The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

Leap of Faith?

We would like you to consider going overseas…..

I sat there looking at my managers and I was so flustered.  I didn't know how to respond.  I was flattered, but absolutely terrified…..  I did not see this coming, but then again, since Josh died I tend to stay in the moment and not look ahead.  It's been this way....inching along with life, since that black day in 2010;  Slowly getting back into the game of life, but this would be more like a leap! 

I’ve been working my butt off at work to avoid thinking about what I’ve lost (Joshua) and where I am (Empty Nester), and somehow someone took this as commitment and passion.  Wow, I guess the mask I wear hides it well.   

What does Brad think?  The man has mentally packed his bags, including his golf clubs, and is ready to go.  I was always happy to follow him…and now apparently he’s willing to follow me. 

Me? My thoughts are all over the place……How do I leave my Joshie?  Yes, he has gained his wings and doesn’t need me anymore, but even knowing that doesn’t take away my mama bear need to protect him and be near his resting place.  

How do I leave my girls?  Never mind that they are grown up.  They just need me to touch base from time to time and they're fine with text, phone or video chat.  But my heart still asks “Where will the girls spend their holidays, summers and breaks?”   I needed to know, so I asked them.  They both instantly perked up and told me they would jump on an airplane to come to me.  I guess this is nothing new to them. 

Friends and family?  The friends I have at this point in my life will follow me to the ends of the earth, and we’ll be sure to post those adventures on Facebook!

 

Once upon a time I loved adventure, I loved sights and sounds, I loved people watching, and I loved.  I also loved having my kids with me and raising them wherever life took us.  No matter where home was, I had them with me.  Then Josh died, the girls left one by one for college, and it was back to Brad and me. 

So what’s really at the heart of the matter???  If I do this, I will have to pack Joshua’s room and pack up the girls’ rooms;   I hoped I could put that off another decade or so.    Arrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!   I'm also not so sure how I feel about trying to enjoy life and dream again.   After losing Josh this seemed impossible.

So much to consider.  Fortunately, we are just at the beginning of this and I have some time to keep tossing and turning.  

Here is the test to find whether your purpose on earth is finished:   If you're alive, it isn't.
-Richard Bach

HUGS!
Sherri

Fortune Cookies and Beignets

How many fortune cookies are too much?  I'm mean, what’s the magic number we are allowed to eat in one sitting? It's part of my attempt to live life on the edge in 2015!   

I think I started it out right with a trip to New Orleans and Brittany's 21st birthday.  Yikes!  Where are those fortune cookies!

Earlier in the Fall, I talked Brad into a trip with the girls.   It's part of my personal goal which is to continue to do fun things as a family;  Not become that family that stares at each other 4-5 hours at Christmas and Easter.   After some pondering and visiting the piggy bank, we decided to go to the Big Easy.   Our goals were simple:  Warm weather, beignets, give Stephi a chance to hear some French Creole, and celebrate Brittany’s 21^st birthday.  

Flights and hotel were soon booked, so all we had to do was wait.

First came Thanksgiving, my most dreaded holiday since Joshua’s death in 2010.  Luckily,  the 3^rd Annual Joshua Newman 5K followed quickly.  This year we raised $9,000 for EMFIT Seizure monitors for those families unable to afford them.  The event is always so wonderful, and so bittersweet…I love the support, the kids, the families.   My heart still wishes I was home just chillin’ with Josh.   

We waited through December when the girls returned for Winter/Christmas Break.  Soon the house was brimming with tweeting, cell phone rings, and laughing  teens/twentysomethings ploppin’ down on the couch to watch Christmas movies.  We sang the familiar hymns by candlelight, zipped through Christmas, and brought the tree down a couple of days later as part of kitty proofing the house for our trip preparation.    

My birthday came along the way, so a group of soccer moms piled into a couple of vans and  hit the local karaoke bar where we sang loud and proud albeit slightly out of tune.  At the end of the evening I sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”  the unofficial love song between Brad and me, with my very own Pips, backing me up. 
 

New Year’s Eve came and went, then it was time to throw our suitcases in the taxi and head to the airport.   I gotta admit, when I was waiting for the trip to come, I never imagined this kind of wait after we boarded the plane.
Vacation begins. Jet Engine 1 not working; Back to gate. Engine fixed in 1 hour;
Pilot announces end of their shift; must bring on new crew -1 hour.
Crew not replaced, let us know they'll do their best to get us there safely even though they've been working since 8 am.....
Passenger freaks out. Doesn't want to die at the hands of tired pilots. Wait for someone to escort her to gate and must remove her luggage-1 hour. 3 hour delay in all. Come through lightening and high winds.
 I think the flight attendant said it best......
We're sorry for the long delays but really just glad we got here.

It was so worth the wait!

Just trying to teach my girl some real life skills.  Drink responsibly!

Love = Beignets!

Photo bombing Stephi's selfie at Jackson Square!

Birthday Balloons on Bourbon Street. Say it 5x fast!

Then just like that, everything we were waiting for was over. 

The girls left and it became waaayyyyy too quiet!  To stay busy and get into the spirit of the new year, I thought I would organize my whole house, work out 3 hours, diet and save money for 2015.  Instead I stayed in my pjs, binge watched Gilmore Girls, and ordered Chinese take out which brought me the fortune cookies I'm binging on, and some great insight to follow in the new year. 

I'm open to suggestions.....

• Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors.
• Two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday
• A new voyage will fill your life with untold memories. 

Here's to new adventures in 2015.

Hugs!

Sherri

Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

Name Dropper

Yesterday morning was just plain freezing!   My mind was racing with things to do before I walked out the door;   There were breakfast casseroles to put in the oven, event signs to put in the trunk, balloons and helium tanks added to the mix, and of course I had to fit my morning coffee in there.

Brad was runnin’ around reacting to my “nicely shouted instructions".  Before long, Britt and Stephi were in motion while my mom and dad came down freshly showered and ready for what the day would bring.

815:  Brad, Stephi and I were behind schedule, but we were on our way.  We pulled into a parking lot full of familiar faces buzzing around setting up for the day’s event.  The 2^nd Annual Joshua Newman 5K Run/Walk for Epilepsy and SUDEP Awareness was moments away.

I was in business mode….the car barely stopped before I jumped out giving directions to all the teenagers buzzing about.    Oh how, I LOVED seeing Joshua’s friends there!!  The first year of Joshua’s death it was so very hard to see them, but not this year.  Here they were…high school freshmen, peach fuzz and razor stubble, broad shoulders and deepening voices.  Yes it did bring a moment of deep longing to hear my own freshman’s voice.

I handed things to them, hugged them and let them know how beautiful they were. I immediately realized I just called teenage boys beautiful so I added “in a handsome kind of way”.  They all laughed and let me know it was ok if I thought they were beautiful.

Co-Chairs Jenna and Natalie, Joshua’s classmates who started this whole thing 2 ½ years ago were buzzing around getting things in place. It’s amazing what all these young kids have done.

The Auxiliary Police Event Safety Team aka tshirt patrol (police officers who only accept a free event tshirt for their services) arrived right on cue so I made sure I met each of them and introduced myself.  “Hi, I’m Sherri, I’m Joshua’s Mom”. 
  


Joshua's "Uncle Jerrold" and his swing dancer troupe show their support.

The start/finish line banner went up in the air, tshirt boxes were placed by size behind a registration table.  Photos of Joshua appeared, and then music started up.  I swear I looked up one second later and there was a crowd of 200, familiar faces as well as faces that did not know either us or Joshua.  I made sure I introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Joshua’s Mom”.

 

When it was time to say a few words of thanks, I honestly can’t remember much of what I said.  How do you put pain, loss, joy, deep appreciation and love into words?  I tried to come up with a few words the night before but nothing came to me, so as I looked out at the crowd I shared with them what was on my heart.  How hard it is without Joshua three years later, and how we were so glad they were here.  I shared how much it helps heal my family’s heart to participate in this event which has an immediate impact on helping others with epilepsy, then I explained the faces they saw on a poster 25 feet to our left were faces of kids who received monitors from last year’s race proceeds.

That’s all I remember.  I’m usually more gathered, more in control, but today it’s not there.



Team Jeff led by Allison Austin

Tom Stanton, Exec Director of our event partner Danny Did Org. made the trip from Chicago to Virginia  to show support.  Tom, a Chicago native, was dressed perfectly to run on a really cold day, and shared some great words of thanks to the crowd.

"Jeff’s Wife"  aka Allison was there leading Team Jeff.  Their two boys have grown so much in the last year.   Allison lost her husband, Jeff, to SUDEP months after we lost Josh.

I admitted to the crowd earlier that I fell down one cottinpickin step and hurt my ankle last week so I was now the official hugger.  It was really fun greeting them as they crossed the finish line.  Several new faces came by so I hugged, fist bumped mitten to mitten; the familiar faces received encouragement tongue in cheek.  “Wow, do you need oxygen?"  "I didn’t know people could sweat that much!" " You young things, please show me one drop of sweat so I know you really ran 5K in 17 minutes," "Hey Big Ironman Athlete, at least 20 little kids beat you across the finish line…Congratulations!”  Yes, I threw in my whoop whoops, and you’re doing great!  


One of Joshua's friends nears the finish line!  Go John!!
 

There was a group of swing dancers who ran the event and then started dancing to the music.  The mood was uplifting.

In 90 minutes, it was over!  200 people gradually said their goodbyes, strong teenagers lifted heavy things in my car, tables were folded and the parking lot returned to a parking lot.

We invited Tom, and our planning committee over for a simple brunch immediately following so they could finally meet face to face.  The casseroles were brown and bubbly, coffee brewed, and lots of laughter was heard throughout the house.  It was a glorious day in Joshua’s name!



Joshua Newman 5K Committee 2013

Afterwards, as I unloaded the cars, I took some of the left over animal balloons to new neighborhood families and introduced myself, “Hi I’m your neighbor, Sherri, and I thought your kids might enjoy these balloons made in memory of a great ornery boy named Joshua.”

Hugs,

Sherri