My Stephi’s sadness has finally shown itself. My middle child; the sensitive one, the
peacekeeper, has finally allowed herself to show her brokenness. It breaks my heart and yet it is also a
relief. We have been concerned and
watching for any signs of trouble since her little brother, Joshua died from
SUDEP in 2010. I believe part of the
delay of reality is a burden laid by well-meaning but misguided words
of those who told Stephi to “take care of your parents”
during the early weeks of our loss. Light hearted words that had such a harmful impact on our child.
A couple of weeks after Josh died; Stephi came to me in tears
and first shared her burden of guilt as she felt completely unable to take care
of us. As love poured through my numb
body, I assured her that both her dad
and I could take care of ourselves; the only one she needed to take care of was
herself. Oh how we needed her to take care of herself during a time we barely
had enough strength to care for ourselves.
She next felt the personal responsibility of trying to fill the
gaps left by Josh. Pick up his chores,
his hobbies. When this came out in early
counseling attempts, we let her know how much we loved her and that was all we needed.
Always the practical one, she couldn’t understand why her
dad and I were so sad when there were two living children in our care. The head completely agreed, but the heart did not. I carefully
explained that we always wanted our three kids.
How each of them were gifts who brought such a joy to our
lives that all together made us a complete family. Now that one part is missing we are heartbroken beyond words. I admitted from her
continuing questions that if it had been another child, I would still be this heartbroken.
In those early days and months, Stephi didn’t get very
verbal, nor did she shed many tears, but she wrote. Oh, how that girl wrote….she wrote journal entries,
she wrote Facebook updates, she wrote poems, and she wrote essays in school
that had a dark edge to them. At 14 years of age, she
witnessed me finding Josh that morning, she rushed to his side as I
rushed for the phone, and she then ran to the door to let the EMTs in. She saw her brother in a casket just three
days after he playfully jumped on her as she watched her favorite tv show. There was rawness in emotion in these writings, an inclusion of detail that I frankly struggled with both from the standpoint of not being emotionally able to relive those moments, and also the fear of bringing “outsiders” who hadn’t experienced such a loss into the dark place in the mind of grief.
Fortunately, God put Stephi’s words in the hands of a
teacher who had been there. Who did
understand.
God sent her a loving father who could take it better than
me; He sent “The Board” and my roomies to love on her, wrap her in hugs, and
keep her smiling until I was able. God also gave her a great big sister who kept tabs
on her in places a parent is not allowed.
On the surface, there wasn’t much change from before Joshua’s
death….hugs never ceased, family nicknames and humor remained, but beyond that? Forget it….there was no way I could sit down
and REALLY listen…until recently. God finally
strengthened my heart enough for me to connect with her, to listen to her, and
I believe it’s no coincidence that just as I am able to listen and truly
understand, her sadness has begun to surface.
I don’t know where this is going…we’re just at the
beginning, but wherever it leads I am so
there beside her.
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When you go through
deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you
will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be
burned up; the flames will not consume you.
Isaiah 43:2
Hugs of Hope and Love to my Stephi!
Sherri
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