Empty Nestin - Decorating

Decorating has been my distraction lately.  Now that the girls are off to college, I’m looking at their rooms with fresh eyes.  Since they took most of their stuff with them, I need to make their rooms cute again. 

Britt’s room was pretty easy,  all I had to do was walk around my house and grab a few things, such as the lovely bottles left to us by Brad’s grandmother, a huge starfish from a long ago Bahamas trip, some great seashells, and voila.  Beachy Bedroom!
 

  


Stephi’s room still has a lot of her stuff, but there are gaps.  I was sitting there when one of her garden photos grabbed my attention.  THAT’S IT!!  I'll use Stephi’s GARDEN PHOTOS! 

Stephi is a great amateur photographer with a great eye!  I love her work so much there are several on the walls throughout our house.  Here are two I want to put on her walls.

 
 
I kept walking by, and finally opened the door to Joshua’s room.  We’ve changed little things over the last 3 ½ years, but it's still Josh.   Since it is the largest kids bedroom, with a large bed, his room has always been our guest room.  That meant throwing Josh out from time to time, but he didn’t mind. 

These days, I keep wondering if we should leave it as the room of a "forever 12 year old boy", or update it a bit like we have updated the girls rooms. 

I would like to make it welcoming and peaceful, though I don’t know if that’s possible; The four of us are split on what to do.

 
I looked at Peyton Manning's jersey!  Josh was such a huge  Peyton Manning fan.  He wrote how happy he was to get to see Peyton and the Colts play the Washington Redskins. 

I’m so happy Josh and Brad had that night together!  When we lose a love one, we tend to hone in on regrets.  In this case, we got something right.

As it should, although I object at times, life has moved on around us, and so has Peyton who is now a Denver Bronco.  I changed Joshua's Colts bedspread right after his funeral, which was pretty traumatic for all of us.  Last week, I changed the window valance to match the bedding, which  I admit, brought on some anxiety on my part. 

After all of this, there was still one thing I just had to do!  Something was missing.….a Broncos banner.  I went online and ordered a pennant to go on the wall opposite of the Colts banner. 

Who knew how emotional it would be to fill these three rooms?!  Just yesterday, it seems,  I was getting after the Newmanettes to keep a path clear from bed to door. 

Oh how I miss the messes, the smells, and the sounds!
  
 I sat down on the edge of the bed after I tacked the banner on the wall, and found my eyes full of the tears I couldn't stop, but when they finally did stop, I stood up, put fresh sheets on the bed, and thanked God that there are three rooms that hold treasures and memories of my three children.


“A child enters your home and for the next twenty or so years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. Then the child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -- John Andrew Holmes

Hugs,

Sherri

Moving From Grief to Empty Nester. Chapter Fore!

Stephanie is graduating from high school in June;  Mid-August we’ll take her to college, and then  we’ll return to an empty house for the first time in 21 years.  This is not how we planned it!   We had THREE children;  the second one is graduating, so we should have one more at home!  

I prefer the pitter patter of gigantic teenage feet, hearing the shower turn on in the morning, the smells of  perfume, cologne, and stepping over things on the floor that do not belong to me.  I love hearing the laughter of friends chillin’ in our family room or basement, and overhearing the latest drama.

Yes, we had a  life  “BK” Before Kids, but it’s such a distant memory.

Fear Not, Brad has a Plan!

Picture this:   A peaceful well-manicured green field, and a golf cart with two golf bags.  One belongs to Brad, and the other belongs to the tall blonde smiling next to him.
He is standing at the tee sizing up the next shot:  He checks out the wind conditions, weather, distance and angle. After much thought, he pulls out the perfect club, takes the shot and it sails gracefully into the air landing two feet from the hole. 

The tall blonde cheers on her golf partner, stands up from the cart, sizes up the situation, pulls out the correct club,  swings the club sending the golf ball gracefully into the air landing on the well- manicured breezeway.  A Perfect Hit! 

Joshua's golf glove and score card in his own hand

I know Brad has his dreams and I want to be supportive, so I started golf lessons two weeks ago.   I needed golf clubs, so I dusted off Joshua’s clubs and put them in the car.  It felt weird…. and it felt right.  I then realized I needed a polo shirt with about 5 minutes to find something .  

 What to do…… It suddenly occurred to me, and I ran upstairs to the room behind the closed door.  I slowly opened the drawer and pulled out a familiar green polo shirt and put it on.  It was actually a bit big on me.  It had fit Josh well 3 ½ years ago. 


Joshua -5th grade

Heart Pangs!  I zipped up my jacket so I wouldn’t keep looking at it ,and jumped into the car.

I made it to my lesson on time, and met my awesome golf instructor;  A petite and spunky woman  who is completely  convinced I am a natural athlete with natural ability.  If hitting the little white dimpled ball a few yards is natural talent?    I am amazing!

Brad was so excited.  How was it?

I’m a natural chipper; Teacher said so.

That’s awesome!  How far did you hit it?  75 yds, 150 yds?

I hit it near the blue and white post in the middle of the green field. What’s it called?  A Driving Range?

Let’s  go hit golf balls this weekend so you can show me your natural talent.

Mother’s Day was our golf date.  I confidently filled the bucket of balls and grabbed the club I used at my lesson.   I set up like Teacher showed me, secretly sent prayers of protection out to the poor unknowing guy next to me, and began to swing.  Some of the balls actually went in the right direction and had some distance.  I was so relieved…and a bit proud!

Brad beamed from ear to ear and then took me out to buy a couple of golf shirts and shoes.  I listened as he carefully explained all the technical considerations, and then I promptly picked out the cool looking shoes with beach teal on them.

Five days later after my second lesson.... 
Brad wanted to know “How was it? “

It was fine.

How’d you do?

I’m a natural putter, Teacher said so!

Remember Brad’s dream?  Here’s Reality:  The man hits the golf ball which sails into the air and lands 2 feet from the hole.

Brad's birthday present from  Josh in 2009. 

The tall blonde cheers on her golf partner, returns her ice tea to the cup holder, gets up from the cart she was driving too fast over the hill to catch air, she looks around suddenly realizing she has to hit one of those little white balls, so she pulls out the first club that catches her eye, and hits the ball.  It sails into the air about 10 feet and then rolls down the hill about 30 additional feet. 

The group waiting behind them let out an audible #%&&! as they open another beer!  It’s gonna be a long day!

It’s gonna be crazy hard dropping Stephi of college, Joshua’s absence is going to hit to the core again. 

I'm trying to stay positive and that means I start thinking of the next chapter sorta like a Dr. Seuss Book....  Oh the adventures we will have.

 

Hugs,

Sherri

Seashells and Snowstorms

I’m still here.  I know I haven’t posted lately, it’s just this snowstorm weather is making me a bit stir crazy, but all things considered….I’m doing just fine!

I'm not the only one with the winter drabs....Britt has been checking in pretty often.   She has become a kind of crazy cat lady with her new kitten. He gives her something to take care of, entertains her and loves her.   We skyped yesterday and I must admit, he’s pretty adorable.

Stephi is STRESSED!!!!  These days she’s in that strange place where she’s excited to go to college, but has tons of studying to do before graduation.  One moment her smile is wide, the next she is in full teenage drama mode!

Two weeks ago we headed down to UNC Wilmington to check things out, and meet with our neighbor Emma who is a  student there,  Stephi was such a happy girl!   



Snow on the Beach-Stephi grabbing some great photos!

 We had plenty of free time, so we did one my favorite things....walk on the beach  a mere 7 minutes from campus.   All of Wilmington was covered in snow following a rare snowstorm which gave the beach a surreal feel.    It was extra special for me since the last time I was on this beach I was with my bestie, and all 6 of our kids.  Happy memories mingled with new ones as Stephi ran ahead taking some stunning photos while Brad and I walked along gathering shells.  There's nothing quite like the peace and wonder that comes from watching crashing waves.



Beach Selfie!


A few short days later we were back in DC under 14 inches of snow; I snuggled in my comfy chair next to the fireplace where I read a little, wrote notes of encouragement to newly bereaved parents, slept a little, and watched some Olympics. 

I won’t lie, there’s more to the story and my need to hide on the couch….life has been a bit of stressful following abnormal blood work from Brad’s quarterly post cancer treatment regimen since his 2011 surgery.   Long story short, his blood work came back abnormal and there were two weeks of “what ifs” as we awaited his cat scan appt. and doctor followup.

I was prayin sooooo hard!  I couldn’t imagine what we possibly faced ahead of us, and terror struck my mind and heart more than once.   I gotta tell ya,  I gave out a  loud Thank You Jesus when the doctor called back with the clean results.  They are following up with another blood test but it looks like a false positive.

Now that I am free of worry (fake it till you make it) I'm watching Stealth Kitty chase stink bugs, and bump his head against walls when he tries to cuddle up…he keeps missing our leg and hits walls!   OUCH!  Hmmm I don't think he is a natural cuddler, but he’s willing to learn!

 I am appreciating and embracing the quiet normal of our everyday.

Oh, guess what? I  began Congregational Care Training this week to learn how to better help those in crisis.   I’m really looking forward to the training, as it helps heal my heart after losing Josh, but with all this cold weather I am tempted to just keep snuggling and sip hot cocoa.

I hope you are staying safe and warm this winter season.  P.S. Britt  the meteorology students says more snow is ahead.  Sigh.......

Hugs!
Sherri

Out of the Mouth of Babes

It’s Thanksgiving week.  Ugh,  Joshua was buried the day before Thanksgiving 2010, so this holiday is crazy hard on us.  I hate not having him here, having his chair empty. 

Enjoying Thanksgiving Lunch with Josh at school - 2009

 

The 5K in his memory is right after Thanksgiving so the house is filling with family  coming for both the holiday and the 5K;    Britt is currently in the air on her way home from Oklahoma and Stephi is determined to pick her up at midnight and then go to school the next morning. 

On my way home from work today, I stopped at Target for a few last minute 5K items and thought it would be fun to walk through the toy section to see “what’s in”.  So many shiny things.....I was suddenly inspired to find a puzzle for the fam to work on this Christmas Season. 

While looking over the puzzles, I noticed a cart of two excited toddlers coming in my direction.  Their mom was looking for a birthday present as they exclaimed “WANt’DAT”  ”Mommy, I Want DIS ONE”…..  Their mom patiently kept reminding them they were looking for a present for someone else.

Soon they were next to me when another young voice called out  “Can you get your kids to be Quiet?”

 

A second young mom with a horrified look on her face was standing next to a cute little boy intently studying Legos.  I was laughing out loud. 

 

Mom #1 looked at me, smiled and turned to the little Lego guy and asked, “I would love to make them quiet, but I’m not having much luck.  What do you think I should do?”

Little Lego guy quickly responded with the most serious expression on his face, “Well, you could buy them something they want.  That’s what my mom does!”

We three moms were in tears from laughter!!!!  I looked at cute cart toddler and said to him “You paid him (Lego boy) to say that so you could get a toy, didn’t you?

His response…”Yes!!!!

I took my puzzle and said to the moms “Enjoy them, because before long they will be in college and yelling for things like cars and furniture.” 

I was smiling all the way out to the car thinking….”Out of the mouth of babes…”

This is a really hard time of year for me, but these 3 little children were like candles in the darkness.  I wanted to pick them all up and just swarm them with hugs!

 

It reminded me of when Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children." Matthew 19:14  (NIH)

Hug your Babies no matter how many candles on their birthday cake.

 May you all have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

 

Hugs!

Sherri

Furlough Treasures

We are in the third week of government furlough.  Brad and I are both stuck in that place where we can’t do much about our predicament.  We would like to be able to go to work, but the doors are locked.  We can’t wander too far away since we can be called back to work any day; besides cars take gas, and gas takes money.

There’s a good chance we will eventually get paid, but who knows.  There’s a lot of tension and real fear within our community that could easily pull me in, but  I guess losing Josh has “helped me” cope in this situation, because I realize that while the loss of my income,  and “things” would be hard, nothing could compare to losing Josh, so if I can live through his death, THIS AIN'T NOTHIN!

So as I wait,  I've cleaned out several closets for the first time in a long time, which means I found several items in them last touched by Joshua.  A wooden toy sword tucked in the middle of several colorful umbrellas in the umbrella stand.  I found it when I emptied everything out to clean out the leaves and bugs gathered at the bottom.

The “ewwwww  gross dead bugs” didn’t even occur to me.

His dress coat  was hanging in the hall closet.  I’ve seen it there a few times, but this time I pulled it close and smelled it before pushing it back with a smile on my face.

On week two, Brad and I hit the basement where we found treasures tucked away.  Artwork with Joshua’s name scribed in his own hand, poems to both of us sharing his love, and a kindergarten questionnaire where he states his mom is 101 years old.  

Brad discovered a personal treasure to him tucked in an old  golf bag....golf score cards from father/son golf outings when Josh tracked the score. 

Young Britt enjoying ice cream

After a quick lunch,  it was back to the basement to discover a ski coat way too small for any of us; The big green rock Josh found and adopted was next to a science board he put together to explain rivers. 

Then there were the old videos that we knew we needed to convert to DVDs but had let fall to the wayside were finally brought out.  We tried to clean the basement while the videos were converting, but the laughter and sounds from young Newmanettes had us glued to the tv for several minutes at a time. 

Sweet and shy Stephi

 There was Brittany and Stephi fighting over their tea set.  Video I took while very  pregnant with their baby brother, Joshua.

We have discovered a few things from these videos.  Brittany liked to boss her little sister around;  Stephi would take it for so long and then up and wallop Britt. 

My darling children.....Brittany was so serious, Stephi was such an easy going kid, and Josh was soooo curious with THAT smile.  Those videos hold visions of what has always been our center, our priority.  Our family!

Joshua climbing over the Halloween Box

By dinner time there were 6 bags of trash, 7 converted dvds, 12 bags for charity, and double stuffed oreos awaiting me upstairs, and boy did I need those oreos!

Mom and Dad popped into town unexpectedly for the weekend, and when they called I didn’t even have to worry about the house cuz it was already clean.  When they came in I even showed them my beautifully cleaned out basement, and listed my recent achievements including the video we were converting at that moment.

The furlough is very real, the loss of income and the hit to our economy is very real, and even I, a political science junkie,  can’t stand to watch the mudslinging and news swirls any longer. 

Someone call me when the real work is done.   In the meantime,  I’ll take this much needed time with myself to heal my heart since life never allowed me that time before.  Don’t worry, it has been one of laughter through the tears and confirms one thing: 

“Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.” ― Saul Bellow

 

Hugs!

Sherri

 

 

 

Yardwork and Babies

Both Brad and I find ourselves out of work this week as two of the 800,000 federal employees furloughed.  It was not totally expected although it's a bit frustrating, to say the least.  I remain hopeful the standoff will end nicely, but just in case it drags on for a while, I have started to put together a plan B...to feel sorry for myself as I eat lots of chocolate and ice cream.  I asked Stephi to sell all her things and take the proceeds to buy my chocolate and ice cream, but she declined.  Oh well, it's back to the drawing board!

 

There is still no ice cream or chocolate anywhere in this house, so I opted for a hike with Brad and passed a very pregnant neighbor and her loving husband twice. It's pretty obvious the baby is comin’ soon which had me thinking happy thoughts!  We actually passed several neighbors, noticed more than a few extra bicycles on the road, and many a lawnmower gliding along the lawns. It sure looked like a Norman Rockwell postcard in an area stuck in turmoil.

After sending Brad off to hit his dimpled ball across the field for a few hours,  I sat on our front stoop and noticed the gardens needed a little help, so I dusted off the trimmers, chatted with neighbors, trimmed a little, chatted with neighbors and before long shrubs were trimmed and ready for fall.   

I have a tendency to daydream, sometimes while handling sharp objects such as trimmers, and soon found myself back to my early days in our nation’s capital right after college.   After a few internships, and walking the pavement with my resume in hand, I landed my first real job on the House of Representatives Budget Committee.  Talk about a crash course in budget and process....that was definitely a great life lesson in patience.

 

The highlight of my Hill career was the night the US Budget hit the floor at 12:15 am, and our committee staff was quietly escorted on the floor to witness the vote of the House.   We watched a whole year's worth of work come down to one vote and in that moment, I was very proud to be an American.  It didn't hurt that at one point I was surrounded by three congressmen, two from Ohio,  who discussed our Thanksgiving plans as we awaited the outcome of the vote.  Selfishly, I was praying someone took our picture, but alas, no one did. 

 

As a Ohioan, (born and raised) working on the Hill,  I had the opportunity in my early days to meet the new Ohio Congressional Freshman class which included a young lawyer named John Boehner.  Who knew life would circle back around …that one day he would be the Speaker of the House, involved in a debate that has locked me out of the office.  Oh those twists in fate!

 

I am strangely calm, even as my household income is currently sitting at $0 and no one knows when it will end.  If I have learned anything from surviving  Joshua's death, I’ve learned we have very little control over our lives; It's how we react to what comes our way that matters.

If our nation has learned anything from major events of the past, there is at least one thing that will come out of all of this.  A big baby boom in sayyyy 10 months.  That brings a smile to my face. Out of the ugly will come great innocence and beauty.

 

As for me, someone who is past her baby days?  I will turn my eyes to the One who walks with me through all that comes my way.

  

In God We Trust! (not the President or Congress).

 

 

Hugs!

Sherri

A New Milestone

Stephi and Brad went off to a country music concert, Britt is at school, so that means I am left at home with only Stealth kitty and my old pup.  Usually these nights mean sad movies, a bottle of wine, tissues, and photos.

It starts with a nice meal and a glass of wine, it next evolves to another glass and watching a "5 tissue" sad movie.  Then the photos and mementos come out;  They are photos and videos of Josh and the girls together.  By this point I am a blubbering mess asking God WHHHHHHHHhhyyyyyyyy?

Josh gets a head check from a furry friend.
 

It lasts for about 2-3 hours, before I am spent and drag myself to bed where I dream of what was. Usually dreams of the Newmanettes when they were younger and usually they are happy.

Josh on a fast food dinner run. 

You may be one of the sweet ones who try to understand and call this a necessary cleansing.  I call it my necessary evil.  There are those who may not like the addition of wine, but the daily mask I wear is so iron-clad, sometimes it takes a glass of wine to loosen the mask off.

I figured last night would go the usual route, but ya know what? Sometime in June I could feel I made a step in my healing, and last night, I just didn’t feel like taking the usual path.  What I did do was organize and clean in a frenzy, and then I sat and watched some action movies.

I admit I did look at 2 videos, a couple of photos and did shed a couple of tears, but I also laughed.

This is indeed a milestone towards finding my Joy!

You must learn a new way to think before....you can master a new way to be. Marianne Williamson

Hugs!
Sherri

Here are some of my go to "sad" movies:
The Fifth Quarter
P.S. I Love You
Terms of Endearment
My Sister's Keeper
Where The Heart Is
Steel Magnolias
Shadowlands

The Dance

My college roommate's daughter, is now a married woman!  Wow!  The first wedding where I’m old enough to be the mother of the bride…. yikes....well....maybe a year too young since Gloria is a WHOLE YEAR older than me.

Sam and the Newmanettes on a roadtrip..notice how excited Josh is 
 

I’ve been a part of Sammy's life since before she was born.  In fact, I’m part of the reason she was born.  I introduced her parents when we were all in college, and the rest is history. 

Over the years there have been many adventures with Samantha including stints as our "summer nanny" before she went to college.  It wasn’t too much later after she started college that I started to hear about a guy….hmmmm! 

 

It took a while, but when I finally met Zach there was little doubt he was THE ONE, so it was no surprise when the magical proposal beneath Cinderella’s Castle appeared on my facebook page and I was on my way to Ohio for a July 6^th wedding. 

 

Samantha and Zach were married on the college campus where they met in a quaint white-washed chapel with all of us looking on.  I had the direct view of Sammy’s face during her vows and I just melted over how beautiful she was in that moment.

Zach and Samantha

The wedding  reception following the service included a “Longest Married” dance.  When the music started, Brad grabbed my hand and we were off.  I eyed the competition.....  I felt pretty confident we could take on Sam and Zach since they had been married about 60 minutes, but some of the others looked like they might have a little more of an edge…it looked like a nail biter.

Brad and I turned and turned as they went down the list….. “5 years, 10 years, 15 years”  at 20 years we started to sweat since the floor hadn’t really cleared out much.  I mean c’mon, we are very proud that we have managed to stay married for almost 22 years and in many circles that is quite an accomplishment, but not with this seasoned bunch.

Soon however, we were wallflowers on the sidelines as they hit 30 years, 40 years, 50…..  At 50 years there were still 4 couples twirling around.  They really were twirling too..no walkers, or canes to be found.  At 56 years there were 2, but ultimately, at 59 years there was only one couple left standing;  The wonderful parents of the special man in mother of the bride’s life.  We will call him Professor Hottie.

I have had the honor of spending some time with Professor Hottie’s parents in the last couple of years, and I am quite taken with their spirit.  They are the proud parents of six, who upon learning about Joshua's death, reached out to me and shared the story of how they held their 3 year old daughter in their arms as she took her last breath 50 years ago.  Their story came at the exact moment when I needed hope, and I am still so grateful they shared their story with me. 

Samantha and Brittany.  Height has its advantage when trying to catch the bouquet.
 

So, tonight watching them dance arm and arm smiling at one another, I got all warm and fuzzy.  I was reminded once again how lucky I am  to have a special someone who wants to share this dance with me.  While there is no doubt that either of us would have chosen the path our dance has taken in recent years with the death of our youngest child, we are both so thankful to those who have travelled through the twists and turns before us and offer their support.  Through their example of enduring love, we are learning to keep on dancing no matter what what life brings.  

Oh yea, there was another bright moment of hope in the evening when Britt caught the bouquet.  Could this be a peek into my future?  Britt, if you are reading this, THERE IS NO HURRY!

 

Sending my love to Zach and Samantha!

Hugs,

Sherri

Another Angel in Heaven

I went into the store looking for a cardigan sweater to wear in my REALLY cold office, and came out stressed and in a really bad mood.  On the drive home, I got really ticked off at all those drivers who seemed to cut me off, or who cut over way too short.  They were sooooo aggressive!  Oh, and it took way too long to get home tonight!!!

When I finally did make it home, and walked in my house, all I wanted to do was sit and stare at the ceiling fan. 

Arrrgggggghhhhh, what is wrong with me?  I feel like that Snickers commercial where the person is really crabby, only a candy bar won’t cure what ails me.

I know what it is…..I recognize the symptoms….AMBUSH meltdown! 

Another of Joshua’s classmates was tragically killed this week.  Bennett was killed trying to rescue a friend who had been knocked unconscious when he stepped on a live wire.  Tragically, as he made his way to his friend, Bennett also became entangled in live wires and was killed instantly.

Moments after Bennett's accident, friends started texting, calling and sending notes on Facebook offering hugs and words of encouragement cuz they know the scab was just yanked off my heart.  I tried to immediately go into survival numb mode, but then the mood hit today.  I should know by now, there’s just no hiding from the pain of loss, and new loss brings me back to that awful November day every time. 

This is the third death in Joshua’s class; it's also the third loss in our church, so our congregation is once again faced with great loss and embracing a grieving family.

At times like this, I feel a little like Sister May from “The Secret Life of Bees”.  May is the sister who is so sensitive to the life around her that it just makes her ache at times.  In the book, May's ends her pain;  Me? I just try to catch my breath and then help where I can. 

Uncle!!!! I have dealt with depression most of my life, and fortunately, have found  low-dosage medication to balance me out.  I recently took a break from the meds, but with the loss of my close friend Erika a month ago,  Joshua’s birthday, and now this, I realize it’s time to take them again. 

I know there may still be a stigma associated with treating anxiety and depression with meds, but for myself, I decided several years ago that I would rather feel good and really be present with my loved ones, than worry about what people think.   

My mind goes back to Bennett's family.  What they are going through now, what lies ahead as they realize their new normal...sigh....Please keep Bennett’s family in your prayers!

 

Hugs!
Sherri