Snowy Day

The DC area shuts down with the threat of snow.  Coming from the snowbelt, where we tunnel through the snow, and went to school in near white out conditions, this seemed ridiculous to me in the early days.  I was certain I had the stuff….I could effortlessly handle the little dusting they called storm warnings and covered in detail on the news;   

One day I ignored the warnings, went out on the streets and was almost instantly smacked off the road by other drivers not accustomed to driving in snow.  After making a deal with Jesus, I became ONE OF THOSE DRIVERS who pays attention to the threat of snow with both eyes and ears…AND,  I keep my butt off the roads.

So here I sit at home, the Federal Government is closed down, following a lovely Valentine’s weekend  that  brought both girls home unexpectedly.  While I was so happy to see them, I hated what brought them home.

5 days earlier we received the news that my sweet Aunt had completed suicide.  It hit me very hard not only from realizing the wonderful aunt of my childhood memories had taken her own life, but it was  exactly two years to the day when I received a similar call from my friend Nancy.   

The news set off a grief trigger with Brittany and we soon realized we needed to get her home.  Her dad booked a flight using his miles, and her little sister dropped all her plans to drive up to support her sister.  Valentine’s Weekend went from an empty nester nice dinner, to a weekend full of kids who needed comfort and assurance that life would be ok. There were moments when the girls jumped on my bed and I shared stories about my aunt, spoke of Josh, and broke out in delirious giggles.

Sunday night was an unexpected dinner with their cousin and his girlfriend with an eye to the sky looking for snow.

By Monday, with the storm heading our way, we shooed Stephi back to NC , and dropped Britt off at the airport as the snowflakes began to hit.   When her flight was delayed, her dad began to pace and stalk the airline updates.   Three hours later, she was in the air and made it to Houston before she was stuck overnight, but at least her dad stopped his pacing and called it a night.

Joshua loving the toy he received from Great Aunt B

The girls are doing much better, and so am I after having them home for just a little while.  My heart goes out to my cousins, and I can’t help but feel a little jealous of  the warm homecoming my Aunt had at the pearly gates.

 

Aunt B., You are missed, and Loved Forever!

"This world is to be likened to the porch; the world to come unto the palace." --The Talmud

HUGS!

Sherri

We Interrupt your Grief...with Life

Where am I? What day is it?  What time is it?

Yea, it’s been like that for the last couple of weeks.  There are all these things going on that I should be having meltdowns over this, but we interrupt the meltdown to give you day to day life.

In the last couple of weeks, I travelled to Europe for business, remembered Joshua’s 16^th birthday, walked beside my best friend during one of the hardest times of her life, planned my high school reunion via email, planned Stephi’s grad party via email, and made arrangements for her graduation via email.

It all started when I had the opportunity to go to Europe for work.  Ten glorious days of discovering parts of the “Old Country” I’d never seen, revisiting some places that are part of my fabric and heart.  I knew the trip would be challenging since it was so close to Stephi’s graduation, but I knew we could handle it.  What I wasn’t so sure about, was the fact that Joshua’s 16^th birthday was smack dab in the middle of the trip.  That fact made this grown woman’s heart shiver.  I wondered if I could handle it?



How cute is this baby Joshua?!

The trip went well, even when three of the four wheels of my suitcase blew out leaving me dragging 45 pounds of stuff along Hyde Park.  Then the texts began; My sister of another mother, was facing the loss of her beloved Professor Hottie! 

Three years ago, when Matt shared the recent diagnosis of Chronic Lymphoma, I started to panic, but he assured me all was well.  Two years later, his chronic condition morphed into Acute Leukemia.  There were moments of fear we would lose him, but he rallied into remission for several months, and was back in our home feeding us Cincy Chili, a favorite, and loving us as he always did. 

Fast forward 6 weeks and I received texts that 'nothing more could be done' and Matt was going home to his beloved tree house to be cared for with hospice and those who love him dearly.  This is where it became nearly impossible to concentrate on my job, and all I wanted to do was jump on that plane to get home.

Then it was Joshua’s 16^th birthday.  Thankfully, it fell on a Sunday!  To celebrate his birthday, we now ride roller coasters, and yet there was no roller coaster to be found, so I grabbed the closest ride I could find, the London Eye, and thought of my sweet ornery one.  In the quiet of my hotel room later that day, tears fell gently down my cheek.
Two nights later, I was awakened from a deep sleep when the dreaded sound of texts began.  I knew …….  Professor Hottie was released from his earthly body into the arms of his heavenly family.


Matt, we will miss you dearly!!!

Our tears are never for those we lose, but for us since we know how much we’ll miss them.

I came home from my business trip overwhelmed with life, and fell into the arms of my lovely Stephi waiting for me at the airport. 

Two days later, my mountain man woke me up at 4am, for our roadtrip to Ohio to remember Professor Hottie.  The moment I walked into the room and our eyes met, Pink and I burst into tears.

How could God do this to my friend? 

After a lovely Memorial, we were back on the road to Virginia, stopped in at our first graduation party, and then collapsed into bed.  At sunrise, we were up getting ready for Stephanie’s graduation party.
Oh crap, Mom, Dad & Britt will be here in three days.  Gotta clean, run to the grocery, plan some meals, wrap those Father’s Day gifts…..oh yea, there’s that interview tomorrow morning to prepare for.

Oh yea, the Cupcake Fairy needs to show up at Joshua’s school in three days.  His teacher is moving on, how do we continue a tradition?

Stop this ride, I wanna get OFF!

Breathe in, breathe out, pray hard!

Three days later……IT ALL WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY!

Sweet Stephi!  So Proud!

Stephanie walked proudly across stage to accept her diploma as tears streamed down my face. She makes me so proud.

My parents and Britt filled our house for the celebration and new memories made.  The cupcakes were delivered with hugs, and Britt’s former sixth grade teacher wants to help us keep up Joshua’s tradition.

Josh has never been far from my mind.  I went to that place… “Where would my life be if I had three more years of high school before empty nesthood?” There has been no meltdown, but rather quick spurts of tears .

I can feel it, New Normal chapter three has arrived…..

As Matt would quote from "The Princess Bride,"  "Have fun stormin' the castle!" 


Hugs!

Sherri

 

Catnapping

I was sitting outside on my lunch hour admiring the beautiful clouds the other day.  I was pretty impressed because I actually knew their technical name thanks to Brittany’s constant chatter about meteorology.  During our road trip to Oklahoma; I just had to keep asking her the same questions over and over . “Brittany, what kind of clouds are those? Brittany, what are those white fluffy clouds called?”  Apparently, some of it stuck: Cumulus, Stratus, Altostratus....

 

After lunch, I headed home and continued to enjoy the gorgeous day from my refuge spot....the back patio.  This patio is my zen spot with its peaceful fountain; a gift from my girls, flowers blooming all around, and a sleepy Stealth Kitty for company.

I must have drifted into a bit of slumber before I found myself suddenly startled awake when my head and stomach became Stealth Kitty's springboard to get from one perch to another. 

Who, Me?
 

Other than the immediate need to rush to the bathroom since he landed square on my poor "mommy" bladder, there was no physical damage, but mentally I was startled, confused, and irritated. Haven't  we all been here before…just enjoying beautiful moments in life, slumbering along when KERPLUNK, life jumps right on your stomach.  Grrrr!

After telling Stealth kitty what I thought of his decision to shortcut his path via my midsection, I got comfy again as my mind drifted to my "new normal" which just took another turn with Britt leaving home.  I handled it pretty well...I kept telling her how much she’s gonna miss me as we moved her in,  and bless her little heart she kept inviting me to live with her, but I don’t think returning to the college life is where I need to be and I certainly don’t think her teeny room will hold both of us for long.

Besides, back in DC, my middle baby, Stephi is officially a high school senior and has the gorgeous photos to prove it.  I have one more year of chorus, report cards, friends buzzing around the house and then she’ll be on her way too.  I see the signs…she is excited about a college that she thinks is “the one” and I have to admit, it is a gorgeous place.  I’m so happy for her, but the house will be so lonely without her next year.

Isn’t it amazing how life can change even if location remains the same?  When I decided to follow my dreams to Washington DC, there was so much excitement, so much hope.  This time it feels different.  Brad is trying his best to convince me the answer lies in taking up golf.  Maybe....but I think it means road trips to Oklahoma, North Carolina, some mission trips and anywhere else I get a bug to go see.  Brad will be ok with that, as long as there is a golf course.  I’m gonna keep tryin’ to get to that point where the excitement is there again.  It’s closer, I can feel it.

One thing is for sure.  When Stephi moves away, she is taking that crazy stealth kitty with her so I can enjoy some uninterrupted peace.

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
― Corrie ten Boom

Hugs,
Sherri

Another Angel in Heaven

I went into the store looking for a cardigan sweater to wear in my REALLY cold office, and came out stressed and in a really bad mood.  On the drive home, I got really ticked off at all those drivers who seemed to cut me off, or who cut over way too short.  They were sooooo aggressive!  Oh, and it took way too long to get home tonight!!!

When I finally did make it home, and walked in my house, all I wanted to do was sit and stare at the ceiling fan. 

Arrrgggggghhhhh, what is wrong with me?  I feel like that Snickers commercial where the person is really crabby, only a candy bar won’t cure what ails me.

I know what it is…..I recognize the symptoms….AMBUSH meltdown! 

Another of Joshua’s classmates was tragically killed this week.  Bennett was killed trying to rescue a friend who had been knocked unconscious when he stepped on a live wire.  Tragically, as he made his way to his friend, Bennett also became entangled in live wires and was killed instantly.

Moments after Bennett's accident, friends started texting, calling and sending notes on Facebook offering hugs and words of encouragement cuz they know the scab was just yanked off my heart.  I tried to immediately go into survival numb mode, but then the mood hit today.  I should know by now, there’s just no hiding from the pain of loss, and new loss brings me back to that awful November day every time. 

This is the third death in Joshua’s class; it's also the third loss in our church, so our congregation is once again faced with great loss and embracing a grieving family.

At times like this, I feel a little like Sister May from “The Secret Life of Bees”.  May is the sister who is so sensitive to the life around her that it just makes her ache at times.  In the book, May's ends her pain;  Me? I just try to catch my breath and then help where I can. 

Uncle!!!! I have dealt with depression most of my life, and fortunately, have found  low-dosage medication to balance me out.  I recently took a break from the meds, but with the loss of my close friend Erika a month ago,  Joshua’s birthday, and now this, I realize it’s time to take them again. 

I know there may still be a stigma associated with treating anxiety and depression with meds, but for myself, I decided several years ago that I would rather feel good and really be present with my loved ones, than worry about what people think.   

My mind goes back to Bennett's family.  What they are going through now, what lies ahead as they realize their new normal...sigh....Please keep Bennett’s family in your prayers!

 

Hugs!
Sherri

My Hippie Angel

This past week was my last planned meeting with Peter, the Grief Guy.  Over the last 28 months, Peter has been instrumental in pulling both me and mine back from the brink of despair after Josh died from SUDEP, for which I will always be grateful.

He diagnosed my PTSD resulting from the trauma of finding Joshua that fateful morning and helped me realize my crazy is ok.  He also called me on some habits, and he did not back down…for this too I will always be grateful.

Some would wonder why I continued our sessions for so long?  Hmmm ponder moment….We have such expectations of our friends and family when someone we love dies.  We expect them to say just the perfect thing to help us feel better; we are shocked and hurt when they stick that big ole’ foot smack dab in the middle of their big mouth instead.

Peter has never done this!  He magically knows just what to say!  He resets my mindset, he allows me to forgive myself, and he doesn’t judge even if ugly comes out of my mouth.  Of course, it has taken him DECADES of study and practice to master the role of the grief guy.                Note to self…. give friends and family a little slack.

Since this was our first meeting in two months, Peter learned about Nancy’s son, my whooping cough, my ”Winter Blues” (SAD), how my sweet friend Erika is losing ground to her cancer, and how bleak things have seemed as of late.   His response was a  truly caring shake of the head and a sigh “things Sherri really did not need to deal with right now” …..thank you Peter for putting it out there!            So true! I truly didn’t need to deal with them, but when you open yourself up to love, there will be times like these….. life doesn’t stop for you to catch your breath.  All you can do is live in the moment!

Just like waves crashing in from the sea.  You can’t look past the wave in front of you or SPLAT!  Waves will always come, and you need to decide what you can handle and whether to ride it, or duck under to the calm just beneath the surface.

I can see how far I’m come from 28 months ago, and I guess I’m pretty good at judging waves now.  I’ve crashed too many times to count but I’ve definitely learned it's ok to duck a few. 

The things I have learned from Peter are:

1.  You are not in control of your life or anything that happens in your life.

2.  Take your life wave by wave, living in the moment, especially during the time of active grieving.

3.  Be gentle with yourself for you've just experienced the unthinkable.

4. As long as you don't endanger yourself or those around you, there is no wrong way to grieve.

5.  You can't cut corners on your grief.

6.  You can't be healed because you were never sick.

7.  There will one day be comfort and peace again.

 

I was not prepared for the tears that came as I walked out of Peter’s office…they were a blend of fear and hope...I'm taking life on my own, and admitting that I'm trying to keep moving forward without my Josh.   

Is this the last time I'll see Peter?  Don’t be silly, of course not!  After all he’s not a miracle worker, and I surely will overachieve again.  When that happens I know he will look at me without judgement and not blink when I share what is truly on my heart.

God sends us angels for different seasons of our lives.  They can take many forms, and one of mine was a silver-haired reformed hippie with a thoughtful presence and contagious laugh.

Thank you God for my Angel!

Hugs,
Sherri

Love a little more

I'm not sure that this is pc, but I'm going to say it anyways....I have become a better person since losing Joshua.

Since I have become one of those who has had one of the worst things that can happen to you and survived it,  I've discovered I'm willing to love more.

I have always been a caring person but I'll admit I was a little bit stingy with those three words I LOVE YOU.  Other than Brad, my kids, my parents and a couple of close friends, I  kept those words well guarded.  I felt as though if I used them too often, they would become less meaningful.  Of course, it doesn't mean I couldn't shake it up a little ..what parent hasn't waited for that most oportune moment to utter it as such,"Hey Joshua, IIIIIII Wuuuuvvvvv Yoooooooooouuuuu!"  The red face response alone makes it so worthwhile...evil parenting at it's best! :)

In the months following Joshua's death, and maybe even shortly before as I reassessed life a bit, I began to realize there were a lot of people in my life who I loved alot!  The people who came crashing through police officers to get to me as we realized Josh was gone, who spent day after day tending to me and mine, who took precious leave from their jobs to support us during a difficult service, and the hours of cooking and holding they have done are all acts of love and suddenly the involuntary unconscious rule book that said to keep it down, was thrown out the door with my priority adjustment and I suddenly found my broken heart bursting with love for so many.

It's liberating!  Maybe as much as those who threw their bras into the flames in the 70s.  Fear not, I have no plans to burn the very item that helps hold me together.

I don't go around loving everyone I pass, but I do listen to my heart and let those know when it gets warm and fuzzy.

I think I would have caught on eventually whether or not Joshua died, but it certainly helped me learn a valuable lesson in a much shorter time....like 1 heartbeat.
I don't know why I'm really surprised because the very boy I miss is the one who loved greatly and  'never knew a stranger.'

Hugs,
Sherri
<3

Seeking Happy Moments in this New Year

I know I know, I've been avoiding life lately.  It's true.  I simplified my life as much as possible as we prepared to experience our 2nd Christmas without Joshua.  We prepared the best we could, I found a beautiful lit angel and surrounded the outside with lights.

We bought presents and put them under the tree and held our breath.  I have to say I surprised myself with my ability to "keep it together" for the sake of our girls.  We made the choice to stay at home and not spend the holidays travelling to be with extended family...that was a wise choice.

The rest of the holidays went fine.....I know that's not very descriptive, but it's the best I can do.  We made it through...had some laughs, had some tears, saw some good movies, and made it through.  Even escaped for a long weekend and visited with my brother and his family.

My brother has been a rock in my world over the last year...I'm not saying I'm surprised, I'm saying I'm so grateful to have someone who knows me so well that I look up in a moment of need, and he is there.  I feel the need to talk, and the phone rings...it's my brother.  I am in a wicked mood and want to be nasty...I call my brother..he's used to it, been that way for over 40 years now.

We also celebrated my birthday....not so exciting other than I am now typing on my brand new laptop thanks to my darling hubby, though I have to ask, is this kinda like receiving a vacuum or blender?  hmmmm

The big event came as we celebrated 18 years of motherhood.....Brittany turned 18!!!!  I wish I could say it's hard to believe, but it's been a long 18 years..not complaining, just been involved in every minute over the last 18 and I am so grateful I have this sweet young woman in my life.

Now that we are in 2012, I have some choices ahead....I was not able to wish anyone a Happy New Year.. I'm just not there this year, but perhaps over the next 12 months, my heart will mend enough to begin enjoying those magical moments waiting ahead such as watching my oldest walk across the stage to receive her diploma,  followed shortly at summer's end by leaving her at college and not looking back for fear of her seeing my complete meltdown.

I truly do hope to someday on the sooner side be able to add a "Happy" to the hope of a new year, and to get there I will look for that moment in everyday where you can find a smile.  For now it will be a hopeful "May you find a happy moment in every day this year".

Hugs,

Sherri

Pillows

There are so many ways people grieve and if you read anything on the subject it says there is no wrong way to grieve as long as you are not showing self destructive behavior or hurting others. 
So I guess relying on pillows and stuffed animals for sanity falls in the "it's ok" column. 

How many of us have hugged our pillows and cried into them to express our sadness over something?  I know I have worn out many pillows with my tears over the years.  It started out over being punished and sent to my room by my parents and just progressed from there. (if only my biggest sadness today was being grounded for not getting home in time...).

In these days of  personal heartbreak  two pillows and one special stuffed animal in Joshua's room helps me gauge the state of my family's grief and healing.... one day the pillows are crumpled up in a ball hugged so tightly that they stay scrunched until I fluff them out,  the next time they lie flat and  Joshua's "brownie boy dog" has been pulled close alongside where someone quietly laid on his bed , another time the pillows are still wet with tears, and on occasion, it's evident that the pillows have been thrown against the wall in anger.

These pillows never fight back, they just receive, and they never complain.  They are the perfect friend to my family...they are there whenever needed to just hold, to cry into, soothe, or just listen.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't pay a bit of attention to pillows, but given what my family has been through, watching these pillows gives me some peace knowing my family is working through their grief and remembering our sweet ornery boy. 

Joshua with his tattered and torn blankie in bed

I think we are all hoping we will feel just a bit closer to Josh in his room and these pillows he laid his head upon.  In his room amongst his pillows we find comfort, a safe haven for pure emotion and walls that keep our secrets.  The pillows are a sad substitute for hugs from our boy, but they help us remember those vivid memories and sensations of those bear hugs.

I have no immediate plans to change a thing.  These pillows will be there in their place whenever they are needed, and I will continue to wash them and keep this safe haven clean, cozy and inviting.

It's the simple things that can sometimes make the biggest difference.

Sending Hugs!
Sherri

2 days in the life of "the new normal"

Oh my how the emotions fly end to end these days. Yesterday, I was up early getting ready for work as usual. These days it takes so much effort to get dressed and get where I'm going....I'm on autopilot.
At work I smile on the outside but am numb on the inside. This is what I must do to get through the day so I can pay the bills that come every month just like before...nothing is different there. After work it's time to head home when the "low tire" alarm suddenly flashes on the dashboard...I filled it this morning, so there must be a slow leak. It's off to the tire shop for a plug...how did that nail get in that tire? hmmm Family, you are on your own for dinner.

Brad heads out for Bible Study just as I return home and reminds me that tonight is Diwali...what is the significance of a traditional Indian celebration to my blonde self? Joshua's best friend and family, whom I love dearly celebrate Diwali and have always graciously included us in their celebration. It has become one of our traditions with them. Friendship, sand art, great sweet treats, and fireworks. This year is much different from last year, so subdued...just last year Joshua was celebrating with us and everyone was having a great time! I've included the photos of the kids watching the fireworks together.  (Josh is sitting with his favorite blue Indy Colts cap on)
This year, our schedule only allows a quick treat, hugs, photos of this year's sand art, then off to line dancing, which I take with the girls to keep active and as something we can do together. As soon as I am in the car, I am near tears seeing Joshua's best friend...he is starting to shave, and his voice has that teenage boy sound to it. I think of "what would Josh sound like? would he be shaving yet?"

Line dancing is fun as usual as we laugh and giggle at missteps and occasional showoff moves of total amateur neighborhood folks learning how to dance at our community center.  Afterwards, we girls return home to a quiet house...the moment I enter the house my mind wanders to Josh memories and memories of the three kids playing together when they were younger.

The door bell snaps me out of my daydream; It is Joshua's best friend and his dad dropping off leftover Diwali sweets that they know my girls LOVE! We catch up with each other since it has been hard to keep in touch these last few months.
'The boys are playing travel soccer, busy with school. Yes, Brad had a cancerous tumor removed this summer and will be under close observation for sometime. Yes, our sweet dog Yankee also had a cancerous tumor removed and looks to be free of any further cancer. Yes, I'm feeling fine following my surgery. All the while Yankee is falling all over Joshua's best friend whom he remembers very fondly. So many memories between this dog and this boy.' My heart swells with love.

When they leave I walk to the kitchen and put the plate on the counter before sinking to the floor where I stand. I sit there so sad that my son is dead and how much I miss the daily life that came with him. How his best friend and many others filled our house with motion and laughter, and how I lost more than 1 child when I lost Joshua. The tears come instantly and I am suddenly in my grief fully and completely. My sweet cat, comes to my rescue, and doesn't mind that I scrunch him up in teddy bear cuddle and drench his coat.

Brad comes in the door from Bible Study and asks, "What's wrong?" I say "Nothing" as I wipe away my tears and stand up.. "It's the usual" and we just go about our business as usual. Within moments I am checking on my daughters, locking up the house and preparing for the morning.

Today, the songs on the radio hit me hard and there are tears enroute to work. I have a smile on my face at work; Most people have no idea what I've been through and think I look normal as I respond to their jokes with laughter and joke back. The moment I hit the car, the tears reappear.

Once I walk in the door I'm bombarded with daily event recaps, needs, and must prepare dinner. We have to rush through it as two of us have appts. with our grief counselor, 1 has piano, and I am off to the high school chorus spring trip meeting.

Two head out early and I have a few moments to catch up on email and read the monthly Compassionate Friends Newsletter that has just arrived....then it happens, I see "Remembrance dates"

Joshua Newman Nov. 20th son of Brad and Sherri

I am wracked with a sudden excruciating pain where my heart should be and sob so violently that my daughter Brittany comes rushing to see what has set me off. She sees the newsletter and holds me until is passes. Within moments, I am out the door to the chorus trip meeting where noone is wiser to what has just happened.

I return home later that evening to find everyone back from their appts., and I lock up the house because it is time for bed.

This is nothing extraordinary, this is my new normal.