Making friends is tough!

Stephi came home for the long weekend.  I had no idea she was coming home so it was extra nice!

I was laying across her bed catching up as she unpacked and peppering her with the usual questions

• How are classes going? Great, except Math…..I need to learn to translate Chinglish.
• Are you discovering places around college? No mom.  I prefer hanging with my roomie or the quiet of my room.
• What do you do for fun?  Not much. Video games, Netflix binging Gilmore Girls and Ally McBeal.  Sometimes I walk the beach alone.

This stops me in my tracks and my brain is screaming   Noooooo!  Not that I don't appreciate binge watching Gilmore Girls or Ally McBeal.

A day at the beach. Stephi & Josh

After prodding a bit more it came out.  She doesn’t like to make new friends because she doesn’t want to tell them that her brother is dead.

Hands to the sky.  Whhhhhyyyyyy Myyyy Chilllldddd?

My next thought was maybe this would be a good time to become a helicopter parent and make her life easier.

The Newmanettes

Of course, who am I kiddin'?  I haven’t exactly been a great model myself.  I admit I’ve avoided situations that mean I have to answer the "How many kids do you have?" question. 
There was that time during my annual scrapbooking retreat a couple of years ago, where I went into town for dinner with some of the ladies and suddenly realized there was an empty seat next to me.  My heart raced, my hands sweated as I thought about the possibility of someone sitting there and innocently asking me about my children.  Since then, I’ve opted for pizza delivery with friends who were at my side in 2010.

And I should expect better from a shy teenage girl?   This is so unfair!  She was so young and has seen so much ugly already.  She did nothing to deserve this!

I have no doubt God will use her to do amazing things down the road of her life, but right now she’s in the slow cooking character forming part of life, and it’s so hard to watch.

Britt & Friends at Texas State Fair

Dear God… it’s one thing to put me through this horrible experience, but why must my children go through it during a time that's supposed to be so much fun?

I do find hope when I look at Brittany’s early college days.   Her early days were eerily parallel to Stephi’s until God sent some special people to her life who had similar experiences to her own.  She now has a core group of great friends who know the boy in the photos, and the sadness she struggles with every November.  The core group shows up in her Facebook photos at football games, Texas State Fair, birthday parties, and even bison watching.

Road trip to see Britt = Phil Vassar concert in a field

I’m prayin’ hard for Stephi!  I trust her with my whole heart, and I know I am not a helicopter mom, but I think this calls for a roadtrip  to North Carolina,  “Gilmore Girls style" a little crazy, totally spontaneous, and with lots of laughter! 

Where You Lead by Carole King (Gilmore Girls Theme)

Where You Lead,  I will followIf you're out on the road
Feelin' lonely and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there!

Hugs!  Sherri

Light in their Eyes!

The house is so quiet.  The girls are at college, Brad is travelling for work;   His travel happened to be near Britt, and coincidentally?!  It was the weekend of the Tennessee/Oklahoma game at Oklahoma!

Let the trash talking begin! They were pretty civilized about it.  It didn't seem fair to me since I've been forced to relive U of Akron's defeat to Tennessee THIRTY YEARS AGO.  I just roll my eyes and tell him to Let it go already!!!   

His plan for this game was pretty diplomatic.  Support his beloved Vols while also being the supportive Dad…his chosen outfit?  Red OU shorts and a orange UT shirt.  BLAGHHHHH!  I cringe when I think of that combo.  I asked him to consider a white shirt with orange T on it, but he would hear nothing about it.

Game on!  I was sitting with friends christening a friend’s new patio/fire pit on a crisp and cool fall night, when the photos began to come my way.

I love this photo!  My first thought was, look how beautiful my oldest child has become.

 

Then the unexpected happened? I started getting photos from Stephi who was checking out the local sights around Wilmington.  She included this photo, and I thought, Oh my goodness, look how beautiful my second child has become.

 

 

They are both growing up, and it is my joy to watch them make their way.  They also have been working through their grief, and I love that there is a light in their eyes.  They both miss Josh so much, and there are some heartbreaking phone calls, but moments captured like these give me such Joy!

Oh by the way, Oklahoma whipped Tennessee’s butt…

The game of life is a lot like football.  You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.  ~ Lewis Grizzard

HUGS!

Sherri

 

We Interrupt your Grief...with Life

Where am I? What day is it?  What time is it?

Yea, it’s been like that for the last couple of weeks.  There are all these things going on that I should be having meltdowns over this, but we interrupt the meltdown to give you day to day life.

In the last couple of weeks, I travelled to Europe for business, remembered Joshua’s 16^th birthday, walked beside my best friend during one of the hardest times of her life, planned my high school reunion via email, planned Stephi’s grad party via email, and made arrangements for her graduation via email.

It all started when I had the opportunity to go to Europe for work.  Ten glorious days of discovering parts of the “Old Country” I’d never seen, revisiting some places that are part of my fabric and heart.  I knew the trip would be challenging since it was so close to Stephi’s graduation, but I knew we could handle it.  What I wasn’t so sure about, was the fact that Joshua’s 16^th birthday was smack dab in the middle of the trip.  That fact made this grown woman’s heart shiver.  I wondered if I could handle it?



How cute is this baby Joshua?!

The trip went well, even when three of the four wheels of my suitcase blew out leaving me dragging 45 pounds of stuff along Hyde Park.  Then the texts began; My sister of another mother, was facing the loss of her beloved Professor Hottie! 

Three years ago, when Matt shared the recent diagnosis of Chronic Lymphoma, I started to panic, but he assured me all was well.  Two years later, his chronic condition morphed into Acute Leukemia.  There were moments of fear we would lose him, but he rallied into remission for several months, and was back in our home feeding us Cincy Chili, a favorite, and loving us as he always did. 

Fast forward 6 weeks and I received texts that 'nothing more could be done' and Matt was going home to his beloved tree house to be cared for with hospice and those who love him dearly.  This is where it became nearly impossible to concentrate on my job, and all I wanted to do was jump on that plane to get home.

Then it was Joshua’s 16^th birthday.  Thankfully, it fell on a Sunday!  To celebrate his birthday, we now ride roller coasters, and yet there was no roller coaster to be found, so I grabbed the closest ride I could find, the London Eye, and thought of my sweet ornery one.  In the quiet of my hotel room later that day, tears fell gently down my cheek.
Two nights later, I was awakened from a deep sleep when the dreaded sound of texts began.  I knew …….  Professor Hottie was released from his earthly body into the arms of his heavenly family.


Matt, we will miss you dearly!!!

Our tears are never for those we lose, but for us since we know how much we’ll miss them.

I came home from my business trip overwhelmed with life, and fell into the arms of my lovely Stephi waiting for me at the airport. 

Two days later, my mountain man woke me up at 4am, for our roadtrip to Ohio to remember Professor Hottie.  The moment I walked into the room and our eyes met, Pink and I burst into tears.

How could God do this to my friend? 

After a lovely Memorial, we were back on the road to Virginia, stopped in at our first graduation party, and then collapsed into bed.  At sunrise, we were up getting ready for Stephanie’s graduation party.
Oh crap, Mom, Dad & Britt will be here in three days.  Gotta clean, run to the grocery, plan some meals, wrap those Father’s Day gifts…..oh yea, there’s that interview tomorrow morning to prepare for.

Oh yea, the Cupcake Fairy needs to show up at Joshua’s school in three days.  His teacher is moving on, how do we continue a tradition?

Stop this ride, I wanna get OFF!

Breathe in, breathe out, pray hard!

Three days later……IT ALL WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY!

Sweet Stephi!  So Proud!

Stephanie walked proudly across stage to accept her diploma as tears streamed down my face. She makes me so proud.

My parents and Britt filled our house for the celebration and new memories made.  The cupcakes were delivered with hugs, and Britt’s former sixth grade teacher wants to help us keep up Joshua’s tradition.

Josh has never been far from my mind.  I went to that place… “Where would my life be if I had three more years of high school before empty nesthood?” There has been no meltdown, but rather quick spurts of tears .

I can feel it, New Normal chapter three has arrived…..

As Matt would quote from "The Princess Bride,"  "Have fun stormin' the castle!" 


Hugs!

Sherri

 

One phone call

I tell ya, this grief thing certainly doesn’t follow a straight path…it’s more like a zig zag.  From 9-5 I’m in work mode, the consummate professional with no signs that I'm bereaved, at 7 I’m one with the couch dreaming of bedtime because it takes so much energy to wear the mask, and once a week I’m sitting in Congregational Care Training learning to help those in crisis. 

It seems kinda crazy that I’m learning how to help those in crisis, but I think my realness,  sharing both highs and my lows…sometimes in the same 60 seconds, serve as a source of strength to others struggling with loss.

Almost immediately after burying Joshua, I was asked to reach out to even newer bereaved families;  It’s something I continue to do now.  I send notes of encouragement to newly bereaved parents, make phone calls of support, or meet for coffee.  It's very emotional, and I’ve wondered from time to time why I feel moved to do all of this.  The answer came blurting out during a recent angel mom wine night while debating grief stuff that only a group of angel moms debate.   The rawness and clarity actually startled me for a moment.

I do it so parents who have just lost their most precious child know that they can survive their child's death.

I know what you’re thinking…..Wait a minute….Bereaved parents don’t want to live? 

To someone who has not lived through incredible loss, I can understand how the idea of being so heartbroken you don’t want to live is frightening, but ask a bereaved parent a little further along on their journey if they ever “went there” in the hours/days/weeks after child died;  did they have those dark thoughts of leaving this earth or not wanting to live on, and they will likely admit they did.

The good news is if they’re having this conversation with you, they made the choice to live and can likely tell you the  exact moment they knew they wanted to live.

Yes, I did go there;  Yes, I decided I wanted to live.   But even after I made the initial choice to live, I needed assurance, and sought stories and people who were further ahead on their journey living happy lives.  I sought parents who had walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come up on the other side changed, but alive and well.


God’s hand was at work in December 2010;  While at home, grieving too hard to go to work, I received a life changing phone call.  A woman I had never met, someone who received an email I sent to their grief ministry website, felt the need to call me.  “Judy” lost her 12 year old daughter to an undiagnosed heart condition years before. The voice on the phone was a bereaved mom. and it was warm, inviting, caring, and full of life.  She graciously took the time to share her own dark days, her own struggle and how life was so worth living. 

http://smileagainministries.com/mission.html

It was exactly what I needed to carry on.  One voice, one conversation made the difference!

When I hear about a newly bereaved family, I immediately send out a note of sympathy assuring them that their loss is absolutely heartbreaking, and to remember to breath in and breath out and know they are not alone.

I want to remind them in their despair to keep breathing.  I have faith that in time they will rediscover a life that has happiness.  That might mean raising their living children who need them so, loving others in need, writing beautiful poems/songs, or capturing a sunset that brings peace to a restless mind. Imagine where our world would be without Barbara Bush, Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Nelson Mandela.

I am still pretty new in my own grief, but I can and will  offer my love and support to others in their journey.

 Hugs!
Sherri


In the midst of winter I will entertain the possibility that summer will come - Martha Whitmore Hickman

Name Dropper

Yesterday morning was just plain freezing!   My mind was racing with things to do before I walked out the door;   There were breakfast casseroles to put in the oven, event signs to put in the trunk, balloons and helium tanks added to the mix, and of course I had to fit my morning coffee in there.

Brad was runnin’ around reacting to my “nicely shouted instructions".  Before long, Britt and Stephi were in motion while my mom and dad came down freshly showered and ready for what the day would bring.

815:  Brad, Stephi and I were behind schedule, but we were on our way.  We pulled into a parking lot full of familiar faces buzzing around setting up for the day’s event.  The 2^nd Annual Joshua Newman 5K Run/Walk for Epilepsy and SUDEP Awareness was moments away.

I was in business mode….the car barely stopped before I jumped out giving directions to all the teenagers buzzing about.    Oh how, I LOVED seeing Joshua’s friends there!!  The first year of Joshua’s death it was so very hard to see them, but not this year.  Here they were…high school freshmen, peach fuzz and razor stubble, broad shoulders and deepening voices.  Yes it did bring a moment of deep longing to hear my own freshman’s voice.

I handed things to them, hugged them and let them know how beautiful they were. I immediately realized I just called teenage boys beautiful so I added “in a handsome kind of way”.  They all laughed and let me know it was ok if I thought they were beautiful.

Co-Chairs Jenna and Natalie, Joshua’s classmates who started this whole thing 2 ½ years ago were buzzing around getting things in place. It’s amazing what all these young kids have done.

The Auxiliary Police Event Safety Team aka tshirt patrol (police officers who only accept a free event tshirt for their services) arrived right on cue so I made sure I met each of them and introduced myself.  “Hi, I’m Sherri, I’m Joshua’s Mom”. 
  


Joshua's "Uncle Jerrold" and his swing dancer troupe show their support.

The start/finish line banner went up in the air, tshirt boxes were placed by size behind a registration table.  Photos of Joshua appeared, and then music started up.  I swear I looked up one second later and there was a crowd of 200, familiar faces as well as faces that did not know either us or Joshua.  I made sure I introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Joshua’s Mom”.

 

When it was time to say a few words of thanks, I honestly can’t remember much of what I said.  How do you put pain, loss, joy, deep appreciation and love into words?  I tried to come up with a few words the night before but nothing came to me, so as I looked out at the crowd I shared with them what was on my heart.  How hard it is without Joshua three years later, and how we were so glad they were here.  I shared how much it helps heal my family’s heart to participate in this event which has an immediate impact on helping others with epilepsy, then I explained the faces they saw on a poster 25 feet to our left were faces of kids who received monitors from last year’s race proceeds.

That’s all I remember.  I’m usually more gathered, more in control, but today it’s not there.



Team Jeff led by Allison Austin

Tom Stanton, Exec Director of our event partner Danny Did Org. made the trip from Chicago to Virginia  to show support.  Tom, a Chicago native, was dressed perfectly to run on a really cold day, and shared some great words of thanks to the crowd.

"Jeff’s Wife"  aka Allison was there leading Team Jeff.  Their two boys have grown so much in the last year.   Allison lost her husband, Jeff, to SUDEP months after we lost Josh.

I admitted to the crowd earlier that I fell down one cottinpickin step and hurt my ankle last week so I was now the official hugger.  It was really fun greeting them as they crossed the finish line.  Several new faces came by so I hugged, fist bumped mitten to mitten; the familiar faces received encouragement tongue in cheek.  “Wow, do you need oxygen?"  "I didn’t know people could sweat that much!" " You young things, please show me one drop of sweat so I know you really ran 5K in 17 minutes," "Hey Big Ironman Athlete, at least 20 little kids beat you across the finish line…Congratulations!”  Yes, I threw in my whoop whoops, and you’re doing great!  


One of Joshua's friends nears the finish line!  Go John!!
 

There was a group of swing dancers who ran the event and then started dancing to the music.  The mood was uplifting.

In 90 minutes, it was over!  200 people gradually said their goodbyes, strong teenagers lifted heavy things in my car, tables were folded and the parking lot returned to a parking lot.

We invited Tom, and our planning committee over for a simple brunch immediately following so they could finally meet face to face.  The casseroles were brown and bubbly, coffee brewed, and lots of laughter was heard throughout the house.  It was a glorious day in Joshua’s name!



Joshua Newman 5K Committee 2013

Afterwards, as I unloaded the cars, I took some of the left over animal balloons to new neighborhood families and introduced myself, “Hi I’m your neighbor, Sherri, and I thought your kids might enjoy these balloons made in memory of a great ornery boy named Joshua.”

Hugs,

Sherri

Ten Things You May Not Know About Joshua

Today we are all so emotional.  It has been three years since Joshua died of SUDEP (Sudden Unexplained Death in Epilepsy).  I just don’t think I can express how I’m feelin, so I’d like to share “Ten Things You May Not Know about Joshua”

 

10.  Joshua was the littlest of the Newmanettes.

9.  Josh loved to cuddle with me in our rocking chair.  His sisters loved to tease him about being a Mama’s boy;  He would put on his ornery little brother grin and chase them every time.    
 

8.  When Josh was ten, he told us when he grew up he wanted to:   Run a putt-putt golf place, adopt a boy, a girl, and a dog, and coach kids' soccer.

7. This picture was taken right after Josh  drew all over the side of the house with a Sharpie! (Stephi couldn’t take watching her brother get in trouble.  She consoled him after his time out.)    

 

6.  Josh loved to throw stink bugs on his sisters to make them scream.  Today, all four of us think of Josh whenever we find a stink bug...and we can't help ourselves...we release them.

5. During PE, one of Joshua's classmates bounced off of him, fell and broke his arm.  Josh was so upset about hurting him that he carried the boy’s books while he was in his arm cast.  

4.  Josh loved fish aquariums.  For his 4^th birthday, we gave him an aquarium with two fish.  By morning, it had 10 fish.  He was so excited that the baby fishies were born on his birthday.

3.  Josh was always climbing in and out of things.  

2.  Josh wouldn’t touch his homework until after dinner.  Then he would lay on his belly and work on it until he was done.

1.  Britt captured the video moment on her phone.  We teased Josh like crazy about it.  What a treasure it is now.

 

 

Oh my boy!  Oh how I Love You and Miss You!

Mom

Pink Pistol Night!

I want to be serious today but my brain is not working. I meant to go to church, but watched a past sermon on the computer instead.  It was about heaven and it touched my heart.

I wanted to get some chores done, but was distracted by some movies.

I was feelin’ all good about going to a charity fundraiser for a fellow SUDEP family yesterday and wanted to say something profound but all I can do is “be one with the couch”.

About the most productive thing it looks like I’ll be doing is taking the girls to see country megastar Miranda Lambert.  We are big Miranda Lambert fans.  The girl sings without a filter and wrote a song with her husband Blake Shelton that has carried my family through the craziness of life without Josh.

Miranda has another bond with my family now as Brittany is attending school in Oklahoma, Miranda’s home state.  A few months ago while visiting, we took a roadtrip to her boutique The Pink Pistol.

Blake Shelton at the Pink Pistol?
 

I’ve sent some notes to newly bereaved parents to let them know they are not alone.  I hope it helps.  I think it does.

So tonight think I’ll just live in the now,  go enjoy the concert with my girls, rain or shine, bawl my way through “Over You”, and buy a tshirt.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y2icHOgC5U

Hugs!
Sherri

Memory Keeping

I am a huge scrapbooker!  In fact, I enjoy it so much,  I went away for an entire weekend to a scrapbooking retreat resting only for a few short hours at night. 

My very first scrapbook was a notebook where I taped all the Donny Osmond articles, and my ticket stubs from his concert.  No laughing please....the man still looks good and he's a grandad! Ok, maybe I should have left that last fact out.  Anyways, those were some great days!

This memory album habit continued right up to now.  I loved it when I shared the adventures  of life, which gradually included the tall mountain man, our wedding and one by one, three Newmanettes.

When Josh was about a year old, I became a Creative Memories "Memory Album" Consultant. to support my habit, save my sanity and supplement our income while the kiddos were so little.  It was great.... I would play with the Newmanettes all day long, throw their crabby, tired young selves at their father at dinner time, and go off to show other women (and a few men) how to preserve their photos and bring out their creative juices, sometimes with the aid of "grownup" juice.

Another benefit to this passion are the gobs of family and children albums that fill our house.   There were times they could be a slight hazard when I would trip over one or more spread out across the floor by a small boy who loved to look at his photos.

Then came the day that changed my life forever.  Joshua was just buried and I came home to a full house of loved ones showing their support.  I walked into our  living room and was quickly moved to tears as I saw friends and family thumbing through Joshua's albums enjoying the memories of his life.  I can't really explain the feeling other than I felt I had done something right during a time when I was questioning myself so much.

A few months later, the photo albums took on healing powers when we included photos of so many of those we love walking for epilepsy in Joshua's memory. 

I recently noticed a new habit I have developed in the memories corner while designing our annual Valentine. I always include photos of the kids and our family, but it just didn't seem the same without Joshua, so I found the perfect photo thanks to several of the girls' friends....  It's a photo sharing tribute to Joshua.  You'll see it later.

Joshua's friends scratched this out near the end of our first epilepsy walk.  Big Hug in gravel!

It was the latest of  tribute photos.  It joined the photo taken at the epilepsy walk photo of Joshua's name scratched out by his friends in the gravel.  Then I found the photo of the teddy bear made from his Hershey Park shirt to go with our visit to Hershey Park to ride Roller Coasters for Joshua's birthday  last June.

Your past is your future and I still want to include Joshua even though he is no longer here with us.   I guess it's a creative side to my grieving, but it works.  I can see it now.  Instead of Flat Stanleys all over the world, people can send me photos of "Joshua" memories when he is in their hearts...oh wait we have some of those.

Our friend Maria sent this photo with her Joshua's Smile cap during her trip to Paris..Love it!!
 

I hear the stories of other bereaved families who are actually criticized for talking about their children.  We have not found that with our friends and family.  So many great stories, so many ways to remember our sweet ornery one. His impact on those around him didn't end on the day he died, so why should the happy memories?

We are surrounded by buildings, parks, and statues dedicated to the memory of loved ones who have made a contribution.  Those are great, and I imagine they help their remaining loved ones feel such a pride that they are remembered.

Here's the photo for our Valentine this year.

The girls' choral group came to show their support at the Joshua Newman 5K.

For me, the monument to Joshua's legacy is captured in photos and they have become absolutely priceless!

Do something for me.....take lots of photos, and make sure you're in them too!

Hugs!
Sherri

Oblivious to the obvious-off to college

It's here, another major milestone!  Brittany is off to college.  I am still in denial and may stay there until ....hmmmm December sounds good...then she'll be home on break.

Brad, always the practical engineer,  has been trying to prepare me for this huge change.  He always forgets I have the gift of being oblivious to the obvious.   I think I like that gift right now.  He is already grieving the loss of having Britt at home to aggravate and love on a daily basis.  I don't feel it yet...I can only focus on today and she's here.

Maybe it's more real for him because he took her to the college visitations "way out there" and watched her face light up once she saw the campus.   He knows her heart is already in Oklahoma.  It will be Brad taking her on the big road trip from Virginia to Oklahoma with stops in Tennessee to visit family.  We will pray hard for Brittany as we know how much Brad loves to travel through busy unfamiliar cities, and how he likes to "passionately critique" other drivers who perhaps aren't focused on driving while behind the wheel.

You would never know this man has travelled all over the world during his career.  He has been fretting about everything.....will everything fit in the car?  Is she packed? Is she ready?  I assure him everything will be fine.  In about a week I won't be so sure.

 Britt is fretting as to whether 10 pairs of shoes and 2 suitcases of clothing are too much.  I remind her, that this is her life...this is not summer camp.   Take it all and see what fits! 

Brad is so focused on Britt that he has filled the car with college stuff and left his beloved golf clubs at home alone without a sitter.  When Britt asked him if he was taking his clubs on this trip with her, and he answered "No, it's all about you!"  I think she was shocked...and touched.  No greater love is there than a parent for their child.

I find it both touching and amusing that Brad is worried for ME when "It" hits the fan.  All those  times he was pacing back and forth that he did over the years as I slept soundly, or read to pass the time, and he is worried about me?!   ...I know he has a valid concern.  Both my Alpha and Omega children will both be away from me.  Let's not think about it. 

Let's think about what this means to Stephi.  I can see it now....Stephi will be so tired of being the center of our attention, that she will run wildly out of the door screaming for space and her independence when it comes her time to leave in two years. 

I'm  now turning to distraction by suggesting to Brittany that she map out the road trip she and her dad will take and stop for some great photo ops such as "Largest ball of yarn; World's largest skillet" or something fun.  It looks like Graceland in Memphis might fit the bill.  I'm sure Brad will love the jungle room.

As my mind wanders, all I can think about is I hope she has as great a college experience as I did.   I loved college and the people who became my life.  I reminded her that she needs to find her "Marcia and Gloria"...former college 'partners in crime' aka roomies who have become sisters of a different mother.   

Oh, and Britt if you're reading this, I really don't need to hear those amazing stories of what made those college friendships great until years from now. My heart is fragile :)

Yep, I'm handling it really well.

~ I have told her I have plans for her room. She just rolls her eyes.

~ I remind her that I won't even notice she's gone. She laughs until she cackles.

~ I have told her I will get my needed daily hugs from other sources...strangers if I have to. She nods in agreement to that one. Hmmmm.

~ I have told her I'm thrilled my house will remain clean.  She reminds me she was the neat child.

I have used great quotes from well respected sources such as the movie "Bull Durham" to get her prepared.  "Brittany, college classes are gonna light you up like a pinball game for a little while; Don't worry about it".  She looks relieved.  Really?  I quote a baseball movie and she gets it!

 I'm not really in denial.  I know I'll miss her and grieve her madly, but right now all I can be is excited for her! How wonderful is this first taste of independence?  She gets to make her own dreams come true and enjoy the moment!  Her "workday" is a day of constant learning, reading, and socializing with people her age.  Her whole world is within walking distance and she will plan her life out a week at a time. No greater time is there than these.

Of course it comes up....that big elephant in the room.  How will she do on her own across country when those pangs for her baby brother hit full force?   I honestly don't know....we are venturing into uncharted territory.  But one thing is certain... I am only 1 exit away from the airport and I will cash in my 401k if that's what I need to do to get to her in a time of need. 

She is my oldest child, my light, my world and now it's time for me to let her grow her earthly wings.  I just won't let her see the tears that fall as we leave her on her own.    I have to keep remembering that she is God's child and there are things he needs her to do so I will do my best to cut the apron strings and let her do her thing.

It all comes down to this great quote by Eleanor Powell.....
  "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." ~Eleanor Powell

Sending Hugs to my Beautiful Brittany! 

Hugs,
Sherri

Mothers on Mother's Day

I woke up at 9:00 this morning....whoa! I never sleep that late. It must have been sitting around with "the Board" til midnight over a bottle of wine that did that one. Whatever the reason, I'm awake on yet another one of those bittersweet days... Mother's Day.

I think the part of Mother's Day where I don't cook, clean or lift a finger suits me well..I can actually use this holiday as an excuse for doing nothing. I chose not to attend church and asked for lunch to be curbside pickup versus dining room so I could discreetly avoid the upbeat celebration of Mother's Day. That part of the day is still just too much to take on 17 months after losing Joshua.

Am I neglecting my living children by grieving my sweet ornery one? Truth be told my girls are thrilled not to have to make a big fuss over me and they know they are my reason to celebrate the blessings in my life, even when the loss of one of them overwhelms me at times.

A good plan of action is to keep busy so you won't think about it. Out to the garden I go with tools and plants just in time to look up to see our very own 'Neurologist in the making'. Our sweet neighbor who was a first responder on that day in November. She was so greatly impacted by Joshua's death that she chose to specialize in seizures, and is in the last part of her med training at Georgetown. She is the mother to two small boys who love and adore her. She inspires me beyond words and we have plans to work together in the world of epilepsy.

I turn around next to see my neighbor and dear friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer two weeks before Joshua died. 17 months later after too many surgeries and procedures to count, her hair has returned thick and full of body. She looks great, has fought off cancer in 4 areas and possibly in remission with the 5th. She is a mother of two who inspires me to fight on through anything.

Ok, I'm not able to keep my mind free of Josh, so I walk to the front yard just and recognize another mom walking up the sidewalk. She is a favorite of my kids and even though we don't see each other much, remains adored. We learned just how long it had been since we really chatted when after I gave her the update on the girls' lives, she asked " how is Joshie?"

Wow, can it be she never knew? We've seen one another in passing, but never talked about it. I could feel the color leaving my face on that one. As I shared with her the news of losing Josh 17 months ago to SUDEP, I hear those sounds of pain as the news sets in; the tears and hysteria which accompany her fierce hugs as I share what happened between her apologies and sadness. For that moment I'm back to 17 months ago.

It's Mother's Day and I been reminded that my youngest is gone three times in an hour. This is more than chocolate, wine, crying or anything can help. I think it's time to avoid all outside human contact and thank God I didn't become a complete blubbering fool who melted into the sidewalk when I shared Joshua's loss once again.

Finally, I sit on the patio listening to the water from the fountain my daughters gave me last year. Such a reprieve. The perfect location to 'just be" on this day that most celebrate.

I'm sure it's not a coincidence that I've seen the moms I've seen today. I'm sure it's a reminder from God on this Hallmark Holiday that there is still so much to see and do yet.

I have shed some tears today, and likely will shed more, but they are tears of love and I have been so very blessed to have love in my life.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hugs,
Sherri

My name is Jesus but you can call me Jess, how can I help you?

What a crazy day but I mean that in the best way possible.  It started off at church where Stephi and I were Greeters assigned to the kid's door next to the adventurous playground.   Then it was up to the lobby area to meet Brad and Britt.  We still haven't been able to venture into the sanctuary much after Joshua's funeral.  It's a struggle for each of us in a different way, so for now we sit as a family in the comfy lobby and watch the sermon on the screen as giggling toddlers and 'stroller escapees' run around us. 

We decided to go for lunch but since we had two cars that morning we split up into two teams and headed over.  My car was driven by Stephi whose vigilance to the speed limit and stop signs has been known to drive me to drink, and 10 mins after the others we arrived at our destination met with scowls.  Apparently, they had tried to call my cell phone but alas it was off.....again!   Somehow the fact that I have a phone with a mind of its' own is my fault. 


Tired of dealing with the cottin pickin phone that has "issues," I dared Brad to buy me a new phone.  Now it is no secret that I am the world's worst cell phone user.  All I want are buttons to dial.  I recently upgraded and joined the texting world so I now need buttons to text and that's it.  I was able to quickly found a phone I liked because it's red!  A very good selling feature.  While it's not a smart phone and doesn't have a data plan, it does slide!  Fancy stuff!

An hour later we walked out with my new red phone and headed back to the house where I grabbed the girls and was off to do girlie things. Once we girls returned home, I needed to grab a nap.  I have been pretty exhausted for about a week now but I don't really make much of it as this isn't anything new since grief already wears me out. Of course, I haven't slept well either since Stephi shared her cold with me so this was a no win situation.

Where would I be without my two lovies?

The  strange  thing about grief is you never know what to be concerned about and what is 'just' grief, because grief is pretty devastating to your body as well as your mind.  It breaks your heart, sends your head into a tailspin, tears up your stomach and just makes everything hurt...so you lose your ability to know what's real trouble.


When I woke up wheezing and hacking, I heard a little voice in my head telling me it was time to visit my friendly neighborhood Urgent Care.  Downstairs I trotted to tell the girls of my plans realizing all the more that I had the right idea when Brittany took one look at me, grabbed the car keys and insisted on driving me.  There were those moments on the highway when it felt like we could win Nascar, until I assured her I was doing ok and preferred to get there without a ticket and in one piece.

Danika may have some competition in Nascar.

Once we arrived I signed in and was greeted by Jesus.  Not just any Jesus, but Jesus of the Holy Cross.   I don't know about you but I couldn't keep my composure.  Many people might be a little concerned if Jesus meets them at the hospital, but I found him to be a hoot!  Jesus and I had a great time updating my records that had remained untouched since the 1990s before I was Mrs. Newman.  He had a great wit about him, a genuineness and I knew I was in good hands when he said are you a christian?  I am too.  I blessed his parents for giving such a kind gentleman such a strong name.


I was taken back for vitals and the usual barrage of questions.  Now of course when they ask the question of " have you been under any great stress or receiving counseling" it is a struggle to not give a snotty response such as "really, you have to ask, doesn't it show?"  because they truly don't know.  I look them in the eye and respond, "I'm bereaved."  In the medical profession, that declaration in itself changes the whole diagnosis process as it is a known fact that those grieving are usually sicker, develop both chronic and life threatening illnesses quickly after their loss, and suffer from lower resistance to illness as their bodies are just worn out. 


Notes were written and off I was sent for examination, xrays and a breathing treatment.   The last time I had to have a breathing treatment was the morning of Joshua's calling hours.  This was not a good trigger to dwell on so I looked for any distraction possible which came along.


I was trying to concentrate on what I was supposed to do which was breathing in and out, but I still managed to hear the sound medical advice given to the collegiate on the other side of the curtain who while visiting his girlfriend and her family tested positive for mono.   How do you explain that one?  It gets better.....I soon realized from the questions being asked that this same collegiate was flying out of town on a public commuter plane. His medical advice in response to his question if he could fly with this newly discovered mono? "Don't sneeze on or kiss anyone and everyone will be fine". Flyers beware!


Brad was soon texting me on my new red phone wanting updates and sharing this very romantic gesture...."I'll stay awake until you get home".  He was even willing to come relieve Britt but to be honest, Britt handles late nights much better than Brad.  Britt for her part kept entertained by organizing my red phone during our wait and trying to keep her laugh to a minimum as I began to shake and shiver during my breathing treatment.  I wasn't offended because I'm sure Momma on steroids is quite a sight to behold.

Day trip with Josh sporting a snazzy green cast.

During our quality time in the 6x6 room we shared, we began to reminisce over those special memories a mother treasures.....hospital visits.  Who could forget taking Britt into the ER when she had a reaction to a simple surgery?  Or that visit just 3 days later with Josh after his failed attempt to jump our fence resulted in a broken wrist?  Not great things we went through but they were ours and after the fact it's nice to talk about the memories and have a good laugh together albeit mine had that raspy hacky feel to it.  It's nice to talk about Josh anytime and not shed tears.

Three hours later, after xrays and breathing treatments, I was sent home with a diagnosis of bronchitis and ordered to remain at home and rest for two days.  Great!  They send the kid with mono on a airplane to some exotic location but the mom with bronchitis has to stay at home and do nothing!  hmmmm that shows promise.

Here's a happier trigger....my ornery one watching his beloved colts play the redskins.




Hugs,
Sherri