One phone call

I tell ya, this grief thing certainly doesn’t follow a straight path…it’s more like a zig zag.  From 9-5 I’m in work mode, the consummate professional with no signs that I'm bereaved, at 7 I’m one with the couch dreaming of bedtime because it takes so much energy to wear the mask, and once a week I’m sitting in Congregational Care Training learning to help those in crisis. 

It seems kinda crazy that I’m learning how to help those in crisis, but I think my realness,  sharing both highs and my lows…sometimes in the same 60 seconds, serve as a source of strength to others struggling with loss.

Almost immediately after burying Joshua, I was asked to reach out to even newer bereaved families;  It’s something I continue to do now.  I send notes of encouragement to newly bereaved parents, make phone calls of support, or meet for coffee.  It's very emotional, and I’ve wondered from time to time why I feel moved to do all of this.  The answer came blurting out during a recent angel mom wine night while debating grief stuff that only a group of angel moms debate.   The rawness and clarity actually startled me for a moment.

I do it so parents who have just lost their most precious child know that they can survive their child's death.

I know what you’re thinking…..Wait a minute….Bereaved parents don’t want to live? 

To someone who has not lived through incredible loss, I can understand how the idea of being so heartbroken you don’t want to live is frightening, but ask a bereaved parent a little further along on their journey if they ever “went there” in the hours/days/weeks after child died;  did they have those dark thoughts of leaving this earth or not wanting to live on, and they will likely admit they did.

The good news is if they’re having this conversation with you, they made the choice to live and can likely tell you the  exact moment they knew they wanted to live.

Yes, I did go there;  Yes, I decided I wanted to live.   But even after I made the initial choice to live, I needed assurance, and sought stories and people who were further ahead on their journey living happy lives.  I sought parents who had walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come up on the other side changed, but alive and well.


God’s hand was at work in December 2010;  While at home, grieving too hard to go to work, I received a life changing phone call.  A woman I had never met, someone who received an email I sent to their grief ministry website, felt the need to call me.  “Judy” lost her 12 year old daughter to an undiagnosed heart condition years before. The voice on the phone was a bereaved mom. and it was warm, inviting, caring, and full of life.  She graciously took the time to share her own dark days, her own struggle and how life was so worth living. 

http://smileagainministries.com/mission.html

It was exactly what I needed to carry on.  One voice, one conversation made the difference!

When I hear about a newly bereaved family, I immediately send out a note of sympathy assuring them that their loss is absolutely heartbreaking, and to remember to breath in and breath out and know they are not alone.

I want to remind them in their despair to keep breathing.  I have faith that in time they will rediscover a life that has happiness.  That might mean raising their living children who need them so, loving others in need, writing beautiful poems/songs, or capturing a sunset that brings peace to a restless mind. Imagine where our world would be without Barbara Bush, Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Nelson Mandela.

I am still pretty new in my own grief, but I can and will  offer my love and support to others in their journey.

 Hugs!
Sherri


In the midst of winter I will entertain the possibility that summer will come - Martha Whitmore Hickman