Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

Snowcation 2016

We’re on our 3^rd day of our 'Snowcation!'  I’ve actually run out of pjs to wear, so I’m gonna have to do some laundry. 

True to form, the local media stirred panic with their week long special reports, “the sky is falling, make sure you fill you house floor to ceiling with water, bread and butter”.  I’ve always wondered,

What can you do with bread, water and butter?

My cart was filled with a couple of steaks, a pot roast and some wine…that seemed more practical.  While others were panicked about being stuck at home, I was planning romantic dinners, movies, and a contingency that if electricity gave out, a cozy fire and candles.

 Colleagues outside of the area called to share their concern for us...so sweet!  I assured them, all was well. Couples and families will have much needed time together….and the proof will be the baby boom in about 10 months.

Brad's car is a great decoration...it ain't goin anywhere!

I pulled the car into the garage just as the snow started to fall.  24 hours later, it was still falling and the street disappeared.  Brad left his car out...here's what happened to his black car.

Brad and I shoveled 5 times on Saturday, 3 times on Sunday, and today our goal will be to break through the 4 foot wall that stands between us and the street.

 

I took this time to do a little cleaning out.   

My first project was the records drawers in our basement.  Earlier this week, I worked on our taxes, so as I went through the drawers,  I  took out my tax returns from 2008 to destroy them;  At that moment there was a lump in my throat as I realized there is only 1 more year that Joshua will be listed as my child.  While he will always be my child, the IRS will no longer care.   Ugh…it seemed like a “nothing” moment, yet, I felt those tears. 

Gotta snap out of it!  I turned my attention to some piles nearby and found some Josh treasures within.  School reports, artwork.  What a gift!

I finished what I was doing for the day and came upstairs just as Joshua's favorite football player, Peyton Manning was on the tv celebrating his team's victory!  We get to see Peyton and the Broncos in the Super Bowl again.  Oh my gosh, Josh was would be doing a happy dance.  I did it for him!

I went to bed that night with my electric blanket wrapped around me and slept like a rock.

When I woke up,  I took Alex for a walk on the street;  The only spot to walk.  Alex was so happy to stretch his legs.  It was a beautiful with the sun rising upon our quiet street.   I was alone with my thoughts when   I felt the urge to look up.  Joshua's bedroom was lit.   We hadn't turned it on, so I knew that in the stillness of the morning, Josh was taking the moment to say “Good Morning!"

There is always music amongst the trees in the garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it.  ~Minnie Aumonier

Joshua 2003

Stay Safe and Warm!

Hugs!

Sherri

I need a Silent Night

 We really made an effort for Christmas this year.   We threw ourselves into the preparations for our first hosted Holiday Party, we dusted off decorations and lights we hadn’t used since Josh died 6 Christmases ago, and we went out and picked up some new ones because we wanted to "Go Big".  We wrapped this house in 'Merry' front to back in and out; even the commodes were decorated.

Either I’m getting old, or I have a lot of stuff because it took quite a while to get it all done.  Mom said it was because I didn’t have my little helpers.  That was probably true…we were planning a party and our kids weren’t a part of it.  How very empty nester of us.

A couple of weeks later, the house filled with friends, music blared, delicious smells of food filled the air, and Stephi walked in with stealth kitty.  Yay!  Bonus! 

Everyone was having a wonderful time, and the last one was out the door at 2 am.  Good thing since I had to be at church to sing the Christmas Cantat 5 hours later.  Who needs sleep?

Choirs were a centerpiece of my world that slipped away as the children arrived and their care took priority.  As part of the throwing myself into the season, I joined not 1 but 2 choirs!   My big plan worked, I was a busy girl with no time to think!

Our choir sang the cantata three times, and though I was wiped out, I jumped at the chance when  Stephi came running down the aisle.  “Mom, that was so good, let’s go celebrate!” This is one of those times where you thank God that your child wants to spend time with you, and you’re very thankful that God also provided caffeine!

Britt arrived on Sunday with her hissing cat…such a friendly guy.  It felt like our very own partridge in a pear tree.  Two hissing cats, one barking dog, and a Christmas tree that miraculously remained intact.

Britt was rushing in so we could see the Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith Holiday concert. Anyone who knows the history of contemporary Christian knows that Amy and Michael are the founders of this.  As a college student, I remember actually thinking the church cared because they were welcoming the music I could relate to.
 
These two musicians love the Lord, have a lion share of musical talents and lets face it, in this time of terrorism and fear, it was a welcomed change to hear heartfelt chords for Christ. 

During a part of their concerts, I swear I could hear the heavens sing a joyous song.  I felt a connection with Josh and tears streamed down my face not only for the beauty of the sound, but the joy that Josh was surrounded by love and beauty and I missed him dearly.  This feeling was captured in a tear.

On Christmas Eve, I was back up in the choir loft making my own joyful noise with both girls next to me.  They were recruited to join the Contemporary choir by my charming ways “C’mon and do this, it will be fun”.   Snagged them!

Silent Night by candlelight made the sanctuary glow in white.  It was gorgeous and those tears that hold every emotion, sat in the corner of my eyes.

Christmas brought fun gifts…the psycho dog discovered tissue paper is cool to shred, all bows had been mysteriously separated from their gifts, and two cats looked on with a glint of guilt.  They were both so curious.  Here’s the moment Britt captured on camera because she thought it look exactly like the photo on the left.  What do you think?

 It was a good Christmas.  We felt the Joy of the Season for the first time in 6 Christmases.  There was only one thing that was missing...Josh!  His stocking may have been empty of stuff, but it was still part of our season, just as Josh always will be. 

Hugs!
Sherri

One phone call

I tell ya, this grief thing certainly doesn’t follow a straight path…it’s more like a zig zag.  From 9-5 I’m in work mode, the consummate professional with no signs that I'm bereaved, at 7 I’m one with the couch dreaming of bedtime because it takes so much energy to wear the mask, and once a week I’m sitting in Congregational Care Training learning to help those in crisis. 

It seems kinda crazy that I’m learning how to help those in crisis, but I think my realness,  sharing both highs and my lows…sometimes in the same 60 seconds, serve as a source of strength to others struggling with loss.

Almost immediately after burying Joshua, I was asked to reach out to even newer bereaved families;  It’s something I continue to do now.  I send notes of encouragement to newly bereaved parents, make phone calls of support, or meet for coffee.  It's very emotional, and I’ve wondered from time to time why I feel moved to do all of this.  The answer came blurting out during a recent angel mom wine night while debating grief stuff that only a group of angel moms debate.   The rawness and clarity actually startled me for a moment.

I do it so parents who have just lost their most precious child know that they can survive their child's death.

I know what you’re thinking…..Wait a minute….Bereaved parents don’t want to live? 

To someone who has not lived through incredible loss, I can understand how the idea of being so heartbroken you don’t want to live is frightening, but ask a bereaved parent a little further along on their journey if they ever “went there” in the hours/days/weeks after child died;  did they have those dark thoughts of leaving this earth or not wanting to live on, and they will likely admit they did.

The good news is if they’re having this conversation with you, they made the choice to live and can likely tell you the  exact moment they knew they wanted to live.

Yes, I did go there;  Yes, I decided I wanted to live.   But even after I made the initial choice to live, I needed assurance, and sought stories and people who were further ahead on their journey living happy lives.  I sought parents who had walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come up on the other side changed, but alive and well.


God’s hand was at work in December 2010;  While at home, grieving too hard to go to work, I received a life changing phone call.  A woman I had never met, someone who received an email I sent to their grief ministry website, felt the need to call me.  “Judy” lost her 12 year old daughter to an undiagnosed heart condition years before. The voice on the phone was a bereaved mom. and it was warm, inviting, caring, and full of life.  She graciously took the time to share her own dark days, her own struggle and how life was so worth living. 

http://smileagainministries.com/mission.html

It was exactly what I needed to carry on.  One voice, one conversation made the difference!

When I hear about a newly bereaved family, I immediately send out a note of sympathy assuring them that their loss is absolutely heartbreaking, and to remember to breath in and breath out and know they are not alone.

I want to remind them in their despair to keep breathing.  I have faith that in time they will rediscover a life that has happiness.  That might mean raising their living children who need them so, loving others in need, writing beautiful poems/songs, or capturing a sunset that brings peace to a restless mind. Imagine where our world would be without Barbara Bush, Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Nelson Mandela.

I am still pretty new in my own grief, but I can and will  offer my love and support to others in their journey.

 Hugs!
Sherri


In the midst of winter I will entertain the possibility that summer will come - Martha Whitmore Hickman

Perserverance

We are heading down to the second Angelversary of Joshua’s death.  Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.  Two years ago today we were attending soccer games, school activities, and threatening three kids who were always tormenting one another...a gloriously normal life.

Two years and one week from now, I was sitting in a hospital room listening to the surgeon talk about cancer surgery with my dear friend who had gone to the ER with stomach pains the day before.   She has persevered through numerous treatments, surgeries, side effects and two years later,  not only continues her valiant fight against stage 4 Colon cancer but remains a dear  supportive friend.   She is my hero!

Two years and two weeks from now, life came crashing down around us as we faced life without Josh.  The first year was stuck between disbelief, shock and utter despair at the same time….alot of the year escapes my memory.  The second year has been just as painful, but with a twist of introspective healing.  The one word that keeps coming to mind is Perseverance.

Perseverance:  A steady will to complete a task in spite of any obstacles before you.

Perseverance is inspirational.   Hearing about those who have gone through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side gives me hope.  I have been truly lifted up by others going through “life”.    

In two weeks our friends and family will walk the Joshua Newman Memorial 5K Walk/Run for Epilepsy and SUDEP awareness.  Perseverance will hopefully show up again as we walk with over 130 people, give hugs, and remember my sweet ornery son.

Hugs,
Sherri

P.S. We would love to see you on November 24th.  For Information please go to Dannydid.org.

Too many toilets

It's 4 am and I am WIDE AWAKE!!! Yikes!

Britt is almost through her first week of college and seems to be adjusting.  She’s a bit lonely, but time will bring friendships and cafeteria buddies.  Her drop off was only a major ordeal because we were 1 of 4,000 families grabbing the same elevators to get moved into smallish rooms with bad furniture.   Lucky for us, only the polite crowds showed up on our vators.

I would like to have counted all the hefting around and step climbing as a "work out" but I forgot my pedometer so I have no proof or idea how far we walked.  My legs kept telling me it was a lot though.

All the while we were at OU, I kept thinking about how much Josh would love seeing the football players we saw. While we were in the bookstore,  there was a wall of these huge moving mountains getting their books and I could see in them what  he would have likely resembled in a few short years. Those kind of thoughts when they hit just get me riled and ticked off!   

Once we got Britt settled in and unpacked, it was time for our tearful goodbyes.  While I was prepared to totally lose it on her, Brad beat me to it.  By the time it was my turn, it was actually a bit anticlimatic since I was all cried out watching them.  I was like "Bye kid, see ya in October."  

Ok, maybe I've slightly exaggerated, but as I said goodbye I went back to Britt on her first day of kindergarten.  While many moms followed their child's bus with tears streaming, I was thrilled to have her enjoy her first day.  Once I put her safely on the bus, it was like, "Anyone wanna  go to Starbucks to celebrate? My child's on a new adventure today!"  

I always think of these moments like that Disney commercial where the little girl exclaims "I've been waiting my whole life for this!"  We found photos of Brittany's 4th birthday party and in the background on the television was the move "Twister" which inspired her to go to school to be a "storm chaser".  She truly has been waiting her whole life for this!

My friends are concerned.  They have either called or written to help me get through this seemingly traumatic change in my world.  They feel I must really be terribly upset that less than two years after my youngest gained his wings,  my oldest is so far away at college.....honestly, I don't feel it yet.  I know I will hear all about it, and will experience this new chapter through her eyes.  That makes me very happy.  The real trial will be the call with tears on the other end and I can't reach through and pull her to me.  When that happens, look out world, mama Bear is on the rampage!

While I truly appreciate that so many friends are worried about me now that Britt is at college, I was so grateful for the one who caught on to what has really been bothering me.  Stephi  home alone!  

Never mind that she was not supposed to be the last one at home.   Never mind that there were supposed to be four plates at the table, not three.  We don't even outnumber the toilets in our house anymore.  That alone makes me sad...I loved coming home from a road trip and everyone running to a bathroom with one person having to wait for a turn.  Now there is an extra one.    Who would ever think toilets could make you sad?!

I have to admit that Stephi doesn't seem to be bothered as much as I am.  In fact, she seems to be handling it beautifully.  She doesn't have to share the car with her sister, run her brother around, or even put up with either of their aggravations, though I'll bet you, she would happily do as much running as Josh needed and wishes he was here to tattle on.

Brad and I have noticed how big the house suddenly feels and how it's quiet, too quiet here.  So much change does make ya wonder what you're gonna do with your life and how you lived before you had kids.  We have two years of enjoying Stephi and all that she does, though our participation is somewhat limited since she now drives and is truly 16 going on 29!

So, here’s to yet another chapter of life unrevealed, and one I hope is truly uneventful for a bit...  I am happy to turn on my skype and live my life vicariously through my girls for a little while.

Hugs to you all during this busy school season!

Sherri