The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

Snowy Day

The DC area shuts down with the threat of snow.  Coming from the snowbelt, where we tunnel through the snow, and went to school in near white out conditions, this seemed ridiculous to me in the early days.  I was certain I had the stuff….I could effortlessly handle the little dusting they called storm warnings and covered in detail on the news;   

One day I ignored the warnings, went out on the streets and was almost instantly smacked off the road by other drivers not accustomed to driving in snow.  After making a deal with Jesus, I became ONE OF THOSE DRIVERS who pays attention to the threat of snow with both eyes and ears…AND,  I keep my butt off the roads.

So here I sit at home, the Federal Government is closed down, following a lovely Valentine’s weekend  that  brought both girls home unexpectedly.  While I was so happy to see them, I hated what brought them home.

5 days earlier we received the news that my sweet Aunt had completed suicide.  It hit me very hard not only from realizing the wonderful aunt of my childhood memories had taken her own life, but it was  exactly two years to the day when I received a similar call from my friend Nancy.   

The news set off a grief trigger with Brittany and we soon realized we needed to get her home.  Her dad booked a flight using his miles, and her little sister dropped all her plans to drive up to support her sister.  Valentine’s Weekend went from an empty nester nice dinner, to a weekend full of kids who needed comfort and assurance that life would be ok. There were moments when the girls jumped on my bed and I shared stories about my aunt, spoke of Josh, and broke out in delirious giggles.

Sunday night was an unexpected dinner with their cousin and his girlfriend with an eye to the sky looking for snow.

By Monday, with the storm heading our way, we shooed Stephi back to NC , and dropped Britt off at the airport as the snowflakes began to hit.   When her flight was delayed, her dad began to pace and stalk the airline updates.   Three hours later, she was in the air and made it to Houston before she was stuck overnight, but at least her dad stopped his pacing and called it a night.

Joshua loving the toy he received from Great Aunt B

The girls are doing much better, and so am I after having them home for just a little while.  My heart goes out to my cousins, and I can’t help but feel a little jealous of  the warm homecoming my Aunt had at the pearly gates.

 

Aunt B., You are missed, and Loved Forever!

"This world is to be likened to the porch; the world to come unto the palace." --The Talmud

HUGS!

Sherri

One phone call

I tell ya, this grief thing certainly doesn’t follow a straight path…it’s more like a zig zag.  From 9-5 I’m in work mode, the consummate professional with no signs that I'm bereaved, at 7 I’m one with the couch dreaming of bedtime because it takes so much energy to wear the mask, and once a week I’m sitting in Congregational Care Training learning to help those in crisis. 

It seems kinda crazy that I’m learning how to help those in crisis, but I think my realness,  sharing both highs and my lows…sometimes in the same 60 seconds, serve as a source of strength to others struggling with loss.

Almost immediately after burying Joshua, I was asked to reach out to even newer bereaved families;  It’s something I continue to do now.  I send notes of encouragement to newly bereaved parents, make phone calls of support, or meet for coffee.  It's very emotional, and I’ve wondered from time to time why I feel moved to do all of this.  The answer came blurting out during a recent angel mom wine night while debating grief stuff that only a group of angel moms debate.   The rawness and clarity actually startled me for a moment.

I do it so parents who have just lost their most precious child know that they can survive their child's death.

I know what you’re thinking…..Wait a minute….Bereaved parents don’t want to live? 

To someone who has not lived through incredible loss, I can understand how the idea of being so heartbroken you don’t want to live is frightening, but ask a bereaved parent a little further along on their journey if they ever “went there” in the hours/days/weeks after child died;  did they have those dark thoughts of leaving this earth or not wanting to live on, and they will likely admit they did.

The good news is if they’re having this conversation with you, they made the choice to live and can likely tell you the  exact moment they knew they wanted to live.

Yes, I did go there;  Yes, I decided I wanted to live.   But even after I made the initial choice to live, I needed assurance, and sought stories and people who were further ahead on their journey living happy lives.  I sought parents who had walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come up on the other side changed, but alive and well.


God’s hand was at work in December 2010;  While at home, grieving too hard to go to work, I received a life changing phone call.  A woman I had never met, someone who received an email I sent to their grief ministry website, felt the need to call me.  “Judy” lost her 12 year old daughter to an undiagnosed heart condition years before. The voice on the phone was a bereaved mom. and it was warm, inviting, caring, and full of life.  She graciously took the time to share her own dark days, her own struggle and how life was so worth living. 

http://smileagainministries.com/mission.html

It was exactly what I needed to carry on.  One voice, one conversation made the difference!

When I hear about a newly bereaved family, I immediately send out a note of sympathy assuring them that their loss is absolutely heartbreaking, and to remember to breath in and breath out and know they are not alone.

I want to remind them in their despair to keep breathing.  I have faith that in time they will rediscover a life that has happiness.  That might mean raising their living children who need them so, loving others in need, writing beautiful poems/songs, or capturing a sunset that brings peace to a restless mind. Imagine where our world would be without Barbara Bush, Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Nelson Mandela.

I am still pretty new in my own grief, but I can and will  offer my love and support to others in their journey.

 Hugs!
Sherri


In the midst of winter I will entertain the possibility that summer will come - Martha Whitmore Hickman

Happiness Guilt

Well, we’re back to work for now, and taking life day by day.  Britt is enjoying college football season, Stephi is enjoying Homecoming week, and Brad is enjoying his last few dates with his dimpled mistress (aka golf) before winter settles in.

Thanks to Bluetooth and my car radio, Britt and I often chat on my way home from work. Ohhh, my girl is going through some real emotions again. I get it and oh how I feel for her. I mean……life is tough enough on a normal day, but when you lose the brother you love, move 21 hours from home, and throw yourself into a new life, it’s bound to happen…..AMBUSH Meltdown!  We talk about it/around it, and sometimes we just grow silent together.   I suggested it might be “Happiness Guilt”….that crash of guilt that hits when she is enjoying a life her brother no longer is here to enjoy.  

Right after Josh died, I started reading about the "new normal” for surviving siblings.  I wanted to hear stories of happy ever after, or at least happy again ever after.    What I learned was the path back from the despair of loss is long and windy.  Some shared stories of turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the loss.  Others avoided friends, and avoided new relationships because they didn’t want the awkward silence that follows “how many brothers/sisters do you have?” Not the news I was hoping for.....

My middle child is really angry.  Her journey includes pages and pages of written words to express her thoughts and questions. Her writing took an interesting twist when she had to respond to a college application essay question…. “Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story?”  Whoa…that innocent question received one heck of an answer from my 17 year old.  I hope they're up for it!

My oldest child still struggles to fall asleep, suffers from anxiety attacks, and is trying to accept that she can truly have a future that is bright and happy.   Yesterday, she heard the horrible sound of metal crashing next to her apartment.  She fought her growing panic, and ran to an accident site even though she knew it might be tragic.  What she found was a young man lying on the side of the road, his motorcycle struck by a truck.  She held him and spoke to him until the paramedics arrived to take over.  The happy side?  He kept talking with her and will heal from his injuries.  He will walk away!  What an incredible healing impact the experience had on her.

Robert Harling, the author of the book and my favorite movie “Steel Magnolias”  shared the story of how his mother insisted on remaining on set for the scene where Julia Robert’s character “Shelby” dies in the hospital. Robert thought it would be too hard for his mother to relive the day his sister/her daughter died, but she refused to leave.  He finally figured out why she had to stay.  She had to see Julia get up out of the bed and walk away. It was a healing moment!

Me and my girls

 

As my daughters etch their way to their joy, I try my best to listen to Britt and ponder with  Stephi, because that is what I CAN DO for them.  Britt is now sharing stories that include new FRIENDS!  Friends who know about her brother; some that can personally relate; some that just grab her by the hand and take her away from it all for a while.

Stephi continues to ponder and work through her questions and thoughts on a daily basis....She asked me to look at her college essay the other day.  It was a very real account  of life without Josh. Though hard for me to read, I was so touched with her closing words….  "Now, I get out of bed every morning and head off to school without dread, and my homework is always done. I hang out with friends and I laugh more than I did when I first lost Joshua. A calmness of sorts has taken over and I can continue to move forward. I still miss Josh beyond words-I always will-but life goes on and I have to move on with it.”

‘Nuff Said!

Hugs!

Sherri

The Divine Mercy

A friend shared this photo on Facebook today.  I found it so touching.  A short story with it talks about a conversation between this young man and Jesus.  Oh how I would love to have the same opportunity.

 

I have always had a dream that I would have a conversation with Jesus in a coffee house.

A coffee house? 

When I  was a young mom living abroad, I would often make a visit to one of the local family friendly bars for an afternoon latte.  While enjoying my infusion of caffeine, the bar owners would take over spoiling duties of Brittany and Stephi.  Candy, juice, hugs and songs...what's not to love?!  It was a moment of peace granted to a harried mother during a busy day centered around overly wired toddlers.

Once Britt started preschool,  the school she attended actually had a morning coffee bar for the parents.  What a great idea!  I got to know some great people sipping a latte while little Stephi cuddled on my lap skimming frothy milk from the top of my glass before toddling to join other little brothers and sisters playing nearby.

By the time Joshie was toddling about, we lived in Dublin, Ohio.  While the girls were off at school, Josh and I would meet friends at the local coffee houses.  Joshie was always ready to jump in his carseat for a coffee because he knew we were meeting another mom who would bring him a playmate.  What a great outing.....two or more moms sipping tea and coffee discussing life and figuring out some answers all the while our babes happily played nearby.

Coffee houses are full of great memories for me, and have become the place I associate friendship, a little peace from life's chaos, and sweet times with my kids.,,,,  The perfect place to meet Jesus.

How  do I imagine it would go?

First I would give him a hug and ask him about Josh.   "How is Josh?  Does he ask about us?  Can he see us?" I'm sure I would go on and on while a very patient Jesus would listen and respond thoughtfully. 

Then if I was able to keep my composure or continue to speak at all, I would ask the hard questions.... "Why am I here when Josh is not?"  Why was it necessary to take such a sweet child on the cusp of life?  Why did you allow epilepsy into our lives?"  I imagine he would take my hands in his or draw me near, his love filling the room.  After a teary conversation, I imagine I would contemplate his words and ask my final question.
 
Lord, my heart is broken but I am still breathing...please tell me why?   Please tell me your plan and what you want me to do with the time I am here for  I am yours.....

I know I would be so greatly humbled and feel so much love.  In my limited understanding, I wonder if I would be able to "get it."  I just don't see how I would be able to understand the infamous "big picture" given the loss we have felt these last two years, but I know somehow I would be much better off .

 
When our time to part drew near, I would hug him once again and make the same request that I make every night in my prayers... 

"Please give Josh a kiss and hug for me and let him know we love him!"
 

Hugs!
Sherri