The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Not Me!

When I was growing up, my brother and I would do all kinds of stupid kid things;  Soon after, mom would come in and ask, "Who did it?"  (Who left the toys out, forgot to close the front door letting all the animals run amok?)   We would both yell out “NOT ME!”   She would roll her eyes, and send us off to corral the wild animals ....an old barking Miniature Schnauzer, who loved to be scratched behind the ears, and two cats so vicious they were known to cuddle up to you and fall asleep.

When I had my own children, the accusations continued, but from a new source...the man who claimed he loved me!  “Who forgot to close the door?”  Not Me!, it must have been one of the kids.  “Who left their bowl in the sink?” Not Me! It must have been one of the kids.  Who left the oven turned on?  Not Me!  It must have been our 3 year old.  Ooops! Grrr, trick question....Ya caught me!

Who forgot to close the dryer so the baby couldn't play in it?  NOT ME!

Last year when he yelled, “Who forgot to turn off the hallway light?  You’re wastin’ resources!”   I responded, Not Me!  Must have been Stephi!



I just LOVE shoes!   I can hide toys in them,  or steal them.

The last several days Brad has been out of town, so it’s just been me, Stealth Kitty and Yankee.  It has been a bit of an awakening.  I came home from work, and found the closet door open, and the light on, leaving full shoes access to an ornery cat.  Can Stealth Kitty reach the light switch?  Nope.  Does he know how to open door knobs?  Still No!

The next morning, I went downstairs to my usual morning spot and found a cereal bowl with dried cereal crumbs laced around it.  I looked around….no kids, no Brad, Yankee doesn’t eat cereal. Who do I accuse, to whom do I deny?  Grrrr, I have to admit it, it’s me!

It’s hard for me to admit to these, and even harder to admit I'm missing my Newmanettes. 

Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing now that we’re Premature Empty Nesters, and I keep telling them, "I'm fine, I'm too busy to notice".  Am I one of those parents feeling a bit lost? NOT ME!  I  finally sat quietly for a few minutes back to back, and it didn’t take long for me to miss them like crazy!  I texted my sister of another mother and told her I needed a drink.  She immediately called and said, “I don’t want you to drink alone, so I’m having a drink with you” and we leaned on one another and our losses for a little while.  She is also an empty nester, and she is very much grieving the recent death of her beloved Professor Hottie, so she understands how I am very much grieving my Joshie, and the bittersweet joy of watching my girls on their life adventures!  After a little while, I felt much better!

My sisters of other mothers

The one thing I am learning in this journey, is life isn't for wussies, and I am so thankful  I have been given wonderful people in my life.  Even though I am obviously prideful, there is one thing I don’t mind denying. ...

Who is walking alone in life's journey?  NOT ME!

Yes, I have acknowledged some bad habits, but I don’t want to take away Brad’s reason for living, so I’m sure I will continue to  leave lights on, doors open, oven turned on, put ice cream in the fridge…shhhhh, sometimes I do it on purpose.     


 

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.  ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

HUGS,

Sherri

Light in their Eyes!

The house is so quiet.  The girls are at college, Brad is travelling for work;   His travel happened to be near Britt, and coincidentally?!  It was the weekend of the Tennessee/Oklahoma game at Oklahoma!

Let the trash talking begin! They were pretty civilized about it.  It didn't seem fair to me since I've been forced to relive U of Akron's defeat to Tennessee THIRTY YEARS AGO.  I just roll my eyes and tell him to Let it go already!!!   

His plan for this game was pretty diplomatic.  Support his beloved Vols while also being the supportive Dad…his chosen outfit?  Red OU shorts and a orange UT shirt.  BLAGHHHHH!  I cringe when I think of that combo.  I asked him to consider a white shirt with orange T on it, but he would hear nothing about it.

Game on!  I was sitting with friends christening a friend’s new patio/fire pit on a crisp and cool fall night, when the photos began to come my way.

I love this photo!  My first thought was, look how beautiful my oldest child has become.

 

Then the unexpected happened? I started getting photos from Stephi who was checking out the local sights around Wilmington.  She included this photo, and I thought, Oh my goodness, look how beautiful my second child has become.

 

 

They are both growing up, and it is my joy to watch them make their way.  They also have been working through their grief, and I love that there is a light in their eyes.  They both miss Josh so much, and there are some heartbreaking phone calls, but moments captured like these give me such Joy!

Oh by the way, Oklahoma whipped Tennessee’s butt…

The game of life is a lot like football.  You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.  ~ Lewis Grizzard

HUGS!

Sherri

 

Empty Nestin - Decorating

Decorating has been my distraction lately.  Now that the girls are off to college, I’m looking at their rooms with fresh eyes.  Since they took most of their stuff with them, I need to make their rooms cute again. 

Britt’s room was pretty easy,  all I had to do was walk around my house and grab a few things, such as the lovely bottles left to us by Brad’s grandmother, a huge starfish from a long ago Bahamas trip, some great seashells, and voila.  Beachy Bedroom!
 

  


Stephi’s room still has a lot of her stuff, but there are gaps.  I was sitting there when one of her garden photos grabbed my attention.  THAT’S IT!!  I'll use Stephi’s GARDEN PHOTOS! 

Stephi is a great amateur photographer with a great eye!  I love her work so much there are several on the walls throughout our house.  Here are two I want to put on her walls.

 
 
I kept walking by, and finally opened the door to Joshua’s room.  We’ve changed little things over the last 3 ½ years, but it's still Josh.   Since it is the largest kids bedroom, with a large bed, his room has always been our guest room.  That meant throwing Josh out from time to time, but he didn’t mind. 

These days, I keep wondering if we should leave it as the room of a "forever 12 year old boy", or update it a bit like we have updated the girls rooms. 

I would like to make it welcoming and peaceful, though I don’t know if that’s possible; The four of us are split on what to do.

 
I looked at Peyton Manning's jersey!  Josh was such a huge  Peyton Manning fan.  He wrote how happy he was to get to see Peyton and the Colts play the Washington Redskins. 

I’m so happy Josh and Brad had that night together!  When we lose a love one, we tend to hone in on regrets.  In this case, we got something right.

As it should, although I object at times, life has moved on around us, and so has Peyton who is now a Denver Bronco.  I changed Joshua's Colts bedspread right after his funeral, which was pretty traumatic for all of us.  Last week, I changed the window valance to match the bedding, which  I admit, brought on some anxiety on my part. 

After all of this, there was still one thing I just had to do!  Something was missing.….a Broncos banner.  I went online and ordered a pennant to go on the wall opposite of the Colts banner. 

Who knew how emotional it would be to fill these three rooms?!  Just yesterday, it seems,  I was getting after the Newmanettes to keep a path clear from bed to door. 

Oh how I miss the messes, the smells, and the sounds!
  
 I sat down on the edge of the bed after I tacked the banner on the wall, and found my eyes full of the tears I couldn't stop, but when they finally did stop, I stood up, put fresh sheets on the bed, and thanked God that there are three rooms that hold treasures and memories of my three children.


“A child enters your home and for the next twenty or so years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. Then the child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -- John Andrew Holmes

Hugs,

Sherri

Angelversary

It came, the day we were all dreading....the first Angelversary of Joshua's death.  It actually started about 10 days earlier when I felt those old feelings of forgetfulness, loss of appetite, I couldn't sleep, was listful, and felt just a general uneasiness.  I noticed my brood was behaving in a very similar matter.

I wasn't sure how Saturday would go since it was a year ago that I got up, baked some cinnamon rolls, tidied up the basement after the boys, and went to wake my child and found he was gone. I will always remember it as Saturday, a family day....he died on my watch.

Sunday came and I wasn't sure how it would go since Brad considers Joshua's Angelversary to be  November 20th which fell on a Sunday this year. He feels more towards the date than the day. I never thought about it before but  I imagine we are not the only ones who have such struggles with what should be the simplest thing to know...when someone you love died.

The four of us went to church together athough the girls chose to remain in the lounge area instead of entering the sanctuary..it's still really hard on them to enter the sanctuary where their brother's funeral was held.  I walked in to see the beautiful altar flowers that Brad dedicated to Joshua, and I opened the program, saw the words "flowers...in memory of Jo"  and slammed it shut.  I couldn't bear to read those words.

The service began and I realized our minister was remembering our sweet Joshua before the congregation.  As he spoke all I could do was nod in response since words were of no use and the tears flowed.  Then I noticed his voice caught and he took a few seconds to regain his composure.  I knew from talking with him and his lovely wife that Joshua's death and the circumstances of it were exceptionally hard for him even as a man of God.  He had walked into an ordinary house on an ordinary Saturday with all the smells of a ordinary day, and found complete chaos and despair as he was called to offer comfort to a family who had witnessed death claim their sweet 12 year old boy within the same house.  The experience remains with him, and I am touched by the catch!  I looked over to Brad who had dissolved into complete heartbreak.  What a surreal moment!  Someone wake me up from this nightmare!

The day was a blur as we greeted several friends after church, and took the  altar flowers to Joshua's grave.  It was such a peacful place, and the moment the lovely bouquet was next to his stone, I knew it was right.

Friends arrived early bearing dinner Sunday night.  A Jewish remembrance candle was lit by our dear friend Jerrold.  I feel honored that he would share a lovely tradition with us.

Glowing green balloons began to appear in the dark living room,  and all of a sudden, they began to arrive....  our friends and Joshua's friends.  Those who sat with us that very day a year ago, those who have called and cared for us over the last year, those who loved our little boy dearly were there.    The house was bursting yet they still came.  We thought maybe about 20 would come, but we were close to 70 snd I felt the love!

The moment arrived as we shared a few special thoughts along with a journal entry Josh wrote following the Colts vs Redskins game he went to  with his Dad October 2010.  He was such a Peyton Manning fan and was thrilled when he saw Peyton come out before the game to survey the crowd and field.  He  was 10 feet away from his idol.  He had a great time which was apparent as his journal entry ended with "I will never and I mean never ever forget that game.  It was an amazing experience for me.  I hope you can have one just as amazing as mine" and with that simple amazing moment in life, dozens of soft glowing balloons were launched into the nighttime sky.  How beautiful and peaceful.  A moment of peace!

The next morning when I woke up, I prepared for work and as soon as I put the car in reverse, the full rush of pain hit full force.  All the emotion I was able to suppress over the weekend had me by the heart and would not stop.  I pulled the car back into the driveway and cried a deep sorrow for my sweet ornery boy.  I cried for the last year, I cried for those who were touched by our sweet boy, I cried for the love I have felt over the last year, I cried for what should be, I cried because this is a terrible way to find out who your true friends are, I cried the cry of a mother who has lost her child.

Once the cloud of sadness began to roll away there was a quiet knock on the door.  I answered with full puffy eyes and saw a friend with  a knowing look on her face holding a cup of tea.  She walked in, looked at me and said, Someone told me you needed me..... 

How I am truly blessed.  Even in my darkness I am sent Love!

May you find peace and love even in the darkest night!

Hugs,
Sherri