Showing Grace When You Just Wanna Spit!

I came home from work this week to find Brad down right pissed off!  I was hoping it wasn’t aimed at me, when he pointed towards a letter on the counter.

It didn’t take long to figure out the source of his anger....There was a letter addressed to Joshua Newman from his former Neurologist announcing the doctor’s move to another practice.

The gist of the letter stated that if you wished to continue seeing him, his new contact information was included.

Heart stab with salt crusted knife!!!!!  My body went numb!

All that hard work was gone in an instant!  Just when I was getting to that point in healing where I was starting to forgive myself for the  “What Ifs,”  the things I wish I had done differently ( in my mind) that could have saved Josh, this stupid letter arrives.

One of the things  I listed in an earlier blog, http://thenewmans.blogspot.com/2012/04/sudep-what-i-wish-i-had-done.html "What I wish I had done differently" , alluded to the challenges of communication and disorganization with the doctor’s office.   We were only with this doctor for four months when Josh died.  During that time we struggled  with busy phones, scheduling challenges, etc.  which had led us to make some decisions I regret.  We knew this doctor’s reputation was great and we had great hope, but we were also looking around for other options. 

Fast forward 4 years  and we receive this letter.  I mean, seriously, how hard is it to update records?  Sweet Ornery  Boy  Deceased! 

How do you respond to such a thing?  I've learned my first thoughts are never the way to go, so I slept on it, and then responded.

Dear Dr. 

 
We received the announcement of your practice change this week.  You can imagine our surprise since our son Joshua, died from seizure in 2010.

It was really hard to receive this announcement as it meant our son's records were not updated to show his death in your office.

 I know he will always be in your heart, as you shared with us in the early weeks following his death, but we need his records to be updated and ensure we don't receive any future notifications like this.  It's just too hard.

We have walked the National Walk for Epilepsy every year since 2011....you should come. It's an amazing event and advocate for seizure awareness.

 

Best of luck with your new practice.

 

Regards,

 

In his response he apologized, blaming the error on the new group's administrators and he would try  to make sure, this never happens again.

It didn't give me great comfort nor did I feel confident that it wouldn't happen again.   It just reminded me once again, that no matter how much time goes on, my family's pain lies just beneath the surface and can show itself in full force in a second.  We need to prepare ourselves as much as we can.

I can't believe I did this, but I posted the incident on Facebook.  The response was swift, including offers to kick the doctor in the shins, offers to call his office (so sweet)  to make them aware and get the  issue fixed.  I so appreciated the love and support which helped me rediscover my grace, and helped me start to "get over it".

Four days later I was commissioned as a Congregational Care Minister to take care of those who need love and support during times of trial.  My emphasis will be holding the hands of the grieving.
Surrounded by friends, my name was called, and I knelled before the Minister and was anointed in Christ to serve others.  It felt like I had come full circle emotionally in a matter of days. 

It’s not a plan I would have chosen for myself, to be the mother of any angel, and I am obviously forever broken and vulnerable, but God’s grace and Love  was once again revealed and assures me that He will carry me even during tough moments.

What gives me the most hope every day is God's grace; knowing that his grace is going to give me the strength for whatever I face, knowing that nothing is a surprise to God.

Rick Warren

HUGS!
Sherri

Fortune Cookies and Beignets

How many fortune cookies are too much?  I'm mean, what’s the magic number we are allowed to eat in one sitting? It's part of my attempt to live life on the edge in 2015!   

I think I started it out right with a trip to New Orleans and Brittany's 21st birthday.  Yikes!  Where are those fortune cookies!

Earlier in the Fall, I talked Brad into a trip with the girls.   It's part of my personal goal which is to continue to do fun things as a family;  Not become that family that stares at each other 4-5 hours at Christmas and Easter.   After some pondering and visiting the piggy bank, we decided to go to the Big Easy.   Our goals were simple:  Warm weather, beignets, give Stephi a chance to hear some French Creole, and celebrate Brittany’s 21^st birthday.  

Flights and hotel were soon booked, so all we had to do was wait.

First came Thanksgiving, my most dreaded holiday since Joshua’s death in 2010.  Luckily,  the 3^rd Annual Joshua Newman 5K followed quickly.  This year we raised $9,000 for EMFIT Seizure monitors for those families unable to afford them.  The event is always so wonderful, and so bittersweet…I love the support, the kids, the families.   My heart still wishes I was home just chillin’ with Josh.   

We waited through December when the girls returned for Winter/Christmas Break.  Soon the house was brimming with tweeting, cell phone rings, and laughing  teens/twentysomethings ploppin’ down on the couch to watch Christmas movies.  We sang the familiar hymns by candlelight, zipped through Christmas, and brought the tree down a couple of days later as part of kitty proofing the house for our trip preparation.    

My birthday came along the way, so a group of soccer moms piled into a couple of vans and  hit the local karaoke bar where we sang loud and proud albeit slightly out of tune.  At the end of the evening I sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”  the unofficial love song between Brad and me, with my very own Pips, backing me up. 
 

New Year’s Eve came and went, then it was time to throw our suitcases in the taxi and head to the airport.   I gotta admit, when I was waiting for the trip to come, I never imagined this kind of wait after we boarded the plane.
Vacation begins. Jet Engine 1 not working; Back to gate. Engine fixed in 1 hour;
Pilot announces end of their shift; must bring on new crew -1 hour.
Crew not replaced, let us know they'll do their best to get us there safely even though they've been working since 8 am.....
Passenger freaks out. Doesn't want to die at the hands of tired pilots. Wait for someone to escort her to gate and must remove her luggage-1 hour. 3 hour delay in all. Come through lightening and high winds.
 I think the flight attendant said it best......
We're sorry for the long delays but really just glad we got here.

It was so worth the wait!

Just trying to teach my girl some real life skills.  Drink responsibly!

Love = Beignets!

Photo bombing Stephi's selfie at Jackson Square!

Birthday Balloons on Bourbon Street. Say it 5x fast!

Then just like that, everything we were waiting for was over. 

The girls left and it became waaayyyyy too quiet!  To stay busy and get into the spirit of the new year, I thought I would organize my whole house, work out 3 hours, diet and save money for 2015.  Instead I stayed in my pjs, binge watched Gilmore Girls, and ordered Chinese take out which brought me the fortune cookies I'm binging on, and some great insight to follow in the new year. 

I'm open to suggestions.....

• Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors.
• Two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday
• A new voyage will fill your life with untold memories. 

Here's to new adventures in 2015.

Hugs!

Sherri

Holiday Traditions-Who Needs Them?

Life observation for the week....all those years ya try to instill "holiday traditions" into your kids and it's like pulling teeth to get them to do it. Now they return home from college and are just all over ya with those same holidays traditions.....it's like pulling teeth to get me to do them. lol! ~Sherri

Christmas 2009

We are in the middle of the college invasion.  The girls are back home on Winter Break, and their friends are beginning to swoop down on the house.  Oh how I love these times!  The house has been so quiet with everyone gone in one way or another.  The only noise we hear is Stealth Kitty’s daily run through the house at lightening speed, and Yankee giving his one bark to remind us that we have left him outside longer than 2 minutes, and it’s time for his nap.

This has been a busy season for work.  I’ve travelled, and put in some serous overtime, which helps me not think about how we are now premature empty nesters, but it also limits my ability to  “make the house cozy."

Pretty much all the Christmas decorating I did this year was November 29th right after Joshua’s 5K when the girls were going on and on about Christmas “we do this and we do that,” so I went downstairs and dug out the 20 boxes full of Christmas Cheer, and pulled out......

1. One prelit Christmas tree which we decorated with White House Ornaments and red white and blue ornaments collected over the last 25 years.

2.  One beloved Nativity set we purchased during our time overseas when the Newmanettes were still debuting into this world

Photo taken by Josh

 

3.  One the Dickens Village we received as a wedding gift 23 years ago. 

4.  One stairwell garland.

A few tzatkes, and some candles.  It was enough for me to build up a sweat, so I feel good about my efforts.  I emptied about 6 of the 20 boxes and the other remain almost untouched.

The live tree didn’t happen this year, the Dining room was not transformed into the room of the Merry Feast;  The angel for the lawn remains in the basement, but luckily, Brad decorated the outside while I was gone and it looks nice and festive.

Who’s got the energy to do it all?  Who wants to? Josh was always after me during this time of year to bake cookies, decorate, put on the music.  Now that he's gone, there’s no youthful energy in the house, there’s a sadness even four years out that just settles on us and zaps our energy.  There are more times when we quietly wipe away tears since this is the time of year that families around us are bubbling over with sports award ceremonies, musical concerts, and family gatherings.  

It does help having the girls home.  I asked them what they wanted to do, and I expect their schedules to be full of friends, but they respond,  “Mom, we gotta make the cutout cookies,”  “Mom we gotta watch our Christmas movies,”  “Mom, when are we going out driving to look at the lights?” “Mom, we gotta go to Christmas Eve service,” 

Traditions are so very important to them!  They bring stability, remind them of happy times, and keeps our family close.  Oftentimes, the grief books suggest you change traditions.  Come up with new ones to help ease the pain of the holidays without your loved one, but we have found that any attempt to change our traditions, sends everyone into a frenzy; it’s the traditions we instilled into our family fabric that bring the strength and peace our family leans on to get through another season without Josh. 

It may take a jump start from my girls to get me going, but it’s an effort well worth it.

For those of you who have an empty stocking at the chimney; an empty chair at the table, and a hole in your heart this season, may your traditions and loved ones bring you peace and joy this Christmas Season.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  Luke 2:11

Hugs,

Sherri

Not Me!

When I was growing up, my brother and I would do all kinds of stupid kid things;  Soon after, mom would come in and ask, "Who did it?"  (Who left the toys out, forgot to close the front door letting all the animals run amok?)   We would both yell out “NOT ME!”   She would roll her eyes, and send us off to corral the wild animals ....an old barking Miniature Schnauzer, who loved to be scratched behind the ears, and two cats so vicious they were known to cuddle up to you and fall asleep.

When I had my own children, the accusations continued, but from a new source...the man who claimed he loved me!  “Who forgot to close the door?”  Not Me!, it must have been one of the kids.  “Who left their bowl in the sink?” Not Me! It must have been one of the kids.  Who left the oven turned on?  Not Me!  It must have been our 3 year old.  Ooops! Grrr, trick question....Ya caught me!

Who forgot to close the dryer so the baby couldn't play in it?  NOT ME!

Last year when he yelled, “Who forgot to turn off the hallway light?  You’re wastin’ resources!”   I responded, Not Me!  Must have been Stephi!



I just LOVE shoes!   I can hide toys in them,  or steal them.

The last several days Brad has been out of town, so it’s just been me, Stealth Kitty and Yankee.  It has been a bit of an awakening.  I came home from work, and found the closet door open, and the light on, leaving full shoes access to an ornery cat.  Can Stealth Kitty reach the light switch?  Nope.  Does he know how to open door knobs?  Still No!

The next morning, I went downstairs to my usual morning spot and found a cereal bowl with dried cereal crumbs laced around it.  I looked around….no kids, no Brad, Yankee doesn’t eat cereal. Who do I accuse, to whom do I deny?  Grrrr, I have to admit it, it’s me!

It’s hard for me to admit to these, and even harder to admit I'm missing my Newmanettes. 

Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing now that we’re Premature Empty Nesters, and I keep telling them, "I'm fine, I'm too busy to notice".  Am I one of those parents feeling a bit lost? NOT ME!  I  finally sat quietly for a few minutes back to back, and it didn’t take long for me to miss them like crazy!  I texted my sister of another mother and told her I needed a drink.  She immediately called and said, “I don’t want you to drink alone, so I’m having a drink with you” and we leaned on one another and our losses for a little while.  She is also an empty nester, and she is very much grieving the recent death of her beloved Professor Hottie, so she understands how I am very much grieving my Joshie, and the bittersweet joy of watching my girls on their life adventures!  After a little while, I felt much better!

My sisters of other mothers

The one thing I am learning in this journey, is life isn't for wussies, and I am so thankful  I have been given wonderful people in my life.  Even though I am obviously prideful, there is one thing I don’t mind denying. ...

Who is walking alone in life's journey?  NOT ME!

Yes, I have acknowledged some bad habits, but I don’t want to take away Brad’s reason for living, so I’m sure I will continue to  leave lights on, doors open, oven turned on, put ice cream in the fridge…shhhhh, sometimes I do it on purpose.     


 

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.  ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

HUGS,

Sherri

Happy Mother’s Day – It’s complicated

If you want me, I’ll be building a stone wall around my butterfly garden.  I’m really pretty proud of it; I’m building it myself!  That counts as exercise, right?  I know it's Mother’s Day and I‘m supposed to be pampered by my kids.…whatever!

My rock wall...in the works!

Ever since Josh died, I choose to spend this holiday close to home, usually piddling around my flower beds, and that’s ok.  I make no apologies for this. 
What will we do for lunch since I’m definitely not cooking?  TAKEOUT!  When Brad asked what we were doing for lunch?  Stephi giggled when she told him she promised to go pick up lunch for me. 



Phil Vassar singing "Carlene"

Yep, I have two wonderful daughters I love to hang out with, and we can get pretty silly together.  Just last week, Stephi and I flew out to be with Britt in Oklahoma.  We did some shoppin, lots of eating, and took a road trip to see my fave country singer Phil Vassar, in a concert in the middle of a field in rural Oklahoma. 

The best part came when the girls got to meet Phil;  It was true love for them!  Phil's music has brought so much joy to our lives, and now they know he’s a great guy too.  Sitting before the concert laughing with the girls, making new friends, and then jammin' to songs full of great memories, are my joys of motherhood.

Britt & Stephi meeting Phil

 



I cherish my girls and love them like crazy. They know that, and as sisters who lost their brother, they totally “get me”.  We just talked about it in Oklahoma, and they are cool with my Mother's Day choices.   They see me smiling and laughing with them when we're together, and that’s all they care about.



This is one of my new friends.  What a cutie!!!

 

 

Oh how I love making new memories with them!  I wish Josh was there, and he’s not.  At times, it makes me sad; at times it brings me to my knees.  I am so blessed to have loved someone so dearly that I still miss him like crazy 3 ½ years after his death.

So please make those reservations, fight the crowds for a great meal if you want, send flowers to your mom, and cherish them.  I will take mine at home and work on my wall….and probably get dragged out to the golf range because did I tell you?  I just started golf lessons.  More on that next time.

Wishing you a Heartfelt Happy Mother’s Day!

Hugs,

Sherri

The Dance

My college roommate's daughter, is now a married woman!  Wow!  The first wedding where I’m old enough to be the mother of the bride…. yikes....well....maybe a year too young since Gloria is a WHOLE YEAR older than me.

Sam and the Newmanettes on a roadtrip..notice how excited Josh is 
 

I’ve been a part of Sammy's life since before she was born.  In fact, I’m part of the reason she was born.  I introduced her parents when we were all in college, and the rest is history. 

Over the years there have been many adventures with Samantha including stints as our "summer nanny" before she went to college.  It wasn’t too much later after she started college that I started to hear about a guy….hmmmm! 

 

It took a while, but when I finally met Zach there was little doubt he was THE ONE, so it was no surprise when the magical proposal beneath Cinderella’s Castle appeared on my facebook page and I was on my way to Ohio for a July 6^th wedding. 

 

Samantha and Zach were married on the college campus where they met in a quaint white-washed chapel with all of us looking on.  I had the direct view of Sammy’s face during her vows and I just melted over how beautiful she was in that moment.

Zach and Samantha

The wedding  reception following the service included a “Longest Married” dance.  When the music started, Brad grabbed my hand and we were off.  I eyed the competition.....  I felt pretty confident we could take on Sam and Zach since they had been married about 60 minutes, but some of the others looked like they might have a little more of an edge…it looked like a nail biter.

Brad and I turned and turned as they went down the list….. “5 years, 10 years, 15 years”  at 20 years we started to sweat since the floor hadn’t really cleared out much.  I mean c’mon, we are very proud that we have managed to stay married for almost 22 years and in many circles that is quite an accomplishment, but not with this seasoned bunch.

Soon however, we were wallflowers on the sidelines as they hit 30 years, 40 years, 50…..  At 50 years there were still 4 couples twirling around.  They really were twirling too..no walkers, or canes to be found.  At 56 years there were 2, but ultimately, at 59 years there was only one couple left standing;  The wonderful parents of the special man in mother of the bride’s life.  We will call him Professor Hottie.

I have had the honor of spending some time with Professor Hottie’s parents in the last couple of years, and I am quite taken with their spirit.  They are the proud parents of six, who upon learning about Joshua's death, reached out to me and shared the story of how they held their 3 year old daughter in their arms as she took her last breath 50 years ago.  Their story came at the exact moment when I needed hope, and I am still so grateful they shared their story with me. 

Samantha and Brittany.  Height has its advantage when trying to catch the bouquet.
 

So, tonight watching them dance arm and arm smiling at one another, I got all warm and fuzzy.  I was reminded once again how lucky I am  to have a special someone who wants to share this dance with me.  While there is no doubt that either of us would have chosen the path our dance has taken in recent years with the death of our youngest child, we are both so thankful to those who have travelled through the twists and turns before us and offer their support.  Through their example of enduring love, we are learning to keep on dancing no matter what what life brings.  

Oh yea, there was another bright moment of hope in the evening when Britt caught the bouquet.  Could this be a peek into my future?  Britt, if you are reading this, THERE IS NO HURRY!

 

Sending my love to Zach and Samantha!

Hugs,

Sherri

My mind today

I have finally joined the data plan generation. 

First of all, thank you to all of you who worked out the kinks over the last few years.  My phone is awesome and I love it!  While it is sad to see my cute little red phone sitting there looking at me next to my humongous pink mini tablet, I know we have nothing but great memories together and are parting on great terms.  It will likely end up in hands of a serviceman abroad thanks to one of the great charities that send cellphones to soldiers to help them stay in touch with those they love.

Oh, btw….I wanted a red case, but they don’t have them yet, so I had to go with pink.

It has been a great distraction for me this week learning how to use my phone.  I am in desperate need of a vacation, as the stress knots in my shoulder keep telling me, so I stay distracted to pass the time until it happens.  To make matters more interesting, Stephi’s car refused to start while she was at the grocery store and I had to go pick her up, come home to figure out what to do, arrange roadside, wait 40 minutes, arrange towing, was forgotten by the tow, had to remind the towing company, and waited another 40 minutes while in the meantime running pup to the kennel since he’s not allowed at darling Sammy’s wedding this week in Ohio.

 

Notice I said Wedding….not a funeral, but an actual happy celebration!!! Bring it on!  I am so ready, I even got a new hair do and I am ready to dance the night away.

Would you look at that stunning white fluffy clouds in the clear blue sky?  Gorgeous!
 

The knot is still there…..OUCH!  Where is that cute phone that does everything?

Did you know you can tell my new phone to find all kinds of information and she will do it?  I may have gone too far when I told my pink phone I loved her.  She loves me too.  I think this is the start of a great friendship.
 

Towing fees, roadside fees, diagnostics fee. The electrician who’s supposed to rewire us a bit so we can keep the lights on when we blow dry our hair didn’t show up again…. Ugh, the knot is still there.  I went to the massage angel and she helped a bit, but it is a serious knot .

I have really missed my Joshie this week!  It has been a crazy mixed emotion week with laying his classmate Bennett to rest on Monday, and all the great happenings in the world of SUDEP.  Real SUDEP conferences, real SUDEP information, real support for the SUDEP cause!  I should be ecstatic and I truly am;  I just wish we were one of the families benefiting from SUDEP research, or tools such as EMFIT monitors.
 

That knot sure is deep.

I found Britt downstairs the other night looking through all photos and videos. She found some videos that have Josh talking in the background.  It was like uncovering a long lost treasure.  I wasn’t even looking at first; just heard that voice and in a split millisecond knew who it was.  My heart did a little flip and I was right back there with all three Newmanettes.
 

I was actually sitting there playing with my new phone and listening to his voice.  Now when I look at my phone I will associate it with his darling voice.  Oh and guess what is my first photo attachment.  A photo of all three Newmanettes!

Gotta love technology.  It allows a part of your past to bring you a smile in your present.


Now, where is my kindle?

Hugs!

 Sherri

1st Annual Joshua Newman 5K

After months of planning by so many wonderful people, the First Annual Joshua Newman 5K Run/Walk took place today.


Lining up at the Start Line

  The mood was festive with a twinge of sadness.  Noone could be more proud than I am of the group of volunteers who set up tables, manned water stations, cheered folks on, and set up.  The National Anthem was sung by our sweet neighbor who truly sounded like an angel.

Natalie & Jenna - Joshua's classmates

We welcomed Team Jeff....those who loved Jeff Beaupre, a 40 year old father of two lost to SUDEP in February 2012. Jeff's wife helped us introduce Lucas, an adorable four year old who is this year's first recipient of an Emfit Seizure monitor system from this year's  5k proceeds. 

Joshua's friend, John, read Joshua's bio which was heart warming, and then it was time for us to speak...my heart was racing, and my voice faltered at times, but we made it through. 

Here are the highlights of our words, along with some photos of this incredible event in Joshua's memory.

"We would like to thank

·  Danny Did Foundation

 · The Joshua Newman 5K Planning Committee

Thank you all for your endless energy, and open arms.When Josh died, we were afraid for a little while that people would forget Josh.  You all have made us realize that could never happen, and have helped us try to turn heartbreak into something good.  Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and unending support. 



Today we are here to celebrate a sweet and ornery boy who touched our lives to the very core. His death brought epilepsy to the forefront, and made us hug our kids and each other more tightly.



We know Joshua “never knew a stranger” and we are in awe at how many lives he touched in his short but so colorful life!

Thanks to your overwhelming response we would like to introduce you to the first recipient of seizure equipment from today’s proceeds, and to help us do this, I’d like to invite Allison Austin (wife of Jeff Beaupre)to the front."

Hugs were given throughout the course as we chatted and walked with our friends and family. 

The perfect balloon art....an angel!

In the end, hearts were warm even though fingers and toes were freezing.  Lots of Josh stories were shared.... it was just so great to talk about Joshie again.  Oh, how I miss the boy!

Hugs,
Sherri