The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

I need a Silent Night

 We really made an effort for Christmas this year.   We threw ourselves into the preparations for our first hosted Holiday Party, we dusted off decorations and lights we hadn’t used since Josh died 6 Christmases ago, and we went out and picked up some new ones because we wanted to "Go Big".  We wrapped this house in 'Merry' front to back in and out; even the commodes were decorated.

Either I’m getting old, or I have a lot of stuff because it took quite a while to get it all done.  Mom said it was because I didn’t have my little helpers.  That was probably true…we were planning a party and our kids weren’t a part of it.  How very empty nester of us.

A couple of weeks later, the house filled with friends, music blared, delicious smells of food filled the air, and Stephi walked in with stealth kitty.  Yay!  Bonus! 

Everyone was having a wonderful time, and the last one was out the door at 2 am.  Good thing since I had to be at church to sing the Christmas Cantat 5 hours later.  Who needs sleep?

Choirs were a centerpiece of my world that slipped away as the children arrived and their care took priority.  As part of the throwing myself into the season, I joined not 1 but 2 choirs!   My big plan worked, I was a busy girl with no time to think!

Our choir sang the cantata three times, and though I was wiped out, I jumped at the chance when  Stephi came running down the aisle.  “Mom, that was so good, let’s go celebrate!” This is one of those times where you thank God that your child wants to spend time with you, and you’re very thankful that God also provided caffeine!

Britt arrived on Sunday with her hissing cat…such a friendly guy.  It felt like our very own partridge in a pear tree.  Two hissing cats, one barking dog, and a Christmas tree that miraculously remained intact.

Britt was rushing in so we could see the Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith Holiday concert. Anyone who knows the history of contemporary Christian knows that Amy and Michael are the founders of this.  As a college student, I remember actually thinking the church cared because they were welcoming the music I could relate to.
 
These two musicians love the Lord, have a lion share of musical talents and lets face it, in this time of terrorism and fear, it was a welcomed change to hear heartfelt chords for Christ. 

During a part of their concerts, I swear I could hear the heavens sing a joyous song.  I felt a connection with Josh and tears streamed down my face not only for the beauty of the sound, but the joy that Josh was surrounded by love and beauty and I missed him dearly.  This feeling was captured in a tear.

On Christmas Eve, I was back up in the choir loft making my own joyful noise with both girls next to me.  They were recruited to join the Contemporary choir by my charming ways “C’mon and do this, it will be fun”.   Snagged them!

Silent Night by candlelight made the sanctuary glow in white.  It was gorgeous and those tears that hold every emotion, sat in the corner of my eyes.

Christmas brought fun gifts…the psycho dog discovered tissue paper is cool to shred, all bows had been mysteriously separated from their gifts, and two cats looked on with a glint of guilt.  They were both so curious.  Here’s the moment Britt captured on camera because she thought it look exactly like the photo on the left.  What do you think?

 It was a good Christmas.  We felt the Joy of the Season for the first time in 6 Christmases.  There was only one thing that was missing...Josh!  His stocking may have been empty of stuff, but it was still part of our season, just as Josh always will be. 

Hugs!
Sherri

BINGO

I just got back from my annual scrapbooking retreat with friends.   GNO (Girls Night Out) on steroids!!!!  It’s always such a great time away from the daily grind while we actually do some work.

Our cropping group

I’ve been scrapbooking for a REALLY long time!  When Mom handed me the  “take your old stuff from the basement box,” there was an old scrapbook filled with photos and autographs of The Osmonds from  “back in the day”.  I was framing photos of fun places with colored paper and stickers in a three ring binder  way ahead of the crowd, so it was a natural fit for me to teach scrapbooking to earn a little extra income (and fuel my habit) during my SAH days with the Newmanettes. 

A photo of Josh from his book

Baby books, family adventure books, Christmas books were strewn around the house almost as often as Legos and Barbies!   Josh was the biggest photo lover, always pulling down his baby books and leaving them out across the floor in his room or playroom.    When he died, it was those same albums  family and friends quietly took from the shelves and passed around to remember our sweet and ornery boy.



Sweet sweet Erika

Busy at work!

The scrapbooking retreat was only 5 months after Josh died, and I wasn’t sure I could go, but my best buddy Erika convinced me to keep going.  She was fighting cancer, and if she could go with her bald head and chemo bag, I could go with my box of tissues and broken heart.  She pulled me close and promised she would take care of me that weekend.  After losing her to cancer in 2013, that promise was even more meaningful to me.    



80+ women attend this retreat and go downtown to a local pub for Friday dinner.  That first year I found myself on the end of the table with an empty chair next to me.  Cue massive sweating and anxiety over just the thought that a stranger would sit down next to me and ask that dreaded question “how many children do you have ?”  I will always have three children, and I will always say it proudly…it’s the followup questions I dread.   So,  I decided to take the avoidance route by eating in with a small group of friends who know my story.  It’s an angel mom’s take on “choose your battles”.

My avoidance strategy has been working pretty well for the couple of years but then the group organizers decided  we needed to play ice breaker BINGO. Sigh….  I looked over the sheet and it looked simple enough, There was the “sang in choir” , studied abroad, studied a language, etc, and then there it was  “Has three children or more”……If someone used a hot poker to poke my eyes out, it would  feel better than what I’m feeling, I’m sure.

So I stayed back from the group a bit.  Slowly they came by, “Which box can you sign?”  I was safe for a while because I had a couple of choices.  "Yes, I sang in choir, Yes, I studied abroad, Yes, I can line dance".

I was slowly building up the courage to participate when the mom of one of Joshua’s friends came up to me and said “Would you sign my box for Has three children or more?  You have three children”.  I looked at her with a grateful heart and said “thank you so much for remembering” as I proudly signed my name. 

I LOVE this event! Once a year I get to openly talk about Joshua without judgement or pity.  Once a year I am on equal footing with the other mothers around me, as we laugh and laugh even more over the wonderful  memories we put in our books.

"As long as we have memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, today is beautiful."~ Author Unknown

HUGS!
Sherri

Showing Grace When You Just Wanna Spit!

I came home from work this week to find Brad down right pissed off!  I was hoping it wasn’t aimed at me, when he pointed towards a letter on the counter.

It didn’t take long to figure out the source of his anger....There was a letter addressed to Joshua Newman from his former Neurologist announcing the doctor’s move to another practice.

The gist of the letter stated that if you wished to continue seeing him, his new contact information was included.

Heart stab with salt crusted knife!!!!!  My body went numb!

All that hard work was gone in an instant!  Just when I was getting to that point in healing where I was starting to forgive myself for the  “What Ifs,”  the things I wish I had done differently ( in my mind) that could have saved Josh, this stupid letter arrives.

One of the things  I listed in an earlier blog, http://thenewmans.blogspot.com/2012/04/sudep-what-i-wish-i-had-done.html "What I wish I had done differently" , alluded to the challenges of communication and disorganization with the doctor’s office.   We were only with this doctor for four months when Josh died.  During that time we struggled  with busy phones, scheduling challenges, etc.  which had led us to make some decisions I regret.  We knew this doctor’s reputation was great and we had great hope, but we were also looking around for other options. 

Fast forward 4 years  and we receive this letter.  I mean, seriously, how hard is it to update records?  Sweet Ornery  Boy  Deceased! 

How do you respond to such a thing?  I've learned my first thoughts are never the way to go, so I slept on it, and then responded.

Dear Dr. 

 
We received the announcement of your practice change this week.  You can imagine our surprise since our son Joshua, died from seizure in 2010.

It was really hard to receive this announcement as it meant our son's records were not updated to show his death in your office.

 I know he will always be in your heart, as you shared with us in the early weeks following his death, but we need his records to be updated and ensure we don't receive any future notifications like this.  It's just too hard.

We have walked the National Walk for Epilepsy every year since 2011....you should come. It's an amazing event and advocate for seizure awareness.

 

Best of luck with your new practice.

 

Regards,

 

In his response he apologized, blaming the error on the new group's administrators and he would try  to make sure, this never happens again.

It didn't give me great comfort nor did I feel confident that it wouldn't happen again.   It just reminded me once again, that no matter how much time goes on, my family's pain lies just beneath the surface and can show itself in full force in a second.  We need to prepare ourselves as much as we can.

I can't believe I did this, but I posted the incident on Facebook.  The response was swift, including offers to kick the doctor in the shins, offers to call his office (so sweet)  to make them aware and get the  issue fixed.  I so appreciated the love and support which helped me rediscover my grace, and helped me start to "get over it".

Four days later I was commissioned as a Congregational Care Minister to take care of those who need love and support during times of trial.  My emphasis will be holding the hands of the grieving.
Surrounded by friends, my name was called, and I knelled before the Minister and was anointed in Christ to serve others.  It felt like I had come full circle emotionally in a matter of days. 

It’s not a plan I would have chosen for myself, to be the mother of any angel, and I am obviously forever broken and vulnerable, but God’s grace and Love  was once again revealed and assures me that He will carry me even during tough moments.

What gives me the most hope every day is God's grace; knowing that his grace is going to give me the strength for whatever I face, knowing that nothing is a surprise to God.

Rick Warren

HUGS!
Sherri

Fortune Cookies and Beignets

How many fortune cookies are too much?  I'm mean, what’s the magic number we are allowed to eat in one sitting? It's part of my attempt to live life on the edge in 2015!   

I think I started it out right with a trip to New Orleans and Brittany's 21st birthday.  Yikes!  Where are those fortune cookies!

Earlier in the Fall, I talked Brad into a trip with the girls.   It's part of my personal goal which is to continue to do fun things as a family;  Not become that family that stares at each other 4-5 hours at Christmas and Easter.   After some pondering and visiting the piggy bank, we decided to go to the Big Easy.   Our goals were simple:  Warm weather, beignets, give Stephi a chance to hear some French Creole, and celebrate Brittany’s 21^st birthday.  

Flights and hotel were soon booked, so all we had to do was wait.

First came Thanksgiving, my most dreaded holiday since Joshua’s death in 2010.  Luckily,  the 3^rd Annual Joshua Newman 5K followed quickly.  This year we raised $9,000 for EMFIT Seizure monitors for those families unable to afford them.  The event is always so wonderful, and so bittersweet…I love the support, the kids, the families.   My heart still wishes I was home just chillin’ with Josh.   

We waited through December when the girls returned for Winter/Christmas Break.  Soon the house was brimming with tweeting, cell phone rings, and laughing  teens/twentysomethings ploppin’ down on the couch to watch Christmas movies.  We sang the familiar hymns by candlelight, zipped through Christmas, and brought the tree down a couple of days later as part of kitty proofing the house for our trip preparation.    

My birthday came along the way, so a group of soccer moms piled into a couple of vans and  hit the local karaoke bar where we sang loud and proud albeit slightly out of tune.  At the end of the evening I sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”  the unofficial love song between Brad and me, with my very own Pips, backing me up. 
 

New Year’s Eve came and went, then it was time to throw our suitcases in the taxi and head to the airport.   I gotta admit, when I was waiting for the trip to come, I never imagined this kind of wait after we boarded the plane.
Vacation begins. Jet Engine 1 not working; Back to gate. Engine fixed in 1 hour;
Pilot announces end of their shift; must bring on new crew -1 hour.
Crew not replaced, let us know they'll do their best to get us there safely even though they've been working since 8 am.....
Passenger freaks out. Doesn't want to die at the hands of tired pilots. Wait for someone to escort her to gate and must remove her luggage-1 hour. 3 hour delay in all. Come through lightening and high winds.
 I think the flight attendant said it best......
We're sorry for the long delays but really just glad we got here.

It was so worth the wait!

Just trying to teach my girl some real life skills.  Drink responsibly!

Love = Beignets!

Photo bombing Stephi's selfie at Jackson Square!

Birthday Balloons on Bourbon Street. Say it 5x fast!

Then just like that, everything we were waiting for was over. 

The girls left and it became waaayyyyy too quiet!  To stay busy and get into the spirit of the new year, I thought I would organize my whole house, work out 3 hours, diet and save money for 2015.  Instead I stayed in my pjs, binge watched Gilmore Girls, and ordered Chinese take out which brought me the fortune cookies I'm binging on, and some great insight to follow in the new year. 

I'm open to suggestions.....

• Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors.
• Two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday
• A new voyage will fill your life with untold memories. 

Here's to new adventures in 2015.

Hugs!

Sherri

Holiday Traditions-Who Needs Them?

Life observation for the week....all those years ya try to instill "holiday traditions" into your kids and it's like pulling teeth to get them to do it. Now they return home from college and are just all over ya with those same holidays traditions.....it's like pulling teeth to get me to do them. lol! ~Sherri

Christmas 2009

We are in the middle of the college invasion.  The girls are back home on Winter Break, and their friends are beginning to swoop down on the house.  Oh how I love these times!  The house has been so quiet with everyone gone in one way or another.  The only noise we hear is Stealth Kitty’s daily run through the house at lightening speed, and Yankee giving his one bark to remind us that we have left him outside longer than 2 minutes, and it’s time for his nap.

This has been a busy season for work.  I’ve travelled, and put in some serous overtime, which helps me not think about how we are now premature empty nesters, but it also limits my ability to  “make the house cozy."

Pretty much all the Christmas decorating I did this year was November 29th right after Joshua’s 5K when the girls were going on and on about Christmas “we do this and we do that,” so I went downstairs and dug out the 20 boxes full of Christmas Cheer, and pulled out......

1. One prelit Christmas tree which we decorated with White House Ornaments and red white and blue ornaments collected over the last 25 years.

2.  One beloved Nativity set we purchased during our time overseas when the Newmanettes were still debuting into this world

Photo taken by Josh

 

3.  One the Dickens Village we received as a wedding gift 23 years ago. 

4.  One stairwell garland.

A few tzatkes, and some candles.  It was enough for me to build up a sweat, so I feel good about my efforts.  I emptied about 6 of the 20 boxes and the other remain almost untouched.

The live tree didn’t happen this year, the Dining room was not transformed into the room of the Merry Feast;  The angel for the lawn remains in the basement, but luckily, Brad decorated the outside while I was gone and it looks nice and festive.

Who’s got the energy to do it all?  Who wants to? Josh was always after me during this time of year to bake cookies, decorate, put on the music.  Now that he's gone, there’s no youthful energy in the house, there’s a sadness even four years out that just settles on us and zaps our energy.  There are more times when we quietly wipe away tears since this is the time of year that families around us are bubbling over with sports award ceremonies, musical concerts, and family gatherings.  

It does help having the girls home.  I asked them what they wanted to do, and I expect their schedules to be full of friends, but they respond,  “Mom, we gotta make the cutout cookies,”  “Mom we gotta watch our Christmas movies,”  “Mom, when are we going out driving to look at the lights?” “Mom, we gotta go to Christmas Eve service,” 

Traditions are so very important to them!  They bring stability, remind them of happy times, and keeps our family close.  Oftentimes, the grief books suggest you change traditions.  Come up with new ones to help ease the pain of the holidays without your loved one, but we have found that any attempt to change our traditions, sends everyone into a frenzy; it’s the traditions we instilled into our family fabric that bring the strength and peace our family leans on to get through another season without Josh. 

It may take a jump start from my girls to get me going, but it’s an effort well worth it.

For those of you who have an empty stocking at the chimney; an empty chair at the table, and a hole in your heart this season, may your traditions and loved ones bring you peace and joy this Christmas Season.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  Luke 2:11

Hugs,

Sherri

Drinking Naked

Brad and I are trying to approach this Premature Empty Nesting with an open mind.  Last Spring I took golf lessons so I could join him on the golf course.  So far, we have been hitting some of the local PAR 3 “easy” courses as I learn the game.  Our approaches are very different, but it works for us.  Brad is very strategic with his range distant tools and relies on the perfect club, with the perfect form.  Me?  I usually go like this…. driver, 7, 9, chipper, putter.  Distance is not a factor.  If I change it up, it's because I get bored using the same ones over and over again.  A Par 3 means you are supposed to hit the ball into the hole in 3 hits, so I’m averaging 7 hits per hole and I'm ok with that.  Now, where’s the beer boy?  Maybe that will help my game.

My promising golf career was temporarily sidelined two weeks ago after  I did my usual awesome and powerful swing directly into the hard ground.   The golf club bent back, and so did my thumb.  When I  heard a “crack” and felt instant pain, I knew I was in trouble.  I whined for the last three holes, and Brad did his best to distract me with his offers to stomp on my foot to help take my mind off my thumb.  Thanks honey!

 There have been some good things brought about from my injury.  It has definitely given me the respect of  the “good ole boys club” at work.  “Could you open this water bottle for me?  I have a golf injury”  as I point to my thumb.  “Could you please repeat? I can’t write very well because of my golf injury”.  Dang, and all this time, I thought it took short skirts and high shoes to get their attention.  Ladies, we have it all wrong.  Who knew?!

Golf is out for now, but the weather is still awesome so Brad and I  had to find something else to do while my golf injury heals. 

We live less than an hour away from the Shenandoah Valley, so when Brad came up with the suggestion of heading out to the infamous Skyline Drive to see the fall color, I was jumping in that passenger seat.  The day showed great promise until we discovered 5 miles of cars filled with folks also waiting to get on Skyline.  It quickly became apparent Brad was losing his patience, and looking for other options. 

What to do?   Oh genie in the phone, please help me!  My wonderful smart phone suggested we Drink Naked! I made the suggestion to Brad, and he couldn’t turn the car around fast enough.  A few moments down a beautiful country windy road lined with beautiful yellow and reds, and we turned into Naked Mountain Winery.

 

 

At first, we noticed all the young people, young groups, couples, families, then as neared the tasting bar, we noticed  the couples like us.  Couples making memories now that the kiddos are out of the house.  We probably looked just as normal to them as they did to us, but I can tell you, we are not liking this next chapter at all.  In fact, I’d say we have regressed in our grief of losing Josh, and now both girls are on their own.  We just suck it up, and try to make the best of it. 

After Drinking Naked, we walked back to the car hand and hand, and took the long picturesque way home winding through the plantations, horse farms and majestic color. The colors were magical.   This journey has  shown  me  that life isn’t easy, and to make it through, you need to remain open minded and see how life unfolds.  You may have a plan, but it may be Plan B that takes over.

As if on cue, Stephi texted and wanted to know what we did all day.  My response? “We drank naked today”.   My daughter knows humor is how I cope, and I’m sure her eyes were rolling, but it made her smile, and hearing from her made me smile too!

 Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.  ~Unknown

 May you find beauty in every challenge!

Hugs!

Sherri