The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

Up, Up and Away

I'm trying to find my way through this angel mom, empty nester thing, and keep the romance alive with my mountain man.  All need attention, and a little creativity doesn’t hurt either.

Last November, as I was scanning Groupon for anniversary gift ideas, I jumped on board the hot air balloon adventure and purchased a trip for two, placed the photo in the anniversary card to Brad, patting myself on the back thinkin’ I was pretty darn creative and thoughtful.

Brad’s response…He was a happy boy!

Winter came and went, and then it was time for our balloon adventure, so we jumped in the car for our 2 hour drive through God’s Country, aka The Shenandoah Valley! 

We were a bit hungry on the way, so we stopped for some great pizza in a college town dive. Wow, I was so shocked to realize I recognized most of the songs playing. That’s how you can tell  how cool you are when you know the music of a college town. (I can hear my daughters rolling their eyes saying “whatever you want to believe, Mom”).

Soon, we were sitting behind two jacked-up pickup trucks that sped away and left us in their black exhaust fumes at each traffic light.  Pretty sure they weren’t concerned about their gas mileage, and when the smoke cleared, we found ourselves at the high school field where our valiant captain and his colorful balloon awaited. 

Filling up the Balloon

 The sky was glorious, but winds were gusting a bit, so we weren’t sure if it would happen or not.  The balloon began to fill, and we jumped into the basket eagerly anticipating our ascent when, KERPLUMP….the basket was blown to its side;  I was not on the best side of the basket as I found myself lying on the ground looking directly up at my 275 lb. mountain man who was bracing himself above me so as not to crush every bone in my body.

Fortunately, the pilot’s twin brother rushed to our aid, right-sided the basket, and we exited the basket to wait out the wind.

When it looked like it might not happen due to wind, I admit I sent a prayer to God asking him to take away the wind.  I knew it wouldn’t have importance over other prayers for strength in hard times, feed my children or the “thy will be done” prayers, but we know God also loves to show us amazing things, so it was worth a prayer!

In this case, He stopped the wind; we jumped in the basket and ascended into the most gorgeous sunset that had us in awe of His wonder.  The quilt of farmers’ fields set against an orange and pink sky setting behind the Blue Mountains.

We were flying low enough to make out people and animals below us.  The horses weren’t too keen on us…apparently, the hot air heater scared them, but the cows sure were curious.  The herd below stopped grazing, came together like synchronized swimmers as they turned and followed us the entire pasture and lined up against the fence to watch us.

Synchronized Cow Racing

Our time with the birds was coming to an end and we began to search for a clear field that hadn't laid manure yet.

God's color palette

Finally, we found the perfect field as our pilot brought us in for our landing.  The basket jumped a few times before falling to its side.  You  guessed it!  I was on the bottom and that big mountain man was on top trying to not to crush me again. 

This time, the twin brother was enroute and not yet on sight, so we had to improvise. When the pilot said “go ahead and pull yourself out”, I grabbed the sides of the basket and quickly pulled myself out.  I heard the “sighs/gasps” of the other passengers, but didn’t know why until I was on my feet.

I SET THE BALLOON ON FIRE!

Burnt and crunchy on the right side

Apparently, in all the confusion of the landing, the pilot forgot to turn off the propane, and as I pulled myself out, my head hit the trigger shooting flames into the deflating side of the balloon.

A few seconds later, the pilot jumped out and stamped out the embers.  I was absolutely mortified!  The burns on the balloon were pretty obvious, but the pilot assured me it was an easy fix…he knew a guy.

Soon, the Calvary rolled in on horseback, tractor, trucks and bikes.  30 Mennonite families saw where we landed and came over to see the balloon.  They were so kind and gracious, though they did smile a bit when they heard about my fire incident.  When the crew arrived to retrieve the balloon and passengers, the local men helped the crew return the crackly balloon and it’s basket into the trailer, said their goodbyes and we all jumped into the truck and returned to the high school for a toast of thanks!  We survived!

Brad could see my guilt from my clumsiness showing itself once again, and took me to a local custard stand to bury myself in custard.

That did it!  I was cured!

As we rode home, I couldn’t help but feel happy. 

Happy the soul that has been awed by a view of God’s majesty.

~ A. W. Pink

HUGS!
Sherri

Leap of Faith?

We would like you to consider going overseas…..

I sat there looking at my managers and I was so flustered.  I didn't know how to respond.  I was flattered, but absolutely terrified…..  I did not see this coming, but then again, since Josh died I tend to stay in the moment and not look ahead.  It's been this way....inching along with life, since that black day in 2010;  Slowly getting back into the game of life, but this would be more like a leap! 

I’ve been working my butt off at work to avoid thinking about what I’ve lost (Joshua) and where I am (Empty Nester), and somehow someone took this as commitment and passion.  Wow, I guess the mask I wear hides it well.   

What does Brad think?  The man has mentally packed his bags, including his golf clubs, and is ready to go.  I was always happy to follow him…and now apparently he’s willing to follow me. 

Me? My thoughts are all over the place……How do I leave my Joshie?  Yes, he has gained his wings and doesn’t need me anymore, but even knowing that doesn’t take away my mama bear need to protect him and be near his resting place.  

How do I leave my girls?  Never mind that they are grown up.  They just need me to touch base from time to time and they're fine with text, phone or video chat.  But my heart still asks “Where will the girls spend their holidays, summers and breaks?”   I needed to know, so I asked them.  They both instantly perked up and told me they would jump on an airplane to come to me.  I guess this is nothing new to them. 

Friends and family?  The friends I have at this point in my life will follow me to the ends of the earth, and we’ll be sure to post those adventures on Facebook!

 

Once upon a time I loved adventure, I loved sights and sounds, I loved people watching, and I loved.  I also loved having my kids with me and raising them wherever life took us.  No matter where home was, I had them with me.  Then Josh died, the girls left one by one for college, and it was back to Brad and me. 

So what’s really at the heart of the matter???  If I do this, I will have to pack Joshua’s room and pack up the girls’ rooms;   I hoped I could put that off another decade or so.    Arrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!   I'm also not so sure how I feel about trying to enjoy life and dream again.   After losing Josh this seemed impossible.

So much to consider.  Fortunately, we are just at the beginning of this and I have some time to keep tossing and turning.  

Here is the test to find whether your purpose on earth is finished:   If you're alive, it isn't.
-Richard Bach

HUGS!
Sherri

BINGO

I just got back from my annual scrapbooking retreat with friends.   GNO (Girls Night Out) on steroids!!!!  It’s always such a great time away from the daily grind while we actually do some work.

Our cropping group

I’ve been scrapbooking for a REALLY long time!  When Mom handed me the  “take your old stuff from the basement box,” there was an old scrapbook filled with photos and autographs of The Osmonds from  “back in the day”.  I was framing photos of fun places with colored paper and stickers in a three ring binder  way ahead of the crowd, so it was a natural fit for me to teach scrapbooking to earn a little extra income (and fuel my habit) during my SAH days with the Newmanettes. 

A photo of Josh from his book

Baby books, family adventure books, Christmas books were strewn around the house almost as often as Legos and Barbies!   Josh was the biggest photo lover, always pulling down his baby books and leaving them out across the floor in his room or playroom.    When he died, it was those same albums  family and friends quietly took from the shelves and passed around to remember our sweet and ornery boy.



Sweet sweet Erika

Busy at work!

The scrapbooking retreat was only 5 months after Josh died, and I wasn’t sure I could go, but my best buddy Erika convinced me to keep going.  She was fighting cancer, and if she could go with her bald head and chemo bag, I could go with my box of tissues and broken heart.  She pulled me close and promised she would take care of me that weekend.  After losing her to cancer in 2013, that promise was even more meaningful to me.    



80+ women attend this retreat and go downtown to a local pub for Friday dinner.  That first year I found myself on the end of the table with an empty chair next to me.  Cue massive sweating and anxiety over just the thought that a stranger would sit down next to me and ask that dreaded question “how many children do you have ?”  I will always have three children, and I will always say it proudly…it’s the followup questions I dread.   So,  I decided to take the avoidance route by eating in with a small group of friends who know my story.  It’s an angel mom’s take on “choose your battles”.

My avoidance strategy has been working pretty well for the couple of years but then the group organizers decided  we needed to play ice breaker BINGO. Sigh….  I looked over the sheet and it looked simple enough, There was the “sang in choir” , studied abroad, studied a language, etc, and then there it was  “Has three children or more”……If someone used a hot poker to poke my eyes out, it would  feel better than what I’m feeling, I’m sure.

So I stayed back from the group a bit.  Slowly they came by, “Which box can you sign?”  I was safe for a while because I had a couple of choices.  "Yes, I sang in choir, Yes, I studied abroad, Yes, I can line dance".

I was slowly building up the courage to participate when the mom of one of Joshua’s friends came up to me and said “Would you sign my box for Has three children or more?  You have three children”.  I looked at her with a grateful heart and said “thank you so much for remembering” as I proudly signed my name. 

I LOVE this event! Once a year I get to openly talk about Joshua without judgement or pity.  Once a year I am on equal footing with the other mothers around me, as we laugh and laugh even more over the wonderful  memories we put in our books.

"As long as we have memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, today is beautiful."~ Author Unknown

HUGS!
Sherri

Making friends is tough!

Stephi came home for the long weekend.  I had no idea she was coming home so it was extra nice!

I was laying across her bed catching up as she unpacked and peppering her with the usual questions

• How are classes going? Great, except Math…..I need to learn to translate Chinglish.
• Are you discovering places around college? No mom.  I prefer hanging with my roomie or the quiet of my room.
• What do you do for fun?  Not much. Video games, Netflix binging Gilmore Girls and Ally McBeal.  Sometimes I walk the beach alone.

This stops me in my tracks and my brain is screaming   Noooooo!  Not that I don't appreciate binge watching Gilmore Girls or Ally McBeal.

A day at the beach. Stephi & Josh

After prodding a bit more it came out.  She doesn’t like to make new friends because she doesn’t want to tell them that her brother is dead.

Hands to the sky.  Whhhhhyyyyyy Myyyy Chilllldddd?

My next thought was maybe this would be a good time to become a helicopter parent and make her life easier.

The Newmanettes

Of course, who am I kiddin'?  I haven’t exactly been a great model myself.  I admit I’ve avoided situations that mean I have to answer the "How many kids do you have?" question. 
There was that time during my annual scrapbooking retreat a couple of years ago, where I went into town for dinner with some of the ladies and suddenly realized there was an empty seat next to me.  My heart raced, my hands sweated as I thought about the possibility of someone sitting there and innocently asking me about my children.  Since then, I’ve opted for pizza delivery with friends who were at my side in 2010.

And I should expect better from a shy teenage girl?   This is so unfair!  She was so young and has seen so much ugly already.  She did nothing to deserve this!

I have no doubt God will use her to do amazing things down the road of her life, but right now she’s in the slow cooking character forming part of life, and it’s so hard to watch.

Britt & Friends at Texas State Fair

Dear God… it’s one thing to put me through this horrible experience, but why must my children go through it during a time that's supposed to be so much fun?

I do find hope when I look at Brittany’s early college days.   Her early days were eerily parallel to Stephi’s until God sent some special people to her life who had similar experiences to her own.  She now has a core group of great friends who know the boy in the photos, and the sadness she struggles with every November.  The core group shows up in her Facebook photos at football games, Texas State Fair, birthday parties, and even bison watching.

Road trip to see Britt = Phil Vassar concert in a field

I’m prayin’ hard for Stephi!  I trust her with my whole heart, and I know I am not a helicopter mom, but I think this calls for a roadtrip  to North Carolina,  “Gilmore Girls style" a little crazy, totally spontaneous, and with lots of laughter! 

Where You Lead by Carole King (Gilmore Girls Theme)

Where You Lead,  I will followIf you're out on the road
Feelin' lonely and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there!

Hugs!  Sherri