The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Guiding Light

Oh how I wish I could talk to my Aunt Gen... she would know what to do.

Aunt Genevieve "Gen" was the youngest of my grandmother's 7 siblings. She was an absolute delight and full of light and love. When I was a teenager, I learned that Aunt Gen had lost an 8 year old daughter, Jean, to illness. I remember asking her if she was sad and she being very practical said she didn't have time to be, she had 7 other children who needed their mother.....her reason to live showed itself instantly.

Over the next 6 decades she continued to give her love freely even as she buried her parents, 7 siblings, her husband of 53 years, another daughter and her great grandson Ethan. Right up to the time of her death a year ago at age 94, she had Jean's picture next to her favorite chair. While she never forgot her sweet daughter she was able to continue living and loving so purely that she was greatly mourned by all of us including her 24 grandchildren and 43 greatgrandchildren.

If she had given up on living when Jean left this earth she would have never seen the blessings God had in store for her. Wondering if I should follow her lead?

Oh how I wish I could talk to her one more time, to find out what was her secret to living, but she doesn't have time for me. I try to be practical and understanding, realizing that she can't help me here on earth because she is holding my Joshua in her gentle embrace, and frankly I am a bit envious of both of them.

There are times when I would love nothing more than to be with them, but I know there is a plan for me and while it may not show itself today, or I may never know exactly what it is, I will keep doing what I'm doing until the day comes that someone in my family can tell the story of "Aunt Sherri who was an absolute delight and full of light and love. Right up to the time of her death, she had Joshua's picture next to her favorite chair. She never forgot her sweet boy. She also was greatly mourned by all of us including her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren."

Thank you Aunt Gen for your love and guidance. You are loved and you are dearly missed.