Oblivious to the obvious-off to college

It's here, another major milestone!  Brittany is off to college.  I am still in denial and may stay there until ....hmmmm December sounds good...then she'll be home on break.

Brad, always the practical engineer,  has been trying to prepare me for this huge change.  He always forgets I have the gift of being oblivious to the obvious.   I think I like that gift right now.  He is already grieving the loss of having Britt at home to aggravate and love on a daily basis.  I don't feel it yet...I can only focus on today and she's here.

Maybe it's more real for him because he took her to the college visitations "way out there" and watched her face light up once she saw the campus.   He knows her heart is already in Oklahoma.  It will be Brad taking her on the big road trip from Virginia to Oklahoma with stops in Tennessee to visit family.  We will pray hard for Brittany as we know how much Brad loves to travel through busy unfamiliar cities, and how he likes to "passionately critique" other drivers who perhaps aren't focused on driving while behind the wheel.

You would never know this man has travelled all over the world during his career.  He has been fretting about everything.....will everything fit in the car?  Is she packed? Is she ready?  I assure him everything will be fine.  In about a week I won't be so sure.

 Britt is fretting as to whether 10 pairs of shoes and 2 suitcases of clothing are too much.  I remind her, that this is her life...this is not summer camp.   Take it all and see what fits! 

Brad is so focused on Britt that he has filled the car with college stuff and left his beloved golf clubs at home alone without a sitter.  When Britt asked him if he was taking his clubs on this trip with her, and he answered "No, it's all about you!"  I think she was shocked...and touched.  No greater love is there than a parent for their child.

I find it both touching and amusing that Brad is worried for ME when "It" hits the fan.  All those  times he was pacing back and forth that he did over the years as I slept soundly, or read to pass the time, and he is worried about me?!   ...I know he has a valid concern.  Both my Alpha and Omega children will both be away from me.  Let's not think about it. 

Let's think about what this means to Stephi.  I can see it now....Stephi will be so tired of being the center of our attention, that she will run wildly out of the door screaming for space and her independence when it comes her time to leave in two years. 

I'm  now turning to distraction by suggesting to Brittany that she map out the road trip she and her dad will take and stop for some great photo ops such as "Largest ball of yarn; World's largest skillet" or something fun.  It looks like Graceland in Memphis might fit the bill.  I'm sure Brad will love the jungle room.

As my mind wanders, all I can think about is I hope she has as great a college experience as I did.   I loved college and the people who became my life.  I reminded her that she needs to find her "Marcia and Gloria"...former college 'partners in crime' aka roomies who have become sisters of a different mother.   

Oh, and Britt if you're reading this, I really don't need to hear those amazing stories of what made those college friendships great until years from now. My heart is fragile :)

Yep, I'm handling it really well.

~ I have told her I have plans for her room. She just rolls her eyes.

~ I remind her that I won't even notice she's gone. She laughs until she cackles.

~ I have told her I will get my needed daily hugs from other sources...strangers if I have to. She nods in agreement to that one. Hmmmm.

~ I have told her I'm thrilled my house will remain clean.  She reminds me she was the neat child.

I have used great quotes from well respected sources such as the movie "Bull Durham" to get her prepared.  "Brittany, college classes are gonna light you up like a pinball game for a little while; Don't worry about it".  She looks relieved.  Really?  I quote a baseball movie and she gets it!

 I'm not really in denial.  I know I'll miss her and grieve her madly, but right now all I can be is excited for her! How wonderful is this first taste of independence?  She gets to make her own dreams come true and enjoy the moment!  Her "workday" is a day of constant learning, reading, and socializing with people her age.  Her whole world is within walking distance and she will plan her life out a week at a time. No greater time is there than these.

Of course it comes up....that big elephant in the room.  How will she do on her own across country when those pangs for her baby brother hit full force?   I honestly don't know....we are venturing into uncharted territory.  But one thing is certain... I am only 1 exit away from the airport and I will cash in my 401k if that's what I need to do to get to her in a time of need. 

She is my oldest child, my light, my world and now it's time for me to let her grow her earthly wings.  I just won't let her see the tears that fall as we leave her on her own.    I have to keep remembering that she is God's child and there are things he needs her to do so I will do my best to cut the apron strings and let her do her thing.

It all comes down to this great quote by Eleanor Powell.....
  "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." ~Eleanor Powell

Sending Hugs to my Beautiful Brittany! 

Hugs,
Sherri

Angelversary

It came, the day we were all dreading....the first Angelversary of Joshua's death.  It actually started about 10 days earlier when I felt those old feelings of forgetfulness, loss of appetite, I couldn't sleep, was listful, and felt just a general uneasiness.  I noticed my brood was behaving in a very similar matter.

I wasn't sure how Saturday would go since it was a year ago that I got up, baked some cinnamon rolls, tidied up the basement after the boys, and went to wake my child and found he was gone. I will always remember it as Saturday, a family day....he died on my watch.

Sunday came and I wasn't sure how it would go since Brad considers Joshua's Angelversary to be  November 20th which fell on a Sunday this year. He feels more towards the date than the day. I never thought about it before but  I imagine we are not the only ones who have such struggles with what should be the simplest thing to know...when someone you love died.

The four of us went to church together athough the girls chose to remain in the lounge area instead of entering the sanctuary..it's still really hard on them to enter the sanctuary where their brother's funeral was held.  I walked in to see the beautiful altar flowers that Brad dedicated to Joshua, and I opened the program, saw the words "flowers...in memory of Jo"  and slammed it shut.  I couldn't bear to read those words.

The service began and I realized our minister was remembering our sweet Joshua before the congregation.  As he spoke all I could do was nod in response since words were of no use and the tears flowed.  Then I noticed his voice caught and he took a few seconds to regain his composure.  I knew from talking with him and his lovely wife that Joshua's death and the circumstances of it were exceptionally hard for him even as a man of God.  He had walked into an ordinary house on an ordinary Saturday with all the smells of a ordinary day, and found complete chaos and despair as he was called to offer comfort to a family who had witnessed death claim their sweet 12 year old boy within the same house.  The experience remains with him, and I am touched by the catch!  I looked over to Brad who had dissolved into complete heartbreak.  What a surreal moment!  Someone wake me up from this nightmare!

The day was a blur as we greeted several friends after church, and took the  altar flowers to Joshua's grave.  It was such a peacful place, and the moment the lovely bouquet was next to his stone, I knew it was right.

Friends arrived early bearing dinner Sunday night.  A Jewish remembrance candle was lit by our dear friend Jerrold.  I feel honored that he would share a lovely tradition with us.

Glowing green balloons began to appear in the dark living room,  and all of a sudden, they began to arrive....  our friends and Joshua's friends.  Those who sat with us that very day a year ago, those who have called and cared for us over the last year, those who loved our little boy dearly were there.    The house was bursting yet they still came.  We thought maybe about 20 would come, but we were close to 70 snd I felt the love!

The moment arrived as we shared a few special thoughts along with a journal entry Josh wrote following the Colts vs Redskins game he went to  with his Dad October 2010.  He was such a Peyton Manning fan and was thrilled when he saw Peyton come out before the game to survey the crowd and field.  He  was 10 feet away from his idol.  He had a great time which was apparent as his journal entry ended with "I will never and I mean never ever forget that game.  It was an amazing experience for me.  I hope you can have one just as amazing as mine" and with that simple amazing moment in life, dozens of soft glowing balloons were launched into the nighttime sky.  How beautiful and peaceful.  A moment of peace!

The next morning when I woke up, I prepared for work and as soon as I put the car in reverse, the full rush of pain hit full force.  All the emotion I was able to suppress over the weekend had me by the heart and would not stop.  I pulled the car back into the driveway and cried a deep sorrow for my sweet ornery boy.  I cried for the last year, I cried for those who were touched by our sweet boy, I cried for the love I have felt over the last year, I cried for what should be, I cried because this is a terrible way to find out who your true friends are, I cried the cry of a mother who has lost her child.

Once the cloud of sadness began to roll away there was a quiet knock on the door.  I answered with full puffy eyes and saw a friend with  a knowing look on her face holding a cup of tea.  She walked in, looked at me and said, Someone told me you needed me..... 

How I am truly blessed.  Even in my darkness I am sent Love!

May you find peace and love even in the darkest night!

Hugs,
Sherri

Smiles

I've shared how I am the eternal optimist and even though we are facing the saddest time of the year, the one year Angelversary of losing Josh, I can still look back over the last few months and find things that make me smile..some smiles from acts of kindness, some valiant acts of friendship and support, and some from the unbelievable and politically incorrect.  If you choose to read on, please do not take offense....sometimes politically incorrect is the only way to get through the tough times.

 

And in answer to the questions you want to ask but are afraid.  Yes, this is a very tough week already.  There is still so much numbness and the hurts come at unexpected times without warning.  There are so many great things happening in our daughters' lives that their brother is missing and so we are learning to ignore the heartwrenching pangs and truly smile at their happiness .  Life goes on at an incredible pace but we take it a bit slower since we are not functioning with full hearts, yet we are moving forward, we are striving to live on and love on!

 

Hugs,

Sherri

 

• I smile at the petite Irish chick who broke through the two burly police officers to get to my family.
• I smile at the memory of seeing one of the hardened burly police officers shed a tear when he thought noone was looking.
• I smile at the memory of the one who sat on the front porch with me as my heart laid shattered and my body in shock!
• I smile at the beautiful candlelit street and group of friends awaiting my family after so many came to pay respects and give hugs.
• I smile at the memory of Brad's good friend Paul strolling into our home ready to help in anyway.
• I smile at the memory of  our dear friends rushing to our aid and tripping over each other as they organized our house for the impending rush of loved ones.
• I smile at my beautiful girls who continue to amaze me.
• I smile at our families dropping everything to be with us.
• I smile at my daughters' friends who came to offer support and became distracted by"the hottie cousins" from out of town.
• I smile at all the faces I remember seeing as we laid our youngest to rest on a peaceful hill. 
• I smile at the huge amount of Thanksgiving food items that showed up in our kitchen by so many who put their needs behind ours on that special day.
• I smile at the sweet children who sat outside the parlor with tears streaming down their faces as they remembered my sweet boy..their friend.
• I smile at the sweet people who braved the snowy cold morning to walk for epilepsy.
• I smile at my brother who has a knack for showing up at my side whenever I need him.
• I smile at the memory of Stephanie meeting her new favorite disney princess at DisneyWorld.
• I smile at the old fat cat curling up next to my daughter to soothe her.
• I smile at the stupid stink bugs that Josh sends to his sisters on a regular basis.
• I smile at the day Brittany  received her senior school photos.
• I smile at the roommates who have come regularly to fill my cup and renew my spirit.
• I smile at the big husband of mine who has been so gentle and vulnerable and not afraid to show it.
• I smile at the fact that my big husband was faced with a life-threatening illness and came out a victor.
• I smile at the folks at work who do their best to protect me, make me laugh and lend me their shoulders without judgement.
• I smile at the memory of my sweet ornery little boy who loved life and lived it to the fullest.





Stephanie and Joshua at our favorite beach outside Athens.

 

My sweet Joshua, we LOVE you, MISS you, and LAUGH on for you!

Guiding Light

Oh how I wish I could talk to my Aunt Gen... she would know what to do.

Aunt Genevieve "Gen" was the youngest of my grandmother's 7 siblings. She was an absolute delight and full of light and love. When I was a teenager, I learned that Aunt Gen had lost an 8 year old daughter, Jean, to illness. I remember asking her if she was sad and she being very practical said she didn't have time to be, she had 7 other children who needed their mother.....her reason to live showed itself instantly.

Over the next 6 decades she continued to give her love freely even as she buried her parents, 7 siblings, her husband of 53 years, another daughter and her great grandson Ethan. Right up to the time of her death a year ago at age 94, she had Jean's picture next to her favorite chair. While she never forgot her sweet daughter she was able to continue living and loving so purely that she was greatly mourned by all of us including her 24 grandchildren and 43 greatgrandchildren.

If she had given up on living when Jean left this earth she would have never seen the blessings God had in store for her. Wondering if I should follow her lead?

Oh how I wish I could talk to her one more time, to find out what was her secret to living, but she doesn't have time for me. I try to be practical and understanding, realizing that she can't help me here on earth because she is holding my Joshua in her gentle embrace, and frankly I am a bit envious of both of them.

There are times when I would love nothing more than to be with them, but I know there is a plan for me and while it may not show itself today, or I may never know exactly what it is, I will keep doing what I'm doing until the day comes that someone in my family can tell the story of "Aunt Sherri who was an absolute delight and full of light and love. Right up to the time of her death, she had Joshua's picture next to her favorite chair. She never forgot her sweet boy. She also was greatly mourned by all of us including her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren."

Thank you Aunt Gen for your love and guidance. You are loved and you are dearly missed.