Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

I need a Silent Night

 We really made an effort for Christmas this year.   We threw ourselves into the preparations for our first hosted Holiday Party, we dusted off decorations and lights we hadn’t used since Josh died 6 Christmases ago, and we went out and picked up some new ones because we wanted to "Go Big".  We wrapped this house in 'Merry' front to back in and out; even the commodes were decorated.

Either I’m getting old, or I have a lot of stuff because it took quite a while to get it all done.  Mom said it was because I didn’t have my little helpers.  That was probably true…we were planning a party and our kids weren’t a part of it.  How very empty nester of us.

A couple of weeks later, the house filled with friends, music blared, delicious smells of food filled the air, and Stephi walked in with stealth kitty.  Yay!  Bonus! 

Everyone was having a wonderful time, and the last one was out the door at 2 am.  Good thing since I had to be at church to sing the Christmas Cantat 5 hours later.  Who needs sleep?

Choirs were a centerpiece of my world that slipped away as the children arrived and their care took priority.  As part of the throwing myself into the season, I joined not 1 but 2 choirs!   My big plan worked, I was a busy girl with no time to think!

Our choir sang the cantata three times, and though I was wiped out, I jumped at the chance when  Stephi came running down the aisle.  “Mom, that was so good, let’s go celebrate!” This is one of those times where you thank God that your child wants to spend time with you, and you’re very thankful that God also provided caffeine!

Britt arrived on Sunday with her hissing cat…such a friendly guy.  It felt like our very own partridge in a pear tree.  Two hissing cats, one barking dog, and a Christmas tree that miraculously remained intact.

Britt was rushing in so we could see the Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith Holiday concert. Anyone who knows the history of contemporary Christian knows that Amy and Michael are the founders of this.  As a college student, I remember actually thinking the church cared because they were welcoming the music I could relate to.
 
These two musicians love the Lord, have a lion share of musical talents and lets face it, in this time of terrorism and fear, it was a welcomed change to hear heartfelt chords for Christ. 

During a part of their concerts, I swear I could hear the heavens sing a joyous song.  I felt a connection with Josh and tears streamed down my face not only for the beauty of the sound, but the joy that Josh was surrounded by love and beauty and I missed him dearly.  This feeling was captured in a tear.

On Christmas Eve, I was back up in the choir loft making my own joyful noise with both girls next to me.  They were recruited to join the Contemporary choir by my charming ways “C’mon and do this, it will be fun”.   Snagged them!

Silent Night by candlelight made the sanctuary glow in white.  It was gorgeous and those tears that hold every emotion, sat in the corner of my eyes.

Christmas brought fun gifts…the psycho dog discovered tissue paper is cool to shred, all bows had been mysteriously separated from their gifts, and two cats looked on with a glint of guilt.  They were both so curious.  Here’s the moment Britt captured on camera because she thought it look exactly like the photo on the left.  What do you think?

 It was a good Christmas.  We felt the Joy of the Season for the first time in 6 Christmases.  There was only one thing that was missing...Josh!  His stocking may have been empty of stuff, but it was still part of our season, just as Josh always will be. 

Hugs!
Sherri

Reality Check

I’m in my comfy spot with my swollen feet propped up, sipping my coffee, and watching a rogue squirrel torment our dog and Stealth Kitty on the other side of the patio door.  Pretty sure if he could stick his tongue out at them, he would.



Waiting for our first show

I’m keeping life pretty simple today since I just returned from a 3-day trip chaperoning 150 teenagers through the streets of New York City. Last fall, when Stephi’s chorus department needed chaperones for their annual chorus trip, Stephi and friends signed me up without ever asking me.  I guess I could have been upset that they didn't ask first, but honestly,  I love that they wanted me to go!

I knew the trip would be busy/crazy, kinda like corralling cats, but the lure of getting to watch two Broadway musicals, and see my daughter’s wonder made it soooo enticing.

  Of course in our new normal, there was a little twist ….Joshua’s classmates were part of the chorus this year.  I tried to hide it, but I found myself looking at his friends several times during the trip imagining Josh standing next to them. 

Josh in his school holiday show-2008

At one point there were tears as I realized another “could have been” moment…. I could have spent the whole weekend watching two of the Newmanettes trek throughout NYC. That was about the time Stephi came over to chat.   She saw the tears and asked what was going on, so I told her. 

I expected a big empathetic hug, but she looked at me with those big eyes and said matter-of-fact,   “Mom, Josh wouldn’t be here, he would NEVER have joined chorus.  There's No Way!!!!”   Leave it to Stephi to keep it Real!

“Can’t a mother dream?”  

My kids were very close, so I know Stephi  knows what she's talkin' about.  Before long we were crackin' up talking about the real Josh,  not St. Josh...the boy I sometimes make more innocent in my memories than he truly was in life.    

A windy day on top of the Empire State Building

  Yea, it's complicated.  Josh didn't get to live long enough to dash my dreams for him with his real life choices, but ya know what?  Stephi's reality check did give me a happy peek into one of those disappointment moments.  

She's right, Josh wouldn't have joined the chorus, he wouldn't be up there on the stage singing his heart out, and he wouldn't have been on this trip with us.  

 
 
 
No....at best, my boy would have been fast asleep sitting in the audience while watching his sister in chorus.

Thank you my sweet girl for keeping it real! I Love you Dearly!

You can imagine how touching it was to go to the 911 Memorial in Lower Manhattan and think about both the lives lost, as well as those living on without them.

Remembering those lost to 911.  How beautiful were the two fountains!



Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children.

-President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001


HUGS!
Sherri

 

Furlough Treasures

We are in the third week of government furlough.  Brad and I are both stuck in that place where we can’t do much about our predicament.  We would like to be able to go to work, but the doors are locked.  We can’t wander too far away since we can be called back to work any day; besides cars take gas, and gas takes money.

There’s a good chance we will eventually get paid, but who knows.  There’s a lot of tension and real fear within our community that could easily pull me in, but  I guess losing Josh has “helped me” cope in this situation, because I realize that while the loss of my income,  and “things” would be hard, nothing could compare to losing Josh, so if I can live through his death, THIS AIN'T NOTHIN!

So as I wait,  I've cleaned out several closets for the first time in a long time, which means I found several items in them last touched by Joshua.  A wooden toy sword tucked in the middle of several colorful umbrellas in the umbrella stand.  I found it when I emptied everything out to clean out the leaves and bugs gathered at the bottom.

The “ewwwww  gross dead bugs” didn’t even occur to me.

His dress coat  was hanging in the hall closet.  I’ve seen it there a few times, but this time I pulled it close and smelled it before pushing it back with a smile on my face.

On week two, Brad and I hit the basement where we found treasures tucked away.  Artwork with Joshua’s name scribed in his own hand, poems to both of us sharing his love, and a kindergarten questionnaire where he states his mom is 101 years old.  

Brad discovered a personal treasure to him tucked in an old  golf bag....golf score cards from father/son golf outings when Josh tracked the score. 

Young Britt enjoying ice cream

After a quick lunch,  it was back to the basement to discover a ski coat way too small for any of us; The big green rock Josh found and adopted was next to a science board he put together to explain rivers. 

Then there were the old videos that we knew we needed to convert to DVDs but had let fall to the wayside were finally brought out.  We tried to clean the basement while the videos were converting, but the laughter and sounds from young Newmanettes had us glued to the tv for several minutes at a time. 

Sweet and shy Stephi

 There was Brittany and Stephi fighting over their tea set.  Video I took while very  pregnant with their baby brother, Joshua.

We have discovered a few things from these videos.  Brittany liked to boss her little sister around;  Stephi would take it for so long and then up and wallop Britt. 

My darling children.....Brittany was so serious, Stephi was such an easy going kid, and Josh was soooo curious with THAT smile.  Those videos hold visions of what has always been our center, our priority.  Our family!

Joshua climbing over the Halloween Box

By dinner time there were 6 bags of trash, 7 converted dvds, 12 bags for charity, and double stuffed oreos awaiting me upstairs, and boy did I need those oreos!

Mom and Dad popped into town unexpectedly for the weekend, and when they called I didn’t even have to worry about the house cuz it was already clean.  When they came in I even showed them my beautifully cleaned out basement, and listed my recent achievements including the video we were converting at that moment.

The furlough is very real, the loss of income and the hit to our economy is very real, and even I, a political science junkie,  can’t stand to watch the mudslinging and news swirls any longer. 

Someone call me when the real work is done.   In the meantime,  I’ll take this much needed time with myself to heal my heart since life never allowed me that time before.  Don’t worry, it has been one of laughter through the tears and confirms one thing: 

“Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.” ― Saul Bellow

 

Hugs!

Sherri

 

 

 

The Gentle Side of Grief

A friend IM’d me today….here’s our conversation

S: “Saw Brad yesterday, he looked really tired”

Me: “Yea I know, we’ve both been pretty sad and tired the last week or so.  The rainy weather, Erika’s death, and Joshie’s birthday is comin’ up.”

S: “Yea, that would do it…please be gentle with yourself.”

Me: “Promise!  We’ve been keeping our evenings simple, takin’ walks and talkin’ through it.”

S: “Oh honey, sending you my Love!!! XOXO”

I think that pretty much summarizes my week!

I’ve been writing so many sad words since my friend Erika, lost her valiant 2 1/2 year battle against cancer last Wednesday. She asked me to come see her last Tuesday, so  I immediately took off work and went over to her house for the day.  She looked so small in that bed, but oh her smile!  There was nothing but love between us so we spent our last time together sharing our love, and gratitude for such a wonderful friendship.  As I drove home there were gentle tears of love for my friend.
 

A great night at the Rascal Flatts concert-2011

 

The next day I received the dreaded call that Erika had just passed away, I wasn’t sure I could go say goodbye; I thought it might trigger an anxiety attack, but I called Brad, and asked him to drive me over anyways. He dropped everything to meet me,  drove me over to her house, and stood by my side as I said my final goodbye to my dear sweet friend.  Gentle tears of grief rolled down my cheeks all the way home.

Since then, I'm sure it has been a bit interesting, almost entertaining, if you are lookin’ from the outside in.  I have woke up every morning swearing it’s Friday, only to realize it’s Monday; Did it again on Tuesday….Wednesday and today.  Tomorrow I’ll  finally be right.   THANK GOODNESS!   I even accused Brad of stealing my granola only to find it two days later in the back of a cabinet…in a very odd location.  How’d that get there?  Gentle tears of laughter!

A week after we lost Erika,  the town of Moore, Oklahoma, was flattened by a very rare and lethal F-5 tornado.  I have no right to put myself anywhere on the level of pain Moore residents are feeling. What I do know is my oldest daughter,  a Meteorology major at OU, would have been storm chasing, and witnessing firsthand so much devastation and tragedy had she not just returned to Virginia for summer break the week before.  While she was upset to miss a learning opportunity, I  thank God for keeping her out of harm’s way.  Gentle tears for those who have lost their loved ones, their homes, and their livelihoods. 

If that wasn't enough to think about, I also sent a note to Joshua’s 6^th grade teacher this week, to make plans for his birthday.  The cupcake fairy will rise again to deliver green iced cupcakes to the entire 6^th grade class.  They won’t know why they are receiving cupcakes, they will just gobble them down and be so happy someone did something nice for them.  They are mostly all 12 years old..the age he was…..this year he is his 15th birthday…...  Gentle tears for what we have lost; Gentle tears of thanks that we can see those icing-smudged faces.

The first year after Josh died, the girls wanted to bring some laughter with memories of Josh so they started the tradition of riding roller coasters on his birthday. This year they have chosen Busch Gardens.  So the plans have been made. Gentle tears for the empty seat beside me on the roller coaster; Gentle tears of thanks for having two very thoughtful daughters.

Later that afternoon we will take a short drive to Virginia Beach to feel God’s power, and watch the waves  crash into the shore and quietly recede.  In that moment, Brad and both girls will be standing at my side taking it all in with me.  Gentle tears of sadness that we will only be 4, gentle tears of thanks that I am with the ones I love!

So much sadness, but as I sit here and ponder these words, I remember that right next to me is Erika’s garden.  A piece of barren ground that she turned into a place of color and splendor much like it is now….. and when I think about what she did, I feel a smile creep up on my face.  A beautiful legacy enjoyed by many.

Your suffering is over now, and you are surrounded by the loving arms of those who love you!  Rest in Peace my sweet friend! Gentle Tears of Thanksgiving!

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.“A little while, and you will see me no longer; and again a little while, and you will see me.” - John 16:20

Hugs!

Sherri

Stephi's Heart

My Stephi’s sadness has finally shown itself.  My middle child; the sensitive one, the peacekeeper, has finally allowed herself to show her brokenness.  It breaks my heart and yet it is also a relief.  We have been concerned and watching for any signs of trouble since her little brother, Joshua died from SUDEP in 2010.  I believe part of the delay of reality is a burden laid by well-meaning but misguided words of those who told Stephi to “take care of your parents” during the early weeks of our loss.  Light hearted words that had such a harmful impact on our child.

A couple of weeks after Josh died; Stephi came to me in tears and first shared her burden of guilt as she felt completely unable to take care of us.  As love poured through my numb body,   I assured her that both her dad and I could take care of ourselves; the only one she needed to take care of was herself.  Oh how we needed her to take care of herself during a time we barely had enough strength to care for ourselves. 

She next felt the personal responsibility of trying to fill the gaps left by Josh.  Pick up his chores, his hobbies.  When this came out in early counseling attempts, we let her know how much we loved her and that was all we needed. 

Always the practical one, she couldn’t understand why her dad and I were so sad when there were two living children in our care.  The head completely agreed, but the heart did not.  I carefully explained that we always wanted our three kids.  How each of them were gifts who brought such a joy to our lives that all together made us a complete family.  Now that one part is missing we are  heartbroken beyond words.  I admitted from her continuing questions that if it had been another child, I would still be this heartbroken. 

In those early days and months, Stephi didn’t get very verbal, nor did she shed many tears, but she wrote.  Oh, how that girl wrote….she wrote journal entries, she wrote Facebook updates, she wrote poems, and she wrote essays in school that had a dark edge to them.   At 14 years of age, she witnessed me finding Josh that morning, she rushed to his side as I rushed for the phone, and she then ran to the door to let the EMTs in.  She saw her brother in a casket just three days after he playfully jumped on her as she watched her favorite tv show.

There was rawness in emotion in these writings, an inclusion of detail that I frankly struggled with both from the standpoint of not being emotionally able to relive those moments, and also the fear of bringing “outsiders” who hadn’t experienced such a loss into the dark place in the mind of grief.

Fortunately, God put Stephi’s words in the hands of a teacher who had been there.  Who did understand. 

God sent her a loving father who could take it better than me; He sent “The Board” and my roomies to love on her, wrap her in hugs, and keep her smiling until I was able. God also gave her a great big sister who kept tabs on her in places a parent is not allowed. 

On the surface, there wasn’t much change from before Joshua’s death….hugs never ceased, family nicknames and humor remained, but beyond that?  Forget it….there was no way I could sit down and REALLY listen…until recently.  God finally strengthened my heart enough for me to connect with her, to listen to her, and I believe it’s no coincidence that just as I am able to listen and truly understand, her sadness has begun to surface.

I don’t know where this is going…we’re just at the beginning, but wherever it leads I am so there beside her. 

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  Isaiah 43:2

Hugs of Hope and Love to my Stephi!

Sherri

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I'm on the mend from this lovely flu/whooping cough invasion, which means I do a chore like clean the bathroom, and then gotta go lie down and take some pressure off the lungs.  It also makes me fling my bra off the moment I'm home from my big girl life.

 

Once I lie down I don't want to get back up for things like DVDs or such, so I make do with what's on tv. As it would be, I turned on the last 15 minutes of George Clooney in "Dusk to Dawn" which is a movie I haven't watched in eons.  A campy vampire movie!

 

I have a love/hate thing for vampire movies.  I love to watch them....I have to put my hands before my eyes on the scary part but spread my fingers apart just a little bit so I can see what's happening.   Brad is not a big vampire fan, but for some reason he doesn't seem to mind them when I come running to  be near him after I watch one.

 

Dreams......

 

Dream specialists tell us that it's quite common to dream about the last thing you saw or did in your day.  Whatever that may be lingers in your conscious or subconscious and waits to play out as you sleep.  I can't agree or disagree...most days I have a pretty active dream life but little memory of it.  I  have noticed waking up in a certain mood, knowing the mood was the result of a dream and keeping emotions with me all day.

 

So.....I did dream a bit about George Clooney and me fighting those ugly vampires, but it didn't last long, thankfully.....

then I dreamed of Joshua! 

These dreams don't come often, but they are so sweet when they come! This was just a dream, not a heavenly visit...  I've had one where I believe God's grace allowed Josh to let me know he's happy and well. 

 

Maybe I dreamed it because I have been so sad thinking of his upcoming 15th birthday, or maybe because I still feel crappy....who knows and who cares?!

 

In my dream,  we five were at the local school getting ready for  our usual Saturday soccer games.  Josh ran by me aggravating his sisters trying to get them to play with him, and his sisters were running all about yelling back at him.  The three of them were all about 5-6 years younger than they are now so it was a replay of a bygone day with a twist....  At one point I looked over at Josh who had sat down for a second and said in total loving disbelief,"It's so great to have you here again.....they say you can't come back once you die, but you're here!  All I want to do is give you a big fat kiss and hug and never let go!"
 

 

I immediately went behind him and fully embraced him as he squirmed just a bit, screamed "cooties", but did not run away.  The girls were giggling nearby.  I took a few more hugs, just taking in the feel of him, his hair, and being able to do it.  It felt so wonderful!  Then he jumped up to go with his sisters.

 

I walked back to Brad, looked at the three of them together, smiled..........and woke up.

 

What a sweet precious gift!  My eyes opened full of tears of thanks and tears of what is.  Even if it was only a dream I am so thankful!

 

Dreaming of you my sweet family!

 

Hugs,

Sherri

Broken Valentine - When Everyone Prays

November 20, 2010, is the worst day of my life.  It is the day I went to awaken Josh to help me paint our fence and found he had passed away as a result of SUDEP.  Hours later when they came to take him from our home, my natural response was to crumple to the ground in complete despair.  At that moment, a gentle and familiar voice took me by the arms and brought me into her embrace.  I looked up to see the lovely face of my dear friend Nancy. 

Nancy quickly snapped into action to organize the wonderful friends who came to help us prepare for Joshua's farewell.  Every night near bedtime, I would go to her since she refused to leave us, and send her home to her family with heartfelt thanks for her help, and more importantly for her friendship of 24 years. 

This past Monday morning, I felt the need to take the day off from work and even more unexplainable, the next day as well.  Later that afternoon, I received a frantic call from Nancy that her sweet boy was en route to our local hospital and would I come as soon as possible?  I ran to get dressed, grabbed Brad and Stephi and we rushed to their side.

Monday soon turned into a 24 hour vigil as we prayed for her sweet boy laying in the ICU as a result of attempted suicide.  Word spread quickly of what had happened and that we were facing terrible odds. 

Many of my friends who came to know and love Nancy during our time of loss, asked what they could do? Christian, non christian, agnostic, it didn't matter.  At one point another sweet friend of mine, a self proclaimed agnostic, asked what she could do and all I could respond was "pray your heathen butt off".   As a sidebar, she responded "Only for you".

There is something about a tragic moment that brings even those most distant from Christ so quickly back to him.  Prayers for a miracle were prayed across 10 states as prayer warriors lifted their voices in hope.

On the fourth day....the day of tests of life, I couldn't take all the waiting around,  the crowds of supporters and had to go home to be with Brad and Stephi.  I paced the floor awaiting the news we knew was coming.

Just before 10 pm I received the following text "Sadness". 

 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Now, I find the tables turned.  I am the one embracing the mother of the child who has died.   I am the one who can relate to this terrible time like no other in our lives, and try to bring comfort to one who will not feel comfort in these early days.

If I didn't understand why my Josh died, I am even more perplexed why my life and those I love so dearly are once again touched by tragedy.

Tuesday, we will remember this sweet life, and I will be there to offer my love and support. 

Wednesday, most friends and family will return to their lives.  I will not!

Please keep Nancy and her family in your prayers.

Heartbroken Hugs!
Sherri

 

 

Nagging Traditions

It's quiet.  The house is asleep and I have some time to myself.

The tree is trimmed, gifts wrapped under the tree and cookies decorated.  From the street we look like a normal family enjoying a normal Christmas........and the Emmy goes to...the Newman Family for the nonfiction portrayal of  "A Normal Christmas".

Oh how I miss Joshua ....this time of year just yanks my heart apart again.  Joshua was our tradition man. 



Joshua and Santa - 2008

He was our energy, our passion, and yes....our nag, around the Christmas season.  He made sure all was done in time for a great Christmas.  Mom, we NEEEEEDDDD to get the tree up and decorated.  Mom we NEEEEDDD to go shopping for Christmas, Britt wants...., Stephanie wants......, Mom we NEEEEDDD to make cookies.

After about the 30th time, he wore me down enough to where the tree would go up, we loaded up the car for a shopping trip, and the grocery list included gobs of sugar and butter.

The Newmanettes - 2008

Move forward to 2012 which is our third Christmas without Josh.  All the shopping was done online to avoid crowds especially when every 5 ft stocky boy with short hair that walks by is my Joshie, or the tall one walking with his mom makes me wonder how tall Josh would be.   Ohhhh how I need some chocolate.

This year, we had to wait for Britt to come home from college to buy our tree from the Jones family who sets up shop on the street corner every Christmas season. 

After three days of standing untouched in the garage, Brad threatened to turn our Christmas tree into mulch if it wasn't up and decorated by night's end.  We three girls rolled our eyes, pulled out the stuff and up went the tree.  We even managed to place the angel on top without toppling the entire tree. 

When I suggested the girls bake the cutout cookies while I was at work, you would have thought I told them I hate puppies and kittens.  Oh my gosh...the drama!!!!! Sooo,  I put together the dough, let the girls fight over cookie cutter shapes, and decorate.  Don't tell anyone, but several of the cookies were a bit crunchy this year without Josh impatiently checking on them every 2 minutes.

These traditions don't seem to mean much to me this year.  That has been pretty much my attitude this whole season until I went through the house preparing for bed, and looked up to see the real reason for the season.  Sitting in a softly lit corner of my Dining Room is a small rendition of a stable which protects a baby in a manger. 

Joshua took this photo of our nativity in 2008. 

For a moment as I looked at it, I felt it... Peace

Wishing you a Merry Christmas as we celebrate a mother's joy at the birth of her Son.  And he shall be called Jesus!

Hugs!
Sherri



 

1st Annual Joshua Newman 5K

After months of planning by so many wonderful people, the First Annual Joshua Newman 5K Run/Walk took place today.


Lining up at the Start Line

  The mood was festive with a twinge of sadness.  Noone could be more proud than I am of the group of volunteers who set up tables, manned water stations, cheered folks on, and set up.  The National Anthem was sung by our sweet neighbor who truly sounded like an angel.

Natalie & Jenna - Joshua's classmates

We welcomed Team Jeff....those who loved Jeff Beaupre, a 40 year old father of two lost to SUDEP in February 2012. Jeff's wife helped us introduce Lucas, an adorable four year old who is this year's first recipient of an Emfit Seizure monitor system from this year's  5k proceeds. 

Joshua's friend, John, read Joshua's bio which was heart warming, and then it was time for us to speak...my heart was racing, and my voice faltered at times, but we made it through. 

Here are the highlights of our words, along with some photos of this incredible event in Joshua's memory.

"We would like to thank

·  Danny Did Foundation

 · The Joshua Newman 5K Planning Committee

Thank you all for your endless energy, and open arms.When Josh died, we were afraid for a little while that people would forget Josh.  You all have made us realize that could never happen, and have helped us try to turn heartbreak into something good.  Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and unending support. 



Today we are here to celebrate a sweet and ornery boy who touched our lives to the very core. His death brought epilepsy to the forefront, and made us hug our kids and each other more tightly.



We know Joshua “never knew a stranger” and we are in awe at how many lives he touched in his short but so colorful life!

Thanks to your overwhelming response we would like to introduce you to the first recipient of seizure equipment from today’s proceeds, and to help us do this, I’d like to invite Allison Austin (wife of Jeff Beaupre)to the front."

Hugs were given throughout the course as we chatted and walked with our friends and family. 

The perfect balloon art....an angel!

In the end, hearts were warm even though fingers and toes were freezing.  Lots of Josh stories were shared.... it was just so great to talk about Joshie again.  Oh, how I miss the boy!

Hugs,
Sherri