Nagging Traditions

It's quiet.  The house is asleep and I have some time to myself.

The tree is trimmed, gifts wrapped under the tree and cookies decorated.  From the street we look like a normal family enjoying a normal Christmas........and the Emmy goes to...the Newman Family for the nonfiction portrayal of  "A Normal Christmas".

Oh how I miss Joshua ....this time of year just yanks my heart apart again.  Joshua was our tradition man. 



Joshua and Santa - 2008

He was our energy, our passion, and yes....our nag, around the Christmas season.  He made sure all was done in time for a great Christmas.  Mom, we NEEEEEDDDD to get the tree up and decorated.  Mom we NEEEEDDD to go shopping for Christmas, Britt wants...., Stephanie wants......, Mom we NEEEEDDD to make cookies.

After about the 30th time, he wore me down enough to where the tree would go up, we loaded up the car for a shopping trip, and the grocery list included gobs of sugar and butter.

The Newmanettes - 2008

Move forward to 2012 which is our third Christmas without Josh.  All the shopping was done online to avoid crowds especially when every 5 ft stocky boy with short hair that walks by is my Joshie, or the tall one walking with his mom makes me wonder how tall Josh would be.   Ohhhh how I need some chocolate.

This year, we had to wait for Britt to come home from college to buy our tree from the Jones family who sets up shop on the street corner every Christmas season. 

After three days of standing untouched in the garage, Brad threatened to turn our Christmas tree into mulch if it wasn't up and decorated by night's end.  We three girls rolled our eyes, pulled out the stuff and up went the tree.  We even managed to place the angel on top without toppling the entire tree. 

When I suggested the girls bake the cutout cookies while I was at work, you would have thought I told them I hate puppies and kittens.  Oh my gosh...the drama!!!!! Sooo,  I put together the dough, let the girls fight over cookie cutter shapes, and decorate.  Don't tell anyone, but several of the cookies were a bit crunchy this year without Josh impatiently checking on them every 2 minutes.

These traditions don't seem to mean much to me this year.  That has been pretty much my attitude this whole season until I went through the house preparing for bed, and looked up to see the real reason for the season.  Sitting in a softly lit corner of my Dining Room is a small rendition of a stable which protects a baby in a manger. 

Joshua took this photo of our nativity in 2008. 

For a moment as I looked at it, I felt it... Peace

Wishing you a Merry Christmas as we celebrate a mother's joy at the birth of her Son.  And he shall be called Jesus!

Hugs!
Sherri



 

In This Moment

I have had so many unwritten blog entries swirling in my head over the last few weeks.  Such a crazy time of the year.  The world celebrates as the families of those who have lost children try to find the Joy in the darkness.

Yesterday, evil showed his horrible face when one person shot and killed 27 innocent souls, including 20 children.

The media swirl is abound and everyone is beside themselves.  They talk about showing support to those who now face heartbreak and despair during a season of Joy.  They just talk and talk and talk...

Many families will offer heartfelt condolences along the lines of "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I am so sorry". 

Sadly, I can imagine......

It has been two years for our family, our third Christmas without Joshua, and sometime within those two years....(truth be told..pretty much in the last two weeks), I have learned that Christmas is magical because it is a book we keep in our hearts full of those great memories of happiness, peace and joy.  The beautiful realization is that this book includes memories that noone can take away, and they are the greatest gift!

Pray for these families....they will need all the strength prayer can muster to get them through their holidays. Not only will Christmas presents remain untouched under newly decorated trees, but many are in the middle of Hanukkah and have lost their child during their holiest of seasons.

Send notes of love not only to those lost in yesterday's tragedy, but to those you know who have lost a child at any time...every one of these tragedies tears the wound of loss wide open!

Keep those you love close!

Give Hugs every opportunity you have!

Merry Christmas....may your book be full of Christmas memories!

Hugs,
Sherri


 

Rumpled raincoat

It's raining outside and I have grabbed the ole trusty raincoat from the closet.  It's the same raincoat I've been pulling out over the last 15 years or so.  I gave Brad this coat in the early days of our marriage, and then I took it over.  It was meant to fit a big mountain man, but I love it! It has protected me from the elements, even during those months when my belly seemed to expand further than I thought it could without bursting as I carried each of my children.

I have worn this coat with fancy dresses, in numerous countries, mountains, rivers, you name it, it's been there with me.   Brad laughed at me in the early days and claimed he would grab it back, but I assured him wearing it is 99 percent ownership.

This coat has been placed over the small and growing bodies of my children.  Josh tried to take it over from me, but lost out!  I will check Brittany's suitcases when she heads out to college this fall to make sure she hasn't borrowed it.

A couple of years ago, Brad thought it would be a good idea to get me a real raincoat I could wear to work.  I tried to be good and wear it but after Josh died,  I just couldn't help but find comfort wearing that blue raincoat.

There are certain triggers that send you back to those happy moments.  Songs, photos, places.  for me the blue coat represents my life to me.  I don't know what I'll do when it finally begins to fall apart...maybe I'll have it made into a teddy bear to cuddle for even longer.

Hugs!
Sherri

Roller Coasters and Chocolate...a winning combination

It was a  beautiful day when I rolled out of bed yesterday.  I knew it was going to be a special day when I turned over and looked into the eyes of two eager teenage girls and it wasn't even 8am!  What could drag them out of bed on a day they didn't have school?  Roller Coaster Day!

Roller Coaster Day is a tradition we started to celebrate Joshua's 13th birthday last year...now we are celebrating his 14th birthday! So hard to believe a year has passed.

Throughout all the trials of living without Josh, I have learned it's a good  idea to listen to my girls and how they wish to handle the challenging situations that arise in this new normal.  Every time I want to sit in a dark corner and cry, I just follow them instead and I am better for it.  Last year it was THEIR idea to ride roller coasters instead of sitting at home with the shades drawn like I was leaning towards.   We ended up actually having a great experience last year remembering Joshy while doing what he loved, and a new tradition was born. 

This year Stephi chose Hershey Park which was fine with me since it involved eating lots of chocolate...need I say more?!  We took the Newmanettes to the same park several years ago when Josh was barely in school so the park holds some happy memories.


Britt 11, Stephi 9, Joshua 7 with their new friend

We had also planned on being "cupcake angels" where we drop off cupcakes for the entire 6th grade class at Joshua's school but we found out we couldn't do it because they wouldn't be around...they were going to Hershey Park!  There is no such thing as coincidences!

We first stopped for a chocolate appetizer....big ole Reeses cups...a Josh favorite.  No sooner did we walk into the park than we began running into moms and kids from school. We grabbed hugs from several moms as well as from Joshua's former teachers and saw the familiar 6th grade tshirts running throughout the park. 

Hangin with some of Joshua's teachers!

One of the challenges with riding roller coasters for Josh is you have to do what he would do, which means ride the fastest, toughest roller coaster as soon as possible and as many times as possible.  Yikes! 

For one day the conversations take on a happy tone as we relive the Josh memories and WWJD (What Would Josh Do?)  It's a great way to celebrate our sweet ornery one and I am so glad my girls make it happen.

I admit it took a lot of effort to do this both physically and mentally and by 3:00 Brad and I were leaning on each other wanting for our comfy bed.  We're not sure if it is the grief or old age, but I prefer to blame the grief.  It doesn't matter because it is all worth it when we walk out arm and arm with our girls who have those smiles and a good new memory to add to our blessings.  For one day, they can have a somewhat normal family day, which I know they treasure.

After we returned that evening, I kissed everyone goodnight and went to Joshy's room to have my own time with my memories. It's what I would be tempted to do all day if left to my own wishes and would bring pity, but at the end of a day of celebration of his life, it takes on a special air of it's own and I just spend time with my sweet boy who I so love and miss!

He was so ornery, keeping him with us in a park was a constant challenge; He was so much fun, helping us to enjoy the simplest things, and oh how he loved roller coasters!  I am so lucky that I got to ride so many with him while he was here.

Happy Birthday Joshua, sweet angel boy!

Hugs!!!
Mom

Mothers on Mother's Day

I woke up at 9:00 this morning....whoa! I never sleep that late. It must have been sitting around with "the Board" til midnight over a bottle of wine that did that one. Whatever the reason, I'm awake on yet another one of those bittersweet days... Mother's Day.

I think the part of Mother's Day where I don't cook, clean or lift a finger suits me well..I can actually use this holiday as an excuse for doing nothing. I chose not to attend church and asked for lunch to be curbside pickup versus dining room so I could discreetly avoid the upbeat celebration of Mother's Day. That part of the day is still just too much to take on 17 months after losing Joshua.

Am I neglecting my living children by grieving my sweet ornery one? Truth be told my girls are thrilled not to have to make a big fuss over me and they know they are my reason to celebrate the blessings in my life, even when the loss of one of them overwhelms me at times.

A good plan of action is to keep busy so you won't think about it. Out to the garden I go with tools and plants just in time to look up to see our very own 'Neurologist in the making'. Our sweet neighbor who was a first responder on that day in November. She was so greatly impacted by Joshua's death that she chose to specialize in seizures, and is in the last part of her med training at Georgetown. She is the mother to two small boys who love and adore her. She inspires me beyond words and we have plans to work together in the world of epilepsy.

I turn around next to see my neighbor and dear friend who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer two weeks before Joshua died. 17 months later after too many surgeries and procedures to count, her hair has returned thick and full of body. She looks great, has fought off cancer in 4 areas and possibly in remission with the 5th. She is a mother of two who inspires me to fight on through anything.

Ok, I'm not able to keep my mind free of Josh, so I walk to the front yard just and recognize another mom walking up the sidewalk. She is a favorite of my kids and even though we don't see each other much, remains adored. We learned just how long it had been since we really chatted when after I gave her the update on the girls' lives, she asked " how is Joshie?"

Wow, can it be she never knew? We've seen one another in passing, but never talked about it. I could feel the color leaving my face on that one. As I shared with her the news of losing Josh 17 months ago to SUDEP, I hear those sounds of pain as the news sets in; the tears and hysteria which accompany her fierce hugs as I share what happened between her apologies and sadness. For that moment I'm back to 17 months ago.

It's Mother's Day and I been reminded that my youngest is gone three times in an hour. This is more than chocolate, wine, crying or anything can help. I think it's time to avoid all outside human contact and thank God I didn't become a complete blubbering fool who melted into the sidewalk when I shared Joshua's loss once again.

Finally, I sit on the patio listening to the water from the fountain my daughters gave me last year. Such a reprieve. The perfect location to 'just be" on this day that most celebrate.

I'm sure it's not a coincidence that I've seen the moms I've seen today. I'm sure it's a reminder from God on this Hallmark Holiday that there is still so much to see and do yet.

I have shed some tears today, and likely will shed more, but they are tears of love and I have been so very blessed to have love in my life.

Happy Mother's Day!

Hugs,
Sherri

Happy Birthday Grandpa

4/4/44...the perfect lottery ticket combo, the perfect numeric combination, and according to my dad, the perfect day for a birthday...HIS birthday!

As always, I called my dad to wish him a Happy Birthday and let him know he was in my thoughts, as usual. He and mom are on their way back home after spending the winter on the West Coast. so I caught him on his cell.

During our conversation we were reminiscing about a special milestone this year..... Dad's Annual Birthday Greeting!  18 years ago today while living overseas, I thought I would be so clever and cute...I dressed Brittany up in a cute little outfit, had her hold a poster, bribed her to be still for 5 seconds, and took a picture. 

What did the poster say? "Happy Birthday Grandpa 1994." I patted myself on the back for my cleverness and didn't think any more about it until those subtle hints started coming around March of the following year.    Many more subtle hints later,  "Where's my birthday photo?" "I sure loved my birthday photo last year.." a tradition was born!

Every year following, the Newmanettes would pose wherever we were on 4/4 and take a picture for Grandpa.''

Paris France

This simple tradition became very interesting when our work transfers allowed us to take these photos  in  Italy, Greece, and even under the Eiffel Tower....that one was kinda fun because people in the surrounding crowd started to join in and wanted their picture taken.  We eventually left the posters there and many photo memories were made, I'm sure.

Such a simple thing took on new meaning last year when we just didn't know what to do.  We wondered, "do we continue the tradition without our sweet ornery one in the photo, or do we stop it and start new traditions with our New Normal?"  I'm not kidding when I say I lost some serious sleep over this dilemma. I didn't want to cause my dad more hurt than he was already feeling but I didn't want to deprive him of any potential joy, so I finally built up the nerve to ask him.

His response just blew me away.....
"I miss Joshua so much and my heart is aching more than I can say, but I am ever so grateful for my granddaughters especially during this time, and I want to see their faces. Please take the photo." We immediately, put together a special poster and the girls smiled for their Grandpa.

Josh having fun

I think this was the first hint that life would go on even when our hearts were broken.  In the midst of loss, we appreciate even more what we have.  I am extremely grateful for his thoughtful response.

This is only one of so many lessons my dad has taught me over the years. This is the man who was 1/2 of a partnership dedicated to raising me in Faith, Kindness and Love.   Who wanted to be a Grandpa by 50, and got his wish with 3 months to spare. 

This is the man who introduced me to the hug!

Once again, I realize I am truly blessed!

Britt and Stephi this year

Happy Birthday Dad! Love you Bunches!

Hugs to You All!
Sherri

Walking a fine line

It's March which means the National Walk for Epilepsy is just around the corner.  We had initially planned to walk it as a family of 5 but when we lost Josh, it became 4 of us + 130 friends and family in memory of our ornery sweet one.

Last year I was so numb through the entire thing and thankful for my dear friend Nancy who organized it and really made it happen.  This year I'm more "with it" and wondering how it will feel this year.  As with last year, several friends and family will trek to Virginia and "walk the walk" with us.  The group is sure to be smaller due to Spring Break opening on the same day, but it will be heartfelt just the same.

Walking for those who can't

I think I am in a better state of mind this year, but I don't think my heart realizes that yet.  It is still so hard to believe he's gone.  Just yesterday I started yelling at the dog and cat roughhousing and I uttered, Josh leave them alone.  15 months and he is still on the tip of my tongue.

A dear friend offering support as we begin the walk

The tears are not as frequent as I believe I am learning to live with our loss, but they are never far away and pop up in a milisecond

We plan to walk with a couple of other teams we have come to know through this entire chapter of epilepsy and it is for those who are still living with epilepsy that we continue to walk and seek a cure.  It's not always easy for people to decide what to fight for, but for me it is easy.  Fight the fight so no other family has to try to learn to live without their sweet ones in their arms.

Hugs,
Sherri

For our sweet ornery one!

When a four-year old can drive a car

Happy Leap Year!  We are very fond of Leap Year in our household since it just so happens that today our sweet Stephanie legally turns 4.  She is especially excited as this means she also will soon receive her driver's license.  It definitely changes your perspective on time doesn't it?!

Stephanie is our shy but thoughtful child who has been the perfect middle child....the diplomat, the lover, the heart.  This child would bring home anything that needed a warm home if we allowed her to.  I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday.  I know many say that but I really mean it...it's a hard day to forget.....

We were living overseas, and our car was in the shop following a serious car accident  just a month earlier which left us relying upon public transportation or taxi services to get around.  Not the ideal situation for a REALLY pregnant woman.

It was February 29th and I was on my way to my regularly scheduled monthly baby appt via a big orange crowded bus.  We reached my stop and just as I stepped off of the bus a man riding a motorcycle on the sidewalk came by and I stepped right on to his moving motorcycle.  You cannot make up this stuff!!!  What was worse was I had 2 year old Brittany in my arms and as I tried to untangle myself, the cyclist decided it was time to move forward again.  Yikes!!!!  I yelled out a few lovely endearing terms in the language of love, managed to dislodge myself from the metal parts and was on my way without a scratch.

Later when I met with Brad at work we all had a good laugh at this story.  When someone said "watch you have the baby tonight" we all just laughed without thought.  Yea right!   I shared with Brad that the doctor assured me we were a few days away from our babies March 3rd due date so I went back home on the big orange bus and continued my cleaning spree.   A few hours later, those familiar bursts of pain told me Stephi was working on her debut.  Of course, since we still did not have a car to take us to the hospital, we summoned a taxi driver.  You can imagine this poor guy's face as he pulled up to see a panicked man nervously assisting a woman ,who has swallowed a watermelon, into his taxi and is letting out little exclamations from time to time.  What surely put him close to the edge was when we had him drive us to our friend's home so we could drop off Brittany first.  As we awaited Brad's return to the taxi  our driver watched my every move like a nervous hawk, and kept needing assurance that I was not going to have this child in his taxi.  I, the woman who has swallowed a watermelon and has tears in her eyes was not really too convincing, I'm afraid.

We finally arrived at our destination where it was confirmed we were indeed in labor.  It was not missed on me that it was February 29th, but it was 8:00 pm so I doubted Stephi would make it before March.  I mean, who gives birth in 4 hours?  My first child took 9.  Of course, I forgot to take into consideration the determination of my OB/GYN, who not held within the legal constraints of US law, decided to slip me a little something call pitocin because he thought it would be good luck to have a child on Leap Year.  Apparently, pitocin without pain meds causes your head to spin 360* and brings out language not heard since "The Exorcist," but low and behold at 11:35 pm, I met my sweet Stephanie face to face.

As was the local custom, the baby was quickly swept away into the baby nursery, and I felt such a loss until we were reunited early the next morning when I pounded on the nursery demanding my baby.

From that day forward she has been the sweet child, the one who was the buffer between my two gregarious children, and the one who made sure noone went to bed angry.

As we have faced these last 15 months without Joshua, she is the one I watch very closely for I know her heart is tender and broken over his loss.  She has witnessed things no child should have to experience and yet she continues to put that big ole heart out there and embrace.

She is the one who has made me responsible for my actions and putting one foot in front of the other and getting back into life because she needs me to be her mom.  She is the one in whom I have discovered so much depth.

Today was a good day.  A gift filled with peace and happiness, because today we were not concentrating on what we have lost but on what we have here now in front of me and how blessed I am to have such a wonderful 4 year old.  It doesn't take the pain away, but it makes life worth living.

Happy Birthday Stephanie! 
Hugs!
Sherri

Inked Love

Today I am sitting here with some new ink on my skin.  This is such a surprise to me since I never thought I would get a tattoo.  I was raised in a conservative household with no alcohol, no smoking, no bad language, and certainly no tattoos. 

As I have grown up and experienced life, I have loosened up on my pre-conceived notions in so many ways.  I'm a much more open person than the one of 20 years ago.  I am less judgemental, but more appreciative.  I realize I know less today than I thought I knew 20 years ago.  I discovered the depth of my empathy and understanding after I lost Joshua to epilepsy last year, as well as discovered that I can survive the worst loss in life...the loss of my child.

Soon after losing Josh, I started noticing so many tiny details that I had missed before, and I suddenly had a yearning for a tattoo.  Hmmmm, where did that come from?

I wear a "Joshua's Smile" wrist band to remember him, and raise awareness of epilepsy.  While great little bracelets, they eventually break,  and I really want something that will be with me all the time. 
This was not spontaneous....I sat on this idea for over a year and during that time I have noticed how many people wear "memorial ink" on them to remember someone they loved.  It has opened up many conversations with people I likely would  have avoided or given plenty of space.  The toughest, wariest-looking person instantly turns softer as they share their story and see you are truly listening to them.  They share such touching stories of loved ones lost, and listening to them has been cathartic to me over the last 15 months.

As for my tattoo, I put it prominently on my wrist and designed it to look like jewelry.  I call it my memorial bracelet.

My girls cannot believe I did this.  46 years old and getting a tattoo!  One of my girls wonders what it will look like when I am 80.  I won't really care because I'll be happy to have reached 80....the fact that I have just admitted being happy is in itself a step in this acceptance of my new normal and it is realized because of some ink on my wrist.....

This ink on my wrist represents loss, it represents memory, respect towards Joshua, and my desire to do things that will make him proud at our pearly gate reunion...I mean afterall, people may not know my name, but they'll know Joshua's so I had better be doing something good when they see his name.

Someone recently said that you may not know God's plan for you, but you will know it when you reach it, and I have to say that the moment I put my son's memory to permanent ink, there was peace. 

One chapter down, what will the next one hold?

Hugs to you!
Sherri

Through my eyes

It has been 14 months since I went to wake my son and discovered he had gained his wings...14 months!  That thought alone blows me away.  I occasionally look back at my journal entries from those first few days and weeks and notice both how I am coping, and how I am not.

I once was one of those who would look at a grieving friend and think "It's been 6 months, why aren't they acting normal?".  Dear friends of our family lost their grown daughter 4 years ago, and when I saw them last, they had no life to them...they were breathing, walking and talking but not much more.  I was amazed...didn't judge them, but wondered what it must be like to hurt so badly that four years hadn't healed them.  Then I found out..........

Now as a bereaved mother I see both sides and I have to say, it is the most surreal thing I've ever experienced.  My day has many of the characteristics that it did before losing Josh, it has to.
We have needs that must be met and life that must go on, so I get up in the morning and get dressed, I get in the car and drive to work, I put in a full day of work performing at a professional level with high demands, then get back in the car to return home.  I greet the kids, start dinner, kiss my hubby, eat dinner together, run kids around and do errands only to collapse in bed at the end of the night.

Here is what has changed...When I get up I am exhausted because I have spent the entire night in and out of fitful sleep still listening to hear Joshua, making sure Brad is breathing, the dog is breathing, and the girls are breathing.

When I get into the shower, I am near tears because I suddenly remember I don't get to wake Joshua up for school or have breakfast with him.

As I pass the busstop where all of Joshua's friends are waiting to grab the bus for school, I fight back tears because I don't get to enjoy those moments in the car taking Joshua to school.  This was my favorite time with him...Our time!  Then I spend my commute listening to christian music trying regain my composure and keep it together for the day I am sure I will never survive.

I work all day with a smile on my face, accomplish my work, but occasionally slip quietly into one of the storage closets because I have been ambushed by a memory or flashback of Joshua either in life or death. 

I drive home, just in time for dinner.  As I begin to set the table I pull out 5 plates...sigh, put one back.  We sit down to a table set for 4 instead of 5.  I see that vacant chair every night.  When my daughter asks, "how many potatoes do I need to peel" I say, "I peel 2 for each of us so 10 potatoes", to which she responds "you mean 8?"   tearful sigh!

I still meet with friends over drinks regularly and have a pretty active social life.  I go to the mall, and the grocery store.    Here is what is now different:

I force myself to leave the house, and socialize because casual conversations are difficult for me.  When I meet with friends and go to parties, friends always give me those knowing hugs, and when they complain about their child not doing their homework, or not picking up their clothes, I wince....if only that was my problem with Josh.  Suddenly, it's hard to be in a happy place.

I am the same body but I am much different.  I live the same life in the same town but it is a profoundly different life now that my son is gone. I am surprised that 14 months later it still aches so deeply, controls my thoughts and emotions, and has taken the life out of me.

The rose colored lenses are removed to face the brutal truth,  but don't worry too much for me.   Through these eyes I see beautiful memories, small moments often overlooked by the casual onlooker, and even the blessings through the hardships for which I am thankful!

Sending You Hugs!
Sherri



 

Broadway and Brittany

A few nights ago I returned from an evening of entertainment...Broadway style.  Our oldest child, Brittany decided to audition and become part of the ensemble that would perform  a mixture of broadway songs for two live performances.  For two weeks she gave every spare moment to this show and the anticipation was great.

Tickets were purchased and plans made to get good seats so we could watch our girl sing!  The curtain opened and the show began with the first number, and then another.  Shortly after I saw my own enter the stage and a warm feeling of pride overcame me....when it came time for her solo, I felt a tear run down my face..my girls are growing up so fast.

The show was truly great and the kids did an excellent job.  During intermission it was a nice time to visit with some of the parents of fellow students. It's easier for me since many of these parents have children the same ages as my three, so they are aware of our loss...I don't have to explain myself. 

I realized I am moving forward.....last year I couldn't even manage to stay seated the whole time....a sad song would bring surges of tears and pain and I would have to leave to catch my breath.  I remember a friend telling me I needed to see the show and when I asked her if there were any sad songs, she replied "no"...then I watched as her own sweet daughter sang the heartclincher "What I did for Love"  

sigh...my heart couldn't take it...out the door I went again.

This year, my own sweet one was up on that stage and the tears were for her.  How long had it been since I cried tears of pride for my surviving children?  At least 13 months!  I did find myself fighting the pangs that Josh wasn't there....he would have fidgited for the majority of the show, been yelled at several times, probably walked in and out of the auditorium, but he would have paused long enough to watch his sister on the stage.  sigh...another heartbreaking moment of emotion.

It's nights like this one that I try not to dwell on the empty chair and be joyful for the smile up on the stage that resembles her dad and has my sense of humor.  It's not easy, but it's the baby steps I need to take to breathe on in this life I now live.

Sending hugs!
Sherri

Seeking Happy Moments in this New Year

I know I know, I've been avoiding life lately.  It's true.  I simplified my life as much as possible as we prepared to experience our 2nd Christmas without Joshua.  We prepared the best we could, I found a beautiful lit angel and surrounded the outside with lights.

We bought presents and put them under the tree and held our breath.  I have to say I surprised myself with my ability to "keep it together" for the sake of our girls.  We made the choice to stay at home and not spend the holidays travelling to be with extended family...that was a wise choice.

The rest of the holidays went fine.....I know that's not very descriptive, but it's the best I can do.  We made it through...had some laughs, had some tears, saw some good movies, and made it through.  Even escaped for a long weekend and visited with my brother and his family.

My brother has been a rock in my world over the last year...I'm not saying I'm surprised, I'm saying I'm so grateful to have someone who knows me so well that I look up in a moment of need, and he is there.  I feel the need to talk, and the phone rings...it's my brother.  I am in a wicked mood and want to be nasty...I call my brother..he's used to it, been that way for over 40 years now.

We also celebrated my birthday....not so exciting other than I am now typing on my brand new laptop thanks to my darling hubby, though I have to ask, is this kinda like receiving a vacuum or blender?  hmmmm

The big event came as we celebrated 18 years of motherhood.....Brittany turned 18!!!!  I wish I could say it's hard to believe, but it's been a long 18 years..not complaining, just been involved in every minute over the last 18 and I am so grateful I have this sweet young woman in my life.

Now that we are in 2012, I have some choices ahead....I was not able to wish anyone a Happy New Year.. I'm just not there this year, but perhaps over the next 12 months, my heart will mend enough to begin enjoying those magical moments waiting ahead such as watching my oldest walk across the stage to receive her diploma,  followed shortly at summer's end by leaving her at college and not looking back for fear of her seeing my complete meltdown.

I truly do hope to someday on the sooner side be able to add a "Happy" to the hope of a new year, and to get there I will look for that moment in everyday where you can find a smile.  For now it will be a hopeful "May you find a happy moment in every day this year".

Hugs,

Sherri

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

I work with a great group of people.  A group that met me just two weeks after we buried Josh and who have shown great empathy, concern, and support from day one.  They have seen the tears and offered hugs even though we are in a society that frowns upon public displays of affection especially in the professional arena.  Honestly, I'm not sure I would have been able to work without them.

A fun loving group who like creative challenges, several of them decided to give up sugar for the entire month of November.... the rules were if they ate anything with processed sugar, they had to pay $10.00.  They asked me to join them in the challenge but when I explained how much I would be relying on chocolate to get through the most dreaded month of the year, they understood completely.  November 1st the challenge was on!

Those of us weaker than they tried to tempt them with some awesome baked goods, and refreshments, but to no avail.   They all did beautifully, even over Thanksgiving....  I was so proud of them that I  bought them sugary donuts for December 1st.

Last week one of them quietly came over to my workspace and I could tell he had something to say but wasn't quite sure how to go about it.

I smiled and said, "hey what's up?"  I guess the smile did it.  He quietly said "we all talked about what to do with the sugar money and we unanimously decided we wanted to give it to you to donate to a charity of your choice in Joshua's name.  It only seemed right since we did it in November".

I was touched beyond words as I tearfully accepted the money and promised to let them know what we did with it. 

I shared their kind gesture with Brad that evening and we both realized a big decision must be made much sooner than later.  'How do we keep the memory of Joshua alive in a way that shows how caring he was?'  There are so many needs and so much to consider....there is the epilepsy walk to raise money for research,  there are things to help in the now in the way of seizure dogs, cee cee comfort bears, sudep awareness, monitors. 

It will have to wait a while though because we are still very much in the struggle of grief and this is only our second Christmas without Joshua..the first full blown one now that shock has turned to reality.  One thing that has already helped get through this season, is a token of kindness that came from some very special people...in other words a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

I know we are not alone in our struggles and I want to send Hugs to those of you who will sit at a table with one or more empty seats this season.  May you find a moment of peace during this challening time.

Hugs!
Sherri

An Evening in December

A few years ago as I gradually worked my way back into the workforce from full time mom, I had the opportunity to work for a Christian women's speaker we will call "my friend" who was able to share the word of our Lord using her great sense of humor. 

I was her ministry assistant which usually enabled me great flexibility and the ability to work from home when the kids were in school, but occasionally required me to bring Joshua to her home since he was only in school part time for preschool and later kindergarten.

My friend has a beautiful home that she likes to keep tidy so when Joshua first started coming with me, I was nervous he would mess things up, hurt their sweet tiny dog, or worse yet break something special.  My friend would hear none of it...when I would warn Josh, she would give him a big hug and tell him to have fun.  When I told him to leave her dog alone, she said nonsense.  It was obvious pretty early on that Josh had won my friend's heart and time after time, she would spoil my little son.

The time came for me to resign as we were moving overseas, and my friend came by the house to say goodbye to all of us.  There were tears in both our eyes as we said our goodbyes, and I remember watching and laughing as she gave a long hug to a squirming Josh.

Shortly after our return to the US, I ran into her at the post office where we did the post office line catch up and then were on our way with the promise to meet up and catch up for real when life settled down a bit.

A few weeks after our chance meeting when I found myself in the darkest moments of my life facing the death of my son, all I could think about was how I needed to talk with  my friend.  I knew she was likely travelling and unreachable so I left her a message.  Miraculously, within two hours she was at  our door eyes full of tears all the while speaking with us about love, loss and faith in a way that was exactly what I needed to hear at such a devastating time.  At the end of her visit as we gathered around the kitchen holding hands she prayed this prayer "Lord, help us to forgive those who say silly things, may we realize what is in their hearts and not what comes from their mouths".  This prayer has carried me through some very awkward moments and spoke to me many times in the last year.

Three weeks after Joshua's death I felt the need to attend my friend's annual Christmas Celebration for Women, and take some girlfriends with me.  As she began her message, she read a note from her friend Sherri...I stopped breathing for a few seconds...as she spoke sharing the words I offered to that even in the darkness we must seek JOY, she had to stop for a few moments before she could continue to share my story as a mother who lost her son under very sad circumstances before a crowd of 800 ladies.   At this point, I was reduced to loud sobs..there was no hiding the bittersweet moment.  That moment when someone talks about your loss without fear, who admits in public the pain and how we must take it day by day, sometimes breath by breath.

She then went on to share the story of a mother by the name of Mary who also faced the loss of her Son, and all the while she was Fearless, Flexible and Faithful.  The whole experience moved the entire crowd and noone was spared  of needing a tissue to dab their tears.

My friend has kept tabs on me throughout this past year which is incredible to me given her heavy travel schedule, and when I went to this year's Christmas evening, I was touched when she made mention of Joshua again.  As an honored surprise, her friend, Kathy, shared with us a song she wrote and recorded recently that was partially inspired by "those we have lost, including one sweet little boy we lost last Thanksgiving".

As she sang "Missing You This Christmas" which she dedicated to our brave men and women in the armed services, I cried a river.  It was so beautiful.

I am always amazed at the impact my ornery one continues to have on so many people, and how lucky I am to be his mom.  It is truly a gift to remember this evening in December.

Here is the song...May it bless you this Christmas Season!
Hugs!
Sherri

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-kxZbDE9Rk

Tis the Season

It has been crazy couple of weeks into this holiday season. We made it through the Angelversary, and headed right in to the season of giving!  We're doing a little better this year.  We put up some outside lights and even bought a tree and put it in the living room.....where it has sat for a week now unadorned.

It was at this point I have stalled.  A huge part of the reason is this week has a been a difficult one as we said goodbye to our big ole lazy loveable cat Bleu.  I remember when we bought him 12 years ago.  We had moved back to Ohio and had just built our new home after living overseas for several years.  The girls were pleading for a kitten, but Joshua was about 18 months old and a typical boy, so the search for a passive cat was a must. 

Bleu was the perfect match for our family.  He was dressed up, walked for miles in doll strollers, laid upon, and loved upon by 3 rambunctious children.  He became our purring pillow and a true member of our family.

When Bleu's eye started swelling last Spring we were concerned when the vet couldn't tell us what it was.  A second opinion diagnosed conjunctivitis (pink eye) that would eventually heal.  Over the months we medicated the eye but it worsened and when a limp appeared, I feared the worse. 

One week before Joshua's Angelversary we received the devastating news "Bleu was full of cancer and had days to live"  My girls were devastated!  This cat had sat with them to listen to their concerns, loved without judgement, soothed them through the darkest year of their lives...and we didn't voice it but knew he was also a tie to Joshua.

I pleaded with the doctor to help us get him past November 20th.  As I shared our story, she quickly put together a package of meds so the girls could love on their beloved friend a little longer.  Bleu did beautifully for several days until Thursday when I received a frantic sobbing call at work from the girls "Bleu has collapsed and can't walk..... get home NOW!"  I dropped everything and raced home to find two girls with that pain their eyes I had seen before...the look of loss.

We took Bleu to our vet who allowed us to say our goodbyes, and hold our sweet kitty as he fell asleep in our loving arms and awakened in the arms of the boy who loved him so!

Our home was again a very sad place and under normal circumstances I would have waited a little while to broach the subject of a new kitten, but I wanted so badly to take away the sadness so, I suggested we go to the humane society and just begin to look around. 

We were met at the door with the sign "we are filled beyond capacity with cats...." walked into the nursery and saw three little "mini Bleus" which brought tears to our eyes.  The girls began to work around the nursery and saw two kittens that met their desired criteria, but they were adopted right before our eyes.  Just beyond the children holding their new babies was a gray medium hair cat with tufts of hair coming out of his ears and a big fluffy tail.  For some reason, both girls honed in on him.  He purred so loud you could hear him several feet away, and he was very laid back.

After playing with him, we decided to go to cat a fair down the street and just see if there was a kitten that matched their perceived wishes.  The girls were so excited, and while there were very cute kittens at the fair, they just could not forget the gray.  We decided to return to see if he was still there. we had been cautioned that the kittens usually get adopted by 11 am and it was noon.

By this time Stephi was pleading for me to break all sound barriers, and consider paved roads optional to get us back to the humane society.  We walked back into the building, and both girls ran into the nursery.  What happened next is burned into my memory......  Both girls came out beaming saying "He's still here, he was meant to be ours".  Thank you God for that moment of happiness.

Paperwork was filled out, payments made, and we now begin a new chapter of life with this sweet gray kitten whom we get to pick up on Friday.

This doesn't change anything.  Joshua is still gone and so is Bleu.  Our hearts still miss them both dearly and constantly, but it does bring something that we have needed for so long.  HOPE!

I love this......Several members of our church met to form the word "Hope" in candles.  The  thing about hope is it may not be perfect, but in all ways it is beautiful.

In him was life, and that life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:4-5


May You live this Christmas season with pure joy and happiness full of the gifts God has given.  May you hug often and make the days of many who see your smile.

Hugs,
Sherri

Mama has Geetar Lessons

I always wanted a musically talented family.  In the early years, I wanted to marry Donny Osmond which would assure me of my goals, but since he's a tad bit older, I guess he couldn't wait for me.

After I got over Donny and moved on with my life a few years, I fell for and married a piano man.   Now Brad does not look like your typical pianist, in fact it always throws people off seeing my gentle giant sit down before a piano to tickle the keys, but once they hear him, the requests keep coming.

Each of the Newmanettes took piano lessons, but Brittany is the only one who stuck with it.   In fact at the end of this school year, her final year, she and her father will follow the tradition of our piano community and play Celebration Duet at the year end recital.  I don't even want to think of the tears I'll shed on that one.

OK one child plays piano, check.....onto the next instrument.  I held this lovely image of Josh on a stage singing in his perfect pitched voice a beautiful song to his mother.  I tried my best to convince my ornery one that he needed to learn how to play guitar;  After what was surely an effective persuasion on my part, I  gave him the option between sports and guitar lessons....He chose sports!!!....WHAT WAS HE THINKING?  Sports over music?!!

I dutifully stood on the sidelines embarassing the heck out of my boy with my verbal support, but inside I never really lost my dream of watching Josh play guitar until last November when all the dreams I had for him died along with him.

Those dreams sat dormant for a long time, until I realized I needed to do something to keep my sanity...in one swift swoop of plastic, I bought myself a guitar and a few easy lessons.

I was so proud of myself for doing something ..this was definitely a step in the right direction towards healing.  At the first lesson, I informed my teacher that I didn't want to stress out, was definitely not on the fast track for success and considered every week I was present at the lesson a success.  How did he respond?  He moved out of the area!  Second instructor...same thing!

I am pretty vulnerable these days, and take things more personally than I probably should but I trudged forward.  I decided it was probably not a sign from God that I was hurting his ears when I played and I would give it one more try. 

Three months later, I am happy to report that I am not my teacher's worst student, he supports my lack of goals wholeheartedly, and we are both encouraged that while I may stink, it takes a lot of practice to stink this bad.  The point is I am working through it and staying with something.  Not that it has been easy....my memory is really bad these days,  and my coordination is pitiful as my body tries to heal over the loss of Joshua.  It's frustrating at times because I know how quickly I should be picking this up, but it's not happening that way this time.  I am learning patience!

I don't know what I'll do with my growing talent, maybe someday I'll accompany one of my daughter's with their angelic soprano voices, or maybe it will become a tool of worship, I mean afterall, I have received nothing but positive encouragement from one of my ministers.   "Hey, I think it's great what you're doing and if you want to practice your guitar in public we can put you up there with the church band...don't worry we don't even have to turn on the microphone."  Now that's my kind of performance!  

One day I will show Josh what he missed when I see him at the pearly gates.  By then I hope to be able to play a beautiful song just for him!

Hugs!
Sherri

Rose colored lens

I have been so naive. I am by my very nature, an optimist, and while my ability to remember names is a gift, I'm thankful my memory forgets to hold grudges or stay angry longer than 2 minutes.

As I am 1/2 way through my 5th decade, I have experienced so many things, natural disasters, the murder of my friends and years later my Papau, and most recently the shattering of my heart when my son Joshua died from SUDEP.

Until Joshua died, when people would ask me how I was doing I would always say "just another day in paradise" and mean it. I loved me life. Not that my life was peaceful, afterall, I am the married working mother of three. Any of those descriptions alone can mean crazy life but together they are insanity. Yet, somehow it fits me!

I am a changed woman in some ways for the better....I once had the ability to look at hardships and glean over them just like so many other people. I used to see the news as it showed highlights of the day. Murder, robbery, pain pain pain and I would think "oh those poor people" and move on to the next thing. Now that I am a statistic and have joined a club I have no desire to be a member of, bereaved parent, my eyes have been blown wide open.

This weekend the news covered the raging antics of a single person who murdered 78 people, mostly young people, to make a personal point. In the old days I would have talked about it with friends "around the water cooler" and we all would have shook our heads in disbelief for a few days...genuinely so, but my level of involvement would have been submarginal at best. Fast forward to life now and I am plain heartbroken because I know that for each person who was murdered, there is at least one person and likely many more whose world is crashing around them and they feel like they can't breathe. At the same time, thousands of good people, including those who walk in their faith are stepping up to comfort, and help those whose loss is so great.

Once you lose someone so close it's amazing how tuned in you become to the world around you even as your body is tuning out of your day to day. You see so much more of the picture while nursing your broken heart.

My hope is for the great stories of love that will eventually come out of this disaster. I personally feel that something good has to come from the loss of each and every life....there will be a great light that will shine brighter because they were part of us and impacted our lives in ways we can't even imagine.

Even as my heart is breaking I am praying to God for hope and comfort for the newest members of a club noone chooses to join...that of a bereaved parent.

May God cradle them into his loving arms and hold them at this time when they are too weary to hold themselves up.

Hugs,
Sherri

Easter - A Mother's Comfort-written Easter Morning 2010

I was sitting in church this morning listening to the sermon and realized that Easter is fast approaching.  My first hint was the easter baskets coming in with parishioners to be delivered to those less fortunate.  A twinge of guilt struck as I realized any other time, we would be delivering  three baskets full of goodies to add to the collection.  This year is different,  as the mother of a new angel, I am quickly learning that I am in my own little world with my own little calendar that is blank because I can't focus enough to write anything on it. 

This week's lesson was on Simon Peter denying Christ 3 times and how he would be forgiven and go on to do so many wondrous things.  Food for thought.  Hmmm,  we are in that time of year when all lessons are aimed at the Easter story of loss and resurrections.  It suddenly occurred to me that this Easter I will see the story in a different light.  This year, I believe I will be living through the story through the eyes of a Mother, much like Mary, Mother of Christ.

Now in no way am I comparing myself to Mary, other than as a mother, and in no way am I making Joshua out to be like Jesus.  Joshua was not born of a blessed virgin mother, and while they both have a Heavenly Father, Joshua was brought into this world the same as so many....two loving biological parents bonded in marriage and the committment of raising our children with christian values.

But, this year, I am caught on the emotional side.  I can't help but put myself in Mary's heart as she watched in anguish as her son grew up in danger of death, watched him suffer so dreadfully at the hands of other men, and watched her son die right before her eyes and there was nothing she could do about it.  She helped prepare his body to be laid to rest and began the journey of shock and desperation at the loss of her first born son.

Having watched my son move with grace through the life of an epileptic and being the one who found him that sad morning, I feel a special bond to Mary's life this Easter season.  What an incredibly strong and faithful woman she must have been.  What an inspiration to abide by.

I fall so short of her life and I am a bit envious with one part.  She was blessed to see her son rise again after his death.  She saw that there is life everafter, and that is something I wish I had experienced, but through faith must be patient to see.

We all have heard the story of how thrilled they were to see him, and I look forward to the same experience some day.  When the day comes to see my boy, I plan to leap through those pearly gates into his arms!

Happy Easter!

Roller coasters and cupcakes

It came.  The day I had been dreading more than any other....June 8th...  Joshua's 13th birthday!  The last party he had plans for.   Since it's mid July you know the outcome, I survived, but it has taken me this long to put it into thoughts.

We first made the decision that none of us could function in our normal day to day setting, but we also didn't want to sit at home and cry all day.  That would not honor our boy at all!  So we did what he would have loved to do..... we went to the local amusement park, King's Dominion, and rode roller coasters!

Our first stop, however, was Joshua's school where we anonymously delivered 102 cupcakes for his classmates.  It seemed like the right thing to do...Josh would have begged to do it if we was sitting next to me.  The four of us packed up the car, walked into the stunned front office with our boxes of "sugar rush in a cup," handed out hugs, delivered our packages to his teacher (we had worked it out with her prior) and were on our way.

At the park it was very hot and sticky but we had a great time together.  People think it's great to hit the parks when they are less crowded because they get to ride so many rollercoasters over and over....well, now I'm not so sure because at some point  your body eventually begins to tell you it wants a break.

At one point I listened to my body and took a catnap under some shady trees as the younger Newmans continued their rollercoaster blitz.

Somehow being together as a family on this day remembering our ornery boy made it possible to breath in and breath out for an entire day.

At the end of the day as we dragged our aching bodies out of the park I noticed we were sharing funny stories about Josh.  All of us were laughing and smiling and I realized how blessed we are to have had one ornery little boy who made such a difference in our lives.

Hugs,
Sherri

The light at the end of the tunnel

I made a decision to seek Joy. 

It was a very hard decision to make given the current aching for my ornery sweet Joshua but I had to do something....what I'm doing now isn't working, and I have begun to realize how long I could potentially be here.  When the time comes to see Joshua and those who have passed before me, I will likely be asked what I've been up to....I want to be able to say 'I've been busy trying to leave things on Earth a little better than when I came'. 

There's also the fact that I know beyond a doubt that Joshua would be really mad at me for crying all the time and being sad.  He hated that!  He had such a zest for life.

Does this mean I will stop crying?  Not hardly

Is my heart healed?  Still shattered beyond repair

Am I over losing the boy who I hugged, cuddled and loved every day of my life for the last 12 1/2 years?  Not in a million years!!!

It means when I get up in the morning I will pray to God in desperation to help me find the joy in the day and to serve His purpose for my life. 

It has occurred to me... and to those who have known me for a long time that there is no coincidence  I have lived through the murders of my 2 friends, my Papau, and now the sudden loss of my son.  There has to be something good that will come out of this.  I have no clue what that is....not even an inkling, but I know in due time, it will happen as it was intended in God's plan.

I expect I will continue to have my moments and my bad days along with many "firsts" to come in the ensuing months, but with God's grace I am finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and when I reach the end, it will be beautiful beyond belief.

Hugs to you all!
Sherri