Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

Roller Coasters and Chocolate...a winning combination

It was a  beautiful day when I rolled out of bed yesterday.  I knew it was going to be a special day when I turned over and looked into the eyes of two eager teenage girls and it wasn't even 8am!  What could drag them out of bed on a day they didn't have school?  Roller Coaster Day!

Roller Coaster Day is a tradition we started to celebrate Joshua's 13th birthday last year...now we are celebrating his 14th birthday! So hard to believe a year has passed.

Throughout all the trials of living without Josh, I have learned it's a good  idea to listen to my girls and how they wish to handle the challenging situations that arise in this new normal.  Every time I want to sit in a dark corner and cry, I just follow them instead and I am better for it.  Last year it was THEIR idea to ride roller coasters instead of sitting at home with the shades drawn like I was leaning towards.   We ended up actually having a great experience last year remembering Joshy while doing what he loved, and a new tradition was born. 

This year Stephi chose Hershey Park which was fine with me since it involved eating lots of chocolate...need I say more?!  We took the Newmanettes to the same park several years ago when Josh was barely in school so the park holds some happy memories.


Britt 11, Stephi 9, Joshua 7 with their new friend

We had also planned on being "cupcake angels" where we drop off cupcakes for the entire 6th grade class at Joshua's school but we found out we couldn't do it because they wouldn't be around...they were going to Hershey Park!  There is no such thing as coincidences!

We first stopped for a chocolate appetizer....big ole Reeses cups...a Josh favorite.  No sooner did we walk into the park than we began running into moms and kids from school. We grabbed hugs from several moms as well as from Joshua's former teachers and saw the familiar 6th grade tshirts running throughout the park. 

Hangin with some of Joshua's teachers!

One of the challenges with riding roller coasters for Josh is you have to do what he would do, which means ride the fastest, toughest roller coaster as soon as possible and as many times as possible.  Yikes! 

For one day the conversations take on a happy tone as we relive the Josh memories and WWJD (What Would Josh Do?)  It's a great way to celebrate our sweet ornery one and I am so glad my girls make it happen.

I admit it took a lot of effort to do this both physically and mentally and by 3:00 Brad and I were leaning on each other wanting for our comfy bed.  We're not sure if it is the grief or old age, but I prefer to blame the grief.  It doesn't matter because it is all worth it when we walk out arm and arm with our girls who have those smiles and a good new memory to add to our blessings.  For one day, they can have a somewhat normal family day, which I know they treasure.

After we returned that evening, I kissed everyone goodnight and went to Joshy's room to have my own time with my memories. It's what I would be tempted to do all day if left to my own wishes and would bring pity, but at the end of a day of celebration of his life, it takes on a special air of it's own and I just spend time with my sweet boy who I so love and miss!

He was so ornery, keeping him with us in a park was a constant challenge; He was so much fun, helping us to enjoy the simplest things, and oh how he loved roller coasters!  I am so lucky that I got to ride so many with him while he was here.

Happy Birthday Joshua, sweet angel boy!

Hugs!!!
Mom