Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

Twinkle twinkle

Our little Christmas tree is up and spinning.  I hope it keeps twinkling and spinning;  I took extraordinary measures to keep Stealth kitty away.  I put pinecones under the tree because someone said cats don't like the feel of them, I sprayed STAY AWAY on the branches, and lathered Vaseline on the light wires per recommendations from Facebook friends.  Word to the wise Stealth Kitty...stay away from those wires.

The tree was today's only achievement even though I stayed home from work;  I wasn’t sick, just incredibly tired after Joshua's 5K.

Doctors warn that grief causes energy levels to bottom out, and stamina, becomes a memory.  I have found that to be true for us.  We’re three years into this journey and both Brad and I start clock watching at 9:00 pm waiting for 10:00 to hit so we can fall asleep without disgrace.

When the big dates come around like Joshua's birthday and Angelversary, or the epilepsy/sudep events are over, I find myself ready to collapse.  It’s usually not the day after the event, but a couple of days later once the adrenalin wears off!

Today was that day!  I woke up to take a shower and then I just knew I needed to hit the covers again and sleep.  When I woke up a couple of hours later,  I put up the little tree we decorate with White House ornaments and patriotic ornaments, dressed up the stairwell in ribbons and bows and set up my newest decoration.

I'm trying.....See if you can tell what I’m seeking this Christmas Season.

 

Hugs,

Sherri

 

A New Milestone

Stephi and Brad went off to a country music concert, Britt is at school, so that means I am left at home with only Stealth kitty and my old pup.  Usually these nights mean sad movies, a bottle of wine, tissues, and photos.

It starts with a nice meal and a glass of wine, it next evolves to another glass and watching a "5 tissue" sad movie.  Then the photos and mementos come out;  They are photos and videos of Josh and the girls together.  By this point I am a blubbering mess asking God WHHHHHHHHhhyyyyyyyy?

Josh gets a head check from a furry friend.
 

It lasts for about 2-3 hours, before I am spent and drag myself to bed where I dream of what was. Usually dreams of the Newmanettes when they were younger and usually they are happy.

Josh on a fast food dinner run. 

You may be one of the sweet ones who try to understand and call this a necessary cleansing.  I call it my necessary evil.  There are those who may not like the addition of wine, but the daily mask I wear is so iron-clad, sometimes it takes a glass of wine to loosen the mask off.

I figured last night would go the usual route, but ya know what? Sometime in June I could feel I made a step in my healing, and last night, I just didn’t feel like taking the usual path.  What I did do was organize and clean in a frenzy, and then I sat and watched some action movies.

I admit I did look at 2 videos, a couple of photos and did shed a couple of tears, but I also laughed.

This is indeed a milestone towards finding my Joy!

You must learn a new way to think before....you can master a new way to be. Marianne Williamson

Hugs!
Sherri

Here are some of my go to "sad" movies:
The Fifth Quarter
P.S. I Love You
Terms of Endearment
My Sister's Keeper
Where The Heart Is
Steel Magnolias
Shadowlands

Senior Blessings-Enjoy the Moment

It happened...Brittany graduated.  

Just yesterday I was  tossing and turning unable to get comfortable with that big belly in front, cleaning every inch of the house, and popping Tums for indigestion.  Hours later I found myself gazing at the small bundle in the clear bassinet realizing I was a mom. Wow, what a life changer!   

18 years later I was unable to sleep, feverishly cleaning every inch of the house,  and popping Tums for indigestion as I prepared for another life changer....the bundle's graduation.  My little bundle is now a statuesque brunette is chomping at the bit to start the next chapter of her life...college.  Once again my heart is bursting with love and pride that I am her mom.

I won't lie, there  has been a dark cloud overhead fueled by Joshua's 14th birthday  smack dab in the middle of all the celebration, and at times my sadness has threatened to overtake me.... until a dear friend set me straight. 

This friend looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You have been given the blessing of watching Brittany graduate, something we all want but sadly don't always get to do.....ENJOY THE MOMENT!!!!".  

God sent the perfect messenger in the form of a bereaved mom whose own son accepted his diploma from his hopsital bed too weak to attend his graduation.  Sadly, he earned his wings a few short months later. 

I had her words in my head during senior blessing at church.  Each parent was asked to send photos for the event and while I was seriously tempted to send the one with her asleep on the comode, or the ones with bad haircuts and self painted faces, I decided to save those for her wedding and just send in normal photos!

The evening of the blessing, I wasn't sure I could do it, and prayed for strength.  By the grace of God we made it through and were touched by the our daughter's loving response.

Here is the excerpt of our words.

It is happening...our little girl is growing up and moving on without us there to hold her hand.

  At times there is a moment of panic your dad and I share as we think and pray “Lord, we haven’t taught her everything she needs to know yet, we need just a little more time” but God’s steadfast presence assures us that he will build on those things we have strived to teach you…faith, love, kindness, charity, strong work ethic and the power of prayer. .....

No, we are not happy that our baby is all grown up, but we can't help but smile as we realize that God has plans for you, and thankfully, we'll be there to see it all unfold as He has directed.

Graduation day.....We sat in the bleachers cheering our little girl wearing her graduation cap with a photo of Josh safely tucked inside.  In that moment as she walked across the stage,  I felt extremely proud and blessed FOR WHAT IS!

Congratulations Brittany!!!

Hugs,
Sherri

Splash of Joy

Today was a good day!  In fact, it was a very good day in a difficult year long journey that began when I went to awaken my ornery one and found he had gained his wings.

Joshua is the youngest of my three children.  Yes, I have three children and while I have lost one from this world, I have two lovely daughters very much alive with dreams that are coming a step closer everyday. 

My oldest daughter Brittany is a high school senior with big hopes and dreams.  She has suffered greatly with the loss of her little brother Joshua; She has overcome grief induced depression to reclaim her bubbly personality.  She has shown me a strength and faith that I am in awe of. 

Brittany has long had dreams of becoming a storm chaser...it's all my fault.  I let them watch "Twister" when they were little and she loved it. So did Josh, so much so, that one day in the grocery store, he let out a string of profanities that I recognized were from the same movie.  My response?  It sat on the shelf for two years until they could learn to use good judgement.

Now the day approaches, where Brittany will leave us in a less permanent way but it will be difficult for certain....more change....ughhh.  Can't things stay the same?  We have visited several campuses..... she knows where she wants to go, and I am panic-stricken....University of Oklahoma is sooo far from Virginia.  I have already lost one child, how can I bear to lose my oldest and then her sister two years following?  I am hyperventilating just thinking about this.  If she needs me, how can I get to her quickly?  If she falls and gets hurt, who will catch her?

 I know in my heart what I must do.  I have raised them to be self sustaining, independent citizens and now the time has come to trust my teaching and molding.

Today it arrived in the mail....the Holy Grail of parcels.....the acceptance to University of Oklahoma.   I take the package to her and she opens it up and cries tears of joy...can that be?  Joy?  She wanted this so badly, has gone through so much this last year, and finally, yes finally, something is going right in her life. Her tears are contagious and I hold her in my arms as I have done since she was first laid in them almost 18 years ago.  How can that be?  She was just 4 yesterday.....

Later this evening, the house is bustling with laughter and teenergy.  There are a dozen teenagers enjoying time together as they celebrate this holiday season.  I say holiday as there are christian, Jewish, and other faiths gathered together to celebrate friendship in the season of giving.  Her friend looks over at her and says, "Brittany, you look happy" She really does!

My younger daughter Stephi sits quietly reading with our new kitten nuzzling her neck.  She is still discovering her dreams, but they are coming, and she is very busy caring for and taking charge of this new "stealth kitty".  Thank goodness his collar has a bell on it so we can keep track of him.  I thank God she will be here a little longer to watch over.

Today is truly a splash of joy in our lives.  A dark cloud has threatened as I lament that one ornery boy is not here to show his excitement, but I can imagine him looking down and then leaping for joy and suddenly the darkness lifts.

This is surely the first of many good days...how will my heart cope with joy?

Hugs,

Sherri

A little down tonight

There's no cute title, no movie comedy relief, just the straight shot of missing my ornery one tonight. It has been 11 months which is so hard to believe. I feel I have betrayed Josh in a way, in the fact that I have been able to live this long without my Josh....Don't judge and Don't rush to my side. This is merely the rationale of a mother who has lost her son. There is much to live for, and I do intend to do so some day. I have managed to find my smile again..mostly when I look at those two teenagers I call mine.

But there are moments like this when nothing can help me, no words of comfort, no hugs, no scripture. Tears come naturally, and I am alone with the heartache of loss.

I cannot believe my child is dead. Me, the suburban mom who had everything, now has experienced the hardest thing there is to experience. I am not worthy of this responsibility and I am not strong enough to be the mother of a lost child.

In some cultures it is an honor to be the mother of a deceased child. I do not live in one of those cultures and the only honor I feel is that I was able to bring that sweet boy into the world and love him and his sisters with my whole heart and being.

I am getting a little used to the new normal...I admit it, I don't put up 5 fingers to the restaraunt hostess, I don't work my schedule around Joshua's, and he is no longer part of my daily routine. He remains in my thoughts constantly but it is different.

At the same time, I long for him, struggle to move on without him, and let his sisters continue to live their lives more than 10 feet away from me at any time. The anxiety is overwhelming at times.

I know God is good and God has a plan, but right now I just wanna be an immature mom who can scream, cry, cuss, throw things and be angry that my perfect family will never be perfect again.

Now as the rest of my family slumbers, I sit here trying to remember that sweet face with a big smile on it. The visions of that day still haunt me and will likely for a lifetime. I have PTSD...me, a little blonde surburbanite whose world is a cushy 15 mile radius, I suffer from the same syndrome that soldiers hardened by war and great trauma suffer from.

I miss my sweet boy and I want him back! Give him back to me...take me instead, I think as I plead but alas, he has no reason to come back to me...he is seizure free, lovin' his new "life" and is likely talking the ear off of the Holy One and anyone who will listen. It is me who has the problem, not him!

I am learning to live a life of joy, but there will be moments like tonight where I must embrace what is.