Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

Pillows

There are so many ways people grieve and if you read anything on the subject it says there is no wrong way to grieve as long as you are not showing self destructive behavior or hurting others. 
So I guess relying on pillows and stuffed animals for sanity falls in the "it's ok" column. 

How many of us have hugged our pillows and cried into them to express our sadness over something?  I know I have worn out many pillows with my tears over the years.  It started out over being punished and sent to my room by my parents and just progressed from there. (if only my biggest sadness today was being grounded for not getting home in time...).

In these days of  personal heartbreak  two pillows and one special stuffed animal in Joshua's room helps me gauge the state of my family's grief and healing.... one day the pillows are crumpled up in a ball hugged so tightly that they stay scrunched until I fluff them out,  the next time they lie flat and  Joshua's "brownie boy dog" has been pulled close alongside where someone quietly laid on his bed , another time the pillows are still wet with tears, and on occasion, it's evident that the pillows have been thrown against the wall in anger.

These pillows never fight back, they just receive, and they never complain.  They are the perfect friend to my family...they are there whenever needed to just hold, to cry into, soothe, or just listen.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't pay a bit of attention to pillows, but given what my family has been through, watching these pillows gives me some peace knowing my family is working through their grief and remembering our sweet ornery boy. 

Joshua with his tattered and torn blankie in bed

I think we are all hoping we will feel just a bit closer to Josh in his room and these pillows he laid his head upon.  In his room amongst his pillows we find comfort, a safe haven for pure emotion and walls that keep our secrets.  The pillows are a sad substitute for hugs from our boy, but they help us remember those vivid memories and sensations of those bear hugs.

I have no immediate plans to change a thing.  These pillows will be there in their place whenever they are needed, and I will continue to wash them and keep this safe haven clean, cozy and inviting.

It's the simple things that can sometimes make the biggest difference.

Sending Hugs!
Sherri

Teenage Daughters

Country music artist Martina McBride has a new catchy song playing on the radio these days.

I love Martina...she always seems to record songs that reflect my life at whatever phase of life I'm living. There was "Happy Girl" when my kids were in elementary school and we were living in the Mom Mobile with all their activities, "This One's For the Girls" which coincided with my discovery that I now needed "my blonde in a bottle" to cover grays, "God's Will" which taught me to appreciate everyday together because it's a gift, "Anyways" which talks about love and loss and loving again, and now my new anthem, "Teenage Daughters" which shares sweet teen daughters are but how much energy they take to raise.

I love my daughters, I really do...they are turning out to be very kind, caring, intelligent women with much to offer in the years ahead. They also try my patience to the very core of my being.

I can't believe they have grown tall enough to look down on me, but they both have. One blessing from that is the feet required to support their heighth cannot fit into any of my shoes.

They have both experienced a traumatic loss and yet been able to smile and love again. They are amazing souls who could serve as an example in living life after loss.

So many articles and stories warn how living siblings are often the forgotten statistic of loss as their bereaved parents try to just make it day to day following the loss of a sibling. So sad, but so easy to do. In my own experience, my first instinct as the terror unfolded that morning was the safety and well-being of my girls. Friends took them away from the house and cared for them and loved on them all day. I ran back and forth between houses because I didn't like them being out of my sight!

I still fight anxiety when I go to wake the girls or kiss them as I leave for work. I fight the anxiety to let them out of my sight at all, but I know I must. I know I have to give them some semblance of "normalcy" and just let them know how proud I am and how much I love them.

They have been my comfort and my worry. They are my reason for living ... I tell folks that I seek Joy because I want my girls to want to be around me...to return to a warm home once they go to college in 1/3 years respectively.

There are some things I can't help such as the moments of despair that can hit me in a flash or my loss of memory due to the trauma, but there are things I can do for those two crazy teens who live on. I can care for them and guide them even in those moments when sending them to Grammy's house sounds like a better idea.

Just as Martina sings...

*They're beautiful, wild and free. Everything we wish we could be..
But they're still crazy, oh you know, they make us crazy

I ain’t complainin’, but I’m just tired, so I’m just sayin’ what I think
And if we’re being honest than honestly, I think I need a drink.

Hugs to all our wonderful Teenage Daughters.

* "Teenage Daughters," Martina McBride & The Warren Brothers