The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

Pillows

There are so many ways people grieve and if you read anything on the subject it says there is no wrong way to grieve as long as you are not showing self destructive behavior or hurting others. 
So I guess relying on pillows and stuffed animals for sanity falls in the "it's ok" column. 

How many of us have hugged our pillows and cried into them to express our sadness over something?  I know I have worn out many pillows with my tears over the years.  It started out over being punished and sent to my room by my parents and just progressed from there. (if only my biggest sadness today was being grounded for not getting home in time...).

In these days of  personal heartbreak  two pillows and one special stuffed animal in Joshua's room helps me gauge the state of my family's grief and healing.... one day the pillows are crumpled up in a ball hugged so tightly that they stay scrunched until I fluff them out,  the next time they lie flat and  Joshua's "brownie boy dog" has been pulled close alongside where someone quietly laid on his bed , another time the pillows are still wet with tears, and on occasion, it's evident that the pillows have been thrown against the wall in anger.

These pillows never fight back, they just receive, and they never complain.  They are the perfect friend to my family...they are there whenever needed to just hold, to cry into, soothe, or just listen.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't pay a bit of attention to pillows, but given what my family has been through, watching these pillows gives me some peace knowing my family is working through their grief and remembering our sweet ornery boy. 

Joshua with his tattered and torn blankie in bed

I think we are all hoping we will feel just a bit closer to Josh in his room and these pillows he laid his head upon.  In his room amongst his pillows we find comfort, a safe haven for pure emotion and walls that keep our secrets.  The pillows are a sad substitute for hugs from our boy, but they help us remember those vivid memories and sensations of those bear hugs.

I have no immediate plans to change a thing.  These pillows will be there in their place whenever they are needed, and I will continue to wash them and keep this safe haven clean, cozy and inviting.

It's the simple things that can sometimes make the biggest difference.

Sending Hugs!
Sherri