The Heart Can't Lie!

Stephi went back to college, Britt has settled and finished her first week as a Teacher’s Assistant/Grad Student in Illinois.  Summer is coming to a close and was uneventful.

I couldn’t quite yet figure out the funk I was in.  I was doing my usual stuff, reading the news, blogs, and Facebook with all the kids going to college and posting their high school senior photos.  I had no energy, no desire to do anything but binge on Netflix, didn’t want to hang out with friends, counting the hours until I could leave the office and return home.  Even going to Yoga was a chore…now something has got to be up!

We really are doing fine.  Brad and I are realizing how blessed we are to have a strong loving relationship that is standing the test of time…..25 years is quickly approaching.

The girls are doing very well.  Both are very caring, loving, smart, independent women making plans for their bright futures.

Why did my chest tighten and my heart start racing when mom scheduled family photos?

FINALLY, it hit me like a load of bricks……senior pictures!  I should be posting Joshua’s senior photos!  I should be replacing the photo frame on the wall in the living room with his senior photo just like his sisters. Our family photo should have 5 faces in it, not the 4 that would show up in a photo.

Our forever family!

Ugh!  Sometimes I’m so good at putting on the “Everything’s Fine, I’m Good” mask, that I think I have it all under control;  At least that’s what my brain says, but then my heart sets me straight!

Last night, I posted our family photo. It should be Joshua’s senior photo, but it will never be, and I am reminded of that every day.  But….when I looked at the photo and saw my two beautiful girls smiling back at me, my heart jumped with love! 

Looking back, it was pretty obvious, right?  But when you’re living in the moment, another day, it can be hard to see it.  

Loss will always be a part of my life, and I will learn to embrace it when grief bubbles from my heart and overtakes my mask, and it is OK!  I am just Fine!

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable!  ~The Wizard of Oz!

Hugs!

Sherri

I need a Silent Night

 We really made an effort for Christmas this year.   We threw ourselves into the preparations for our first hosted Holiday Party, we dusted off decorations and lights we hadn’t used since Josh died 6 Christmases ago, and we went out and picked up some new ones because we wanted to "Go Big".  We wrapped this house in 'Merry' front to back in and out; even the commodes were decorated.

Either I’m getting old, or I have a lot of stuff because it took quite a while to get it all done.  Mom said it was because I didn’t have my little helpers.  That was probably true…we were planning a party and our kids weren’t a part of it.  How very empty nester of us.

A couple of weeks later, the house filled with friends, music blared, delicious smells of food filled the air, and Stephi walked in with stealth kitty.  Yay!  Bonus! 

Everyone was having a wonderful time, and the last one was out the door at 2 am.  Good thing since I had to be at church to sing the Christmas Cantat 5 hours later.  Who needs sleep?

Choirs were a centerpiece of my world that slipped away as the children arrived and their care took priority.  As part of the throwing myself into the season, I joined not 1 but 2 choirs!   My big plan worked, I was a busy girl with no time to think!

Our choir sang the cantata three times, and though I was wiped out, I jumped at the chance when  Stephi came running down the aisle.  “Mom, that was so good, let’s go celebrate!” This is one of those times where you thank God that your child wants to spend time with you, and you’re very thankful that God also provided caffeine!

Britt arrived on Sunday with her hissing cat…such a friendly guy.  It felt like our very own partridge in a pear tree.  Two hissing cats, one barking dog, and a Christmas tree that miraculously remained intact.

Britt was rushing in so we could see the Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith Holiday concert. Anyone who knows the history of contemporary Christian knows that Amy and Michael are the founders of this.  As a college student, I remember actually thinking the church cared because they were welcoming the music I could relate to.
 
These two musicians love the Lord, have a lion share of musical talents and lets face it, in this time of terrorism and fear, it was a welcomed change to hear heartfelt chords for Christ. 

During a part of their concerts, I swear I could hear the heavens sing a joyous song.  I felt a connection with Josh and tears streamed down my face not only for the beauty of the sound, but the joy that Josh was surrounded by love and beauty and I missed him dearly.  This feeling was captured in a tear.

On Christmas Eve, I was back up in the choir loft making my own joyful noise with both girls next to me.  They were recruited to join the Contemporary choir by my charming ways “C’mon and do this, it will be fun”.   Snagged them!

Silent Night by candlelight made the sanctuary glow in white.  It was gorgeous and those tears that hold every emotion, sat in the corner of my eyes.

Christmas brought fun gifts…the psycho dog discovered tissue paper is cool to shred, all bows had been mysteriously separated from their gifts, and two cats looked on with a glint of guilt.  They were both so curious.  Here’s the moment Britt captured on camera because she thought it look exactly like the photo on the left.  What do you think?

 It was a good Christmas.  We felt the Joy of the Season for the first time in 6 Christmases.  There was only one thing that was missing...Josh!  His stocking may have been empty of stuff, but it was still part of our season, just as Josh always will be. 

Hugs!
Sherri

Another Angel in Heaven

I went into the store looking for a cardigan sweater to wear in my REALLY cold office, and came out stressed and in a really bad mood.  On the drive home, I got really ticked off at all those drivers who seemed to cut me off, or who cut over way too short.  They were sooooo aggressive!  Oh, and it took way too long to get home tonight!!!

When I finally did make it home, and walked in my house, all I wanted to do was sit and stare at the ceiling fan. 

Arrrgggggghhhhh, what is wrong with me?  I feel like that Snickers commercial where the person is really crabby, only a candy bar won’t cure what ails me.

I know what it is…..I recognize the symptoms….AMBUSH meltdown! 

Another of Joshua’s classmates was tragically killed this week.  Bennett was killed trying to rescue a friend who had been knocked unconscious when he stepped on a live wire.  Tragically, as he made his way to his friend, Bennett also became entangled in live wires and was killed instantly.

Moments after Bennett's accident, friends started texting, calling and sending notes on Facebook offering hugs and words of encouragement cuz they know the scab was just yanked off my heart.  I tried to immediately go into survival numb mode, but then the mood hit today.  I should know by now, there’s just no hiding from the pain of loss, and new loss brings me back to that awful November day every time. 

This is the third death in Joshua’s class; it's also the third loss in our church, so our congregation is once again faced with great loss and embracing a grieving family.

At times like this, I feel a little like Sister May from “The Secret Life of Bees”.  May is the sister who is so sensitive to the life around her that it just makes her ache at times.  In the book, May's ends her pain;  Me? I just try to catch my breath and then help where I can. 

Uncle!!!! I have dealt with depression most of my life, and fortunately, have found  low-dosage medication to balance me out.  I recently took a break from the meds, but with the loss of my close friend Erika a month ago,  Joshua’s birthday, and now this, I realize it’s time to take them again. 

I know there may still be a stigma associated with treating anxiety and depression with meds, but for myself, I decided several years ago that I would rather feel good and really be present with my loved ones, than worry about what people think.   

My mind goes back to Bennett's family.  What they are going through now, what lies ahead as they realize their new normal...sigh....Please keep Bennett’s family in your prayers!

 

Hugs!
Sherri