I need a Silent Night

 We really made an effort for Christmas this year.   We threw ourselves into the preparations for our first hosted Holiday Party, we dusted off decorations and lights we hadn’t used since Josh died 6 Christmases ago, and we went out and picked up some new ones because we wanted to "Go Big".  We wrapped this house in 'Merry' front to back in and out; even the commodes were decorated.

Either I’m getting old, or I have a lot of stuff because it took quite a while to get it all done.  Mom said it was because I didn’t have my little helpers.  That was probably true…we were planning a party and our kids weren’t a part of it.  How very empty nester of us.

A couple of weeks later, the house filled with friends, music blared, delicious smells of food filled the air, and Stephi walked in with stealth kitty.  Yay!  Bonus! 

Everyone was having a wonderful time, and the last one was out the door at 2 am.  Good thing since I had to be at church to sing the Christmas Cantat 5 hours later.  Who needs sleep?

Choirs were a centerpiece of my world that slipped away as the children arrived and their care took priority.  As part of the throwing myself into the season, I joined not 1 but 2 choirs!   My big plan worked, I was a busy girl with no time to think!

Our choir sang the cantata three times, and though I was wiped out, I jumped at the chance when  Stephi came running down the aisle.  “Mom, that was so good, let’s go celebrate!” This is one of those times where you thank God that your child wants to spend time with you, and you’re very thankful that God also provided caffeine!

Britt arrived on Sunday with her hissing cat…such a friendly guy.  It felt like our very own partridge in a pear tree.  Two hissing cats, one barking dog, and a Christmas tree that miraculously remained intact.

Britt was rushing in so we could see the Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith Holiday concert. Anyone who knows the history of contemporary Christian knows that Amy and Michael are the founders of this.  As a college student, I remember actually thinking the church cared because they were welcoming the music I could relate to.
 
These two musicians love the Lord, have a lion share of musical talents and lets face it, in this time of terrorism and fear, it was a welcomed change to hear heartfelt chords for Christ. 

During a part of their concerts, I swear I could hear the heavens sing a joyous song.  I felt a connection with Josh and tears streamed down my face not only for the beauty of the sound, but the joy that Josh was surrounded by love and beauty and I missed him dearly.  This feeling was captured in a tear.

On Christmas Eve, I was back up in the choir loft making my own joyful noise with both girls next to me.  They were recruited to join the Contemporary choir by my charming ways “C’mon and do this, it will be fun”.   Snagged them!

Silent Night by candlelight made the sanctuary glow in white.  It was gorgeous and those tears that hold every emotion, sat in the corner of my eyes.

Christmas brought fun gifts…the psycho dog discovered tissue paper is cool to shred, all bows had been mysteriously separated from their gifts, and two cats looked on with a glint of guilt.  They were both so curious.  Here’s the moment Britt captured on camera because she thought it look exactly like the photo on the left.  What do you think?

 It was a good Christmas.  We felt the Joy of the Season for the first time in 6 Christmases.  There was only one thing that was missing...Josh!  His stocking may have been empty of stuff, but it was still part of our season, just as Josh always will be. 

Hugs!
Sherri

Fortune Cookies and Beignets

How many fortune cookies are too much?  I'm mean, what’s the magic number we are allowed to eat in one sitting? It's part of my attempt to live life on the edge in 2015!   

I think I started it out right with a trip to New Orleans and Brittany's 21st birthday.  Yikes!  Where are those fortune cookies!

Earlier in the Fall, I talked Brad into a trip with the girls.   It's part of my personal goal which is to continue to do fun things as a family;  Not become that family that stares at each other 4-5 hours at Christmas and Easter.   After some pondering and visiting the piggy bank, we decided to go to the Big Easy.   Our goals were simple:  Warm weather, beignets, give Stephi a chance to hear some French Creole, and celebrate Brittany’s 21^st birthday.  

Flights and hotel were soon booked, so all we had to do was wait.

First came Thanksgiving, my most dreaded holiday since Joshua’s death in 2010.  Luckily,  the 3^rd Annual Joshua Newman 5K followed quickly.  This year we raised $9,000 for EMFIT Seizure monitors for those families unable to afford them.  The event is always so wonderful, and so bittersweet…I love the support, the kids, the families.   My heart still wishes I was home just chillin’ with Josh.   

We waited through December when the girls returned for Winter/Christmas Break.  Soon the house was brimming with tweeting, cell phone rings, and laughing  teens/twentysomethings ploppin’ down on the couch to watch Christmas movies.  We sang the familiar hymns by candlelight, zipped through Christmas, and brought the tree down a couple of days later as part of kitty proofing the house for our trip preparation.    

My birthday came along the way, so a group of soccer moms piled into a couple of vans and  hit the local karaoke bar where we sang loud and proud albeit slightly out of tune.  At the end of the evening I sang “Midnight Train to Georgia”  the unofficial love song between Brad and me, with my very own Pips, backing me up. 
 

New Year’s Eve came and went, then it was time to throw our suitcases in the taxi and head to the airport.   I gotta admit, when I was waiting for the trip to come, I never imagined this kind of wait after we boarded the plane.
Vacation begins. Jet Engine 1 not working; Back to gate. Engine fixed in 1 hour;
Pilot announces end of their shift; must bring on new crew -1 hour.
Crew not replaced, let us know they'll do their best to get us there safely even though they've been working since 8 am.....
Passenger freaks out. Doesn't want to die at the hands of tired pilots. Wait for someone to escort her to gate and must remove her luggage-1 hour. 3 hour delay in all. Come through lightening and high winds.
 I think the flight attendant said it best......
We're sorry for the long delays but really just glad we got here.

It was so worth the wait!

Just trying to teach my girl some real life skills.  Drink responsibly!

Love = Beignets!

Photo bombing Stephi's selfie at Jackson Square!

Birthday Balloons on Bourbon Street. Say it 5x fast!

Then just like that, everything we were waiting for was over. 

The girls left and it became waaayyyyy too quiet!  To stay busy and get into the spirit of the new year, I thought I would organize my whole house, work out 3 hours, diet and save money for 2015.  Instead I stayed in my pjs, binge watched Gilmore Girls, and ordered Chinese take out which brought me the fortune cookies I'm binging on, and some great insight to follow in the new year. 

I'm open to suggestions.....

• Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outdoors.
• Two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday
• A new voyage will fill your life with untold memories. 

Here's to new adventures in 2015.

Hugs!

Sherri

Holiday Traditions-Who Needs Them?

Life observation for the week....all those years ya try to instill "holiday traditions" into your kids and it's like pulling teeth to get them to do it. Now they return home from college and are just all over ya with those same holidays traditions.....it's like pulling teeth to get me to do them. lol! ~Sherri

Christmas 2009

We are in the middle of the college invasion.  The girls are back home on Winter Break, and their friends are beginning to swoop down on the house.  Oh how I love these times!  The house has been so quiet with everyone gone in one way or another.  The only noise we hear is Stealth Kitty’s daily run through the house at lightening speed, and Yankee giving his one bark to remind us that we have left him outside longer than 2 minutes, and it’s time for his nap.

This has been a busy season for work.  I’ve travelled, and put in some serous overtime, which helps me not think about how we are now premature empty nesters, but it also limits my ability to  “make the house cozy."

Pretty much all the Christmas decorating I did this year was November 29th right after Joshua’s 5K when the girls were going on and on about Christmas “we do this and we do that,” so I went downstairs and dug out the 20 boxes full of Christmas Cheer, and pulled out......

1. One prelit Christmas tree which we decorated with White House Ornaments and red white and blue ornaments collected over the last 25 years.

2.  One beloved Nativity set we purchased during our time overseas when the Newmanettes were still debuting into this world

Photo taken by Josh

 

3.  One the Dickens Village we received as a wedding gift 23 years ago. 

4.  One stairwell garland.

A few tzatkes, and some candles.  It was enough for me to build up a sweat, so I feel good about my efforts.  I emptied about 6 of the 20 boxes and the other remain almost untouched.

The live tree didn’t happen this year, the Dining room was not transformed into the room of the Merry Feast;  The angel for the lawn remains in the basement, but luckily, Brad decorated the outside while I was gone and it looks nice and festive.

Who’s got the energy to do it all?  Who wants to? Josh was always after me during this time of year to bake cookies, decorate, put on the music.  Now that he's gone, there’s no youthful energy in the house, there’s a sadness even four years out that just settles on us and zaps our energy.  There are more times when we quietly wipe away tears since this is the time of year that families around us are bubbling over with sports award ceremonies, musical concerts, and family gatherings.  

It does help having the girls home.  I asked them what they wanted to do, and I expect their schedules to be full of friends, but they respond,  “Mom, we gotta make the cutout cookies,”  “Mom we gotta watch our Christmas movies,”  “Mom, when are we going out driving to look at the lights?” “Mom, we gotta go to Christmas Eve service,” 

Traditions are so very important to them!  They bring stability, remind them of happy times, and keeps our family close.  Oftentimes, the grief books suggest you change traditions.  Come up with new ones to help ease the pain of the holidays without your loved one, but we have found that any attempt to change our traditions, sends everyone into a frenzy; it’s the traditions we instilled into our family fabric that bring the strength and peace our family leans on to get through another season without Josh. 

It may take a jump start from my girls to get me going, but it’s an effort well worth it.

For those of you who have an empty stocking at the chimney; an empty chair at the table, and a hole in your heart this season, may your traditions and loved ones bring you peace and joy this Christmas Season.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  Luke 2:11

Hugs,

Sherri

Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

Worst Kept Christmas Secrets Ever!

I’m watching an old classic on tv and Stephi is sitting next to me singing every word along with Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Kirby the dentist elf.  I'm so proud!

 Brittany is on her way home from college and needed a place to lay her head.  My sweet cousin in Nashville took her in for the night and spoiled her rotten before sending her back on her way.  We will see her shortly.

The Christmas tree is thawing in the garage.  Brad will bring it in for the girls to decorate  tomorrow.  Most of the presents are sitting in the corner wrapped in bright colors and ribbons.  I'm pretty surprised that Stealth Kitty has behaved pretty well so far;  I’ve only found a couple of shredded strands of shiny ribbon strewn around the house.
   
For as long as I can remember, we have wrapped presents and then get everyone all worked up and excited over the "what is it?"  part.  Once when we were little, my brother and I were so curious, he held my ankles while I reached down into a tall box to pull up wrapped gifts, peel back the tape, and take a peek.  The next year, mom bought wrapping paper that tore when you pulled the tape.  Argghhhh, she's so sneaky!

Britt & Stephi-2004

  But there will be NO SURPRISES FOR THE FAM THIS YEAR!   This year the wrapped presents are for show only since everyone pretty much bought their own gifts. 

 I needed Stephi's help to get to the right website, put in the special secret codes, and figure out seating details for the concert of her dreams.  I wished her Merry Christmas as I handed over my credit card.

2004-Josh showing us his big boy UT sweatshirt

Brad was so helpful, he put his stuff in the online shopping cart for me, complete with style, color and size.  I really wanted to do something special for him; I have been saving my mad money to replace the warped keyboard with super glue he calls a computer.  The only thing is, he’s a total computer geek and I needed his help to buy it! I did offer to choose it myself though I was pretty sure I would end up  buying him a ‘Hello Kitty’ Laptop.  I wished him Merry Christmas as I handed him my debit card.  I will wrap it and put it under the tree the night before since I don’t trust that Stealth Kitty!

A few years ago, I would have made it picture perfect complete with big surprises, but this year, I’m just in it for the joy that comes from giving and being with my family.
 

HUGS!

Sherri

 

The Dance

My college roommate's daughter, is now a married woman!  Wow!  The first wedding where I’m old enough to be the mother of the bride…. yikes....well....maybe a year too young since Gloria is a WHOLE YEAR older than me.

Sam and the Newmanettes on a roadtrip..notice how excited Josh is 
 

I’ve been a part of Sammy's life since before she was born.  In fact, I’m part of the reason she was born.  I introduced her parents when we were all in college, and the rest is history. 

Over the years there have been many adventures with Samantha including stints as our "summer nanny" before she went to college.  It wasn’t too much later after she started college that I started to hear about a guy….hmmmm! 

 

It took a while, but when I finally met Zach there was little doubt he was THE ONE, so it was no surprise when the magical proposal beneath Cinderella’s Castle appeared on my facebook page and I was on my way to Ohio for a July 6^th wedding. 

 

Samantha and Zach were married on the college campus where they met in a quaint white-washed chapel with all of us looking on.  I had the direct view of Sammy’s face during her vows and I just melted over how beautiful she was in that moment.

Zach and Samantha

The wedding  reception following the service included a “Longest Married” dance.  When the music started, Brad grabbed my hand and we were off.  I eyed the competition.....  I felt pretty confident we could take on Sam and Zach since they had been married about 60 minutes, but some of the others looked like they might have a little more of an edge…it looked like a nail biter.

Brad and I turned and turned as they went down the list….. “5 years, 10 years, 15 years”  at 20 years we started to sweat since the floor hadn’t really cleared out much.  I mean c’mon, we are very proud that we have managed to stay married for almost 22 years and in many circles that is quite an accomplishment, but not with this seasoned bunch.

Soon however, we were wallflowers on the sidelines as they hit 30 years, 40 years, 50…..  At 50 years there were still 4 couples twirling around.  They really were twirling too..no walkers, or canes to be found.  At 56 years there were 2, but ultimately, at 59 years there was only one couple left standing;  The wonderful parents of the special man in mother of the bride’s life.  We will call him Professor Hottie.

I have had the honor of spending some time with Professor Hottie’s parents in the last couple of years, and I am quite taken with their spirit.  They are the proud parents of six, who upon learning about Joshua's death, reached out to me and shared the story of how they held their 3 year old daughter in their arms as she took her last breath 50 years ago.  Their story came at the exact moment when I needed hope, and I am still so grateful they shared their story with me. 

Samantha and Brittany.  Height has its advantage when trying to catch the bouquet.
 

So, tonight watching them dance arm and arm smiling at one another, I got all warm and fuzzy.  I was reminded once again how lucky I am  to have a special someone who wants to share this dance with me.  While there is no doubt that either of us would have chosen the path our dance has taken in recent years with the death of our youngest child, we are both so thankful to those who have travelled through the twists and turns before us and offer their support.  Through their example of enduring love, we are learning to keep on dancing no matter what what life brings.  

Oh yea, there was another bright moment of hope in the evening when Britt caught the bouquet.  Could this be a peek into my future?  Britt, if you are reading this, THERE IS NO HURRY!

 

Sending my love to Zach and Samantha!

Hugs,

Sherri