Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

We Interrupt your Grief...with Life

Where am I? What day is it?  What time is it?

Yea, it’s been like that for the last couple of weeks.  There are all these things going on that I should be having meltdowns over this, but we interrupt the meltdown to give you day to day life.

In the last couple of weeks, I travelled to Europe for business, remembered Joshua’s 16^th birthday, walked beside my best friend during one of the hardest times of her life, planned my high school reunion via email, planned Stephi’s grad party via email, and made arrangements for her graduation via email.

It all started when I had the opportunity to go to Europe for work.  Ten glorious days of discovering parts of the “Old Country” I’d never seen, revisiting some places that are part of my fabric and heart.  I knew the trip would be challenging since it was so close to Stephi’s graduation, but I knew we could handle it.  What I wasn’t so sure about, was the fact that Joshua’s 16^th birthday was smack dab in the middle of the trip.  That fact made this grown woman’s heart shiver.  I wondered if I could handle it?



How cute is this baby Joshua?!

The trip went well, even when three of the four wheels of my suitcase blew out leaving me dragging 45 pounds of stuff along Hyde Park.  Then the texts began; My sister of another mother, was facing the loss of her beloved Professor Hottie! 

Three years ago, when Matt shared the recent diagnosis of Chronic Lymphoma, I started to panic, but he assured me all was well.  Two years later, his chronic condition morphed into Acute Leukemia.  There were moments of fear we would lose him, but he rallied into remission for several months, and was back in our home feeding us Cincy Chili, a favorite, and loving us as he always did. 

Fast forward 6 weeks and I received texts that 'nothing more could be done' and Matt was going home to his beloved tree house to be cared for with hospice and those who love him dearly.  This is where it became nearly impossible to concentrate on my job, and all I wanted to do was jump on that plane to get home.

Then it was Joshua’s 16^th birthday.  Thankfully, it fell on a Sunday!  To celebrate his birthday, we now ride roller coasters, and yet there was no roller coaster to be found, so I grabbed the closest ride I could find, the London Eye, and thought of my sweet ornery one.  In the quiet of my hotel room later that day, tears fell gently down my cheek.
Two nights later, I was awakened from a deep sleep when the dreaded sound of texts began.  I knew …….  Professor Hottie was released from his earthly body into the arms of his heavenly family.


Matt, we will miss you dearly!!!

Our tears are never for those we lose, but for us since we know how much we’ll miss them.

I came home from my business trip overwhelmed with life, and fell into the arms of my lovely Stephi waiting for me at the airport. 

Two days later, my mountain man woke me up at 4am, for our roadtrip to Ohio to remember Professor Hottie.  The moment I walked into the room and our eyes met, Pink and I burst into tears.

How could God do this to my friend? 

After a lovely Memorial, we were back on the road to Virginia, stopped in at our first graduation party, and then collapsed into bed.  At sunrise, we were up getting ready for Stephanie’s graduation party.
Oh crap, Mom, Dad & Britt will be here in three days.  Gotta clean, run to the grocery, plan some meals, wrap those Father’s Day gifts…..oh yea, there’s that interview tomorrow morning to prepare for.

Oh yea, the Cupcake Fairy needs to show up at Joshua’s school in three days.  His teacher is moving on, how do we continue a tradition?

Stop this ride, I wanna get OFF!

Breathe in, breathe out, pray hard!

Three days later……IT ALL WORKED OUT BEAUTIFULLY!

Sweet Stephi!  So Proud!

Stephanie walked proudly across stage to accept her diploma as tears streamed down my face. She makes me so proud.

My parents and Britt filled our house for the celebration and new memories made.  The cupcakes were delivered with hugs, and Britt’s former sixth grade teacher wants to help us keep up Joshua’s tradition.

Josh has never been far from my mind.  I went to that place… “Where would my life be if I had three more years of high school before empty nesthood?” There has been no meltdown, but rather quick spurts of tears .

I can feel it, New Normal chapter three has arrived…..

As Matt would quote from "The Princess Bride,"  "Have fun stormin' the castle!" 


Hugs!

Sherri

 

What's the Greatest Chapter in Your Book?

I tend to think of my life as chapters......happy childhood, typical teens, college, marriage, motherhood.  Before we lost Josh I would often greet people with “Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life”.  Now, it just doesn’t seem the same, though I think it did slip out of my mouth once last week...first time in 2 1/2 years.

One of the coolest things I remember a few years ago was a segment  on "Sunday Morning" called Everybody Has a Story.  Twice a month journalist Steve Hartman would travel to some spontaneous place, find a phone book, pick a name, head off to meet the person, and with the magic of television, a name in a book became a beautiful story that would unfold before all the TV watchers like me.  There was never a story that didn’t keep me riveted to the TV.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-500617_162-6083832.html

Mr. Hartman reminded me that everyone has a story;   everyone has a book of life.  There’s even reference in the Bible of a Book of Life that God keeps on each and every one of us.  Think about it for a second, our lives are so important that God Himself keeps a record of it.

Soooo, I’ve been thinking a bit about “the next chapter of my life”.  It's probably because we’re driving out to Oklahoma to set Britt up in her apt. …her very first home.  What’s worse is she has no plans to return home to Virginia…..Oklahoma has become her home, her life is there.   Ughhhhh…darn those independent, strong children we are raising. 

Class of 2014, 2012 and 2017

 

To add to it all, I gotta sit down and help select Stephi's Senior Class Photo.   My middle child is a high school Senior.....what's more, she's talking about a college that has her interest.  At least it’s not 21 hours away.  After months of wondering what she wanted to do, she is finally step closer.  Can I get a Yay?!

But truth be told, it's probably because this next chapter is coming way too early.  I’m supposed to have four more years before I move onto the next chapter.  My last graduation is supposed to be 2017, not 2014. 

So what to do when there is a twist in the storyline?   Honestly, I have no idea!!!! And that’s ok.

I thought I was doing pretty good…a pretty interesting read, and then the bottom dropped out and Josh died suddenly.  The last couple of years are pretty dark.

True to form, I heard a song recently that got me to thinkin….

What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?

(Mine would be You- written by Blake Shelton)

I’m realizing the rest of the pages are blank just waiting for the words of life to be written upon them. 

Let there be pages of fun, pages of happiness, pages of sadness, and let me respect the pages of quiet tears.

Hugs!

Sherri

Senior Blessings-Enjoy the Moment

It happened...Brittany graduated.  

Just yesterday I was  tossing and turning unable to get comfortable with that big belly in front, cleaning every inch of the house, and popping Tums for indigestion.  Hours later I found myself gazing at the small bundle in the clear bassinet realizing I was a mom. Wow, what a life changer!   

18 years later I was unable to sleep, feverishly cleaning every inch of the house,  and popping Tums for indigestion as I prepared for another life changer....the bundle's graduation.  My little bundle is now a statuesque brunette is chomping at the bit to start the next chapter of her life...college.  Once again my heart is bursting with love and pride that I am her mom.

I won't lie, there  has been a dark cloud overhead fueled by Joshua's 14th birthday  smack dab in the middle of all the celebration, and at times my sadness has threatened to overtake me.... until a dear friend set me straight. 

This friend looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You have been given the blessing of watching Brittany graduate, something we all want but sadly don't always get to do.....ENJOY THE MOMENT!!!!".  

God sent the perfect messenger in the form of a bereaved mom whose own son accepted his diploma from his hopsital bed too weak to attend his graduation.  Sadly, he earned his wings a few short months later. 

I had her words in my head during senior blessing at church.  Each parent was asked to send photos for the event and while I was seriously tempted to send the one with her asleep on the comode, or the ones with bad haircuts and self painted faces, I decided to save those for her wedding and just send in normal photos!

The evening of the blessing, I wasn't sure I could do it, and prayed for strength.  By the grace of God we made it through and were touched by the our daughter's loving response.

Here is the excerpt of our words.

It is happening...our little girl is growing up and moving on without us there to hold her hand.

  At times there is a moment of panic your dad and I share as we think and pray “Lord, we haven’t taught her everything she needs to know yet, we need just a little more time” but God’s steadfast presence assures us that he will build on those things we have strived to teach you…faith, love, kindness, charity, strong work ethic and the power of prayer. .....

No, we are not happy that our baby is all grown up, but we can't help but smile as we realize that God has plans for you, and thankfully, we'll be there to see it all unfold as He has directed.

Graduation day.....We sat in the bleachers cheering our little girl wearing her graduation cap with a photo of Josh safely tucked inside.  In that moment as she walked across the stage,  I felt extremely proud and blessed FOR WHAT IS!

Congratulations Brittany!!!

Hugs,
Sherri

Graduation invitations in the rain

It is happening...our little girl is growing up and moving on without us there to hold her hand.  Britt's graduation is just weeks away and after a full week of Disney chaperoning,  and primping for prom night a week later we're sitting here on a very rainy day putting together her graduation announcements.

I think this occasion would be difficult for me even under normal circumstances as we girls are pretty close, and Britt has decided to move so far away. Someone recently asked me how I could let my baby go so far from me, and all I could say was as her mother, I want her to live her dreams and if that requires a move across country, who am I to stand in her way?  I know another special mother who showed the same kind of support 28 years ago and I love her for it even more as I am now in her shoes as the mom letting her baby go.

It will be especially difficult for our family because in our dream plan, Britt was supposed to go off first and leave two children behind to keep each other company, and then Stephi was supposed to go leaving one ornery boy to bask in the center of attention for 3 years before he ventured out into the big world.  Now, 16 months into our real life of new normal nothing is close to our dream plan other than Britt will surely leave us soon and we are not sure we will handle this new change very gracefully...that's ok...we will settle for breathing in and out.

Britt's ready, she's proven herself and it takes every ounce of my brain to keep my mouth shut and leave her alone.

Today, the cold drizzly rainy day doesn't help matters.  Days like this often bring me back almost to square 1 of this journey, but the experience of this journey helps me realize Gray days are always difficult until you realize it takes the gray days to support the bloom and lush of life around us. 

I guess in that way you choose to see it as gray and cold, or as a bit of liquid sunshine with the promise of a beautiful rainbow.  I love rainbows!

I can feel God's presence just on the outside of this emotional scene played out in my heart but I can't tell if he's in front of me guiding me on, behind me pushing me along, or alongside me walking with me.  Aghhhh, please let me know....Am I doing the right thing Lord?

I am not happy that my baby is all grown up but I can't help but smile as I realize that God has plans for this child too, and thankfully, we'll get to see her from time to time and enjoy her joys as she gets to live life to the fullest.  A true blessing!

Hugs,
Sherri

 

Seeking Happy Moments in this New Year

I know I know, I've been avoiding life lately.  It's true.  I simplified my life as much as possible as we prepared to experience our 2nd Christmas without Joshua.  We prepared the best we could, I found a beautiful lit angel and surrounded the outside with lights.

We bought presents and put them under the tree and held our breath.  I have to say I surprised myself with my ability to "keep it together" for the sake of our girls.  We made the choice to stay at home and not spend the holidays travelling to be with extended family...that was a wise choice.

The rest of the holidays went fine.....I know that's not very descriptive, but it's the best I can do.  We made it through...had some laughs, had some tears, saw some good movies, and made it through.  Even escaped for a long weekend and visited with my brother and his family.

My brother has been a rock in my world over the last year...I'm not saying I'm surprised, I'm saying I'm so grateful to have someone who knows me so well that I look up in a moment of need, and he is there.  I feel the need to talk, and the phone rings...it's my brother.  I am in a wicked mood and want to be nasty...I call my brother..he's used to it, been that way for over 40 years now.

We also celebrated my birthday....not so exciting other than I am now typing on my brand new laptop thanks to my darling hubby, though I have to ask, is this kinda like receiving a vacuum or blender?  hmmmm

The big event came as we celebrated 18 years of motherhood.....Brittany turned 18!!!!  I wish I could say it's hard to believe, but it's been a long 18 years..not complaining, just been involved in every minute over the last 18 and I am so grateful I have this sweet young woman in my life.

Now that we are in 2012, I have some choices ahead....I was not able to wish anyone a Happy New Year.. I'm just not there this year, but perhaps over the next 12 months, my heart will mend enough to begin enjoying those magical moments waiting ahead such as watching my oldest walk across the stage to receive her diploma,  followed shortly at summer's end by leaving her at college and not looking back for fear of her seeing my complete meltdown.

I truly do hope to someday on the sooner side be able to add a "Happy" to the hope of a new year, and to get there I will look for that moment in everyday where you can find a smile.  For now it will be a hopeful "May you find a happy moment in every day this year".

Hugs,

Sherri