What's the Greatest Chapter in Your Book?

I tend to think of my life as chapters......happy childhood, typical teens, college, marriage, motherhood.  Before we lost Josh I would often greet people with “Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life”.  Now, it just doesn’t seem the same, though I think it did slip out of my mouth once last week...first time in 2 1/2 years.

One of the coolest things I remember a few years ago was a segment  on "Sunday Morning" called Everybody Has a Story.  Twice a month journalist Steve Hartman would travel to some spontaneous place, find a phone book, pick a name, head off to meet the person, and with the magic of television, a name in a book became a beautiful story that would unfold before all the TV watchers like me.  There was never a story that didn’t keep me riveted to the TV.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-500617_162-6083832.html

Mr. Hartman reminded me that everyone has a story;   everyone has a book of life.  There’s even reference in the Bible of a Book of Life that God keeps on each and every one of us.  Think about it for a second, our lives are so important that God Himself keeps a record of it.

Soooo, I’ve been thinking a bit about “the next chapter of my life”.  It's probably because we’re driving out to Oklahoma to set Britt up in her apt. …her very first home.  What’s worse is she has no plans to return home to Virginia…..Oklahoma has become her home, her life is there.   Ughhhhh…darn those independent, strong children we are raising. 

Class of 2014, 2012 and 2017

 

To add to it all, I gotta sit down and help select Stephi's Senior Class Photo.   My middle child is a high school Senior.....what's more, she's talking about a college that has her interest.  At least it’s not 21 hours away.  After months of wondering what she wanted to do, she is finally step closer.  Can I get a Yay?!

But truth be told, it's probably because this next chapter is coming way too early.  I’m supposed to have four more years before I move onto the next chapter.  My last graduation is supposed to be 2017, not 2014. 

So what to do when there is a twist in the storyline?   Honestly, I have no idea!!!! And that’s ok.

I thought I was doing pretty good…a pretty interesting read, and then the bottom dropped out and Josh died suddenly.  The last couple of years are pretty dark.

True to form, I heard a song recently that got me to thinkin….

What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?

(Mine would be You- written by Blake Shelton)

I’m realizing the rest of the pages are blank just waiting for the words of life to be written upon them. 

Let there be pages of fun, pages of happiness, pages of sadness, and let me respect the pages of quiet tears.

Hugs!

Sherri

Angels Wings

Ya know how you are always trying to figure out what to do with your life?  Whether you are doing what God meant for you to do and all that stuff?

I have been holding that conversation in my head for over 46 years now.  Yes I'm pretty sure knowing me, I was thinking that as I discovered my toes for the first time..."now what can I do with these?"

The self speak over the last 20 months has been "what am I supposed to do with the life that has been thrown at me?"  It's not bad enough that I  am pretty sure I am lapsing not only in the world of a faithful witnessing christian, but now I'm adding to it epilepsy advocate? Let's just set that bar up to the moon why don't we!

While on vacation recently, I pondered what to do with all this frustration over losing Josh to SUDEP and how betrayed and angry I have felt over not getting "the honest picture" of epilepsy from the doctors who cared for Josh.  This epilepsy is pretty darn serious!!! Epileptics and their families have to deal with the life changers that come with  a condition that can black out parts of your memory following a seizure,  make driving illegal, and can kill you.  All the while educating the public, including classmates and colleagues, that you are normal and can live a normal live. 

So back to what keeps holding me back:
My inability to control my tears at the mention of our story
Working full time in a demanding position
Raising two teenager girls
Exhaustion and Grief
Fear of the Unknown

Excuses!!!  I am finally getting to the place where I am edging a toe or two into this arena, with every newly diagnosed family I hear from, and  the ever present lack of common knowledge and surprised expressions from those who learn my child DIED from epilepsy.

The turning point came in the form of asking Josh for guidance during a peaceful walk on a shell-less beach and suddenly looking down to find a perfect set of angel wings shells.  If that wasn't enough, I returned to the house that evening and received the link for the Partners Against Mortality in Epilepsy (PAME) conference video remembering those lost to SUDEP along with quotes from family members such as yours truly.

Immediately upon our return home, I answered an invitation to join forces with the great folks at the Danny Did Organization to raise awareness and funds to purchase seizure monitors.  I also stepped up my involvement with the First Annual Joshua A Newman 5K run coming up in November.

The things above haven't changed, it's just me who has put all those fears in my pocket, said hundreds of prayers to get through each moment and gotten in at least up to my knees.

Alone I will do nothing, but with God's help, the canvas is wide open.


Here is the video:

Making sense of SUDEP
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSVqUQAWhVY&feature=plcp.

Hugs,
Sherri