BINGO

I just got back from my annual scrapbooking retreat with friends.   GNO (Girls Night Out) on steroids!!!!  It’s always such a great time away from the daily grind while we actually do some work.

Our cropping group

I’ve been scrapbooking for a REALLY long time!  When Mom handed me the  “take your old stuff from the basement box,” there was an old scrapbook filled with photos and autographs of The Osmonds from  “back in the day”.  I was framing photos of fun places with colored paper and stickers in a three ring binder  way ahead of the crowd, so it was a natural fit for me to teach scrapbooking to earn a little extra income (and fuel my habit) during my SAH days with the Newmanettes. 

A photo of Josh from his book

Baby books, family adventure books, Christmas books were strewn around the house almost as often as Legos and Barbies!   Josh was the biggest photo lover, always pulling down his baby books and leaving them out across the floor in his room or playroom.    When he died, it was those same albums  family and friends quietly took from the shelves and passed around to remember our sweet and ornery boy.



Sweet sweet Erika

Busy at work!

The scrapbooking retreat was only 5 months after Josh died, and I wasn’t sure I could go, but my best buddy Erika convinced me to keep going.  She was fighting cancer, and if she could go with her bald head and chemo bag, I could go with my box of tissues and broken heart.  She pulled me close and promised she would take care of me that weekend.  After losing her to cancer in 2013, that promise was even more meaningful to me.    



80+ women attend this retreat and go downtown to a local pub for Friday dinner.  That first year I found myself on the end of the table with an empty chair next to me.  Cue massive sweating and anxiety over just the thought that a stranger would sit down next to me and ask that dreaded question “how many children do you have ?”  I will always have three children, and I will always say it proudly…it’s the followup questions I dread.   So,  I decided to take the avoidance route by eating in with a small group of friends who know my story.  It’s an angel mom’s take on “choose your battles”.

My avoidance strategy has been working pretty well for the couple of years but then the group organizers decided  we needed to play ice breaker BINGO. Sigh….  I looked over the sheet and it looked simple enough, There was the “sang in choir” , studied abroad, studied a language, etc, and then there it was  “Has three children or more”……If someone used a hot poker to poke my eyes out, it would  feel better than what I’m feeling, I’m sure.

So I stayed back from the group a bit.  Slowly they came by, “Which box can you sign?”  I was safe for a while because I had a couple of choices.  "Yes, I sang in choir, Yes, I studied abroad, Yes, I can line dance".

I was slowly building up the courage to participate when the mom of one of Joshua’s friends came up to me and said “Would you sign my box for Has three children or more?  You have three children”.  I looked at her with a grateful heart and said “thank you so much for remembering” as I proudly signed my name. 

I LOVE this event! Once a year I get to openly talk about Joshua without judgement or pity.  Once a year I am on equal footing with the other mothers around me, as we laugh and laugh even more over the wonderful  memories we put in our books.

"As long as we have memories, yesterday remains. As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, today is beautiful."~ Author Unknown

HUGS!
Sherri

Music Kept Me Sane

Stephi graduated from high school a few weeks ago, which means the college dropoff is less than a week away.  I have to admit, I've handled it pretty well so far.  I haven't stopped eating;  pouting and guilt trips have been minimal.....I've only begged her 100 times to consider going to college in the next city, instead of the next state!
I can't believe I'm on the cusp of that next new normal....Premature Empty Nester!  

Feels like a good time to reflect....or...maybe not!  After Josh died, I was wracked with guilt, and questioned every decision and action I had ever made with any of the Newmanettes.  I still go there at times when I revisit the dark side.

Then I got my little "Atta Mom!"  It arrived in the shape of a graduation cap decorated by  my middle child. Yes, she will forever be my middle child.
 

Funny thing is, I didn't realize the gift when I first saw it.  I thought it was cute, but didn't think much more about it until Stephi said it again at the Rascal Flatts/Sheryl Crow concert we attended.  I realized there was something to her statement, and maybe I could take the credit.   Afterall, I did help my children discover music. 

When they were afraid of the monsters under their bed, or in the closet, I sang to them. 

When they were sick, I rocked them in my arms for hours softly humming and singing to them. 

To help them learn their ABCs, I taught them the ABC song. 

Who could forget "Itsy Bitsy Spider?"  

They always knew they were loved because  "Jesus Loves Me This I Know".

Before Josh died, I was chatting with the high school chorus director who was telling me how much she enjoyed having the girls in chorus and how much she would miss them.  I remember telling told her, "You will love it when Josh gets here too, not only does he have perfect pitch, but he is also a walking jukebox!" 

A few weeks later, my boy was gone!

“It is Well With My Soul”  was the obvious choice for his service.  We actually played Amy Grant's video version, and while the song filled the sanctuary, I looked around and noticed everyone around us singing.  The crowd was very diverse in faiths and cultures, yet they all knew this song of comfort.  It is one of the few things I remember about that time.

In the years since Joshua's death from SUDEP, the four of us have found comfort in music.  Brad went Christian, I went with Christian and Country, Britt went deeper into country, and Stephi?  Stephi discovered Boy Bands. 

Obsession is a pretty weak word to describe Stephi and her boy bands.   Initially, her wrist had a single green wristband with Joshua’s name on it, then before long she added enough Band wristbands  to cover ½ of her forearm.  Her walls were covered with posters, and they were the center of her world.

For three years it was One Direction, 5SOS 24/7.  Hours in her room with ears buds repeating the songs, thousands of tumbler photos, Instagram.  She even became known for her expertise on trending bands.  I knew It helped her cope with her loss.  

Last Spring, when she sought counseling for her grief, we noticed her smile came back.  When she was ready to stand on her own, the wristbands disappeared.

Their brother’s death came when their own lives were blooming.  It was soooo unfair, but they kept baby stepping through this journey up to the day when my baby happily walked across the stage to accept the diploma she had worked so hard to achieve.

Sometimes you have to hit me over the head with it, but I suddenly realized Music Kept Us Sane.

Today, music remains pivotal in our path towards rediscovering joy.  Britt calls home with stories of concerts she attends with groups of friends; Stephi is going to see her beloved 1D boy band on Monday night and has the biggest smile on her face.

As a parent, I am so relieved. 

I even made a very conscious choice when selecting my ringtone.  The girls laugh at me, but I know it comforts them to know we'll be ok.

It's Mandisa/TobyMac’s  “It’s a Good Morning”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMAllbuUkMI

Wake up to a brand new day .  This morning I’m stepping on my way.  You give me strength; You give me just what I need, and I can feel the hope that’s rising in me. 

~It’s a good morning!

Hugs,

Sherri

Reality Check

I’m in my comfy spot with my swollen feet propped up, sipping my coffee, and watching a rogue squirrel torment our dog and Stealth Kitty on the other side of the patio door.  Pretty sure if he could stick his tongue out at them, he would.



Waiting for our first show

I’m keeping life pretty simple today since I just returned from a 3-day trip chaperoning 150 teenagers through the streets of New York City. Last fall, when Stephi’s chorus department needed chaperones for their annual chorus trip, Stephi and friends signed me up without ever asking me.  I guess I could have been upset that they didn't ask first, but honestly,  I love that they wanted me to go!

I knew the trip would be busy/crazy, kinda like corralling cats, but the lure of getting to watch two Broadway musicals, and see my daughter’s wonder made it soooo enticing.

  Of course in our new normal, there was a little twist ….Joshua’s classmates were part of the chorus this year.  I tried to hide it, but I found myself looking at his friends several times during the trip imagining Josh standing next to them. 

Josh in his school holiday show-2008

At one point there were tears as I realized another “could have been” moment…. I could have spent the whole weekend watching two of the Newmanettes trek throughout NYC. That was about the time Stephi came over to chat.   She saw the tears and asked what was going on, so I told her. 

I expected a big empathetic hug, but she looked at me with those big eyes and said matter-of-fact,   “Mom, Josh wouldn’t be here, he would NEVER have joined chorus.  There's No Way!!!!”   Leave it to Stephi to keep it Real!

“Can’t a mother dream?”  

My kids were very close, so I know Stephi  knows what she's talkin' about.  Before long we were crackin' up talking about the real Josh,  not St. Josh...the boy I sometimes make more innocent in my memories than he truly was in life.    

A windy day on top of the Empire State Building

  Yea, it's complicated.  Josh didn't get to live long enough to dash my dreams for him with his real life choices, but ya know what?  Stephi's reality check did give me a happy peek into one of those disappointment moments.  

She's right, Josh wouldn't have joined the chorus, he wouldn't be up there on the stage singing his heart out, and he wouldn't have been on this trip with us.  

 
 
 
No....at best, my boy would have been fast asleep sitting in the audience while watching his sister in chorus.

Thank you my sweet girl for keeping it real! I Love you Dearly!

You can imagine how touching it was to go to the 911 Memorial in Lower Manhattan and think about both the lives lost, as well as those living on without them.

Remembering those lost to 911.  How beautiful were the two fountains!



Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children.

-President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001


HUGS!
Sherri

 

Splash of Joy

Today was a good day!  In fact, it was a very good day in a difficult year long journey that began when I went to awaken my ornery one and found he had gained his wings.

Joshua is the youngest of my three children.  Yes, I have three children and while I have lost one from this world, I have two lovely daughters very much alive with dreams that are coming a step closer everyday. 

My oldest daughter Brittany is a high school senior with big hopes and dreams.  She has suffered greatly with the loss of her little brother Joshua; She has overcome grief induced depression to reclaim her bubbly personality.  She has shown me a strength and faith that I am in awe of. 

Brittany has long had dreams of becoming a storm chaser...it's all my fault.  I let them watch "Twister" when they were little and she loved it. So did Josh, so much so, that one day in the grocery store, he let out a string of profanities that I recognized were from the same movie.  My response?  It sat on the shelf for two years until they could learn to use good judgement.

Now the day approaches, where Brittany will leave us in a less permanent way but it will be difficult for certain....more change....ughhh.  Can't things stay the same?  We have visited several campuses..... she knows where she wants to go, and I am panic-stricken....University of Oklahoma is sooo far from Virginia.  I have already lost one child, how can I bear to lose my oldest and then her sister two years following?  I am hyperventilating just thinking about this.  If she needs me, how can I get to her quickly?  If she falls and gets hurt, who will catch her?

 I know in my heart what I must do.  I have raised them to be self sustaining, independent citizens and now the time has come to trust my teaching and molding.

Today it arrived in the mail....the Holy Grail of parcels.....the acceptance to University of Oklahoma.   I take the package to her and she opens it up and cries tears of joy...can that be?  Joy?  She wanted this so badly, has gone through so much this last year, and finally, yes finally, something is going right in her life. Her tears are contagious and I hold her in my arms as I have done since she was first laid in them almost 18 years ago.  How can that be?  She was just 4 yesterday.....

Later this evening, the house is bustling with laughter and teenergy.  There are a dozen teenagers enjoying time together as they celebrate this holiday season.  I say holiday as there are christian, Jewish, and other faiths gathered together to celebrate friendship in the season of giving.  Her friend looks over at her and says, "Brittany, you look happy" She really does!

My younger daughter Stephi sits quietly reading with our new kitten nuzzling her neck.  She is still discovering her dreams, but they are coming, and she is very busy caring for and taking charge of this new "stealth kitty".  Thank goodness his collar has a bell on it so we can keep track of him.  I thank God she will be here a little longer to watch over.

Today is truly a splash of joy in our lives.  A dark cloud has threatened as I lament that one ornery boy is not here to show his excitement, but I can imagine him looking down and then leaping for joy and suddenly the darkness lifts.

This is surely the first of many good days...how will my heart cope with joy?

Hugs,

Sherri

Tis the Season

It has been crazy couple of weeks into this holiday season. We made it through the Angelversary, and headed right in to the season of giving!  We're doing a little better this year.  We put up some outside lights and even bought a tree and put it in the living room.....where it has sat for a week now unadorned.

It was at this point I have stalled.  A huge part of the reason is this week has a been a difficult one as we said goodbye to our big ole lazy loveable cat Bleu.  I remember when we bought him 12 years ago.  We had moved back to Ohio and had just built our new home after living overseas for several years.  The girls were pleading for a kitten, but Joshua was about 18 months old and a typical boy, so the search for a passive cat was a must. 

Bleu was the perfect match for our family.  He was dressed up, walked for miles in doll strollers, laid upon, and loved upon by 3 rambunctious children.  He became our purring pillow and a true member of our family.

When Bleu's eye started swelling last Spring we were concerned when the vet couldn't tell us what it was.  A second opinion diagnosed conjunctivitis (pink eye) that would eventually heal.  Over the months we medicated the eye but it worsened and when a limp appeared, I feared the worse. 

One week before Joshua's Angelversary we received the devastating news "Bleu was full of cancer and had days to live"  My girls were devastated!  This cat had sat with them to listen to their concerns, loved without judgement, soothed them through the darkest year of their lives...and we didn't voice it but knew he was also a tie to Joshua.

I pleaded with the doctor to help us get him past November 20th.  As I shared our story, she quickly put together a package of meds so the girls could love on their beloved friend a little longer.  Bleu did beautifully for several days until Thursday when I received a frantic sobbing call at work from the girls "Bleu has collapsed and can't walk..... get home NOW!"  I dropped everything and raced home to find two girls with that pain their eyes I had seen before...the look of loss.

We took Bleu to our vet who allowed us to say our goodbyes, and hold our sweet kitty as he fell asleep in our loving arms and awakened in the arms of the boy who loved him so!

Our home was again a very sad place and under normal circumstances I would have waited a little while to broach the subject of a new kitten, but I wanted so badly to take away the sadness so, I suggested we go to the humane society and just begin to look around. 

We were met at the door with the sign "we are filled beyond capacity with cats...." walked into the nursery and saw three little "mini Bleus" which brought tears to our eyes.  The girls began to work around the nursery and saw two kittens that met their desired criteria, but they were adopted right before our eyes.  Just beyond the children holding their new babies was a gray medium hair cat with tufts of hair coming out of his ears and a big fluffy tail.  For some reason, both girls honed in on him.  He purred so loud you could hear him several feet away, and he was very laid back.

After playing with him, we decided to go to cat a fair down the street and just see if there was a kitten that matched their perceived wishes.  The girls were so excited, and while there were very cute kittens at the fair, they just could not forget the gray.  We decided to return to see if he was still there. we had been cautioned that the kittens usually get adopted by 11 am and it was noon.

By this time Stephi was pleading for me to break all sound barriers, and consider paved roads optional to get us back to the humane society.  We walked back into the building, and both girls ran into the nursery.  What happened next is burned into my memory......  Both girls came out beaming saying "He's still here, he was meant to be ours".  Thank you God for that moment of happiness.

Paperwork was filled out, payments made, and we now begin a new chapter of life with this sweet gray kitten whom we get to pick up on Friday.

This doesn't change anything.  Joshua is still gone and so is Bleu.  Our hearts still miss them both dearly and constantly, but it does bring something that we have needed for so long.  HOPE!

I love this......Several members of our church met to form the word "Hope" in candles.  The  thing about hope is it may not be perfect, but in all ways it is beautiful.

In him was life, and that life was the light of all people. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:4-5


May You live this Christmas season with pure joy and happiness full of the gifts God has given.  May you hug often and make the days of many who see your smile.

Hugs,
Sherri