Anniversary versus Angelversary

I have been feeling a bit off all day.    It finally occurred to me that two years ago today...a Tuesday, my family of five celebrated our wedding anniversary at Chik Fila after an evening of fun. It was Kids' Night  and there was a music man and dancing kids. I remember looking over at our three kids chatting in the booth and thinking how lucky I am and how much I love the life I've been given.

I'm glad I didn't know then what I know now.  That four days later I would lose my youngest to epilepsy.  That I would miss my baby boy every moment of every day and a life goal would be to survive...to persevere.

It was just a normal family night with a normal family and I am so thankful I had that.

Now that we are in Angelversary territory, I have to watch my schedule very carefully and be prepared for a quick escape should the ambush from heartbreak hit.  There's no fooling the body.  The heart just has to take over and make the body do its' bidding.

What's also interesting is my 21st wedding anniversary on Friday.  I feel mixed about it....  On one hand, I love my Brad and am so thankful he has held me, stood next to me and is growing old next to me.  As friends and families continue to disintegrate under the stresses of life, I continue to look at ours and realize how wonderful it is that I have truly found my soul mate. 

On the other hand, four days later is the worst day of the year.  Joshua's Angelversary.  I'm sure someday it will not bother me as much as it does now with the close proximity of our anniversary to his death as joy seems to eventually win over despair , but for now we will just try to stay in the moment, enjoy a night together and then brace for the week ahead.

If ever there was a time for prayer... please keep us in your prayers over the next week.  It's gonna be a hard one!

Perserverance

We are heading down to the second Angelversary of Joshua’s death.  Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.  Two years ago today we were attending soccer games, school activities, and threatening three kids who were always tormenting one another...a gloriously normal life.

Two years and one week from now, I was sitting in a hospital room listening to the surgeon talk about cancer surgery with my dear friend who had gone to the ER with stomach pains the day before.   She has persevered through numerous treatments, surgeries, side effects and two years later,  not only continues her valiant fight against stage 4 Colon cancer but remains a dear  supportive friend.   She is my hero!

Two years and two weeks from now, life came crashing down around us as we faced life without Josh.  The first year was stuck between disbelief, shock and utter despair at the same time….alot of the year escapes my memory.  The second year has been just as painful, but with a twist of introspective healing.  The one word that keeps coming to mind is Perseverance.

Perseverance:  A steady will to complete a task in spite of any obstacles before you.

Perseverance is inspirational.   Hearing about those who have gone through the valley of the shadow of death and come out on the other side gives me hope.  I have been truly lifted up by others going through “life”.    

In two weeks our friends and family will walk the Joshua Newman Memorial 5K Walk/Run for Epilepsy and SUDEP awareness.  Perseverance will hopefully show up again as we walk with over 130 people, give hugs, and remember my sweet ornery son.

Hugs,
Sherri

P.S. We would love to see you on November 24th.  For Information please go to Dannydid.org.

Weathering through the storm

It's 2 am and I am wide awake thanks to a very loud storm that shook our house with every BOOM!

It's not all that unusual to find me awake around this time.  When I was pregnant with each of the Newmanettes, I would magically wake at 3 am for snack and bio break.  When they were born, they each kept that 3 am feeding for a long time.

I don't really mind it.  I can get some "to do" things done and just take in the quiet of the house.  I'm becoming comfortable with that quiet again....for the longest time, it reminded me of the quiet left behind by Joshua's death and it made me sad.

Now I take these moments to think, meditate and just be.

How far I've come in 23 months!  It still aches beyond belief that my little one has gained his wings, but I'm starting to take in life again.  It feels good to be able to do that.

The fog has lifted somewhat, though it is the one lingering noticeable thing people see in me.  I once had a very good memory, and an uncanny memory for names;  now, my memory is foggy at best though I still am able to remember names....God's doing, I guess.  To compensate, sticky notes abound at my work desk though we have moved from "don't forget purse" to "Tasking A due Friday Do a,b&c". 

When setting up future meetings at work, my boss was sharing with me her intention to cancel a meeting on November 19th since it was so close to Joshua's Angelversary.  How touching is that?  I asked her to keep it on the books but to be my stand in should I not be able to do it.   I really don't know what to expect.  Two years out and I still don't know how I'll react to things, but I'm learning with each one of them.

Stephi seems to be thriving with her school work and circle of friends.  Driver's Licenses have brought great freedom and opportunity to her sweet friends.  One Direction remains her obsession and I believe her coping mechanism to continuing on after the storm.

Brittany continues to deal with it in her own way at college and it hurts to not be closer.  We had the opportunity to spend a weekend in Nashville with my mom and it was great on all accounts.  Last weekend we Skyped for three hours as we watched our newest tv series obsession.  It was kinda cute perching the computer with Brittany's face on a pillow next to me.  Oh if only we could skype heaven.

I don't know if I'm in denial, packaging my feelings of missing Britt under grief for Josh, or just so happy that she's a flight away and I will see her soon, but I'm still so happy that she is off pursuing her dreams while I remain in a home that now has two empty bedrooms.

The storm outside has passed and there is once again quiet.  I can't help but think how parallel this is to my life now.  Another storm will surely come, but for now I will enjoy the quiet peace.

Hugs,
Sherri

 

My name is Jesus but you can call me Jess, how can I help you?

What a crazy day but I mean that in the best way possible.  It started off at church where Stephi and I were Greeters assigned to the kid's door next to the adventurous playground.   Then it was up to the lobby area to meet Brad and Britt.  We still haven't been able to venture into the sanctuary much after Joshua's funeral.  It's a struggle for each of us in a different way, so for now we sit as a family in the comfy lobby and watch the sermon on the screen as giggling toddlers and 'stroller escapees' run around us. 

We decided to go for lunch but since we had two cars that morning we split up into two teams and headed over.  My car was driven by Stephi whose vigilance to the speed limit and stop signs has been known to drive me to drink, and 10 mins after the others we arrived at our destination met with scowls.  Apparently, they had tried to call my cell phone but alas it was off.....again!   Somehow the fact that I have a phone with a mind of its' own is my fault. 


Tired of dealing with the cottin pickin phone that has "issues," I dared Brad to buy me a new phone.  Now it is no secret that I am the world's worst cell phone user.  All I want are buttons to dial.  I recently upgraded and joined the texting world so I now need buttons to text and that's it.  I was able to quickly found a phone I liked because it's red!  A very good selling feature.  While it's not a smart phone and doesn't have a data plan, it does slide!  Fancy stuff!

An hour later we walked out with my new red phone and headed back to the house where I grabbed the girls and was off to do girlie things. Once we girls returned home, I needed to grab a nap.  I have been pretty exhausted for about a week now but I don't really make much of it as this isn't anything new since grief already wears me out. Of course, I haven't slept well either since Stephi shared her cold with me so this was a no win situation.

Where would I be without my two lovies?

The  strange  thing about grief is you never know what to be concerned about and what is 'just' grief, because grief is pretty devastating to your body as well as your mind.  It breaks your heart, sends your head into a tailspin, tears up your stomach and just makes everything hurt...so you lose your ability to know what's real trouble.


When I woke up wheezing and hacking, I heard a little voice in my head telling me it was time to visit my friendly neighborhood Urgent Care.  Downstairs I trotted to tell the girls of my plans realizing all the more that I had the right idea when Brittany took one look at me, grabbed the car keys and insisted on driving me.  There were those moments on the highway when it felt like we could win Nascar, until I assured her I was doing ok and preferred to get there without a ticket and in one piece.

Danika may have some competition in Nascar.

Once we arrived I signed in and was greeted by Jesus.  Not just any Jesus, but Jesus of the Holy Cross.   I don't know about you but I couldn't keep my composure.  Many people might be a little concerned if Jesus meets them at the hospital, but I found him to be a hoot!  Jesus and I had a great time updating my records that had remained untouched since the 1990s before I was Mrs. Newman.  He had a great wit about him, a genuineness and I knew I was in good hands when he said are you a christian?  I am too.  I blessed his parents for giving such a kind gentleman such a strong name.


I was taken back for vitals and the usual barrage of questions.  Now of course when they ask the question of " have you been under any great stress or receiving counseling" it is a struggle to not give a snotty response such as "really, you have to ask, doesn't it show?"  because they truly don't know.  I look them in the eye and respond, "I'm bereaved."  In the medical profession, that declaration in itself changes the whole diagnosis process as it is a known fact that those grieving are usually sicker, develop both chronic and life threatening illnesses quickly after their loss, and suffer from lower resistance to illness as their bodies are just worn out. 


Notes were written and off I was sent for examination, xrays and a breathing treatment.   The last time I had to have a breathing treatment was the morning of Joshua's calling hours.  This was not a good trigger to dwell on so I looked for any distraction possible which came along.


I was trying to concentrate on what I was supposed to do which was breathing in and out, but I still managed to hear the sound medical advice given to the collegiate on the other side of the curtain who while visiting his girlfriend and her family tested positive for mono.   How do you explain that one?  It gets better.....I soon realized from the questions being asked that this same collegiate was flying out of town on a public commuter plane. His medical advice in response to his question if he could fly with this newly discovered mono? "Don't sneeze on or kiss anyone and everyone will be fine". Flyers beware!


Brad was soon texting me on my new red phone wanting updates and sharing this very romantic gesture...."I'll stay awake until you get home".  He was even willing to come relieve Britt but to be honest, Britt handles late nights much better than Brad.  Britt for her part kept entertained by organizing my red phone during our wait and trying to keep her laugh to a minimum as I began to shake and shiver during my breathing treatment.  I wasn't offended because I'm sure Momma on steroids is quite a sight to behold.

Day trip with Josh sporting a snazzy green cast.

During our quality time in the 6x6 room we shared, we began to reminisce over those special memories a mother treasures.....hospital visits.  Who could forget taking Britt into the ER when she had a reaction to a simple surgery?  Or that visit just 3 days later with Josh after his failed attempt to jump our fence resulted in a broken wrist?  Not great things we went through but they were ours and after the fact it's nice to talk about the memories and have a good laugh together albeit mine had that raspy hacky feel to it.  It's nice to talk about Josh anytime and not shed tears.

Three hours later, after xrays and breathing treatments, I was sent home with a diagnosis of bronchitis and ordered to remain at home and rest for two days.  Great!  They send the kid with mono on a airplane to some exotic location but the mom with bronchitis has to stay at home and do nothing!  hmmmm that shows promise.

Here's a happier trigger....my ornery one watching his beloved colts play the redskins.




Hugs,
Sherri

Graduation invitations in the rain

It is happening...our little girl is growing up and moving on without us there to hold her hand.  Britt's graduation is just weeks away and after a full week of Disney chaperoning,  and primping for prom night a week later we're sitting here on a very rainy day putting together her graduation announcements.

I think this occasion would be difficult for me even under normal circumstances as we girls are pretty close, and Britt has decided to move so far away. Someone recently asked me how I could let my baby go so far from me, and all I could say was as her mother, I want her to live her dreams and if that requires a move across country, who am I to stand in her way?  I know another special mother who showed the same kind of support 28 years ago and I love her for it even more as I am now in her shoes as the mom letting her baby go.

It will be especially difficult for our family because in our dream plan, Britt was supposed to go off first and leave two children behind to keep each other company, and then Stephi was supposed to go leaving one ornery boy to bask in the center of attention for 3 years before he ventured out into the big world.  Now, 16 months into our real life of new normal nothing is close to our dream plan other than Britt will surely leave us soon and we are not sure we will handle this new change very gracefully...that's ok...we will settle for breathing in and out.

Britt's ready, she's proven herself and it takes every ounce of my brain to keep my mouth shut and leave her alone.

Today, the cold drizzly rainy day doesn't help matters.  Days like this often bring me back almost to square 1 of this journey, but the experience of this journey helps me realize Gray days are always difficult until you realize it takes the gray days to support the bloom and lush of life around us. 

I guess in that way you choose to see it as gray and cold, or as a bit of liquid sunshine with the promise of a beautiful rainbow.  I love rainbows!

I can feel God's presence just on the outside of this emotional scene played out in my heart but I can't tell if he's in front of me guiding me on, behind me pushing me along, or alongside me walking with me.  Aghhhh, please let me know....Am I doing the right thing Lord?

I am not happy that my baby is all grown up but I can't help but smile as I realize that God has plans for this child too, and thankfully, we'll get to see her from time to time and enjoy her joys as she gets to live life to the fullest.  A true blessing!

Hugs,
Sherri

 

Love a little more

I'm not sure that this is pc, but I'm going to say it anyways....I have become a better person since losing Joshua.

Since I have become one of those who has had one of the worst things that can happen to you and survived it,  I've discovered I'm willing to love more.

I have always been a caring person but I'll admit I was a little bit stingy with those three words I LOVE YOU.  Other than Brad, my kids, my parents and a couple of close friends, I  kept those words well guarded.  I felt as though if I used them too often, they would become less meaningful.  Of course, it doesn't mean I couldn't shake it up a little ..what parent hasn't waited for that most oportune moment to utter it as such,"Hey Joshua, IIIIIII Wuuuuvvvvv Yoooooooooouuuuu!"  The red face response alone makes it so worthwhile...evil parenting at it's best! :)

In the months following Joshua's death, and maybe even shortly before as I reassessed life a bit, I began to realize there were a lot of people in my life who I loved alot!  The people who came crashing through police officers to get to me as we realized Josh was gone, who spent day after day tending to me and mine, who took precious leave from their jobs to support us during a difficult service, and the hours of cooking and holding they have done are all acts of love and suddenly the involuntary unconscious rule book that said to keep it down, was thrown out the door with my priority adjustment and I suddenly found my broken heart bursting with love for so many.

It's liberating!  Maybe as much as those who threw their bras into the flames in the 70s.  Fear not, I have no plans to burn the very item that helps hold me together.

I don't go around loving everyone I pass, but I do listen to my heart and let those know when it gets warm and fuzzy.

I think I would have caught on eventually whether or not Joshua died, but it certainly helped me learn a valuable lesson in a much shorter time....like 1 heartbeat.
I don't know why I'm really surprised because the very boy I miss is the one who loved greatly and  'never knew a stranger.'

Hugs,
Sherri
<3

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

I work with a great group of people.  A group that met me just two weeks after we buried Josh and who have shown great empathy, concern, and support from day one.  They have seen the tears and offered hugs even though we are in a society that frowns upon public displays of affection especially in the professional arena.  Honestly, I'm not sure I would have been able to work without them.

A fun loving group who like creative challenges, several of them decided to give up sugar for the entire month of November.... the rules were if they ate anything with processed sugar, they had to pay $10.00.  They asked me to join them in the challenge but when I explained how much I would be relying on chocolate to get through the most dreaded month of the year, they understood completely.  November 1st the challenge was on!

Those of us weaker than they tried to tempt them with some awesome baked goods, and refreshments, but to no avail.   They all did beautifully, even over Thanksgiving....  I was so proud of them that I  bought them sugary donuts for December 1st.

Last week one of them quietly came over to my workspace and I could tell he had something to say but wasn't quite sure how to go about it.

I smiled and said, "hey what's up?"  I guess the smile did it.  He quietly said "we all talked about what to do with the sugar money and we unanimously decided we wanted to give it to you to donate to a charity of your choice in Joshua's name.  It only seemed right since we did it in November".

I was touched beyond words as I tearfully accepted the money and promised to let them know what we did with it. 

I shared their kind gesture with Brad that evening and we both realized a big decision must be made much sooner than later.  'How do we keep the memory of Joshua alive in a way that shows how caring he was?'  There are so many needs and so much to consider....there is the epilepsy walk to raise money for research,  there are things to help in the now in the way of seizure dogs, cee cee comfort bears, sudep awareness, monitors. 

It will have to wait a while though because we are still very much in the struggle of grief and this is only our second Christmas without Joshua..the first full blown one now that shock has turned to reality.  One thing that has already helped get through this season, is a token of kindness that came from some very special people...in other words a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

I know we are not alone in our struggles and I want to send Hugs to those of you who will sit at a table with one or more empty seats this season.  May you find a moment of peace during this challening time.

Hugs!
Sherri

Angelversary

It came, the day we were all dreading....the first Angelversary of Joshua's death.  It actually started about 10 days earlier when I felt those old feelings of forgetfulness, loss of appetite, I couldn't sleep, was listful, and felt just a general uneasiness.  I noticed my brood was behaving in a very similar matter.

I wasn't sure how Saturday would go since it was a year ago that I got up, baked some cinnamon rolls, tidied up the basement after the boys, and went to wake my child and found he was gone. I will always remember it as Saturday, a family day....he died on my watch.

Sunday came and I wasn't sure how it would go since Brad considers Joshua's Angelversary to be  November 20th which fell on a Sunday this year. He feels more towards the date than the day. I never thought about it before but  I imagine we are not the only ones who have such struggles with what should be the simplest thing to know...when someone you love died.

The four of us went to church together athough the girls chose to remain in the lounge area instead of entering the sanctuary..it's still really hard on them to enter the sanctuary where their brother's funeral was held.  I walked in to see the beautiful altar flowers that Brad dedicated to Joshua, and I opened the program, saw the words "flowers...in memory of Jo"  and slammed it shut.  I couldn't bear to read those words.

The service began and I realized our minister was remembering our sweet Joshua before the congregation.  As he spoke all I could do was nod in response since words were of no use and the tears flowed.  Then I noticed his voice caught and he took a few seconds to regain his composure.  I knew from talking with him and his lovely wife that Joshua's death and the circumstances of it were exceptionally hard for him even as a man of God.  He had walked into an ordinary house on an ordinary Saturday with all the smells of a ordinary day, and found complete chaos and despair as he was called to offer comfort to a family who had witnessed death claim their sweet 12 year old boy within the same house.  The experience remains with him, and I am touched by the catch!  I looked over to Brad who had dissolved into complete heartbreak.  What a surreal moment!  Someone wake me up from this nightmare!

The day was a blur as we greeted several friends after church, and took the  altar flowers to Joshua's grave.  It was such a peacful place, and the moment the lovely bouquet was next to his stone, I knew it was right.

Friends arrived early bearing dinner Sunday night.  A Jewish remembrance candle was lit by our dear friend Jerrold.  I feel honored that he would share a lovely tradition with us.

Glowing green balloons began to appear in the dark living room,  and all of a sudden, they began to arrive....  our friends and Joshua's friends.  Those who sat with us that very day a year ago, those who have called and cared for us over the last year, those who loved our little boy dearly were there.    The house was bursting yet they still came.  We thought maybe about 20 would come, but we were close to 70 snd I felt the love!

The moment arrived as we shared a few special thoughts along with a journal entry Josh wrote following the Colts vs Redskins game he went to  with his Dad October 2010.  He was such a Peyton Manning fan and was thrilled when he saw Peyton come out before the game to survey the crowd and field.  He  was 10 feet away from his idol.  He had a great time which was apparent as his journal entry ended with "I will never and I mean never ever forget that game.  It was an amazing experience for me.  I hope you can have one just as amazing as mine" and with that simple amazing moment in life, dozens of soft glowing balloons were launched into the nighttime sky.  How beautiful and peaceful.  A moment of peace!

The next morning when I woke up, I prepared for work and as soon as I put the car in reverse, the full rush of pain hit full force.  All the emotion I was able to suppress over the weekend had me by the heart and would not stop.  I pulled the car back into the driveway and cried a deep sorrow for my sweet ornery boy.  I cried for the last year, I cried for those who were touched by our sweet boy, I cried for the love I have felt over the last year, I cried for what should be, I cried because this is a terrible way to find out who your true friends are, I cried the cry of a mother who has lost her child.

Once the cloud of sadness began to roll away there was a quiet knock on the door.  I answered with full puffy eyes and saw a friend with  a knowing look on her face holding a cup of tea.  She walked in, looked at me and said, Someone told me you needed me..... 

How I am truly blessed.  Even in my darkness I am sent Love!

May you find peace and love even in the darkest night!

Hugs,
Sherri

Anniversary Chocolates

November 16th was my 20th wedding anniversary with my mountain man from Tennessee.  I should be thrilled right?  I have to admit I don't know what to think about my anniversary anymore.  It was always a very happy day for me...the day someone committed his heart to my care and mine to his. 

Just like many other happy couples, we have had some differences even when we thought we were on the same page.  For example when our daughter  made her debut we knew exactly what we would call her, the interesting part was when it came time to spell her name.....I spelled B-r-i-t-t-a-n-y, while Brad spelled B-r-i-t-n-e-y.  Hmmmm, ooops!   After much discussion, Brittany Leigh Newman was ready to face the world.  She was joined two years later by Stephanie Nicole and  2 years later by baby brother Joshua.  Our family was complete by our 7th anniversary.

Fast forward a few years and we were celebrating Anniversary 19 with our family of five at a fastfood place to contribute to a fundraiser for our high school. We celebrated in style sitting in a pleather seated booth and  I remember looking over at the kids laughing and realizing life was good.... Little did I know it would be our last family meal together.

Joshua passed away from a epilepsy condition known as SUDEP 4 days later on Saturday, November 20th and our marriage and everything about our family changed forever.   We were so brokenhearted that 12 months later as we faced our monumental 20th anniversary,  we didn't know what to do. How could we celebrate the happiness of 20 years of marriage when our family is no longer together? 

We tried to make the most of it, special dinner, time together with the girls, and as I got into bed I found a wrapped box of chocolates with a beautiful card.  My reaction?  I started laughing....now understandably Brad was a bit put off by my reaction until I told him to check his side of the bed.....there beneath his pillows was a wrapped box of chocolates with a beautiful card.  Without each other's knowledge we had gone to the same place to purchase the same unique chocolates as a token of love even in this difficult time.   This was truly a moment of laughter through tears!

One thing that they say to try when you lose a child is to change traditions....we have thought about this realizing that our anniversary really is a difficult day to celebrate, so for a little while I think maybe we'll celebrate the day Brad proposed to me instead...January 2nd.  I believe in time I will realize not only how special that night was 1 year ago on November 16th, but how lucky I am to be loved by my husband and my children here and above.

Hugs,
Sherri

Smiles

I've shared how I am the eternal optimist and even though we are facing the saddest time of the year, the one year Angelversary of losing Josh, I can still look back over the last few months and find things that make me smile..some smiles from acts of kindness, some valiant acts of friendship and support, and some from the unbelievable and politically incorrect.  If you choose to read on, please do not take offense....sometimes politically incorrect is the only way to get through the tough times.

 

And in answer to the questions you want to ask but are afraid.  Yes, this is a very tough week already.  There is still so much numbness and the hurts come at unexpected times without warning.  There are so many great things happening in our daughters' lives that their brother is missing and so we are learning to ignore the heartwrenching pangs and truly smile at their happiness .  Life goes on at an incredible pace but we take it a bit slower since we are not functioning with full hearts, yet we are moving forward, we are striving to live on and love on!

 

Hugs,

Sherri

 

• I smile at the petite Irish chick who broke through the two burly police officers to get to my family.
• I smile at the memory of seeing one of the hardened burly police officers shed a tear when he thought noone was looking.
• I smile at the memory of the one who sat on the front porch with me as my heart laid shattered and my body in shock!
• I smile at the beautiful candlelit street and group of friends awaiting my family after so many came to pay respects and give hugs.
• I smile at the memory of Brad's good friend Paul strolling into our home ready to help in anyway.
• I smile at the memory of  our dear friends rushing to our aid and tripping over each other as they organized our house for the impending rush of loved ones.
• I smile at my beautiful girls who continue to amaze me.
• I smile at our families dropping everything to be with us.
• I smile at my daughters' friends who came to offer support and became distracted by"the hottie cousins" from out of town.
• I smile at all the faces I remember seeing as we laid our youngest to rest on a peaceful hill. 
• I smile at the huge amount of Thanksgiving food items that showed up in our kitchen by so many who put their needs behind ours on that special day.
• I smile at the sweet children who sat outside the parlor with tears streaming down their faces as they remembered my sweet boy..their friend.
• I smile at the sweet people who braved the snowy cold morning to walk for epilepsy.
• I smile at my brother who has a knack for showing up at my side whenever I need him.
• I smile at the memory of Stephanie meeting her new favorite disney princess at DisneyWorld.
• I smile at the old fat cat curling up next to my daughter to soothe her.
• I smile at the stupid stink bugs that Josh sends to his sisters on a regular basis.
• I smile at the day Brittany  received her senior school photos.
• I smile at the roommates who have come regularly to fill my cup and renew my spirit.
• I smile at the big husband of mine who has been so gentle and vulnerable and not afraid to show it.
• I smile at the fact that my big husband was faced with a life-threatening illness and came out a victor.
• I smile at the folks at work who do their best to protect me, make me laugh and lend me their shoulders without judgement.
• I smile at the memory of my sweet ornery little boy who loved life and lived it to the fullest.





Stephanie and Joshua at our favorite beach outside Athens.

 

My sweet Joshua, we LOVE you, MISS you, and LAUGH on for you!

A little down tonight

There's no cute title, no movie comedy relief, just the straight shot of missing my ornery one tonight. It has been 11 months which is so hard to believe. I feel I have betrayed Josh in a way, in the fact that I have been able to live this long without my Josh....Don't judge and Don't rush to my side. This is merely the rationale of a mother who has lost her son. There is much to live for, and I do intend to do so some day. I have managed to find my smile again..mostly when I look at those two teenagers I call mine.

But there are moments like this when nothing can help me, no words of comfort, no hugs, no scripture. Tears come naturally, and I am alone with the heartache of loss.

I cannot believe my child is dead. Me, the suburban mom who had everything, now has experienced the hardest thing there is to experience. I am not worthy of this responsibility and I am not strong enough to be the mother of a lost child.

In some cultures it is an honor to be the mother of a deceased child. I do not live in one of those cultures and the only honor I feel is that I was able to bring that sweet boy into the world and love him and his sisters with my whole heart and being.

I am getting a little used to the new normal...I admit it, I don't put up 5 fingers to the restaraunt hostess, I don't work my schedule around Joshua's, and he is no longer part of my daily routine. He remains in my thoughts constantly but it is different.

At the same time, I long for him, struggle to move on without him, and let his sisters continue to live their lives more than 10 feet away from me at any time. The anxiety is overwhelming at times.

I know God is good and God has a plan, but right now I just wanna be an immature mom who can scream, cry, cuss, throw things and be angry that my perfect family will never be perfect again.

Now as the rest of my family slumbers, I sit here trying to remember that sweet face with a big smile on it. The visions of that day still haunt me and will likely for a lifetime. I have PTSD...me, a little blonde surburbanite whose world is a cushy 15 mile radius, I suffer from the same syndrome that soldiers hardened by war and great trauma suffer from.

I miss my sweet boy and I want him back! Give him back to me...take me instead, I think as I plead but alas, he has no reason to come back to me...he is seizure free, lovin' his new "life" and is likely talking the ear off of the Holy One and anyone who will listen. It is me who has the problem, not him!

I am learning to live a life of joy, but there will be moments like tonight where I must embrace what is.