Drinking Naked

Brad and I are trying to approach this Premature Empty Nesting with an open mind.  Last Spring I took golf lessons so I could join him on the golf course.  So far, we have been hitting some of the local PAR 3 “easy” courses as I learn the game.  Our approaches are very different, but it works for us.  Brad is very strategic with his range distant tools and relies on the perfect club, with the perfect form.  Me?  I usually go like this…. driver, 7, 9, chipper, putter.  Distance is not a factor.  If I change it up, it's because I get bored using the same ones over and over again.  A Par 3 means you are supposed to hit the ball into the hole in 3 hits, so I’m averaging 7 hits per hole and I'm ok with that.  Now, where’s the beer boy?  Maybe that will help my game.

My promising golf career was temporarily sidelined two weeks ago after  I did my usual awesome and powerful swing directly into the hard ground.   The golf club bent back, and so did my thumb.  When I  heard a “crack” and felt instant pain, I knew I was in trouble.  I whined for the last three holes, and Brad did his best to distract me with his offers to stomp on my foot to help take my mind off my thumb.  Thanks honey!

 There have been some good things brought about from my injury.  It has definitely given me the respect of  the “good ole boys club” at work.  “Could you open this water bottle for me?  I have a golf injury”  as I point to my thumb.  “Could you please repeat? I can’t write very well because of my golf injury”.  Dang, and all this time, I thought it took short skirts and high shoes to get their attention.  Ladies, we have it all wrong.  Who knew?!

Golf is out for now, but the weather is still awesome so Brad and I  had to find something else to do while my golf injury heals. 

We live less than an hour away from the Shenandoah Valley, so when Brad came up with the suggestion of heading out to the infamous Skyline Drive to see the fall color, I was jumping in that passenger seat.  The day showed great promise until we discovered 5 miles of cars filled with folks also waiting to get on Skyline.  It quickly became apparent Brad was losing his patience, and looking for other options. 

What to do?   Oh genie in the phone, please help me!  My wonderful smart phone suggested we Drink Naked! I made the suggestion to Brad, and he couldn’t turn the car around fast enough.  A few moments down a beautiful country windy road lined with beautiful yellow and reds, and we turned into Naked Mountain Winery.

 

 

At first, we noticed all the young people, young groups, couples, families, then as neared the tasting bar, we noticed  the couples like us.  Couples making memories now that the kiddos are out of the house.  We probably looked just as normal to them as they did to us, but I can tell you, we are not liking this next chapter at all.  In fact, I’d say we have regressed in our grief of losing Josh, and now both girls are on their own.  We just suck it up, and try to make the best of it. 

After Drinking Naked, we walked back to the car hand and hand, and took the long picturesque way home winding through the plantations, horse farms and majestic color. The colors were magical.   This journey has  shown  me  that life isn’t easy, and to make it through, you need to remain open minded and see how life unfolds.  You may have a plan, but it may be Plan B that takes over.

As if on cue, Stephi texted and wanted to know what we did all day.  My response? “We drank naked today”.   My daughter knows humor is how I cope, and I’m sure her eyes were rolling, but it made her smile, and hearing from her made me smile too!

 Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.  ~Unknown

 May you find beauty in every challenge!

Hugs!

Sherri

 

Happiness Guilt

Well, we’re back to work for now, and taking life day by day.  Britt is enjoying college football season, Stephi is enjoying Homecoming week, and Brad is enjoying his last few dates with his dimpled mistress (aka golf) before winter settles in.

Thanks to Bluetooth and my car radio, Britt and I often chat on my way home from work. Ohhh, my girl is going through some real emotions again. I get it and oh how I feel for her. I mean……life is tough enough on a normal day, but when you lose the brother you love, move 21 hours from home, and throw yourself into a new life, it’s bound to happen…..AMBUSH Meltdown!  We talk about it/around it, and sometimes we just grow silent together.   I suggested it might be “Happiness Guilt”….that crash of guilt that hits when she is enjoying a life her brother no longer is here to enjoy.  

Right after Josh died, I started reading about the "new normal” for surviving siblings.  I wanted to hear stories of happy ever after, or at least happy again ever after.    What I learned was the path back from the despair of loss is long and windy.  Some shared stories of turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the loss.  Others avoided friends, and avoided new relationships because they didn’t want the awkward silence that follows “how many brothers/sisters do you have?” Not the news I was hoping for.....

My middle child is really angry.  Her journey includes pages and pages of written words to express her thoughts and questions. Her writing took an interesting twist when she had to respond to a college application essay question…. “Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story?”  Whoa…that innocent question received one heck of an answer from my 17 year old.  I hope they're up for it!

My oldest child still struggles to fall asleep, suffers from anxiety attacks, and is trying to accept that she can truly have a future that is bright and happy.   Yesterday, she heard the horrible sound of metal crashing next to her apartment.  She fought her growing panic, and ran to an accident site even though she knew it might be tragic.  What she found was a young man lying on the side of the road, his motorcycle struck by a truck.  She held him and spoke to him until the paramedics arrived to take over.  The happy side?  He kept talking with her and will heal from his injuries.  He will walk away!  What an incredible healing impact the experience had on her.

Robert Harling, the author of the book and my favorite movie “Steel Magnolias”  shared the story of how his mother insisted on remaining on set for the scene where Julia Robert’s character “Shelby” dies in the hospital. Robert thought it would be too hard for his mother to relive the day his sister/her daughter died, but she refused to leave.  He finally figured out why she had to stay.  She had to see Julia get up out of the bed and walk away. It was a healing moment!

Me and my girls

 

As my daughters etch their way to their joy, I try my best to listen to Britt and ponder with  Stephi, because that is what I CAN DO for them.  Britt is now sharing stories that include new FRIENDS!  Friends who know about her brother; some that can personally relate; some that just grab her by the hand and take her away from it all for a while.

Stephi continues to ponder and work through her questions and thoughts on a daily basis....She asked me to look at her college essay the other day.  It was a very real account  of life without Josh. Though hard for me to read, I was so touched with her closing words….  "Now, I get out of bed every morning and head off to school without dread, and my homework is always done. I hang out with friends and I laugh more than I did when I first lost Joshua. A calmness of sorts has taken over and I can continue to move forward. I still miss Josh beyond words-I always will-but life goes on and I have to move on with it.”

‘Nuff Said!

Hugs!

Sherri

Catnapping

I was sitting outside on my lunch hour admiring the beautiful clouds the other day.  I was pretty impressed because I actually knew their technical name thanks to Brittany’s constant chatter about meteorology.  During our road trip to Oklahoma; I just had to keep asking her the same questions over and over . “Brittany, what kind of clouds are those? Brittany, what are those white fluffy clouds called?”  Apparently, some of it stuck: Cumulus, Stratus, Altostratus....

 

After lunch, I headed home and continued to enjoy the gorgeous day from my refuge spot....the back patio.  This patio is my zen spot with its peaceful fountain; a gift from my girls, flowers blooming all around, and a sleepy Stealth Kitty for company.

I must have drifted into a bit of slumber before I found myself suddenly startled awake when my head and stomach became Stealth Kitty's springboard to get from one perch to another. 

Who, Me?
 

Other than the immediate need to rush to the bathroom since he landed square on my poor "mommy" bladder, there was no physical damage, but mentally I was startled, confused, and irritated. Haven't  we all been here before…just enjoying beautiful moments in life, slumbering along when KERPLUNK, life jumps right on your stomach.  Grrrr!

After telling Stealth kitty what I thought of his decision to shortcut his path via my midsection, I got comfy again as my mind drifted to my "new normal" which just took another turn with Britt leaving home.  I handled it pretty well...I kept telling her how much she’s gonna miss me as we moved her in,  and bless her little heart she kept inviting me to live with her, but I don’t think returning to the college life is where I need to be and I certainly don’t think her teeny room will hold both of us for long.

Besides, back in DC, my middle baby, Stephi is officially a high school senior and has the gorgeous photos to prove it.  I have one more year of chorus, report cards, friends buzzing around the house and then she’ll be on her way too.  I see the signs…she is excited about a college that she thinks is “the one” and I have to admit, it is a gorgeous place.  I’m so happy for her, but the house will be so lonely without her next year.

Isn’t it amazing how life can change even if location remains the same?  When I decided to follow my dreams to Washington DC, there was so much excitement, so much hope.  This time it feels different.  Brad is trying his best to convince me the answer lies in taking up golf.  Maybe....but I think it means road trips to Oklahoma, North Carolina, some mission trips and anywhere else I get a bug to go see.  Brad will be ok with that, as long as there is a golf course.  I’m gonna keep tryin’ to get to that point where the excitement is there again.  It’s closer, I can feel it.

One thing is for sure.  When Stephi moves away, she is taking that crazy stealth kitty with her so I can enjoy some uninterrupted peace.

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
― Corrie ten Boom

Hugs,
Sherri

Pink Pistol Night!

I want to be serious today but my brain is not working. I meant to go to church, but watched a past sermon on the computer instead.  It was about heaven and it touched my heart.

I wanted to get some chores done, but was distracted by some movies.

I was feelin’ all good about going to a charity fundraiser for a fellow SUDEP family yesterday and wanted to say something profound but all I can do is “be one with the couch”.

About the most productive thing it looks like I’ll be doing is taking the girls to see country megastar Miranda Lambert.  We are big Miranda Lambert fans.  The girl sings without a filter and wrote a song with her husband Blake Shelton that has carried my family through the craziness of life without Josh.

Miranda has another bond with my family now as Brittany is attending school in Oklahoma, Miranda’s home state.  A few months ago while visiting, we took a roadtrip to her boutique The Pink Pistol.

Blake Shelton at the Pink Pistol?
 

I’ve sent some notes to newly bereaved parents to let them know they are not alone.  I hope it helps.  I think it does.

So tonight think I’ll just live in the now,  go enjoy the concert with my girls, rain or shine, bawl my way through “Over You”, and buy a tshirt.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y2icHOgC5U

Hugs!
Sherri

Love a little more

I'm not sure that this is pc, but I'm going to say it anyways....I have become a better person since losing Joshua.

Since I have become one of those who has had one of the worst things that can happen to you and survived it,  I've discovered I'm willing to love more.

I have always been a caring person but I'll admit I was a little bit stingy with those three words I LOVE YOU.  Other than Brad, my kids, my parents and a couple of close friends, I  kept those words well guarded.  I felt as though if I used them too often, they would become less meaningful.  Of course, it doesn't mean I couldn't shake it up a little ..what parent hasn't waited for that most oportune moment to utter it as such,"Hey Joshua, IIIIIII Wuuuuvvvvv Yoooooooooouuuuu!"  The red face response alone makes it so worthwhile...evil parenting at it's best! :)

In the months following Joshua's death, and maybe even shortly before as I reassessed life a bit, I began to realize there were a lot of people in my life who I loved alot!  The people who came crashing through police officers to get to me as we realized Josh was gone, who spent day after day tending to me and mine, who took precious leave from their jobs to support us during a difficult service, and the hours of cooking and holding they have done are all acts of love and suddenly the involuntary unconscious rule book that said to keep it down, was thrown out the door with my priority adjustment and I suddenly found my broken heart bursting with love for so many.

It's liberating!  Maybe as much as those who threw their bras into the flames in the 70s.  Fear not, I have no plans to burn the very item that helps hold me together.

I don't go around loving everyone I pass, but I do listen to my heart and let those know when it gets warm and fuzzy.

I think I would have caught on eventually whether or not Joshua died, but it certainly helped me learn a valuable lesson in a much shorter time....like 1 heartbeat.
I don't know why I'm really surprised because the very boy I miss is the one who loved greatly and  'never knew a stranger.'

Hugs,
Sherri
<3