Thursday, October 20, 2011
A little down tonight
There's no cute title, no movie comedy relief, just the straight shot of missing my ornery one tonight. It has been 11 months which is so hard to believe. I feel I have betrayed Josh in a way, in the fact that I have been able to live this long without my Josh....Don't judge and Don't rush to my side. This is merely the rationale of a mother who has lost her son. There is much to live for, and I do intend to do so some day. I have managed to find my smile again..mostly when I look at those two teenagers I call mine.
But there are moments like this when nothing can help me, no words of comfort, no hugs, no scripture. Tears come naturally, and I am alone with the heartache of loss.
I cannot believe my child is dead. Me, the suburban mom who had everything, now has experienced the hardest thing there is to experience. I am not worthy of this responsibility and I am not strong enough to be the mother of a lost child.
In some cultures it is an honor to be the mother of a deceased child. I do not live in one of those cultures and the only honor I feel is that I was able to bring that sweet boy into the world and love him and his sisters with my whole heart and being.
I am getting a little used to the new normal...I admit it, I don't put up 5 fingers to the restaraunt hostess, I don't work my schedule around Joshua's, and he is no longer part of my daily routine. He remains in my thoughts constantly but it is different.
At the same time, I long for him, struggle to move on without him, and let his sisters continue to live their lives more than 10 feet away from me at any time. The anxiety is overwhelming at times.
I know God is good and God has a plan, but right now I just wanna be an immature mom who can scream, cry, cuss, throw things and be angry that my perfect family will never be perfect again.
Now as the rest of my family slumbers, I sit here trying to remember that sweet face with a big smile on it. The visions of that day still haunt me and will likely for a lifetime. I have PTSD...me, a little blonde surburbanite whose world is a cushy 15 mile radius, I suffer from the same syndrome that soldiers hardened by war and great trauma suffer from.
I miss my sweet boy and I want him back! Give him back to me...take me instead, I think as I plead but alas, he has no reason to come back to me...he is seizure free, lovin' his new "life" and is likely talking the ear off of the Holy One and anyone who will listen. It is me who has the problem, not him!
I am learning to live a life of joy, but there will be moments like tonight where I must embrace what is.
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Sherri....I know how you feel. One moment you have it all and the next your world is destroyed. No one really understands unless they have endured such a loss. I think that your Josh and my Dimitri are up there together in Heaven. Dimitri was 23 and coached youth basketball in our town. Maybe he's teaching Josh some of the moves he was teaching to the kids in our town. I feel exactly the same way as you do. It's been 14 months for me and I still can't quite grasp the "why" of what happened to my sweet son. He died of leukemia when he has so much to live for. I guess all we can do is continue on, one step, one breath.
ReplyDeleteShirley in California
Sherri, sometimes the anxiety for the living children is the worst. We know just how fragile that balance is and never want to see another of our children test that balance. And yet the practical side of us recognizes that they must go on with their lives and do what kids and teens do, including taking risks. It's hard, but find our own balance.
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