Smiles

I've shared how I am the eternal optimist and even though we are facing the saddest time of the year, the one year Angelversary of losing Josh, I can still look back over the last few months and find things that make me smile..some smiles from acts of kindness, some valiant acts of friendship and support, and some from the unbelievable and politically incorrect.  If you choose to read on, please do not take offense....sometimes politically incorrect is the only way to get through the tough times.

 

And in answer to the questions you want to ask but are afraid.  Yes, this is a very tough week already.  There is still so much numbness and the hurts come at unexpected times without warning.  There are so many great things happening in our daughters' lives that their brother is missing and so we are learning to ignore the heartwrenching pangs and truly smile at their happiness .  Life goes on at an incredible pace but we take it a bit slower since we are not functioning with full hearts, yet we are moving forward, we are striving to live on and love on!

 

Hugs,

Sherri

 

• I smile at the petite Irish chick who broke through the two burly police officers to get to my family.
• I smile at the memory of seeing one of the hardened burly police officers shed a tear when he thought noone was looking.
• I smile at the memory of the one who sat on the front porch with me as my heart laid shattered and my body in shock!
• I smile at the beautiful candlelit street and group of friends awaiting my family after so many came to pay respects and give hugs.
• I smile at the memory of Brad's good friend Paul strolling into our home ready to help in anyway.
• I smile at the memory of  our dear friends rushing to our aid and tripping over each other as they organized our house for the impending rush of loved ones.
• I smile at my beautiful girls who continue to amaze me.
• I smile at our families dropping everything to be with us.
• I smile at my daughters' friends who came to offer support and became distracted by"the hottie cousins" from out of town.
• I smile at all the faces I remember seeing as we laid our youngest to rest on a peaceful hill. 
• I smile at the huge amount of Thanksgiving food items that showed up in our kitchen by so many who put their needs behind ours on that special day.
• I smile at the sweet children who sat outside the parlor with tears streaming down their faces as they remembered my sweet boy..their friend.
• I smile at the sweet people who braved the snowy cold morning to walk for epilepsy.
• I smile at my brother who has a knack for showing up at my side whenever I need him.
• I smile at the memory of Stephanie meeting her new favorite disney princess at DisneyWorld.
• I smile at the old fat cat curling up next to my daughter to soothe her.
• I smile at the stupid stink bugs that Josh sends to his sisters on a regular basis.
• I smile at the day Brittany  received her senior school photos.
• I smile at the roommates who have come regularly to fill my cup and renew my spirit.
• I smile at the big husband of mine who has been so gentle and vulnerable and not afraid to show it.
• I smile at the fact that my big husband was faced with a life-threatening illness and came out a victor.
• I smile at the folks at work who do their best to protect me, make me laugh and lend me their shoulders without judgement.
• I smile at the memory of my sweet ornery little boy who loved life and lived it to the fullest.





Stephanie and Joshua at our favorite beach outside Athens.

 

My sweet Joshua, we LOVE you, MISS you, and LAUGH on for you!

A little down tonight

There's no cute title, no movie comedy relief, just the straight shot of missing my ornery one tonight. It has been 11 months which is so hard to believe. I feel I have betrayed Josh in a way, in the fact that I have been able to live this long without my Josh....Don't judge and Don't rush to my side. This is merely the rationale of a mother who has lost her son. There is much to live for, and I do intend to do so some day. I have managed to find my smile again..mostly when I look at those two teenagers I call mine.

But there are moments like this when nothing can help me, no words of comfort, no hugs, no scripture. Tears come naturally, and I am alone with the heartache of loss.

I cannot believe my child is dead. Me, the suburban mom who had everything, now has experienced the hardest thing there is to experience. I am not worthy of this responsibility and I am not strong enough to be the mother of a lost child.

In some cultures it is an honor to be the mother of a deceased child. I do not live in one of those cultures and the only honor I feel is that I was able to bring that sweet boy into the world and love him and his sisters with my whole heart and being.

I am getting a little used to the new normal...I admit it, I don't put up 5 fingers to the restaraunt hostess, I don't work my schedule around Joshua's, and he is no longer part of my daily routine. He remains in my thoughts constantly but it is different.

At the same time, I long for him, struggle to move on without him, and let his sisters continue to live their lives more than 10 feet away from me at any time. The anxiety is overwhelming at times.

I know God is good and God has a plan, but right now I just wanna be an immature mom who can scream, cry, cuss, throw things and be angry that my perfect family will never be perfect again.

Now as the rest of my family slumbers, I sit here trying to remember that sweet face with a big smile on it. The visions of that day still haunt me and will likely for a lifetime. I have PTSD...me, a little blonde surburbanite whose world is a cushy 15 mile radius, I suffer from the same syndrome that soldiers hardened by war and great trauma suffer from.

I miss my sweet boy and I want him back! Give him back to me...take me instead, I think as I plead but alas, he has no reason to come back to me...he is seizure free, lovin' his new "life" and is likely talking the ear off of the Holy One and anyone who will listen. It is me who has the problem, not him!

I am learning to live a life of joy, but there will be moments like tonight where I must embrace what is.