Ducklings and Fairies

I woke up with slightly swollen wet eyes, and the pillow was wet.  It took a second for the conscious to catch up to my subconscious.  Ohhhh...It's Joshua’s 18^th birthday.

I wouldn’t allow myself to “go there” yesterday; and I always try to keep  June 8^th at arm’s length, but it still comes!

I remember when I LOVED June 8^th.  I remember teaching Josh his birthday so he could answer the question, “When is your birthday?”  “June Ayyyfff”.

He was so excited when he answered....he was just so darn excited about his birthday every year.

How can a great day turn so dark, so quickly?!  I was pretty despondent all morning, and the tears just kept coming as I hit YouTube to listen to those meaningful songs like Mercy Me’s “Home”.  It's Ok, there are times when wallowing is allowed and therapeutic.  Brad stopped over from time to time to sit quietly and give me a hug.  He knows I grieve quietly and alone. 

But then...IT WAS TIME TO PICK UP THE CUPCAKES!

Yep, the cupcake Fairy strikes again!

90 green cupcakes with sprinkles were sitting right there in plain sight in the bakery waiting for us.  90 shots of color cutting through the darkness surrounding my mood. 

We picked them up, grabbed some napkins and headed off to deliver them to the 6^th graders at the Newmannettes’ elementary school.  Our school has always been so supportive and caring towards our family.  That first year when we wanted to fulfill Joshua’s wish to give cupcakes for his birthday treat, they agreed without second thought.  A simple gesture became a tradition that brings giggles and laughter from the kids, and helps us find our joy on an otherwise dark day.  The kids love a visit from the cupcake fairy and even tell the rising 6th graders, "and in June, the cupcake fairy brings green cupcakes with sprinkles!" 

We always take a few moments to say hello to those special teachers;  This year, a familiar face for many years in the life of our kids, is now the Principal.  Oh, that smile!

While we were there, the full 6^th grade passed by wearing duck caps.  Hmmm, this is not a normal fashion accessory, but then it suddenly hit me...  "The ducklings have hatched!"  Yep!  A long time tradition at our school is to get duck eggs as part of a science project.  The kids always anxiously await the pending hatching and when they hatch, it's time to celebrate!  Cupcakes and the duckling celebration in the same day....how awesome is that!!!  When the project is over, the ducklings are taken to a ‘no kill’ duck farm to lay the next generation of duck eggs for the next 6^th grade celebration.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I heard my name, and turned around to see our sweet neighbor.  This sweet guy has been so good to me over the years.  His mom was in that final waddling phase of pregnancy when we moved in next door, so we have known him his whole life.  He was always the little brother trailing the big kids in and out of the house as our kids were growing up.  When Josh died and people didn't know what to do, he would stop what he was doing when he saw me and just give me hugs.  There he was with his big smile!  He is one of the few who still know the story behind the cupcakes, and he was so excited to finally get one.

In that instance, with just that little smile and hello, I went from despondent, to feeling love.  Yes, it is truly the little things that bring joy.

After our little adventure, I dropped everyone off at home to do their own thing, and picked up my cemetery bag.  I’ll bet there aren’t too many people who have one of those.  Mine holds cleaning items, gardening tools, florist wire and wire cutters.  I went to pick out some flowers, and then went over to the cemetery to take care of Joshua’s stone.  I held the bouquet together with some florist wire, and  lovingly placed them in the vase and tapped his stone as I stepped away.  I always have to stop to say hello to our other next door neighbor who is in his final resting place directly across from Josh, and thank him for watching over my baby. 

Then I came home, and went immediately to my special place on the patio surrounded by my beautiful butterfly garden, listening to the water fall from the fountain the girls gave me for that first Mother’s Day, to just be and dream.

Later that evening, this was what waited for me on Facebook. 

Six years ago I was blessed to have an angel in my science class. Happy Birthday in heaven, Joshua! The cupcake fairies made an appearance again this year in your honor. Green frosting was on everyone's lips and my heart was full of memories of you and your amazing family!

Little things seem nothing, but they give peace, like those meadow flowers which individually seem odorless but all together perfume the air. ~Georges Bernanos

Happy Birthday Joshie! 

Hugs,

Sherri

Snowcation 2016

We’re on our 3^rd day of our 'Snowcation!'  I’ve actually run out of pjs to wear, so I’m gonna have to do some laundry. 

True to form, the local media stirred panic with their week long special reports, “the sky is falling, make sure you fill you house floor to ceiling with water, bread and butter”.  I’ve always wondered,

What can you do with bread, water and butter?

My cart was filled with a couple of steaks, a pot roast and some wine…that seemed more practical.  While others were panicked about being stuck at home, I was planning romantic dinners, movies, and a contingency that if electricity gave out, a cozy fire and candles.

 Colleagues outside of the area called to share their concern for us...so sweet!  I assured them, all was well. Couples and families will have much needed time together….and the proof will be the baby boom in about 10 months.

Brad's car is a great decoration...it ain't goin anywhere!

I pulled the car into the garage just as the snow started to fall.  24 hours later, it was still falling and the street disappeared.  Brad left his car out...here's what happened to his black car.

Brad and I shoveled 5 times on Saturday, 3 times on Sunday, and today our goal will be to break through the 4 foot wall that stands between us and the street.

 

I took this time to do a little cleaning out.   

My first project was the records drawers in our basement.  Earlier this week, I worked on our taxes, so as I went through the drawers,  I  took out my tax returns from 2008 to destroy them;  At that moment there was a lump in my throat as I realized there is only 1 more year that Joshua will be listed as my child.  While he will always be my child, the IRS will no longer care.   Ugh…it seemed like a “nothing” moment, yet, I felt those tears. 

Gotta snap out of it!  I turned my attention to some piles nearby and found some Josh treasures within.  School reports, artwork.  What a gift!

I finished what I was doing for the day and came upstairs just as Joshua's favorite football player, Peyton Manning was on the tv celebrating his team's victory!  We get to see Peyton and the Broncos in the Super Bowl again.  Oh my gosh, Josh was would be doing a happy dance.  I did it for him!

I went to bed that night with my electric blanket wrapped around me and slept like a rock.

When I woke up,  I took Alex for a walk on the street;  The only spot to walk.  Alex was so happy to stretch his legs.  It was a beautiful with the sun rising upon our quiet street.   I was alone with my thoughts when   I felt the urge to look up.  Joshua's bedroom was lit.   We hadn't turned it on, so I knew that in the stillness of the morning, Josh was taking the moment to say “Good Morning!"

There is always music amongst the trees in the garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it.  ~Minnie Aumonier

Joshua 2003

Stay Safe and Warm!

Hugs!

Sherri

Not Me!

When I was growing up, my brother and I would do all kinds of stupid kid things;  Soon after, mom would come in and ask, "Who did it?"  (Who left the toys out, forgot to close the front door letting all the animals run amok?)   We would both yell out “NOT ME!”   She would roll her eyes, and send us off to corral the wild animals ....an old barking Miniature Schnauzer, who loved to be scratched behind the ears, and two cats so vicious they were known to cuddle up to you and fall asleep.

When I had my own children, the accusations continued, but from a new source...the man who claimed he loved me!  “Who forgot to close the door?”  Not Me!, it must have been one of the kids.  “Who left their bowl in the sink?” Not Me! It must have been one of the kids.  Who left the oven turned on?  Not Me!  It must have been our 3 year old.  Ooops! Grrr, trick question....Ya caught me!

Who forgot to close the dryer so the baby couldn't play in it?  NOT ME!

Last year when he yelled, “Who forgot to turn off the hallway light?  You’re wastin’ resources!”   I responded, Not Me!  Must have been Stephi!



I just LOVE shoes!   I can hide toys in them,  or steal them.

The last several days Brad has been out of town, so it’s just been me, Stealth Kitty and Yankee.  It has been a bit of an awakening.  I came home from work, and found the closet door open, and the light on, leaving full shoes access to an ornery cat.  Can Stealth Kitty reach the light switch?  Nope.  Does he know how to open door knobs?  Still No!

The next morning, I went downstairs to my usual morning spot and found a cereal bowl with dried cereal crumbs laced around it.  I looked around….no kids, no Brad, Yankee doesn’t eat cereal. Who do I accuse, to whom do I deny?  Grrrr, I have to admit it, it’s me!

It’s hard for me to admit to these, and even harder to admit I'm missing my Newmanettes. 

Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing now that we’re Premature Empty Nesters, and I keep telling them, "I'm fine, I'm too busy to notice".  Am I one of those parents feeling a bit lost? NOT ME!  I  finally sat quietly for a few minutes back to back, and it didn’t take long for me to miss them like crazy!  I texted my sister of another mother and told her I needed a drink.  She immediately called and said, “I don’t want you to drink alone, so I’m having a drink with you” and we leaned on one another and our losses for a little while.  She is also an empty nester, and she is very much grieving the recent death of her beloved Professor Hottie, so she understands how I am very much grieving my Joshie, and the bittersweet joy of watching my girls on their life adventures!  After a little while, I felt much better!

My sisters of other mothers

The one thing I am learning in this journey, is life isn't for wussies, and I am so thankful  I have been given wonderful people in my life.  Even though I am obviously prideful, there is one thing I don’t mind denying. ...

Who is walking alone in life's journey?  NOT ME!

Yes, I have acknowledged some bad habits, but I don’t want to take away Brad’s reason for living, so I’m sure I will continue to  leave lights on, doors open, oven turned on, put ice cream in the fridge…shhhhh, sometimes I do it on purpose.     


 

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.  ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

HUGS,

Sherri

Oblivious to the obvious-off to college

It's here, another major milestone!  Brittany is off to college.  I am still in denial and may stay there until ....hmmmm December sounds good...then she'll be home on break.

Brad, always the practical engineer,  has been trying to prepare me for this huge change.  He always forgets I have the gift of being oblivious to the obvious.   I think I like that gift right now.  He is already grieving the loss of having Britt at home to aggravate and love on a daily basis.  I don't feel it yet...I can only focus on today and she's here.

Maybe it's more real for him because he took her to the college visitations "way out there" and watched her face light up once she saw the campus.   He knows her heart is already in Oklahoma.  It will be Brad taking her on the big road trip from Virginia to Oklahoma with stops in Tennessee to visit family.  We will pray hard for Brittany as we know how much Brad loves to travel through busy unfamiliar cities, and how he likes to "passionately critique" other drivers who perhaps aren't focused on driving while behind the wheel.

You would never know this man has travelled all over the world during his career.  He has been fretting about everything.....will everything fit in the car?  Is she packed? Is she ready?  I assure him everything will be fine.  In about a week I won't be so sure.

 Britt is fretting as to whether 10 pairs of shoes and 2 suitcases of clothing are too much.  I remind her, that this is her life...this is not summer camp.   Take it all and see what fits! 

Brad is so focused on Britt that he has filled the car with college stuff and left his beloved golf clubs at home alone without a sitter.  When Britt asked him if he was taking his clubs on this trip with her, and he answered "No, it's all about you!"  I think she was shocked...and touched.  No greater love is there than a parent for their child.

I find it both touching and amusing that Brad is worried for ME when "It" hits the fan.  All those  times he was pacing back and forth that he did over the years as I slept soundly, or read to pass the time, and he is worried about me?!   ...I know he has a valid concern.  Both my Alpha and Omega children will both be away from me.  Let's not think about it. 

Let's think about what this means to Stephi.  I can see it now....Stephi will be so tired of being the center of our attention, that she will run wildly out of the door screaming for space and her independence when it comes her time to leave in two years. 

I'm  now turning to distraction by suggesting to Brittany that she map out the road trip she and her dad will take and stop for some great photo ops such as "Largest ball of yarn; World's largest skillet" or something fun.  It looks like Graceland in Memphis might fit the bill.  I'm sure Brad will love the jungle room.

As my mind wanders, all I can think about is I hope she has as great a college experience as I did.   I loved college and the people who became my life.  I reminded her that she needs to find her "Marcia and Gloria"...former college 'partners in crime' aka roomies who have become sisters of a different mother.   

Oh, and Britt if you're reading this, I really don't need to hear those amazing stories of what made those college friendships great until years from now. My heart is fragile :)

Yep, I'm handling it really well.

~ I have told her I have plans for her room. She just rolls her eyes.

~ I remind her that I won't even notice she's gone. She laughs until she cackles.

~ I have told her I will get my needed daily hugs from other sources...strangers if I have to. She nods in agreement to that one. Hmmmm.

~ I have told her I'm thrilled my house will remain clean.  She reminds me she was the neat child.

I have used great quotes from well respected sources such as the movie "Bull Durham" to get her prepared.  "Brittany, college classes are gonna light you up like a pinball game for a little while; Don't worry about it".  She looks relieved.  Really?  I quote a baseball movie and she gets it!

 I'm not really in denial.  I know I'll miss her and grieve her madly, but right now all I can be is excited for her! How wonderful is this first taste of independence?  She gets to make her own dreams come true and enjoy the moment!  Her "workday" is a day of constant learning, reading, and socializing with people her age.  Her whole world is within walking distance and she will plan her life out a week at a time. No greater time is there than these.

Of course it comes up....that big elephant in the room.  How will she do on her own across country when those pangs for her baby brother hit full force?   I honestly don't know....we are venturing into uncharted territory.  But one thing is certain... I am only 1 exit away from the airport and I will cash in my 401k if that's what I need to do to get to her in a time of need. 

She is my oldest child, my light, my world and now it's time for me to let her grow her earthly wings.  I just won't let her see the tears that fall as we leave her on her own.    I have to keep remembering that she is God's child and there are things he needs her to do so I will do my best to cut the apron strings and let her do her thing.

It all comes down to this great quote by Eleanor Powell.....
  "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." ~Eleanor Powell

Sending Hugs to my Beautiful Brittany! 

Hugs,
Sherri

a True Memorial Day

 As many of you know, I love my roommates (aka sisters of different mothers) to the ends of the earth. Perhaps we were a little crazy a few years ago, and perhaps we had no idea what we were in for from the moment we met, but I am so thankful for their friendship and love.

When Marcia called yesterday, I didn't think anything of it and when she continued to say she needed to ask a favor, I responded without hesitation or thought, "sure, whatever you need!"

Marcia was staying at a friend's house for the long Memorial Day weekend when her friend received the phone call we all dread but sadly so many have received. His son had been killed in action in Afghanistan late last week!

When she told me this, my heart immediately sank to that pit in my stomach and I felt such a rush of sadness at this news. There is always such deep sadness when someone becomes a member of the club noone wants to join...bereaved parent.


Marcia just started a new job and doesn't have any time off, so she asked me to stand in for her and attend this young soldier's service in the DC metro area to include burial in Arlington Cemetery.

My first thought was "absolutely, it would be an honour." Then...the panic attack hit...I'm not ready to support anyone else, I'm still reeling from my own loss so how can I help another?

If Marcia believes I can do it, I will give it my all. Maybe I can even use the experience I have gained over the last 17 months to be of assistance to this family that is so new in their loss.

How ironic/terrible/sad that this Son of America has fallen during the weekend when we remember
those who made the greatest sacrifice.

I do not expect this to be easy for anyone, so I ask that you please keep the Busch family in your prayers. Also if you wouldn't mind, please pray that I may maintain my composure, and offer words of comfort this family.

Remembering those who gave their lives for my freedom!

Hugs,

Sherri

Smiles

I've shared how I am the eternal optimist and even though we are facing the saddest time of the year, the one year Angelversary of losing Josh, I can still look back over the last few months and find things that make me smile..some smiles from acts of kindness, some valiant acts of friendship and support, and some from the unbelievable and politically incorrect.  If you choose to read on, please do not take offense....sometimes politically incorrect is the only way to get through the tough times.

 

And in answer to the questions you want to ask but are afraid.  Yes, this is a very tough week already.  There is still so much numbness and the hurts come at unexpected times without warning.  There are so many great things happening in our daughters' lives that their brother is missing and so we are learning to ignore the heartwrenching pangs and truly smile at their happiness .  Life goes on at an incredible pace but we take it a bit slower since we are not functioning with full hearts, yet we are moving forward, we are striving to live on and love on!

 

Hugs,

Sherri

 

• I smile at the petite Irish chick who broke through the two burly police officers to get to my family.
• I smile at the memory of seeing one of the hardened burly police officers shed a tear when he thought noone was looking.
• I smile at the memory of the one who sat on the front porch with me as my heart laid shattered and my body in shock!
• I smile at the beautiful candlelit street and group of friends awaiting my family after so many came to pay respects and give hugs.
• I smile at the memory of Brad's good friend Paul strolling into our home ready to help in anyway.
• I smile at the memory of  our dear friends rushing to our aid and tripping over each other as they organized our house for the impending rush of loved ones.
• I smile at my beautiful girls who continue to amaze me.
• I smile at our families dropping everything to be with us.
• I smile at my daughters' friends who came to offer support and became distracted by"the hottie cousins" from out of town.
• I smile at all the faces I remember seeing as we laid our youngest to rest on a peaceful hill. 
• I smile at the huge amount of Thanksgiving food items that showed up in our kitchen by so many who put their needs behind ours on that special day.
• I smile at the sweet children who sat outside the parlor with tears streaming down their faces as they remembered my sweet boy..their friend.
• I smile at the sweet people who braved the snowy cold morning to walk for epilepsy.
• I smile at my brother who has a knack for showing up at my side whenever I need him.
• I smile at the memory of Stephanie meeting her new favorite disney princess at DisneyWorld.
• I smile at the old fat cat curling up next to my daughter to soothe her.
• I smile at the stupid stink bugs that Josh sends to his sisters on a regular basis.
• I smile at the day Brittany  received her senior school photos.
• I smile at the roommates who have come regularly to fill my cup and renew my spirit.
• I smile at the big husband of mine who has been so gentle and vulnerable and not afraid to show it.
• I smile at the fact that my big husband was faced with a life-threatening illness and came out a victor.
• I smile at the folks at work who do their best to protect me, make me laugh and lend me their shoulders without judgement.
• I smile at the memory of my sweet ornery little boy who loved life and lived it to the fullest.





Stephanie and Joshua at our favorite beach outside Athens.

 

My sweet Joshua, we LOVE you, MISS you, and LAUGH on for you!

Crunchy on the inside

I recently had a massage. This monthly visit started 9 months ago shortly after Joshua's death when I found myself physically aching all over and Brad noticed how tight my shoulders were to the touch....then like magic, a coupon showed up in the mail for one of those new massage chains, and off to the masseuse I went. God bless the masseuse! This angel here on earth with fingers of rubbery steel worked diligently to offer relief to my crunchy body. I was actually so knotted she told me "I don't normally say this, but you NEED to come see me again as soon as possible."

Funny thing about all this was while I was very crunchy on the inside I looked perfectly fine on the outside...hmmmm.

I have to admit something to you....10 months out, I am not ok...losing Joshua is an excruciating pain that stays with me 24/7, but I am getting really good at playing the "I'm ok game" pretty well. The "I'm OK Game" is the game I'm learning to play to make those around me feel more comfortable at work, around town, etc. I put on a socially acceptable expression, state I'm fine and "act normal"...my own personal reason for this is I don't want to be the center of pity, I don't want the attention and I do prefer to mourn in private.. not to mention that until I finally play and win the lottery, I gotta keep my day job to put food on the table.

The only problem with my game is it makes me "crunchy". These aches were only the first of several physical kicks that my family has faced since losing my youngest child. I personally lost 25 lbs within 1 month of Joshua's death (I regained it back about as quickly) developed anemia, and a stomach ulcer. Fortunately, with medication and a little outpatient procedure I am on the mend.

Statistics show that 70-80% of parents who lose a child will experience a medical emergency within 2 years of their loss. This can include anxiety, depression, headaches, and it is believed the stress can trigger cancer in some instances which unfortunately became a reality for our family this past summer that has a positive outcome at the time of this writing. Thanks be to God!

This is my choice...I have chosen to continue to play the OK game to keep friends and family comfortable out of my love and respect, and hope they in return may not verbalize but respectfully allow me to learn how to live again on my own terms. I'm not rushing things anymore...I have my whole life to work on "getting over it" and over time, with prayer, experience and practice be assured I will learn to live again.

In the meantime, as all sides learn our new roles without my sweet ornery little boy, I will continue to be grateful for those little angels with the magic healing at their fingertips who don't even know they are a gift from God.

Hugs!