Crunchy on the inside

I recently had a massage. This monthly visit started 9 months ago shortly after Joshua's death when I found myself physically aching all over and Brad noticed how tight my shoulders were to the touch....then like magic, a coupon showed up in the mail for one of those new massage chains, and off to the masseuse I went. God bless the masseuse! This angel here on earth with fingers of rubbery steel worked diligently to offer relief to my crunchy body. I was actually so knotted she told me "I don't normally say this, but you NEED to come see me again as soon as possible."

Funny thing about all this was while I was very crunchy on the inside I looked perfectly fine on the outside...hmmmm.

I have to admit something to you....10 months out, I am not ok...losing Joshua is an excruciating pain that stays with me 24/7, but I am getting really good at playing the "I'm ok game" pretty well. The "I'm OK Game" is the game I'm learning to play to make those around me feel more comfortable at work, around town, etc. I put on a socially acceptable expression, state I'm fine and "act normal"...my own personal reason for this is I don't want to be the center of pity, I don't want the attention and I do prefer to mourn in private.. not to mention that until I finally play and win the lottery, I gotta keep my day job to put food on the table.

The only problem with my game is it makes me "crunchy". These aches were only the first of several physical kicks that my family has faced since losing my youngest child. I personally lost 25 lbs within 1 month of Joshua's death (I regained it back about as quickly) developed anemia, and a stomach ulcer. Fortunately, with medication and a little outpatient procedure I am on the mend.

Statistics show that 70-80% of parents who lose a child will experience a medical emergency within 2 years of their loss. This can include anxiety, depression, headaches, and it is believed the stress can trigger cancer in some instances which unfortunately became a reality for our family this past summer that has a positive outcome at the time of this writing. Thanks be to God!

This is my choice...I have chosen to continue to play the OK game to keep friends and family comfortable out of my love and respect, and hope they in return may not verbalize but respectfully allow me to learn how to live again on my own terms. I'm not rushing things anymore...I have my whole life to work on "getting over it" and over time, with prayer, experience and practice be assured I will learn to live again.

In the meantime, as all sides learn our new roles without my sweet ornery little boy, I will continue to be grateful for those little angels with the magic healing at their fingertips who don't even know they are a gift from God.

Hugs!