Not Me!

When I was growing up, my brother and I would do all kinds of stupid kid things;  Soon after, mom would come in and ask, "Who did it?"  (Who left the toys out, forgot to close the front door letting all the animals run amok?)   We would both yell out “NOT ME!”   She would roll her eyes, and send us off to corral the wild animals ....an old barking Miniature Schnauzer, who loved to be scratched behind the ears, and two cats so vicious they were known to cuddle up to you and fall asleep.

When I had my own children, the accusations continued, but from a new source...the man who claimed he loved me!  “Who forgot to close the door?”  Not Me!, it must have been one of the kids.  “Who left their bowl in the sink?” Not Me! It must have been one of the kids.  Who left the oven turned on?  Not Me!  It must have been our 3 year old.  Ooops! Grrr, trick question....Ya caught me!

Who forgot to close the dryer so the baby couldn't play in it?  NOT ME!

Last year when he yelled, “Who forgot to turn off the hallway light?  You’re wastin’ resources!”   I responded, Not Me!  Must have been Stephi!



I just LOVE shoes!   I can hide toys in them,  or steal them.

The last several days Brad has been out of town, so it’s just been me, Stealth Kitty and Yankee.  It has been a bit of an awakening.  I came home from work, and found the closet door open, and the light on, leaving full shoes access to an ornery cat.  Can Stealth Kitty reach the light switch?  Nope.  Does he know how to open door knobs?  Still No!

The next morning, I went downstairs to my usual morning spot and found a cereal bowl with dried cereal crumbs laced around it.  I looked around….no kids, no Brad, Yankee doesn’t eat cereal. Who do I accuse, to whom do I deny?  Grrrr, I have to admit it, it’s me!

It’s hard for me to admit to these, and even harder to admit I'm missing my Newmanettes. 

Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing now that we’re Premature Empty Nesters, and I keep telling them, "I'm fine, I'm too busy to notice".  Am I one of those parents feeling a bit lost? NOT ME!  I  finally sat quietly for a few minutes back to back, and it didn’t take long for me to miss them like crazy!  I texted my sister of another mother and told her I needed a drink.  She immediately called and said, “I don’t want you to drink alone, so I’m having a drink with you” and we leaned on one another and our losses for a little while.  She is also an empty nester, and she is very much grieving the recent death of her beloved Professor Hottie, so she understands how I am very much grieving my Joshie, and the bittersweet joy of watching my girls on their life adventures!  After a little while, I felt much better!

My sisters of other mothers

The one thing I am learning in this journey, is life isn't for wussies, and I am so thankful  I have been given wonderful people in my life.  Even though I am obviously prideful, there is one thing I don’t mind denying. ...

Who is walking alone in life's journey?  NOT ME!

Yes, I have acknowledged some bad habits, but I don’t want to take away Brad’s reason for living, so I’m sure I will continue to  leave lights on, doors open, oven turned on, put ice cream in the fridge…shhhhh, sometimes I do it on purpose.     


 

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.  ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

HUGS,

Sherri

Light in their Eyes!

The house is so quiet.  The girls are at college, Brad is travelling for work;   His travel happened to be near Britt, and coincidentally?!  It was the weekend of the Tennessee/Oklahoma game at Oklahoma!

Let the trash talking begin! They were pretty civilized about it.  It didn't seem fair to me since I've been forced to relive U of Akron's defeat to Tennessee THIRTY YEARS AGO.  I just roll my eyes and tell him to Let it go already!!!   

His plan for this game was pretty diplomatic.  Support his beloved Vols while also being the supportive Dad…his chosen outfit?  Red OU shorts and a orange UT shirt.  BLAGHHHHH!  I cringe when I think of that combo.  I asked him to consider a white shirt with orange T on it, but he would hear nothing about it.

Game on!  I was sitting with friends christening a friend’s new patio/fire pit on a crisp and cool fall night, when the photos began to come my way.

I love this photo!  My first thought was, look how beautiful my oldest child has become.

 

Then the unexpected happened? I started getting photos from Stephi who was checking out the local sights around Wilmington.  She included this photo, and I thought, Oh my goodness, look how beautiful my second child has become.

 

 

They are both growing up, and it is my joy to watch them make their way.  They also have been working through their grief, and I love that there is a light in their eyes.  They both miss Josh so much, and there are some heartbreaking phone calls, but moments captured like these give me such Joy!

Oh by the way, Oklahoma whipped Tennessee’s butt…

The game of life is a lot like football.  You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.  ~ Lewis Grizzard

HUGS!

Sherri

 

Empty Nestin - Decorating

Decorating has been my distraction lately.  Now that the girls are off to college, I’m looking at their rooms with fresh eyes.  Since they took most of their stuff with them, I need to make their rooms cute again. 

Britt’s room was pretty easy,  all I had to do was walk around my house and grab a few things, such as the lovely bottles left to us by Brad’s grandmother, a huge starfish from a long ago Bahamas trip, some great seashells, and voila.  Beachy Bedroom!
 

  


Stephi’s room still has a lot of her stuff, but there are gaps.  I was sitting there when one of her garden photos grabbed my attention.  THAT’S IT!!  I'll use Stephi’s GARDEN PHOTOS! 

Stephi is a great amateur photographer with a great eye!  I love her work so much there are several on the walls throughout our house.  Here are two I want to put on her walls.

 
 
I kept walking by, and finally opened the door to Joshua’s room.  We’ve changed little things over the last 3 ½ years, but it's still Josh.   Since it is the largest kids bedroom, with a large bed, his room has always been our guest room.  That meant throwing Josh out from time to time, but he didn’t mind. 

These days, I keep wondering if we should leave it as the room of a "forever 12 year old boy", or update it a bit like we have updated the girls rooms. 

I would like to make it welcoming and peaceful, though I don’t know if that’s possible; The four of us are split on what to do.

 
I looked at Peyton Manning's jersey!  Josh was such a huge  Peyton Manning fan.  He wrote how happy he was to get to see Peyton and the Colts play the Washington Redskins. 

I’m so happy Josh and Brad had that night together!  When we lose a love one, we tend to hone in on regrets.  In this case, we got something right.

As it should, although I object at times, life has moved on around us, and so has Peyton who is now a Denver Bronco.  I changed Joshua's Colts bedspread right after his funeral, which was pretty traumatic for all of us.  Last week, I changed the window valance to match the bedding, which  I admit, brought on some anxiety on my part. 

After all of this, there was still one thing I just had to do!  Something was missing.….a Broncos banner.  I went online and ordered a pennant to go on the wall opposite of the Colts banner. 

Who knew how emotional it would be to fill these three rooms?!  Just yesterday, it seems,  I was getting after the Newmanettes to keep a path clear from bed to door. 

Oh how I miss the messes, the smells, and the sounds!
  
 I sat down on the edge of the bed after I tacked the banner on the wall, and found my eyes full of the tears I couldn't stop, but when they finally did stop, I stood up, put fresh sheets on the bed, and thanked God that there are three rooms that hold treasures and memories of my three children.


“A child enters your home and for the next twenty or so years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. Then the child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -- John Andrew Holmes

Hugs,

Sherri

Happy Mother’s Day – It’s complicated

If you want me, I’ll be building a stone wall around my butterfly garden.  I’m really pretty proud of it; I’m building it myself!  That counts as exercise, right?  I know it's Mother’s Day and I‘m supposed to be pampered by my kids.…whatever!

My rock wall...in the works!

Ever since Josh died, I choose to spend this holiday close to home, usually piddling around my flower beds, and that’s ok.  I make no apologies for this. 
What will we do for lunch since I’m definitely not cooking?  TAKEOUT!  When Brad asked what we were doing for lunch?  Stephi giggled when she told him she promised to go pick up lunch for me. 



Phil Vassar singing "Carlene"

Yep, I have two wonderful daughters I love to hang out with, and we can get pretty silly together.  Just last week, Stephi and I flew out to be with Britt in Oklahoma.  We did some shoppin, lots of eating, and took a road trip to see my fave country singer Phil Vassar, in a concert in the middle of a field in rural Oklahoma. 

The best part came when the girls got to meet Phil;  It was true love for them!  Phil's music has brought so much joy to our lives, and now they know he’s a great guy too.  Sitting before the concert laughing with the girls, making new friends, and then jammin' to songs full of great memories, are my joys of motherhood.

Britt & Stephi meeting Phil

 



I cherish my girls and love them like crazy. They know that, and as sisters who lost their brother, they totally “get me”.  We just talked about it in Oklahoma, and they are cool with my Mother's Day choices.   They see me smiling and laughing with them when we're together, and that’s all they care about.



This is one of my new friends.  What a cutie!!!

 

 

Oh how I love making new memories with them!  I wish Josh was there, and he’s not.  At times, it makes me sad; at times it brings me to my knees.  I am so blessed to have loved someone so dearly that I still miss him like crazy 3 ½ years after his death.

So please make those reservations, fight the crowds for a great meal if you want, send flowers to your mom, and cherish them.  I will take mine at home and work on my wall….and probably get dragged out to the golf range because did I tell you?  I just started golf lessons.  More on that next time.

Wishing you a Heartfelt Happy Mother’s Day!

Hugs,

Sherri

When a 5K is named after your son

It's really happening.....the 1st Annual Joshua Newman Memorial 5K Run/Walk.  Two of Joshua's classmates wanted to organize this event for their Girl Scout Bronze Award, the highest honor a Girl Scout Junior can achieve because they were so deeply affected by the loss of their classmate, neighbor and friend.  Several neighbors had been holding a casual after Thanksgiving 5K run and together with our girl scouts they approached Brad and I for permission to make this an event to honor Josh and raise SUDEP awareness.

Our response was an immediate and unanimous yes! We truly feel we want to do what we can so another parent/loved one doesn't walk in and find their sweet ones lost to SUDEP.  We could walk away and live our lives as they are, but dear God how can we?  This is such a devastating thing to live through...it will be part of our day to day lives for the next 30+ years...I do not want another family trying to live through this.

Let's just get it out in the open...no matter how awesome and meaningful the event, it is strange to see my child's name on a memorial event.  I would much rather have him here as only a funny neighborhood boy everyone knows and waves to.  I'd would much rather ask him if he would like to walk with me around the block, or in the Shenandoah instead of coordinating efforts to organize a walk to raise awareness to the challenges of epilepsy.

 

It has truly helped  me to see friends and family take the event flyers and share our event with their friends.  The love they show is incredible.  I keep saying that we are doing this because of  Love!  We love Josh!!!  We love him so much that even after his death, we want to do something special for him.

During a sad moment, I even reached out to an old hometown acquaintance who has a lot more experience in advocacy as a result of surviving a devastating loss.  As busy as he is, he took the time to respond to my note, for which I am so grateful....hearing from him made me feel better, and the end of his note, answered my heart...Here's the end of his note....

1 Corinthians 16:13-14

¹³ Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. ¹⁴ Do everything in love.

Thanks, I needed that.....

Please join us for the Joshua Newman Memorial 5K Run/Walk..  I will be there as the official hugger!!
http://www.events.org/Newman5k/cpage.aspx?e=47519


Hugs!
Sherri





 

 

Oblivious to the obvious-off to college

It's here, another major milestone!  Brittany is off to college.  I am still in denial and may stay there until ....hmmmm December sounds good...then she'll be home on break.

Brad, always the practical engineer,  has been trying to prepare me for this huge change.  He always forgets I have the gift of being oblivious to the obvious.   I think I like that gift right now.  He is already grieving the loss of having Britt at home to aggravate and love on a daily basis.  I don't feel it yet...I can only focus on today and she's here.

Maybe it's more real for him because he took her to the college visitations "way out there" and watched her face light up once she saw the campus.   He knows her heart is already in Oklahoma.  It will be Brad taking her on the big road trip from Virginia to Oklahoma with stops in Tennessee to visit family.  We will pray hard for Brittany as we know how much Brad loves to travel through busy unfamiliar cities, and how he likes to "passionately critique" other drivers who perhaps aren't focused on driving while behind the wheel.

You would never know this man has travelled all over the world during his career.  He has been fretting about everything.....will everything fit in the car?  Is she packed? Is she ready?  I assure him everything will be fine.  In about a week I won't be so sure.

 Britt is fretting as to whether 10 pairs of shoes and 2 suitcases of clothing are too much.  I remind her, that this is her life...this is not summer camp.   Take it all and see what fits! 

Brad is so focused on Britt that he has filled the car with college stuff and left his beloved golf clubs at home alone without a sitter.  When Britt asked him if he was taking his clubs on this trip with her, and he answered "No, it's all about you!"  I think she was shocked...and touched.  No greater love is there than a parent for their child.

I find it both touching and amusing that Brad is worried for ME when "It" hits the fan.  All those  times he was pacing back and forth that he did over the years as I slept soundly, or read to pass the time, and he is worried about me?!   ...I know he has a valid concern.  Both my Alpha and Omega children will both be away from me.  Let's not think about it. 

Let's think about what this means to Stephi.  I can see it now....Stephi will be so tired of being the center of our attention, that she will run wildly out of the door screaming for space and her independence when it comes her time to leave in two years. 

I'm  now turning to distraction by suggesting to Brittany that she map out the road trip she and her dad will take and stop for some great photo ops such as "Largest ball of yarn; World's largest skillet" or something fun.  It looks like Graceland in Memphis might fit the bill.  I'm sure Brad will love the jungle room.

As my mind wanders, all I can think about is I hope she has as great a college experience as I did.   I loved college and the people who became my life.  I reminded her that she needs to find her "Marcia and Gloria"...former college 'partners in crime' aka roomies who have become sisters of a different mother.   

Oh, and Britt if you're reading this, I really don't need to hear those amazing stories of what made those college friendships great until years from now. My heart is fragile :)

Yep, I'm handling it really well.

~ I have told her I have plans for her room. She just rolls her eyes.

~ I remind her that I won't even notice she's gone. She laughs until she cackles.

~ I have told her I will get my needed daily hugs from other sources...strangers if I have to. She nods in agreement to that one. Hmmmm.

~ I have told her I'm thrilled my house will remain clean.  She reminds me she was the neat child.

I have used great quotes from well respected sources such as the movie "Bull Durham" to get her prepared.  "Brittany, college classes are gonna light you up like a pinball game for a little while; Don't worry about it".  She looks relieved.  Really?  I quote a baseball movie and she gets it!

 I'm not really in denial.  I know I'll miss her and grieve her madly, but right now all I can be is excited for her! How wonderful is this first taste of independence?  She gets to make her own dreams come true and enjoy the moment!  Her "workday" is a day of constant learning, reading, and socializing with people her age.  Her whole world is within walking distance and she will plan her life out a week at a time. No greater time is there than these.

Of course it comes up....that big elephant in the room.  How will she do on her own across country when those pangs for her baby brother hit full force?   I honestly don't know....we are venturing into uncharted territory.  But one thing is certain... I am only 1 exit away from the airport and I will cash in my 401k if that's what I need to do to get to her in a time of need. 

She is my oldest child, my light, my world and now it's time for me to let her grow her earthly wings.  I just won't let her see the tears that fall as we leave her on her own.    I have to keep remembering that she is God's child and there are things he needs her to do so I will do my best to cut the apron strings and let her do her thing.

It all comes down to this great quote by Eleanor Powell.....
  "What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." ~Eleanor Powell

Sending Hugs to my Beautiful Brittany! 

Hugs,
Sherri

Madea saves the Day

My life has been one big rollypollyupsidedownspinningdroppingbulletquick rollercoaster ride these last few months since Joshua passed away. One second I'm peacefully trying to climb the hill, the next I'm upside down and don't even know what hit me. Although I love rollercoasters, I realize there is a time to get off the ride and rest before the next one. Unfortunately, this rollercoaster won't stop. I have sought remedies in many nooks and crannies...I can just imagine where some of your thoughts take you in response to this statement. (shame on some of you! lol)

I have searched through dozens of books, listened to music of all genres, visited with my local grief counselor, attended support groups and bible studies, and yet the only place I seem to find some peace and quiet is with Madea!

For those who don't know...Madea is a ficticious 'Mad Black Woman' whose life is surrounded by chaos and ugliness, much of which is her own fault, but through is all she never strays far from the God that gave ya what he gave ya. Luuurrd Be Praised..Oh did I mention that Madea is actually a man? Madea is played by the writer who created her, Tyler Perry....so now you know I have gone off the deep end, I have turned to a drag queen for peace and inspiration.

Madea has managed to shoot at people, get sent to jail, and run her big ole caddy through the drive thru window when the girl at the drive-thru sassed her....Madea don't do sassing! The perfect mentor right?

Though comedic, there is always a moral to the story with God peeking through as a natural part throughout. One scene that recently struck home was when the character played by Cicely Tyson shares with a young woman about the loss of her beloved husband. While the young woman sympathizes, Cicely stops her and reminds her of how beautifully blessed she is to have had the chance to love a man like that in her life.

That is something that sticks with me. I have been divinely blessed to be given the gift to carry that child for 10 months, raise him and his sisters with all my heart, and build years of cherished memories among all the chaos. I am better for having him in my life and even now that he is gone, his legacy continues as he teaches me new things everyday.

It has taken a lot to help me realize those gifts bestowed upon me and Madea's simple stories have touched my broken heart reinforcing how lucky I truly am.

Is it any wonder that I seek the company of those who are genuine in their faith? Those who wear the wounds of life both seen and unseen who are still able to whole heartedly praise God and be a hoot to spend time with?

This is not the path I would have chosen, but it is what it is and while it may take a little while I know my adventurous spirit and daring suburban mom ways will prevail.

May you be hugged in the sunshine and warmth of Love!
Hugs!
Sherri