Yeah, But

I know, it’s been a LONG time since I posted something.  It isn’t that I’ve stopped writing down thoughts, it just that they ‘re not very  cohesive.   Pretty much “Yeah…. But”.

Yeah, we got our new shelter pup, who’s been a lot of work BUT he’s so doggon’ cute;  believe me, his cuteness saves him on a daily basis.  Our first walks resembled a pin ball machine dart right, dart left, dart back,dart left…oh crap, the leash is  around my legs cutting off my circulation.  He thought trash cans were meant to be “trashed,” and dog beds “christened”.

Fast forward 3 months and we now mosey to the right, and mosey to the left;   Ever since he trained us to make sure he gets his morning and evening walk in addition to his back yard runs, the christenings have ceased.  A “sps” noise diverts all trashing episodes, and his cuddles and kisses have made a welcomed difference in our day to day empty nester world.

Britt graduates from OU in May and is prepping for grad school in Nebraska.  Whaaaaahhhhh….says my mother heart! Being 21 hours from home is hard enough when she texts me or calls me during a  “life is hard moment.” When that happens, I just want to step through the phone and hold her.  Luckily, she is doing really well, enjoying roadtrips, acing her classes and keeping us entertained with all the photos to go with it!  No matter where she goes, we will find those airline specials that go from DC to ?????.

I just got to see Stephi last weekend.  She is looking forward to turning 20 on February 29^th! Yep, it’s Leap Year and she wants to go to Disney which stays open 24 hours every Leap Year.   We spent last weekend at the beach for some girls’ time…with puppy!  She usually comes north, but when I offered some beach livin’ and ‘chik flik binging’, she was all in!  I stopped by to pick her up at her house… Oh my gosh, think about that…my daughter’s house!   We had a great time! I have to admit, it’s so nice to talk about life without having to threaten with “because I said so!”   

Yeah, both girls are back in college, and Brad and I are finding things to do together and separately, BUT we crave those simple evening meals and movie nights with the Newmanettes. 

Brad is usually off with his dimpled mistress for one day per weekend, and I kick up my weekend Martha Stewart warrior.   The physical cleaning, organizing and reorganizing is my coping mechanism/relaxing.  No judging....whatever works!  I throw some Yoga in there too!

We have been setting up double dates with some great couples too!  We started attending a bible study together, and continue our nightly walks to catch up with each other.  Yeah, we’re in a good place together BUT we are both struggling with the milestone we face next month.  Joshua’s death 5 years ago from SUDEP.

We both look at each other and wonder how we made it all this time without our Joshua.  At first it was breath by breath, moment by moment, now the two worlds seem to coexist;  Memories of Josh and the pang of missing him accompany the life that continues.

People often wonder how the world can go on when their child dies, and you can keep asking that question, but we have learned that the sun does continue rise and set, bills need to be paid, and in our case, we have two living daughters who continue to bring joy. 

I’ve become pretty adept at merging the two worlds…probably more than I realize.  The other day I was chatting with my supervisor and was playfully threatening to become cranky and mean.  She responded, “I can’t even picture that because you are always so cheerful”.  Little does she know that while we’re sitting in a meeting discussing important matters, Joshua flashes through my thoughts.  I don’t even miss my response by a beat. 

Yeah, I’m finding moments of contentment BUT I achingly miss my boy! Yeah, I am finding moments of joy BUT there is that level of grief that sits in that same space.  I have found my  emotions seem to match Kenny Chesney’s song “Save it for a Rainy Day” where he sings about tucking away the heartbreak and enjoying the sunshine, the joys of life.  That is where I am.  I see it’s a beautiful world, Yeah the sun is too bright, the sky too bright and my heartbreak remains but I tuck the tears away for a rainy day.

Now I’m off to walk my pup to experience God’s wonder as the leaves show their brilliance, at this moment I have visions of Josh jumping into big piles of leaves just raked in the front yard.

Sending Hugs!

Sherri

It's All Gone to the Dogs!

Everyone says it’s summer, but it takes me a moment to realize they're right!  Wow, how life has changed!  My summer used to be all about keeping the kids entertained, but now it’s about going to work, and only baring those glowing white legs in shorts on the weekend while I clean the house and do chores.  I haven’t seen the neighborhood pool in two years.

Don’t cry for me though, a couple of weeks ago I went to Nassau, Bahamas, with the women in my family for a lovely Girl’s Weekend.  This is a tradition that spans well over a decade.  On the first one to New York City, my sister-in-law was pregnant with my niece, and now on this trip,  “almost 16” year old Kayla joined us.  It’s a weekend to enjoy our girliness.  There’s always a spa visit involved, shopping, and a show…this time was Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga…a very interesting choice.

Mom and Stephi share a hug

We’re a pretty close family, so getting along is never an issue, and given the setting, it was a few days in paradise.  We played with dolphins, enjoyed some great food, and just basked in the bright colors and glorious sunsets of paradise. 

Lori and Me with our girls and a new friend.

Note to self:  When spraying aerosol sunscreen on your back, you must actually spray directly in the direction of your back, or you will get sunburned.  I thought I sprayed my back, but a few hours later, it was beet red.  Always the good wife, I blamed Brad, who was back in Virginia!  For 25 years he always applied lotion to my back so I was out of practice contorting my body to make sure I self-covered.

Meanwhile back home, Brad was dealing with heartbreak when our sweet old Yankee boy suffered a major neurological event which left him paralyzed. 

Moments before Yankee learned to jump into waves.

How could I not know this was happening?  I couldn’t access my email account for some reason.  Stephi could, so after a couple of days of sun and fun, I asked her to write to her dad and let him know I was thinking of him, but unable to email.  His response included the string of emails sharing the sad reality of Yankee’s illness.  The next day Brad sent a lovingly written note letting us know Yankee was gone.  For him it had been 4 heart-wrenching days, for us, it had only been  minutes to absorb what happened.

I was immediately overtaken by grief.  I not only mourned the loss of my loving furry companion, but I lost one more piece of my life with Josh.  I could barely speak as I sputtered out the news to Britt and Stephi who both immediately crumbled in tears.  This was the pup of their childhood; The last pet they shared with their brother. 

Sweet Yankee Boy!

The next day we returned to the same house we left only 5 days before, but it was so different.  For the first time in thirteen years there was no wagging tail to greet us.  I saw his things in the garage, and the medical supplies sat in the corner, serving as testament to Brad’s heroics efforts.  There was a paw print in clay on the counter;  This along with his collar became instant treasures.

The silence was starting to get to me....after a couple of weeks the quiet is too much.  When a cat you nickname Stealth Kitty is the only noise in the house, something's gotta change!
I started looking through the various shelter websites for our next pup, much to Brad's chagrin.  He has dreams of jumping on a jet and seeing the world at a moment's notice, but he knows me and loves me enough to support my search for a new family dog. 

We decided to forgo the puppy stage and adopt a non-shedding small dog from a local shelter.  It seemed innocent enough.  The first weekend, Stephi and I laid out our roadmap to visit three shelters that had dogs which met our criteria.  I was very hopeful for the first one;  An adorable Havanese who looked so happy in his beautifully posed photo.  The initial hello was great, so we asked to meet him.  This adorable dog bounced into the room, said hello to us, instantly saw the toys, and went into piranha mode “killing” every toy in the room.  Turns out he was returned for doing that to cats…..this was not a good match for Stealth Kitty, so we had to say goodbye.

The other dogs were adopted before we arrived, and all that was left were big and beautiful shedding babies.  Not a good mix for one with asthma tendencies.  As time went on, every time I found a potential dog, he/she was adopted before my eyes.  I even started to fall for the adorable puppies, but Brad held his ground.

Who knew it would be this competitive?   I was growing impatient and slightly obsessive, so I stepped it up and recruited both girls to search with me.  Together we scoured shelter websites daily.  Finally, we all noticed the same adorable mini doodle named Alex. I immediately called about him, and was actually asked to submit an application.  I took this as a positive sign.

How hard could it be?

Let me just say I am so glad I didn’t have to fill out this application when my babies were born because I’m not sure I would have passed.  I understand the thought and heart behind it, but it is a bit intimidating.  I  suddenly wondered if I had the muster to raise this pup after caring for 5 dogs,  4 cats, 6 hamsters, 4 turtles and 20 fish.

I emailed my application within minutes.   Now all I can do is sit and wait.  God Grant me Patience, but do it now. 

While our country is celebrating Independence Day, I hope to be cuddling a new friend.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Hugs!
Sherri

Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, but it’s about who came and never left your side. ~Unknown

Light in their Eyes!

The house is so quiet.  The girls are at college, Brad is travelling for work;   His travel happened to be near Britt, and coincidentally?!  It was the weekend of the Tennessee/Oklahoma game at Oklahoma!

Let the trash talking begin! They were pretty civilized about it.  It didn't seem fair to me since I've been forced to relive U of Akron's defeat to Tennessee THIRTY YEARS AGO.  I just roll my eyes and tell him to Let it go already!!!   

His plan for this game was pretty diplomatic.  Support his beloved Vols while also being the supportive Dad…his chosen outfit?  Red OU shorts and a orange UT shirt.  BLAGHHHHH!  I cringe when I think of that combo.  I asked him to consider a white shirt with orange T on it, but he would hear nothing about it.

Game on!  I was sitting with friends christening a friend’s new patio/fire pit on a crisp and cool fall night, when the photos began to come my way.

I love this photo!  My first thought was, look how beautiful my oldest child has become.

 

Then the unexpected happened? I started getting photos from Stephi who was checking out the local sights around Wilmington.  She included this photo, and I thought, Oh my goodness, look how beautiful my second child has become.

 

 

They are both growing up, and it is my joy to watch them make their way.  They also have been working through their grief, and I love that there is a light in their eyes.  They both miss Josh so much, and there are some heartbreaking phone calls, but moments captured like these give me such Joy!

Oh by the way, Oklahoma whipped Tennessee’s butt…

The game of life is a lot like football.  You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.  ~ Lewis Grizzard

HUGS!

Sherri

 

Peanut Butter & Jelly

Brittany has returned to school, and is doing well…she’s back in the college saddle again; Brad is off on travel for work all week; Stephi is fully immersed in her wonderful annual choir Broadway Night practice, so she comes home just in time to crawl into bed every night this week.

This means I’m sitting in my big comfy seat, with a lovely fire warming my toes as I watch my current TV show obsessions. The beauty is I don't even have to worry that my TV choice is keeping someone from watching their football games, teenage soaps, or cartoons.

I’m don't even have to worry about feeding anyone, myself included.  As the mother of three young children close in age, the hustle and bustle of life made life chaotic....I truly found the rare quiet night much like tonight a real treat.  Still with all this, I'm desperately wishing it was a Josh and Me night. 

When the girls were off at school or with friends, it would be Josh and me at home.... He was always such a sweetheart during these times without his sisters to aggravate. We both enjoyed "our time" so much.

If Josh were still here with me and he realized we had the house to ourselves, I have little doubt that he would be up here asking for chair time, and talking about life as seen through the eyes of a 14 year old boy. sigh....I’m getting to the point in my grief where I am starting to change those pangs of missing what can't be to remembering my three Newmanettes as little children.

My mind wanders back as I eat my dinner of peanut butter and jelly. PB&J was a Newman food staple. Yes, I nourished my children’s growing bodies with peanut butter and jelly. At first it was sliced into four triangles with crust, then it was four triangles without crust, then we discovered a tool that cuts the bread and seals the sandwich in a circle. Oh rapture, oh bliss….our little bit of heaven on earth through the eyes of three Newmanettes. Josh then took it one step further when he fell in love with Uncrustables. .... Peanut butter and jelly sealed circle sandwiches in a box.

Such a little thing to make someone smile!

My mind returns back to the moment at hand and for a moment I can smile.

Oh the beauty of little things and oh how I miss them!

 ~Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. – Robert Brault

 

Hugs,

Sherri

 

In This Moment

I have had so many unwritten blog entries swirling in my head over the last few weeks.  Such a crazy time of the year.  The world celebrates as the families of those who have lost children try to find the Joy in the darkness.

Yesterday, evil showed his horrible face when one person shot and killed 27 innocent souls, including 20 children.

The media swirl is abound and everyone is beside themselves.  They talk about showing support to those who now face heartbreak and despair during a season of Joy.  They just talk and talk and talk...

Many families will offer heartfelt condolences along the lines of "I can't imagine what you're going through, but I am so sorry". 

Sadly, I can imagine......

It has been two years for our family, our third Christmas without Joshua, and sometime within those two years....(truth be told..pretty much in the last two weeks), I have learned that Christmas is magical because it is a book we keep in our hearts full of those great memories of happiness, peace and joy.  The beautiful realization is that this book includes memories that noone can take away, and they are the greatest gift!

Pray for these families....they will need all the strength prayer can muster to get them through their holidays. Not only will Christmas presents remain untouched under newly decorated trees, but many are in the middle of Hanukkah and have lost their child during their holiest of seasons.

Send notes of love not only to those lost in yesterday's tragedy, but to those you know who have lost a child at any time...every one of these tragedies tears the wound of loss wide open!

Keep those you love close!

Give Hugs every opportunity you have!

Merry Christmas....may your book be full of Christmas memories!

Hugs,
Sherri