I need a Silent Night

 We really made an effort for Christmas this year.   We threw ourselves into the preparations for our first hosted Holiday Party, we dusted off decorations and lights we hadn’t used since Josh died 6 Christmases ago, and we went out and picked up some new ones because we wanted to "Go Big".  We wrapped this house in 'Merry' front to back in and out; even the commodes were decorated.

Either I’m getting old, or I have a lot of stuff because it took quite a while to get it all done.  Mom said it was because I didn’t have my little helpers.  That was probably true…we were planning a party and our kids weren’t a part of it.  How very empty nester of us.

A couple of weeks later, the house filled with friends, music blared, delicious smells of food filled the air, and Stephi walked in with stealth kitty.  Yay!  Bonus! 

Everyone was having a wonderful time, and the last one was out the door at 2 am.  Good thing since I had to be at church to sing the Christmas Cantat 5 hours later.  Who needs sleep?

Choirs were a centerpiece of my world that slipped away as the children arrived and their care took priority.  As part of the throwing myself into the season, I joined not 1 but 2 choirs!   My big plan worked, I was a busy girl with no time to think!

Our choir sang the cantata three times, and though I was wiped out, I jumped at the chance when  Stephi came running down the aisle.  “Mom, that was so good, let’s go celebrate!” This is one of those times where you thank God that your child wants to spend time with you, and you’re very thankful that God also provided caffeine!

Britt arrived on Sunday with her hissing cat…such a friendly guy.  It felt like our very own partridge in a pear tree.  Two hissing cats, one barking dog, and a Christmas tree that miraculously remained intact.

Britt was rushing in so we could see the Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith Holiday concert. Anyone who knows the history of contemporary Christian knows that Amy and Michael are the founders of this.  As a college student, I remember actually thinking the church cared because they were welcoming the music I could relate to.
 
These two musicians love the Lord, have a lion share of musical talents and lets face it, in this time of terrorism and fear, it was a welcomed change to hear heartfelt chords for Christ. 

During a part of their concerts, I swear I could hear the heavens sing a joyous song.  I felt a connection with Josh and tears streamed down my face not only for the beauty of the sound, but the joy that Josh was surrounded by love and beauty and I missed him dearly.  This feeling was captured in a tear.

On Christmas Eve, I was back up in the choir loft making my own joyful noise with both girls next to me.  They were recruited to join the Contemporary choir by my charming ways “C’mon and do this, it will be fun”.   Snagged them!

Silent Night by candlelight made the sanctuary glow in white.  It was gorgeous and those tears that hold every emotion, sat in the corner of my eyes.

Christmas brought fun gifts…the psycho dog discovered tissue paper is cool to shred, all bows had been mysteriously separated from their gifts, and two cats looked on with a glint of guilt.  They were both so curious.  Here’s the moment Britt captured on camera because she thought it look exactly like the photo on the left.  What do you think?

 It was a good Christmas.  We felt the Joy of the Season for the first time in 6 Christmases.  There was only one thing that was missing...Josh!  His stocking may have been empty of stuff, but it was still part of our season, just as Josh always will be. 

Hugs!
Sherri

It's All Gone to the Dogs!

Everyone says it’s summer, but it takes me a moment to realize they're right!  Wow, how life has changed!  My summer used to be all about keeping the kids entertained, but now it’s about going to work, and only baring those glowing white legs in shorts on the weekend while I clean the house and do chores.  I haven’t seen the neighborhood pool in two years.

Don’t cry for me though, a couple of weeks ago I went to Nassau, Bahamas, with the women in my family for a lovely Girl’s Weekend.  This is a tradition that spans well over a decade.  On the first one to New York City, my sister-in-law was pregnant with my niece, and now on this trip,  “almost 16” year old Kayla joined us.  It’s a weekend to enjoy our girliness.  There’s always a spa visit involved, shopping, and a show…this time was Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga…a very interesting choice.

Mom and Stephi share a hug

We’re a pretty close family, so getting along is never an issue, and given the setting, it was a few days in paradise.  We played with dolphins, enjoyed some great food, and just basked in the bright colors and glorious sunsets of paradise. 

Lori and Me with our girls and a new friend.

Note to self:  When spraying aerosol sunscreen on your back, you must actually spray directly in the direction of your back, or you will get sunburned.  I thought I sprayed my back, but a few hours later, it was beet red.  Always the good wife, I blamed Brad, who was back in Virginia!  For 25 years he always applied lotion to my back so I was out of practice contorting my body to make sure I self-covered.

Meanwhile back home, Brad was dealing with heartbreak when our sweet old Yankee boy suffered a major neurological event which left him paralyzed. 

Moments before Yankee learned to jump into waves.

How could I not know this was happening?  I couldn’t access my email account for some reason.  Stephi could, so after a couple of days of sun and fun, I asked her to write to her dad and let him know I was thinking of him, but unable to email.  His response included the string of emails sharing the sad reality of Yankee’s illness.  The next day Brad sent a lovingly written note letting us know Yankee was gone.  For him it had been 4 heart-wrenching days, for us, it had only been  minutes to absorb what happened.

I was immediately overtaken by grief.  I not only mourned the loss of my loving furry companion, but I lost one more piece of my life with Josh.  I could barely speak as I sputtered out the news to Britt and Stephi who both immediately crumbled in tears.  This was the pup of their childhood; The last pet they shared with their brother. 

Sweet Yankee Boy!

The next day we returned to the same house we left only 5 days before, but it was so different.  For the first time in thirteen years there was no wagging tail to greet us.  I saw his things in the garage, and the medical supplies sat in the corner, serving as testament to Brad’s heroics efforts.  There was a paw print in clay on the counter;  This along with his collar became instant treasures.

The silence was starting to get to me....after a couple of weeks the quiet is too much.  When a cat you nickname Stealth Kitty is the only noise in the house, something's gotta change!
I started looking through the various shelter websites for our next pup, much to Brad's chagrin.  He has dreams of jumping on a jet and seeing the world at a moment's notice, but he knows me and loves me enough to support my search for a new family dog. 

We decided to forgo the puppy stage and adopt a non-shedding small dog from a local shelter.  It seemed innocent enough.  The first weekend, Stephi and I laid out our roadmap to visit three shelters that had dogs which met our criteria.  I was very hopeful for the first one;  An adorable Havanese who looked so happy in his beautifully posed photo.  The initial hello was great, so we asked to meet him.  This adorable dog bounced into the room, said hello to us, instantly saw the toys, and went into piranha mode “killing” every toy in the room.  Turns out he was returned for doing that to cats…..this was not a good match for Stealth Kitty, so we had to say goodbye.

The other dogs were adopted before we arrived, and all that was left were big and beautiful shedding babies.  Not a good mix for one with asthma tendencies.  As time went on, every time I found a potential dog, he/she was adopted before my eyes.  I even started to fall for the adorable puppies, but Brad held his ground.

Who knew it would be this competitive?   I was growing impatient and slightly obsessive, so I stepped it up and recruited both girls to search with me.  Together we scoured shelter websites daily.  Finally, we all noticed the same adorable mini doodle named Alex. I immediately called about him, and was actually asked to submit an application.  I took this as a positive sign.

How hard could it be?

Let me just say I am so glad I didn’t have to fill out this application when my babies were born because I’m not sure I would have passed.  I understand the thought and heart behind it, but it is a bit intimidating.  I  suddenly wondered if I had the muster to raise this pup after caring for 5 dogs,  4 cats, 6 hamsters, 4 turtles and 20 fish.

I emailed my application within minutes.   Now all I can do is sit and wait.  God Grant me Patience, but do it now. 

While our country is celebrating Independence Day, I hope to be cuddling a new friend.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Hugs!
Sherri

Friendship isn’t about who you’ve known the longest, but it’s about who came and never left your side. ~Unknown

Leap of Faith?

We would like you to consider going overseas…..

I sat there looking at my managers and I was so flustered.  I didn't know how to respond.  I was flattered, but absolutely terrified…..  I did not see this coming, but then again, since Josh died I tend to stay in the moment and not look ahead.  It's been this way....inching along with life, since that black day in 2010;  Slowly getting back into the game of life, but this would be more like a leap! 

I’ve been working my butt off at work to avoid thinking about what I’ve lost (Joshua) and where I am (Empty Nester), and somehow someone took this as commitment and passion.  Wow, I guess the mask I wear hides it well.   

What does Brad think?  The man has mentally packed his bags, including his golf clubs, and is ready to go.  I was always happy to follow him…and now apparently he’s willing to follow me. 

Me? My thoughts are all over the place……How do I leave my Joshie?  Yes, he has gained his wings and doesn’t need me anymore, but even knowing that doesn’t take away my mama bear need to protect him and be near his resting place.  

How do I leave my girls?  Never mind that they are grown up.  They just need me to touch base from time to time and they're fine with text, phone or video chat.  But my heart still asks “Where will the girls spend their holidays, summers and breaks?”   I needed to know, so I asked them.  They both instantly perked up and told me they would jump on an airplane to come to me.  I guess this is nothing new to them. 

Friends and family?  The friends I have at this point in my life will follow me to the ends of the earth, and we’ll be sure to post those adventures on Facebook!

 

Once upon a time I loved adventure, I loved sights and sounds, I loved people watching, and I loved.  I also loved having my kids with me and raising them wherever life took us.  No matter where home was, I had them with me.  Then Josh died, the girls left one by one for college, and it was back to Brad and me. 

So what’s really at the heart of the matter???  If I do this, I will have to pack Joshua’s room and pack up the girls’ rooms;   I hoped I could put that off another decade or so.    Arrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!   I'm also not so sure how I feel about trying to enjoy life and dream again.   After losing Josh this seemed impossible.

So much to consider.  Fortunately, we are just at the beginning of this and I have some time to keep tossing and turning.  

Here is the test to find whether your purpose on earth is finished:   If you're alive, it isn't.
-Richard Bach

HUGS!
Sherri

A New Milestone

Stephi and Brad went off to a country music concert, Britt is at school, so that means I am left at home with only Stealth kitty and my old pup.  Usually these nights mean sad movies, a bottle of wine, tissues, and photos.

It starts with a nice meal and a glass of wine, it next evolves to another glass and watching a "5 tissue" sad movie.  Then the photos and mementos come out;  They are photos and videos of Josh and the girls together.  By this point I am a blubbering mess asking God WHHHHHHHHhhyyyyyyyy?

Josh gets a head check from a furry friend.
 

It lasts for about 2-3 hours, before I am spent and drag myself to bed where I dream of what was. Usually dreams of the Newmanettes when they were younger and usually they are happy.

Josh on a fast food dinner run. 

You may be one of the sweet ones who try to understand and call this a necessary cleansing.  I call it my necessary evil.  There are those who may not like the addition of wine, but the daily mask I wear is so iron-clad, sometimes it takes a glass of wine to loosen the mask off.

I figured last night would go the usual route, but ya know what? Sometime in June I could feel I made a step in my healing, and last night, I just didn’t feel like taking the usual path.  What I did do was organize and clean in a frenzy, and then I sat and watched some action movies.

I admit I did look at 2 videos, a couple of photos and did shed a couple of tears, but I also laughed.

This is indeed a milestone towards finding my Joy!

You must learn a new way to think before....you can master a new way to be. Marianne Williamson

Hugs!
Sherri

Here are some of my go to "sad" movies:
The Fifth Quarter
P.S. I Love You
Terms of Endearment
My Sister's Keeper
Where The Heart Is
Steel Magnolias
Shadowlands