Making friends is tough!

Stephi came home for the long weekend.  I had no idea she was coming home so it was extra nice!

I was laying across her bed catching up as she unpacked and peppering her with the usual questions

• How are classes going? Great, except Math…..I need to learn to translate Chinglish.
• Are you discovering places around college? No mom.  I prefer hanging with my roomie or the quiet of my room.
• What do you do for fun?  Not much. Video games, Netflix binging Gilmore Girls and Ally McBeal.  Sometimes I walk the beach alone.

This stops me in my tracks and my brain is screaming   Noooooo!  Not that I don't appreciate binge watching Gilmore Girls or Ally McBeal.

A day at the beach. Stephi & Josh

After prodding a bit more it came out.  She doesn’t like to make new friends because she doesn’t want to tell them that her brother is dead.

Hands to the sky.  Whhhhhyyyyyy Myyyy Chilllldddd?

My next thought was maybe this would be a good time to become a helicopter parent and make her life easier.

The Newmanettes

Of course, who am I kiddin'?  I haven’t exactly been a great model myself.  I admit I’ve avoided situations that mean I have to answer the "How many kids do you have?" question. 
There was that time during my annual scrapbooking retreat a couple of years ago, where I went into town for dinner with some of the ladies and suddenly realized there was an empty seat next to me.  My heart raced, my hands sweated as I thought about the possibility of someone sitting there and innocently asking me about my children.  Since then, I’ve opted for pizza delivery with friends who were at my side in 2010.

And I should expect better from a shy teenage girl?   This is so unfair!  She was so young and has seen so much ugly already.  She did nothing to deserve this!

I have no doubt God will use her to do amazing things down the road of her life, but right now she’s in the slow cooking character forming part of life, and it’s so hard to watch.

Britt & Friends at Texas State Fair

Dear God… it’s one thing to put me through this horrible experience, but why must my children go through it during a time that's supposed to be so much fun?

I do find hope when I look at Brittany’s early college days.   Her early days were eerily parallel to Stephi’s until God sent some special people to her life who had similar experiences to her own.  She now has a core group of great friends who know the boy in the photos, and the sadness she struggles with every November.  The core group shows up in her Facebook photos at football games, Texas State Fair, birthday parties, and even bison watching.

Road trip to see Britt = Phil Vassar concert in a field

I’m prayin’ hard for Stephi!  I trust her with my whole heart, and I know I am not a helicopter mom, but I think this calls for a roadtrip  to North Carolina,  “Gilmore Girls style" a little crazy, totally spontaneous, and with lots of laughter! 

Where You Lead by Carole King (Gilmore Girls Theme)

Where You Lead,  I will followIf you're out on the road
Feelin' lonely and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there!

Hugs!  Sherri

Worst Kept Christmas Secrets Ever!

I’m watching an old classic on tv and Stephi is sitting next to me singing every word along with Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Kirby the dentist elf.  I'm so proud!

 Brittany is on her way home from college and needed a place to lay her head.  My sweet cousin in Nashville took her in for the night and spoiled her rotten before sending her back on her way.  We will see her shortly.

The Christmas tree is thawing in the garage.  Brad will bring it in for the girls to decorate  tomorrow.  Most of the presents are sitting in the corner wrapped in bright colors and ribbons.  I'm pretty surprised that Stealth Kitty has behaved pretty well so far;  I’ve only found a couple of shredded strands of shiny ribbon strewn around the house.
   
For as long as I can remember, we have wrapped presents and then get everyone all worked up and excited over the "what is it?"  part.  Once when we were little, my brother and I were so curious, he held my ankles while I reached down into a tall box to pull up wrapped gifts, peel back the tape, and take a peek.  The next year, mom bought wrapping paper that tore when you pulled the tape.  Argghhhh, she's so sneaky!

Britt & Stephi-2004

  But there will be NO SURPRISES FOR THE FAM THIS YEAR!   This year the wrapped presents are for show only since everyone pretty much bought their own gifts. 

 I needed Stephi's help to get to the right website, put in the special secret codes, and figure out seating details for the concert of her dreams.  I wished her Merry Christmas as I handed over my credit card.

2004-Josh showing us his big boy UT sweatshirt

Brad was so helpful, he put his stuff in the online shopping cart for me, complete with style, color and size.  I really wanted to do something special for him; I have been saving my mad money to replace the warped keyboard with super glue he calls a computer.  The only thing is, he’s a total computer geek and I needed his help to buy it! I did offer to choose it myself though I was pretty sure I would end up  buying him a ‘Hello Kitty’ Laptop.  I wished him Merry Christmas as I handed him my debit card.  I will wrap it and put it under the tree the night before since I don’t trust that Stealth Kitty!

A few years ago, I would have made it picture perfect complete with big surprises, but this year, I’m just in it for the joy that comes from giving and being with my family.
 

HUGS!

Sherri

 

Name Dropper

Yesterday morning was just plain freezing!   My mind was racing with things to do before I walked out the door;   There were breakfast casseroles to put in the oven, event signs to put in the trunk, balloons and helium tanks added to the mix, and of course I had to fit my morning coffee in there.

Brad was runnin’ around reacting to my “nicely shouted instructions".  Before long, Britt and Stephi were in motion while my mom and dad came down freshly showered and ready for what the day would bring.

815:  Brad, Stephi and I were behind schedule, but we were on our way.  We pulled into a parking lot full of familiar faces buzzing around setting up for the day’s event.  The 2^nd Annual Joshua Newman 5K Run/Walk for Epilepsy and SUDEP Awareness was moments away.

I was in business mode….the car barely stopped before I jumped out giving directions to all the teenagers buzzing about.    Oh how, I LOVED seeing Joshua’s friends there!!  The first year of Joshua’s death it was so very hard to see them, but not this year.  Here they were…high school freshmen, peach fuzz and razor stubble, broad shoulders and deepening voices.  Yes it did bring a moment of deep longing to hear my own freshman’s voice.

I handed things to them, hugged them and let them know how beautiful they were. I immediately realized I just called teenage boys beautiful so I added “in a handsome kind of way”.  They all laughed and let me know it was ok if I thought they were beautiful.

Co-Chairs Jenna and Natalie, Joshua’s classmates who started this whole thing 2 ½ years ago were buzzing around getting things in place. It’s amazing what all these young kids have done.

The Auxiliary Police Event Safety Team aka tshirt patrol (police officers who only accept a free event tshirt for their services) arrived right on cue so I made sure I met each of them and introduced myself.  “Hi, I’m Sherri, I’m Joshua’s Mom”. 
  


Joshua's "Uncle Jerrold" and his swing dancer troupe show their support.

The start/finish line banner went up in the air, tshirt boxes were placed by size behind a registration table.  Photos of Joshua appeared, and then music started up.  I swear I looked up one second later and there was a crowd of 200, familiar faces as well as faces that did not know either us or Joshua.  I made sure I introduced myself, “Hi, I’m Joshua’s Mom”.

 

When it was time to say a few words of thanks, I honestly can’t remember much of what I said.  How do you put pain, loss, joy, deep appreciation and love into words?  I tried to come up with a few words the night before but nothing came to me, so as I looked out at the crowd I shared with them what was on my heart.  How hard it is without Joshua three years later, and how we were so glad they were here.  I shared how much it helps heal my family’s heart to participate in this event which has an immediate impact on helping others with epilepsy, then I explained the faces they saw on a poster 25 feet to our left were faces of kids who received monitors from last year’s race proceeds.

That’s all I remember.  I’m usually more gathered, more in control, but today it’s not there.



Team Jeff led by Allison Austin

Tom Stanton, Exec Director of our event partner Danny Did Org. made the trip from Chicago to Virginia  to show support.  Tom, a Chicago native, was dressed perfectly to run on a really cold day, and shared some great words of thanks to the crowd.

"Jeff’s Wife"  aka Allison was there leading Team Jeff.  Their two boys have grown so much in the last year.   Allison lost her husband, Jeff, to SUDEP months after we lost Josh.

I admitted to the crowd earlier that I fell down one cottinpickin step and hurt my ankle last week so I was now the official hugger.  It was really fun greeting them as they crossed the finish line.  Several new faces came by so I hugged, fist bumped mitten to mitten; the familiar faces received encouragement tongue in cheek.  “Wow, do you need oxygen?"  "I didn’t know people could sweat that much!" " You young things, please show me one drop of sweat so I know you really ran 5K in 17 minutes," "Hey Big Ironman Athlete, at least 20 little kids beat you across the finish line…Congratulations!”  Yes, I threw in my whoop whoops, and you’re doing great!  


One of Joshua's friends nears the finish line!  Go John!!
 

There was a group of swing dancers who ran the event and then started dancing to the music.  The mood was uplifting.

In 90 minutes, it was over!  200 people gradually said their goodbyes, strong teenagers lifted heavy things in my car, tables were folded and the parking lot returned to a parking lot.

We invited Tom, and our planning committee over for a simple brunch immediately following so they could finally meet face to face.  The casseroles were brown and bubbly, coffee brewed, and lots of laughter was heard throughout the house.  It was a glorious day in Joshua’s name!



Joshua Newman 5K Committee 2013

Afterwards, as I unloaded the cars, I took some of the left over animal balloons to new neighborhood families and introduced myself, “Hi I’m your neighbor, Sherri, and I thought your kids might enjoy these balloons made in memory of a great ornery boy named Joshua.”

Hugs,

Sherri

A New Milestone

Stephi and Brad went off to a country music concert, Britt is at school, so that means I am left at home with only Stealth kitty and my old pup.  Usually these nights mean sad movies, a bottle of wine, tissues, and photos.

It starts with a nice meal and a glass of wine, it next evolves to another glass and watching a "5 tissue" sad movie.  Then the photos and mementos come out;  They are photos and videos of Josh and the girls together.  By this point I am a blubbering mess asking God WHHHHHHHHhhyyyyyyyy?

Josh gets a head check from a furry friend.
 

It lasts for about 2-3 hours, before I am spent and drag myself to bed where I dream of what was. Usually dreams of the Newmanettes when they were younger and usually they are happy.

Josh on a fast food dinner run. 

You may be one of the sweet ones who try to understand and call this a necessary cleansing.  I call it my necessary evil.  There are those who may not like the addition of wine, but the daily mask I wear is so iron-clad, sometimes it takes a glass of wine to loosen the mask off.

I figured last night would go the usual route, but ya know what? Sometime in June I could feel I made a step in my healing, and last night, I just didn’t feel like taking the usual path.  What I did do was organize and clean in a frenzy, and then I sat and watched some action movies.

I admit I did look at 2 videos, a couple of photos and did shed a couple of tears, but I also laughed.

This is indeed a milestone towards finding my Joy!

You must learn a new way to think before....you can master a new way to be. Marianne Williamson

Hugs!
Sherri

Here are some of my go to "sad" movies:
The Fifth Quarter
P.S. I Love You
Terms of Endearment
My Sister's Keeper
Where The Heart Is
Steel Magnolias
Shadowlands