At work I smile on the outside but am numb on the inside. This is what I must do to get through the day so I can pay the bills that come every month just like before...nothing is different there. After work it's time to head home when the "low tire" alarm suddenly flashes on the dashboard...I filled it this morning, so there must be a slow leak. It's off to the tire shop for a plug...how did that nail get in that tire? hmmm Family, you are on your own for dinner.
Brad heads out for Bible Study just as I return home and reminds me that tonight is Diwali...what is the significance of a traditional Indian celebration to my blonde self? Joshua's best friend and family, whom I love dearly celebrate Diwali and have always graciously included us in their celebration. It has become one of our traditions with them. Friendship, sand art, great sweet treats, and fireworks. This year is much different from last year, so subdued...just last year Joshua was celebrating with us and everyone was having a great time! I've included the photos of the kids watching the fireworks together. (Josh is sitting with his favorite blue Indy Colts cap on)
This year, our schedule only allows a quick treat, hugs, photos of this year's sand art, then off to line dancing, which I take with the girls to keep active and as something we can do together. As soon as I am in the car, I am near tears seeing Joshua's best friend...he is starting to shave, and his voice has that teenage boy sound to it. I think of "what would Josh sound like? would he be shaving yet?"
Line dancing is fun as usual as we laugh and giggle at missteps and occasional showoff moves of total amateur neighborhood folks learning how to dance at our community center. Afterwards, we girls return home to a quiet house...the moment I enter the house my mind wanders to Josh memories and memories of the three kids playing together when they were younger.
The door bell snaps me out of my daydream; It is Joshua's best friend and his dad dropping off leftover Diwali sweets that they know my girls LOVE! We catch up with each other since it has been hard to keep in touch these last few months.
'The boys are playing travel soccer, busy with school. Yes, Brad had a cancerous tumor removed this summer and will be under close observation for sometime. Yes, our sweet dog Yankee also had a cancerous tumor removed and looks to be free of any further cancer. Yes, I'm feeling fine following my surgery. All the while Yankee is falling all over Joshua's best friend whom he remembers very fondly. So many memories between this dog and this boy.' My heart swells with love.
When they leave I walk to the kitchen and put the plate on the counter before sinking to the floor where I stand. I sit there so sad that my son is dead and how much I miss the daily life that came with him. How his best friend and many others filled our house with motion and laughter, and how I lost more than 1 child when I lost Joshua. The tears come instantly and I am suddenly in my grief fully and completely. My sweet cat, comes to my rescue, and doesn't mind that I scrunch him up in teddy bear cuddle and drench his coat.
Brad comes in the door from Bible Study and asks, "What's wrong?" I say "Nothing" as I wipe away my tears and stand up.. "It's the usual" and we just go about our business as usual. Within moments I am checking on my daughters, locking up the house and preparing for the morning.
Today, the songs on the radio hit me hard and there are tears enroute to work. I have a smile on my face at work; Most people have no idea what I've been through and think I look normal as I respond to their jokes with laughter and joke back. The moment I hit the car, the tears reappear.
Once I walk in the door I'm bombarded with daily event recaps, needs, and must prepare dinner. We have to rush through it as two of us have appts. with our grief counselor, 1 has piano, and I am off to the high school chorus spring trip meeting.
Two head out early and I have a few moments to catch up on email and read the monthly Compassionate Friends Newsletter that has just arrived....then it happens, I see "Remembrance dates"
Joshua Newman Nov. 20th son of Brad and Sherri
I am wracked with a sudden excruciating pain where my heart should be and sob so violently that my daughter Brittany comes rushing to see what has set me off. She sees the newsletter and holds me until is passes. Within moments, I am out the door to the chorus trip meeting where noone is wiser to what has just happened.
I return home later that evening to find everyone back from their appts., and I lock up the house because it is time for bed.
This is nothing extraordinary, this is my new normal.
It's going to take a long while, but someday it will become easier, Sherri. I'm glad you have such a loving family and friends to be there as you travel down this road.
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