On This Day in 1965

Today is my birthday!!  I know this because I was just on Facebook and lots of people are telling me so.  Then there are those two darling teenagers who love to remind me that I am 4-8!  They taunt me…Mom, just do the math…1965…. oh wait, you stink at Math….just trust us, you are 48!  Sassy children!

They act as though it’s a miracle that I could be so ancient.  Sadly, it goes hand-in-hand with a recent tv interview where fellow December 30^th birthday boy tv anchor Matt Lauer, was told by singer Miley Cyrus that people over 40 don’t have sex. Sigh, these kids today!

Some people think it’s a bummer having a birthday so close to Christmas, but it doesn’t bother me….give me a day with my kids, my mountain man,  ‘Amazing Amaretto’ birthday cake and I’m a happy girl. 

Amazing Amaretto!

Meals on Wheels 2013

The only thing that would make it better would be having ALL my kids with me today, but since one has gained his heavenly wings, I try to feel the void a little by finding ways to help others.  Today we delivered Meals on Wheels to some awesome goldenagers. 

Most of the time, it’s a pretty easy job, though there have been a few moments of excitement like the cute lady with blue hair who used her walker to chase her escaped cat down the hallway.  My girls caught him, loved on him and tucked him back in his place of honor.  A few minutes later we were met at the door by a lingerie model with long silver hair who met us at the door in her skiffies before her caretaker threw a robe over her.

The truly warm smiles of these folks who have had such full lives when they see my darling daughters make me appreciate my blessings. 

My birthday 2012

 

A piece of Amazing Amaretto doesn't hurt either.

HUGS!
Sherri

 

Too many toilets

It's 4 am and I am WIDE AWAKE!!! Yikes!

Britt is almost through her first week of college and seems to be adjusting.  She’s a bit lonely, but time will bring friendships and cafeteria buddies.  Her drop off was only a major ordeal because we were 1 of 4,000 families grabbing the same elevators to get moved into smallish rooms with bad furniture.   Lucky for us, only the polite crowds showed up on our vators.

I would like to have counted all the hefting around and step climbing as a "work out" but I forgot my pedometer so I have no proof or idea how far we walked.  My legs kept telling me it was a lot though.

All the while we were at OU, I kept thinking about how much Josh would love seeing the football players we saw. While we were in the bookstore,  there was a wall of these huge moving mountains getting their books and I could see in them what  he would have likely resembled in a few short years. Those kind of thoughts when they hit just get me riled and ticked off!   

Once we got Britt settled in and unpacked, it was time for our tearful goodbyes.  While I was prepared to totally lose it on her, Brad beat me to it.  By the time it was my turn, it was actually a bit anticlimatic since I was all cried out watching them.  I was like "Bye kid, see ya in October."  

Ok, maybe I've slightly exaggerated, but as I said goodbye I went back to Britt on her first day of kindergarten.  While many moms followed their child's bus with tears streaming, I was thrilled to have her enjoy her first day.  Once I put her safely on the bus, it was like, "Anyone wanna  go to Starbucks to celebrate? My child's on a new adventure today!"  

I always think of these moments like that Disney commercial where the little girl exclaims "I've been waiting my whole life for this!"  We found photos of Brittany's 4th birthday party and in the background on the television was the move "Twister" which inspired her to go to school to be a "storm chaser".  She truly has been waiting her whole life for this!

My friends are concerned.  They have either called or written to help me get through this seemingly traumatic change in my world.  They feel I must really be terribly upset that less than two years after my youngest gained his wings,  my oldest is so far away at college.....honestly, I don't feel it yet.  I know I will hear all about it, and will experience this new chapter through her eyes.  That makes me very happy.  The real trial will be the call with tears on the other end and I can't reach through and pull her to me.  When that happens, look out world, mama Bear is on the rampage!

While I truly appreciate that so many friends are worried about me now that Britt is at college, I was so grateful for the one who caught on to what has really been bothering me.  Stephi  home alone!  

Never mind that she was not supposed to be the last one at home.   Never mind that there were supposed to be four plates at the table, not three.  We don't even outnumber the toilets in our house anymore.  That alone makes me sad...I loved coming home from a road trip and everyone running to a bathroom with one person having to wait for a turn.  Now there is an extra one.    Who would ever think toilets could make you sad?!

I have to admit that Stephi doesn't seem to be bothered as much as I am.  In fact, she seems to be handling it beautifully.  She doesn't have to share the car with her sister, run her brother around, or even put up with either of their aggravations, though I'll bet you, she would happily do as much running as Josh needed and wishes he was here to tattle on.

Brad and I have noticed how big the house suddenly feels and how it's quiet, too quiet here.  So much change does make ya wonder what you're gonna do with your life and how you lived before you had kids.  We have two years of enjoying Stephi and all that she does, though our participation is somewhat limited since she now drives and is truly 16 going on 29!

So, here’s to yet another chapter of life unrevealed, and one I hope is truly uneventful for a bit...  I am happy to turn on my skype and live my life vicariously through my girls for a little while.

Hugs to you all during this busy school season!

Sherri

2 days in the life of "the new normal"

Oh my how the emotions fly end to end these days. Yesterday, I was up early getting ready for work as usual. These days it takes so much effort to get dressed and get where I'm going....I'm on autopilot.
At work I smile on the outside but am numb on the inside. This is what I must do to get through the day so I can pay the bills that come every month just like before...nothing is different there. After work it's time to head home when the "low tire" alarm suddenly flashes on the dashboard...I filled it this morning, so there must be a slow leak. It's off to the tire shop for a plug...how did that nail get in that tire? hmmm Family, you are on your own for dinner.

Brad heads out for Bible Study just as I return home and reminds me that tonight is Diwali...what is the significance of a traditional Indian celebration to my blonde self? Joshua's best friend and family, whom I love dearly celebrate Diwali and have always graciously included us in their celebration. It has become one of our traditions with them. Friendship, sand art, great sweet treats, and fireworks. This year is much different from last year, so subdued...just last year Joshua was celebrating with us and everyone was having a great time! I've included the photos of the kids watching the fireworks together.  (Josh is sitting with his favorite blue Indy Colts cap on)
This year, our schedule only allows a quick treat, hugs, photos of this year's sand art, then off to line dancing, which I take with the girls to keep active and as something we can do together. As soon as I am in the car, I am near tears seeing Joshua's best friend...he is starting to shave, and his voice has that teenage boy sound to it. I think of "what would Josh sound like? would he be shaving yet?"

Line dancing is fun as usual as we laugh and giggle at missteps and occasional showoff moves of total amateur neighborhood folks learning how to dance at our community center.  Afterwards, we girls return home to a quiet house...the moment I enter the house my mind wanders to Josh memories and memories of the three kids playing together when they were younger.

The door bell snaps me out of my daydream; It is Joshua's best friend and his dad dropping off leftover Diwali sweets that they know my girls LOVE! We catch up with each other since it has been hard to keep in touch these last few months.
'The boys are playing travel soccer, busy with school. Yes, Brad had a cancerous tumor removed this summer and will be under close observation for sometime. Yes, our sweet dog Yankee also had a cancerous tumor removed and looks to be free of any further cancer. Yes, I'm feeling fine following my surgery. All the while Yankee is falling all over Joshua's best friend whom he remembers very fondly. So many memories between this dog and this boy.' My heart swells with love.

When they leave I walk to the kitchen and put the plate on the counter before sinking to the floor where I stand. I sit there so sad that my son is dead and how much I miss the daily life that came with him. How his best friend and many others filled our house with motion and laughter, and how I lost more than 1 child when I lost Joshua. The tears come instantly and I am suddenly in my grief fully and completely. My sweet cat, comes to my rescue, and doesn't mind that I scrunch him up in teddy bear cuddle and drench his coat.

Brad comes in the door from Bible Study and asks, "What's wrong?" I say "Nothing" as I wipe away my tears and stand up.. "It's the usual" and we just go about our business as usual. Within moments I am checking on my daughters, locking up the house and preparing for the morning.

Today, the songs on the radio hit me hard and there are tears enroute to work. I have a smile on my face at work; Most people have no idea what I've been through and think I look normal as I respond to their jokes with laughter and joke back. The moment I hit the car, the tears reappear.

Once I walk in the door I'm bombarded with daily event recaps, needs, and must prepare dinner. We have to rush through it as two of us have appts. with our grief counselor, 1 has piano, and I am off to the high school chorus spring trip meeting.

Two head out early and I have a few moments to catch up on email and read the monthly Compassionate Friends Newsletter that has just arrived....then it happens, I see "Remembrance dates"

Joshua Newman Nov. 20th son of Brad and Sherri

I am wracked with a sudden excruciating pain where my heart should be and sob so violently that my daughter Brittany comes rushing to see what has set me off. She sees the newsletter and holds me until is passes. Within moments, I am out the door to the chorus trip meeting where noone is wiser to what has just happened.

I return home later that evening to find everyone back from their appts., and I lock up the house because it is time for bed.

This is nothing extraordinary, this is my new normal.