Showing posts with label angel mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angel mom. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Christmas Eve



Tonight is Christmas Eve.  It’s the first one in 26 years where it’s just been Brad and I, and we have been trying to bravely prepare ourselves for months.  The girls aren’t home because they have both graduated college and as workplace newbie’s, have to work over the holidays.  I miss them like crazy, but they are doing exactly what they were raised to do, make their way through life as strong independent women.  I am one proud mama!

Then there’s Josh.  That’s a whole different level of missing!  While I can pick up the phone or jump on a plane to see my girls, I will have to likely wait many more years before I get to see my son!

Today I was driving over to the cemetery to put flowers on his grave.  I readied my bag with everything I needed and headed out.  About 3 minutes into the drive I had a sudden deep urge to go by the florist and pickup live flowers.  While we usually use silk, today I needed more.

I walked in and was greeted by a smile of a lovely woman named Laura who asked how she could help….such a loaded question and she is a brave soul indeed.  As I gently shared with her my current situation,  “my son died 8 years ago and while I was heading to the cemetery, I felt the urgent need for live flowers.  Can you convert one of these bouquets into something I can lay upon his grave?”  
She thought for a moment and then began to pull individual flowers from the bins as she shared her plan for something special for my boy.  I thought it sounded really nice and in a moment she gathered all the plants in her arms and disappeared behind the counter.

I of course became distracted by all the beautiful and shiny things that surrounded me in this shop,  when a second woman near the front desk preparing flowers looked at me and said,   “I overheard what you said to Laura…”  

Something in her eyes let me know I was safe so I shared special moments about Josh. It’s been a while since someone welcomed me to talk about Josh and it was so very touching.  She  finished her task, smiled at me and moved to the back area.

A moment later, Laura arrived with a beautiful bouquet of red roses, white daisies, pine branches and a big red bow!  It was just perfect!  I turned to pay at the counter, but she just continued around the counter directly placing the flowers in my arms as she said “Merry Christmas!”

When I asked her how much, she responded, “The woman you just spoke with is the owner of the store and she wants you to have this for your sweet boy.  Merry Christmas!”  My initial response of course was to give her a big warm hug and then it was time for a quick exit.  I could feel it happening, the mask and composure I have worked so hard to reinforce over the last eight years completely crumbled. 

I didn’t even make to the car before I was overcome with tears.  An ugly full mouth, gasping barrage of tears!  I wept for such an act of kindness, I wept for someone taking interest in Joshua, and I wept over my selfish sadness because I would rather have him home from college celebrating Christmas with us.

A few minutes later as I laid the bouquet on his stone, I thanked God for that special boy He gave me, even if only for a short time, and I thanked Him for kindness of strangers.  With one act of kindness, Christmas became heartfelt and holy.

“A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.”S ~Steve Mariboli.










On this eve when many are separated from their loved ones may you find the magic of kindness and love!  
Merry Christmas!


 

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Showing Grace When You Just Wanna Spit!

I came home from work this week to find Brad down right pissed off!  I was hoping it wasn’t aimed at me, when he pointed towards a letter on the counter.

It didn’t take long to figure out the source of his anger....There was a letter addressed to Joshua Newman from his former Neurologist announcing the doctor’s move to another practice.
The gist of the letter stated that if you wished to continue seeing him, his new contact information was included.

Heart stab with salt crusted knife!!!!!  My body went numb!
All that hard work was gone in an instant!  Just when I was getting to that point in healing where I was starting to forgive myself for the  What Ifs,  the things I wish I had done differently ( in my mind) that could have saved Josh, this stupid letter arrives.

One of the things  I listed in an earlier blog, http://thenewmans.blogspot.com/2012/04/sudep-what-i-wish-i-had-done.html "What I wish I had done differently" , alluded to the challenges of communication and disorganization with the doctor’s office.   We were only with this doctor for four months when Josh died.  During that time we struggled  with busy phones, scheduling challenges, etc.  which had led us to make some decisions I regret.  We knew this doctor’s reputation was great and we had great hope, but we were also looking around for other options. 

Fast forward 4 years  and we receive this letter.  I mean, seriously, how hard is it to update records?  Sweet Ornery  Boy  Deceased! 




How do you respond to such a thing?  I've learned my first thoughts are never the way to go, so I slept on it, and then responded.
Dear Dr. 
 
We received the announcement of your practice change this week.  You can imagine our surprise since our son Joshua, died from seizure in 2010.

It was really hard to receive this announcement as it meant our son's records were not updated to show his death in your office.

 I know he will always be in your heart, as you shared with us in the early weeks following his death, but we need his records to be updated and ensure we don't receive any future notifications like this.  It's just too hard.

We have walked the National Walk for Epilepsy every year since 2011....you should come. It's an amazing event and advocate for seizure awareness.
 
Best of luck with your new practice.
 
Regards,
 
In his response he apologized, blaming the error on the new group's administrators and he would try  to make sure, this never happens again.

It didn't give me great comfort nor did I feel confident that it wouldn't happen again.   It just reminded me once again, that no matter how much time goes on, my family's pain lies just beneath the surface and can show itself in full force in a second.  We need to prepare ourselves as much as we can.
I can't believe I did this, but I posted the incident on Facebook.  The response was swift, including offers to kick the doctor in the shins, offers to call his office (so sweet)  to make them aware and get the  issue fixed.  I so appreciated the love and support which helped me rediscover my grace, and helped me start to "get over it".

Four days later I was commissioned as a Congregational Care Minister to take care of those who need love and support during times of trial.  My emphasis will be holding the hands of the grieving.
Surrounded by friends, my name was called, and I knelled before the Minister and was anointed in Christ to serve others.  It felt like I had come full circle emotionally in a matter of days. 
It’s not a plan I would have chosen for myself, to be the mother of any angel, and I am obviously forever broken and vulnerable, but God’s grace and Love  was once again revealed and assures me that He will carry me even during tough moments.

What gives me the most hope every day is God's grace; knowing that his grace is going to give me the strength for whatever I face, knowing that nothing is a surprise to God.
Rick Warren

HUGS!
Sherri