My Hippie Angel

This past week was my last planned meeting with Peter, the Grief Guy.  Over the last 28 months, Peter has been instrumental in pulling both me and mine back from the brink of despair after Josh died from SUDEP, for which I will always be grateful.

He diagnosed my PTSD resulting from the trauma of finding Joshua that fateful morning and helped me realize my crazy is ok.  He also called me on some habits, and he did not back down…for this too I will always be grateful.

Some would wonder why I continued our sessions for so long?  Hmmm ponder moment….We have such expectations of our friends and family when someone we love dies.  We expect them to say just the perfect thing to help us feel better; we are shocked and hurt when they stick that big ole’ foot smack dab in the middle of their big mouth instead.

Peter has never done this!  He magically knows just what to say!  He resets my mindset, he allows me to forgive myself, and he doesn’t judge even if ugly comes out of my mouth.  Of course, it has taken him DECADES of study and practice to master the role of the grief guy.                Note to self…. give friends and family a little slack.

Since this was our first meeting in two months, Peter learned about Nancy’s son, my whooping cough, my ”Winter Blues” (SAD), how my sweet friend Erika is losing ground to her cancer, and how bleak things have seemed as of late.   His response was a  truly caring shake of the head and a sigh “things Sherri really did not need to deal with right now” …..thank you Peter for putting it out there!            So true! I truly didn’t need to deal with them, but when you open yourself up to love, there will be times like these….. life doesn’t stop for you to catch your breath.  All you can do is live in the moment!

Just like waves crashing in from the sea.  You can’t look past the wave in front of you or SPLAT!  Waves will always come, and you need to decide what you can handle and whether to ride it, or duck under to the calm just beneath the surface.

I can see how far I’m come from 28 months ago, and I guess I’m pretty good at judging waves now.  I’ve crashed too many times to count but I’ve definitely learned it's ok to duck a few. 

The things I have learned from Peter are:

1.  You are not in control of your life or anything that happens in your life.

2.  Take your life wave by wave, living in the moment, especially during the time of active grieving.

3.  Be gentle with yourself for you've just experienced the unthinkable.

4. As long as you don't endanger yourself or those around you, there is no wrong way to grieve.

5.  You can't cut corners on your grief.

6.  You can't be healed because you were never sick.

7.  There will one day be comfort and peace again.

 

I was not prepared for the tears that came as I walked out of Peter’s office…they were a blend of fear and hope...I'm taking life on my own, and admitting that I'm trying to keep moving forward without my Josh.   

Is this the last time I'll see Peter?  Don’t be silly, of course not!  After all he’s not a miracle worker, and I surely will overachieve again.  When that happens I know he will look at me without judgement and not blink when I share what is truly on my heart.

God sends us angels for different seasons of our lives.  They can take many forms, and one of mine was a silver-haired reformed hippie with a thoughtful presence and contagious laugh.

Thank you God for my Angel!

Hugs,
Sherri