I'm gettin' there

So, I’m happy to say I’m making it through January.  This is not an easy feat for a woman who has struggled with SAD her whole life and laid her youngest child to rest three years ago.  We'll just ignore the fact that I've been laying in my bed on top of my electric blanket keeping me warm all day, after serving a mere 45 minutes as a Church Greeter in the freezing cold following two weeks of vile, yucky, wicked weather that shut down the entire DC Metropolitan area.

It’s been so cold even our old dog Yankee kept his backyard bathroom trips to microseconds, stored enough energy to play like a puppy and chase Stealth kitty under the furniture.

 

Speaking of kitties?  Britt has entered the world of mommy hood…of sorts.  She has a new kitty named Luke.  

The girl has wanted a cat ever since she moved away leaving stealth kitty here to torment me with his ear piercing whining, and desire to be carried about like a parrot on Stephi’s shoulder…here’s a photo to prove it.

Stephi and Casper aka "Stealth kitty"
 

Brad was opposed to the idea and I was all for it.  I think it’s a Venus/Mars kinda thing.  Most men don’t ‘get’ the need for cats if not in a barn chasin’ mice, and most women crave their furry coats and purring songs.  Lord knows, cats have been of great comfort to my family during our darkest times.  When Josh died and everyone was trying to force me to sleep, the only sleep I could get was while our big old cat Bleu lay on my chest calming me with his deep purr and nose nudge.

So I dug my heels in on this one giving Britt my blessing, Brad went on record as officially opposed, and within a week I received the call.  “Mom, I got a cat, and he’s so cute, he just sits on my lap and sleeps”.  She included the following photo and as a woman who has seen many a barn/street cat, I immediately recognized the oozing eyes.  "Britt, he’s sitting still because he’s sick…ya better take him to the vet." fortunately, he only had a little cold and Britt had to learn how to corral an angry, fully clawed cat and convince him to take his medicine. 

Luke, the wild beast!

Within a week, her sweet baby was a terror pinging off the walls, jumping all over furniture, always under foot refusing to let even the sacred bathroom door separate them.  He thought the bathroom was a throne room and invited himself onto her lap during such occasions.

As she recounted her kitty struggles, I just sat back and gave the occasional “uh huh, uh huh” and would offer occasional guidance.  She took me up on using aluminum foil on the couch cushion he was scratching up, and then she added another piece, and another.  By our next phone visit, she was picking up signals from space since her apt. was now practically all aluminum foil.  This raising babies stuff is really hard!

Later that week while at work, I started to receive several messages and phone calls from friends. “Where is Britt?”  “CALL BRITT NOW!!”.  The news reported a gunman was running loose around her campus. 

I calmly called her, and found her at home nursing new scratches from her heathen cat’s latest medicine time.

Britt, where are you?

At home, why?

The news said there’s a gunman on the loose on campus.

Oh, I guess that’s why I got a text saying, “Gunman on campus, seek shelter!”

Yes, I think that’s why you got the text.

Well darnit, I have a class in an hour, what am I supposed to do now?

(What was going on in my head, but didn't reach my tongue......REALLY?  What am I supposed to do?     It’s moments like this that they invented instructions such as “do not touch hot things” or do not put this big plastic bag over your head.)

Stay in your locked apt!  Turn on the news and don't leave until they say your campus is no longer on lockdown!!!!!

Fortunately, it turned out to be a false alarm and Britt was back in class within minutes, scratches and all.

Looking back over the past few days and weeks, I realize I’m making it.  I’m getting to the point where I can laugh at the adventures of my living daughters and not feel more helpless and lost over the child I lost.  It’s moments like this week when I don’t have a full meltdown over things that could be happening, but manage to stay calm and find out my baby is safe and sound with a semi-wild furry beast running her life.

It’s the moments I get to watch and listen to both my daughters as they deal with their “babies” and know these little guys are able to calm them and soothe them in ways I can't.

We are getting there!

I can't wait to see how the two little guys and old dog are gonna get along this summer when Britt comes home. 

HUGS!
Sherri 

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.” - James Herriot,
 

When it's just easier to laugh

I'm writing today from the well worn spot in my bed.  A spot that has seen me in it for about 5 days now.   You see, I have been diagnosed with both the flu and whooping cough.  I'm feeling very proud of my choice to have the flu shot last fall as it has obviously failed me miserably, and feeling ever the confused part of  "I have what?" on the pertussis claim from the doctor. 

Let me tell you, it definitely tones the midriff very quickly, and helps those unwanted pounds and inches melt away in short order, but I don't recommend it as the weight loss/cardio workout plan of choice.

As for work, I feel fortunate that sequestration will take several days to take effect, so I am missing work at the "calm before the storm", and I have the most understanding colleagues.

Also fortunate for me, I have discovered a British tv series that lasted seven seasons so I will likely finish it off just in time to return to work with the "all clear, you are no longer contagious and able to spread a deadly virus across the nation" declaration.

Yes, I'm making light of what has been a very hard month.  I am pretty ticked off as I'm sure most of you are with the inability of our nation's leaders to work together to resolve the deficit before the draconian rules of sequestration take effect.  I am heartsad with the death yesterday of yet another dear family friend lost to cancer only one week after diagnosis;  my heart continues to ache as I watch my dear friend Nancy and her family discover the painful transition of life to the 'new normal' after the loss of her handsome son, and I am clearly susceptible to the sappy emotions that hit you when you are the human host of a deadly childhood disease, and just don't feel well. 

All day I have thought of our friend Denny with mixed emotions.  On one hand, I feel so sorry for the two grown sons, grandchildren,  and lovely wife he leaves behind.  On the other hand, I can't help but feel some envy as there was just a wonderful reunion at heaven's gate between a father and son.  You see,  Denny lost his oldest son, Kyle, to an undiagnosed aneurysm at age 23. 

Kyle was my brother's best friend and the two of them were inseparable like brothers.  As a teenage girl, you can imagine how aggravating it was not only to have one stupid, little brother, but two who didn't understand the  importance of looking cool for boys when they came to the house to hang out.  Two immature stupid little boys who left me screaming at the top of my lungs, as they scattered giggling at their latest prank at my expense.  I was so done with these two boys at one point that I swore I would never name any of my children Barry or Kyle.  (I am nearly on the floor wetting myself now as I think of those days...those two little boys.)

Denny, Kyle's father, always understood the boys, and in a special way made them feel it.  It was like magic, and as irritating as it was to a teenage girl, it was still magical to watch.  His calming presence was something I greatly admired.

Lots to think about from a worn spot on the bed, which lends itself to way too much time to think for one's good.  I could break down and lose it to tears, but I think it's just easier to throw your hands up and just laugh. 

Easier to laugh at the fact that I of all people have contracted illnesses I thought I had under control,  laugh at the memory of Kyle and Barry's antics which in one case ultimately led to Denny calmly arranging for them to scrub down a home, and paint the trim for their punishment.  Laughing at the times when Nancy's son and Joshua would passionately bicker to get their way so much that we would send them to the basement playroom and listen to them squabble as we giggled upstairs.  Laugh at the fact that every time I have gone past Joshua's room since I've been sick, his room light has inexplicably turned on...he loved to turn my light on my in the morning as a prank to wake us up.

So I will continue to cope with filling the spot on my bed, leaving messages for my mother to entertain me in my bored state,  ask facebook friends to send jokes, wonder with  amazement at  Stephi's decision to fill her dresser drawers with "stuff" while permanently leaving her clean clothes in piles in her room.  This realized today as I went into her room to find out what kind of birthday cake she wants this week....Oh, and I still have two season to watch on my British series if the cotton-pickin satellite feed would just come through the sweeping rainstorm outside. 

 A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. Proverbs 17:22

In other words, when nothing else will help, you just gotta laugh!

Sending Hugs,
Sherri

In His Room

Brad is off again with work, and poor Stephi is home with a bad cold.  She looks so pathetic with her cute little red nose,  and her voice that mimics a 6 pack a day smoker.

The Newmanettes in Petra (Jordan) 2008

Work is very challenging these days as the federal government watches and waits to see if we will fall off the fiscal cliff.  Curiosity and sincere concern as well as pockets of hysteria fill the halls and meeting rooms wherever I go.

They're keeping me hoppin'  answering these concerns, but to tell you the truth, I am not concerned. There is no doubt slashed budgets would be difficult and quite challenging, but I know we will make it through.  We are Americans and regardless to what others think of us, we always make it through whatever comes our way.

The overly busy days help me avoid mental downtime.  It's better when I don't have to think..
Of course, the kids are all on my mind.  Brittany is starting a new semester and calls as she walks to meet with a new professor for assistance on a project, Stephi with her cold and sad little eyes...
For a second, I worry about Josh.  I need to keep Stephi away from him because if he gets sick, it could lead to a fever and if he has a fever, we could be facing seizures that could.....kill him.  Reality sets in, my worst fears for him have become reality.  I realize I don't get to fear for him anymore.  He is seizure free without any cares, and is now in a place of light and love.

They say it gets easier over time.  How naive...those who have lost a child or dear one realize it just gets different.  Life has a way of crowding the mind full of 'right now' thoughts and the right now no longer includes Joshua.  He is my memory, my joy, my first hug when my own time is over.

Everyday life consists of loving the girls and Brad, trying to keep up with work, home, church events such as the upcoming festival, and sleep.  I am able to skirt around the depths of despair this way although thoughts are constant.  Those thoughts become almost like breathing..such an integral part of life and you don't even realize you're doing it.

There are those moments much like when you catch cold that you miss the "just being able to breathe and not think about it" part, much like those moments, when you stop for long enough to realize your child is gone. 

A request to talk to a family that has lost a child, a favorite tv show that reflects over the loss of someone near and dear.  Emotional triggers.....this leads me to the second room on the right.  His room.  I open the door, and immediately, his loss is beyond belief.    All those memories that become a bit fuzzy with the busy of life, are crystal clear, and in that moment, my heart releases the tears it has been collecting with every thought of him.

Tomorrow, I'll get up and attend to the things at hand in the office. Many will want to use terms such as financial "crisis", but I don't agree in the least.  I have been in crisis and this doesn't even come close.

Please pray for our leaders regardless of party affiliation.  May God guide their hearts and minds to resolve the financial challenges ahead.

Hugs,
Sherri