I was doing ok!

I was doing ok, really I was….. until the woman sitting next to me in choir suddenly asks, “November 20^th will be the 5 year mark for you, won’t it?”

Me- “How did you know that?”( I don’t even know who she is.)

Her – “ My son’s birthday is November 20^th, and he knew Josh”.  I can’t breathe! There is no air left in lungs for what seems like an eternity, but is likely a mere second or two.

I kept it together in choir by making fun of a song we’ll sing in church with the words ding dong in it.   “I’m not going to hell for singing ding dong in church am I?”  A moment of relief to laughter! 

Practice is over.  I love to sing and have recently rediscovered my love, but tonight I want out of my skin, I want out of this space!  I walked towards the exit and a church friend greets me.  “This is your bad week,  isn't it? Let’ pray as she grabs both my hands into hers!”  “God Grant this Gracious Woman strength during this very hard week. “
Tears are forming in the corner of my eyes. This is an act of love, but it hurts so much.

Brad notices when I get home and wants to know what’s up.  Nothing!

It’s my wedding anniversary first.  I’m going to celebrate with great thanks the 24 years of marriage to my mountain man.  I gotta hold on!

Distraction – texting the girls.  They are both responding tonight.  Well, that distracted me about 15 minutes. Only a gazillion more to go.

The heaviness is there.  I feel it, I see it!  Nothing around me has changed, but my heart knows, it has told my head and had told my entire body to revolt!

Who goes 5 years without hugging or seeing their child? 

What kind of mother does that? 

I see her in the mirror!  The mother who woke up one Saturday morning expecting to stain a fence with her little boy and found him lost to SUDEP.

Epilepsy sucks! My desire is simple, I want my son back!!!

I'll figure it out.....eventually!

It has taken me 28 months to either realize, or admit.....  I AM SO MAD AT GOD!

I think this realization has been coming on for a while now.  I have not been able to pray,  see blessings, and I certainly have not noticed the beautiful days like I used to.

I am a bit of a Christian Diva..... I have a limit to my 'Tragedy Acceptance'.....God, you can allow certain things to happen to me, but not others.  My house could burn down, my car stolen, all my possessions lost; even become ill, and I would continue to see the beauty of life, however, if you mess with my three kids or husband,  I am done playing this game called Life! 

Well, we know how this story goes.....I lost my son to epilepsy  This definitely falls within my "No, you can't do that to me category". What's worse is my trust is battered since the specialists assured me this epilepsy was merely a nuisance, and Josh would be ok as long as I didn't let him drive alone (car accident due to seizure), or swim alone (drowning due to seizure).  WRONG!  How very wrong they were!  They sorta kinda decided not to tell me about SUDEP until one morning my boy was gone!

Put a fork in me....I am so done with this!

I have reached my tragedy acceptance!!!!!!  A piece of my heart has been yanked out of my chest, and I just haven't been able to get over it!

Pouting

Sammy (my college roomy's daughter), me and Britt imitating the sculpture of Empress of Austria Elisabeth of Bavaria found on the grounds of Achilleion Pallace on the island of Corfu.  Elizabeth built the palace a year after the loss of her only son, Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria in 1889.

 

Even as I am surrounded by those who have faced, or continue to face greater loss than mine and  are still able to be filled with joy, happiness and Thanksgiving, I am sitting with my arms crossed and want nothing to do with any of those!   And what's worse.....I know I have many blessings, but I’m so mad, I don't care these days!

I’d say I’ve been pouting about 28 months now.

My pastor recently asked to meet with me.  I have an idea he is just checking on me with everything that’s happened recently.  Still, I hope he doesn’t ask me about my spiritual life, because now that I know I’m pouting, I’m gonna have to be honest and admit it to him.

So, now that I've admitted it, I’ve decided for a little while (starting with my next posting) I want to share some stories of those in my life who have lived through incredible experiences, both good and bad, and have managed to overcome and shine.  This is more my therapy than anything, but if it helps you, I'm truly happy about that!

Why do I feel the need to do this?  Because I think God has been sending a lot of angels my way to  help me see His love, and the beauty in the life He has given me even though it is touched by tragic loss.  My guess is He has patiently stood close allowing me to work through my “issues” and has now lovingly begun to say  “Enough my daughter, there is so much to see and do.  I’m having a great time taking care of Josh up here, so I need your help taking care of my children down there”.

Sending Hugs on this First Day of Spring!
Sherri