It has taken me 28 months to either realize, or admit..... I AM SO MAD AT GOD!
I think this realization has been coming on for a while now. I have not been able to pray, see blessings, and I certainly have not noticed
the beautiful days like I used to.I am a bit of a Christian Diva..... I have a limit to my 'Tragedy Acceptance'.....God, you can allow certain things to happen to me, but not others. My house could burn down, my car stolen, all my possessions lost; even become ill, and I would continue to see the beauty of life, however, if you mess with my three kids or husband, I am done playing this game called Life!
Well, we know how this story goes.....I lost my son to epilepsy This definitely falls within my "No, you can't do that to me category". What's worse is my trust is battered since the specialists assured me this epilepsy was merely a nuisance, and Josh would be ok as long as I didn't let him drive alone (car accident due to seizure), or swim alone (drowning due to seizure). WRONG! How very wrong they were! They sorta kinda decided not to tell me about SUDEP until one morning my boy was gone!
Put a fork in me....I am so done with this!
I have reached my tragedy acceptance!!!!!! A piece of my heart has been yanked out of my chest, and I just haven't been able to get over it!
Pouting
Sammy (my college roomy's daughter), me and Britt imitating the sculpture of Empress of Austria Elisabeth of Bavaria found on the grounds of Achilleion Pallace on the island of Corfu. Elizabeth built the palace a year after the loss of her only son, Crown Prince Rudolf of Austria in 1889.
Even as I am surrounded by those who have faced, or continue to face greater loss than mine and are still able to be filled with joy, happiness and Thanksgiving, I am sitting with my arms crossed and want nothing to do with any of those! And
what's worse.....I know I have many blessings, but I’m so mad, I don't care these days!
My pastor recently asked to meet with me. I have an idea he is just checking on me with everything that’s happened recently. Still, I hope he doesn’t ask me about my spiritual life, because now that I know I’m pouting, I’m gonna have to be honest and admit it to him.
So, now that I've admitted it, I’ve decided for a little while (starting with my next posting) I want to share some
stories of those in my life who have lived through incredible experiences, both
good and bad, and have managed to overcome and shine. This is more my therapy than anything, but if it helps you, I'm truly happy about that!
Why do I feel the need to do this? Because I think God has been
sending a lot of angels my way to
help me see His love, and the beauty in the life He has given me even though it is
touched by tragic loss. My guess is He
has patiently stood close allowing me to work through my “issues” and has now lovingly
begun to say “Enough my daughter, there is
so much to see and do. I’m having a
great time taking care of Josh up here, so I need your help taking care of my
children down there”.Sending Hugs on this First Day of Spring!
Sherri
Full disclosure: the good, the bad, the angry, the tears - you are right to bring it all to God. He knows it anyway. That's exactly what King David did in many of the Psalms. Hang in there sister!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement! David has been in my internal thoughts and debates for months now. I am so glad God has included a man bearing his soul in his Book of Life! Hugs!
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