I was doing ok!

I was doing ok, really I was….. until the woman sitting next to me in choir suddenly asks, “November 20^th will be the 5 year mark for you, won’t it?”

Me- “How did you know that?”( I don’t even know who she is.)

Her – “ My son’s birthday is November 20^th, and he knew Josh”.  I can’t breathe! There is no air left in lungs for what seems like an eternity, but is likely a mere second or two.

I kept it together in choir by making fun of a song we’ll sing in church with the words ding dong in it.   “I’m not going to hell for singing ding dong in church am I?”  A moment of relief to laughter! 

Practice is over.  I love to sing and have recently rediscovered my love, but tonight I want out of my skin, I want out of this space!  I walked towards the exit and a church friend greets me.  “This is your bad week,  isn't it? Let’ pray as she grabs both my hands into hers!”  “God Grant this Gracious Woman strength during this very hard week. “
Tears are forming in the corner of my eyes. This is an act of love, but it hurts so much.

Brad notices when I get home and wants to know what’s up.  Nothing!

It’s my wedding anniversary first.  I’m going to celebrate with great thanks the 24 years of marriage to my mountain man.  I gotta hold on!

Distraction – texting the girls.  They are both responding tonight.  Well, that distracted me about 15 minutes. Only a gazillion more to go.

The heaviness is there.  I feel it, I see it!  Nothing around me has changed, but my heart knows, it has told my head and had told my entire body to revolt!

Who goes 5 years without hugging or seeing their child? 

What kind of mother does that? 

I see her in the mirror!  The mother who woke up one Saturday morning expecting to stain a fence with her little boy and found him lost to SUDEP.

Epilepsy sucks! My desire is simple, I want my son back!!!