I was doing ok!

I was doing ok, really I was….. until the woman sitting next to me in choir suddenly asks, “November 20^th will be the 5 year mark for you, won’t it?”

Me- “How did you know that?”( I don’t even know who she is.)

Her – “ My son’s birthday is November 20^th, and he knew Josh”.  I can’t breathe! There is no air left in lungs for what seems like an eternity, but is likely a mere second or two.

I kept it together in choir by making fun of a song we’ll sing in church with the words ding dong in it.   “I’m not going to hell for singing ding dong in church am I?”  A moment of relief to laughter! 

Practice is over.  I love to sing and have recently rediscovered my love, but tonight I want out of my skin, I want out of this space!  I walked towards the exit and a church friend greets me.  “This is your bad week,  isn't it? Let’ pray as she grabs both my hands into hers!”  “God Grant this Gracious Woman strength during this very hard week. “
Tears are forming in the corner of my eyes. This is an act of love, but it hurts so much.

Brad notices when I get home and wants to know what’s up.  Nothing!

It’s my wedding anniversary first.  I’m going to celebrate with great thanks the 24 years of marriage to my mountain man.  I gotta hold on!

Distraction – texting the girls.  They are both responding tonight.  Well, that distracted me about 15 minutes. Only a gazillion more to go.

The heaviness is there.  I feel it, I see it!  Nothing around me has changed, but my heart knows, it has told my head and had told my entire body to revolt!

Who goes 5 years without hugging or seeing their child? 

What kind of mother does that? 

I see her in the mirror!  The mother who woke up one Saturday morning expecting to stain a fence with her little boy and found him lost to SUDEP.

Epilepsy sucks! My desire is simple, I want my son back!!!

What's the Greatest Chapter in Your Book?

I tend to think of my life as chapters......happy childhood, typical teens, college, marriage, motherhood.  Before we lost Josh I would often greet people with “Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life”.  Now, it just doesn’t seem the same, though I think it did slip out of my mouth once last week...first time in 2 1/2 years.

One of the coolest things I remember a few years ago was a segment  on "Sunday Morning" called Everybody Has a Story.  Twice a month journalist Steve Hartman would travel to some spontaneous place, find a phone book, pick a name, head off to meet the person, and with the magic of television, a name in a book became a beautiful story that would unfold before all the TV watchers like me.  There was never a story that didn’t keep me riveted to the TV.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-500617_162-6083832.html

Mr. Hartman reminded me that everyone has a story;   everyone has a book of life.  There’s even reference in the Bible of a Book of Life that God keeps on each and every one of us.  Think about it for a second, our lives are so important that God Himself keeps a record of it.

Soooo, I’ve been thinking a bit about “the next chapter of my life”.  It's probably because we’re driving out to Oklahoma to set Britt up in her apt. …her very first home.  What’s worse is she has no plans to return home to Virginia…..Oklahoma has become her home, her life is there.   Ughhhhh…darn those independent, strong children we are raising. 

Class of 2014, 2012 and 2017

 

To add to it all, I gotta sit down and help select Stephi's Senior Class Photo.   My middle child is a high school Senior.....what's more, she's talking about a college that has her interest.  At least it’s not 21 hours away.  After months of wondering what she wanted to do, she is finally step closer.  Can I get a Yay?!

But truth be told, it's probably because this next chapter is coming way too early.  I’m supposed to have four more years before I move onto the next chapter.  My last graduation is supposed to be 2017, not 2014. 

So what to do when there is a twist in the storyline?   Honestly, I have no idea!!!! And that’s ok.

I thought I was doing pretty good…a pretty interesting read, and then the bottom dropped out and Josh died suddenly.  The last couple of years are pretty dark.

True to form, I heard a song recently that got me to thinkin….

What's the greatest chapter in your book?
Are there pages where it hurts to look?
What's the one regret you can't work through?

(Mine would be You- written by Blake Shelton)

I’m realizing the rest of the pages are blank just waiting for the words of life to be written upon them. 

Let there be pages of fun, pages of happiness, pages of sadness, and let me respect the pages of quiet tears.

Hugs!

Sherri

Another Angel in Heaven

I went into the store looking for a cardigan sweater to wear in my REALLY cold office, and came out stressed and in a really bad mood.  On the drive home, I got really ticked off at all those drivers who seemed to cut me off, or who cut over way too short.  They were sooooo aggressive!  Oh, and it took way too long to get home tonight!!!

When I finally did make it home, and walked in my house, all I wanted to do was sit and stare at the ceiling fan. 

Arrrgggggghhhhh, what is wrong with me?  I feel like that Snickers commercial where the person is really crabby, only a candy bar won’t cure what ails me.

I know what it is…..I recognize the symptoms….AMBUSH meltdown! 

Another of Joshua’s classmates was tragically killed this week.  Bennett was killed trying to rescue a friend who had been knocked unconscious when he stepped on a live wire.  Tragically, as he made his way to his friend, Bennett also became entangled in live wires and was killed instantly.

Moments after Bennett's accident, friends started texting, calling and sending notes on Facebook offering hugs and words of encouragement cuz they know the scab was just yanked off my heart.  I tried to immediately go into survival numb mode, but then the mood hit today.  I should know by now, there’s just no hiding from the pain of loss, and new loss brings me back to that awful November day every time. 

This is the third death in Joshua’s class; it's also the third loss in our church, so our congregation is once again faced with great loss and embracing a grieving family.

At times like this, I feel a little like Sister May from “The Secret Life of Bees”.  May is the sister who is so sensitive to the life around her that it just makes her ache at times.  In the book, May's ends her pain;  Me? I just try to catch my breath and then help where I can. 

Uncle!!!! I have dealt with depression most of my life, and fortunately, have found  low-dosage medication to balance me out.  I recently took a break from the meds, but with the loss of my close friend Erika a month ago,  Joshua’s birthday, and now this, I realize it’s time to take them again. 

I know there may still be a stigma associated with treating anxiety and depression with meds, but for myself, I decided several years ago that I would rather feel good and really be present with my loved ones, than worry about what people think.   

My mind goes back to Bennett's family.  What they are going through now, what lies ahead as they realize their new normal...sigh....Please keep Bennett’s family in your prayers!

 

Hugs!
Sherri