Yeah, But

I know, it’s been a LONG time since I posted something.  It isn’t that I’ve stopped writing down thoughts, it just that they ‘re not very  cohesive.   Pretty much “Yeah…. But”.

Yeah, we got our new shelter pup, who’s been a lot of work BUT he’s so doggon’ cute;  believe me, his cuteness saves him on a daily basis.  Our first walks resembled a pin ball machine dart right, dart left, dart back,dart left…oh crap, the leash is  around my legs cutting off my circulation.  He thought trash cans were meant to be “trashed,” and dog beds “christened”.

Fast forward 3 months and we now mosey to the right, and mosey to the left;   Ever since he trained us to make sure he gets his morning and evening walk in addition to his back yard runs, the christenings have ceased.  A “sps” noise diverts all trashing episodes, and his cuddles and kisses have made a welcomed difference in our day to day empty nester world.

Britt graduates from OU in May and is prepping for grad school in Nebraska.  Whaaaaahhhhh….says my mother heart! Being 21 hours from home is hard enough when she texts me or calls me during a  “life is hard moment.” When that happens, I just want to step through the phone and hold her.  Luckily, she is doing really well, enjoying roadtrips, acing her classes and keeping us entertained with all the photos to go with it!  No matter where she goes, we will find those airline specials that go from DC to ?????.

I just got to see Stephi last weekend.  She is looking forward to turning 20 on February 29^th! Yep, it’s Leap Year and she wants to go to Disney which stays open 24 hours every Leap Year.   We spent last weekend at the beach for some girls’ time…with puppy!  She usually comes north, but when I offered some beach livin’ and ‘chik flik binging’, she was all in!  I stopped by to pick her up at her house… Oh my gosh, think about that…my daughter’s house!   We had a great time! I have to admit, it’s so nice to talk about life without having to threaten with “because I said so!”   

Yeah, both girls are back in college, and Brad and I are finding things to do together and separately, BUT we crave those simple evening meals and movie nights with the Newmanettes. 

Brad is usually off with his dimpled mistress for one day per weekend, and I kick up my weekend Martha Stewart warrior.   The physical cleaning, organizing and reorganizing is my coping mechanism/relaxing.  No judging....whatever works!  I throw some Yoga in there too!

We have been setting up double dates with some great couples too!  We started attending a bible study together, and continue our nightly walks to catch up with each other.  Yeah, we’re in a good place together BUT we are both struggling with the milestone we face next month.  Joshua’s death 5 years ago from SUDEP.

We both look at each other and wonder how we made it all this time without our Joshua.  At first it was breath by breath, moment by moment, now the two worlds seem to coexist;  Memories of Josh and the pang of missing him accompany the life that continues.

People often wonder how the world can go on when their child dies, and you can keep asking that question, but we have learned that the sun does continue rise and set, bills need to be paid, and in our case, we have two living daughters who continue to bring joy. 

I’ve become pretty adept at merging the two worlds…probably more than I realize.  The other day I was chatting with my supervisor and was playfully threatening to become cranky and mean.  She responded, “I can’t even picture that because you are always so cheerful”.  Little does she know that while we’re sitting in a meeting discussing important matters, Joshua flashes through my thoughts.  I don’t even miss my response by a beat. 

Yeah, I’m finding moments of contentment BUT I achingly miss my boy! Yeah, I am finding moments of joy BUT there is that level of grief that sits in that same space.  I have found my  emotions seem to match Kenny Chesney’s song “Save it for a Rainy Day” where he sings about tucking away the heartbreak and enjoying the sunshine, the joys of life.  That is where I am.  I see it’s a beautiful world, Yeah the sun is too bright, the sky too bright and my heartbreak remains but I tuck the tears away for a rainy day.

Now I’m off to walk my pup to experience God’s wonder as the leaves show their brilliance, at this moment I have visions of Josh jumping into big piles of leaves just raked in the front yard.

Sending Hugs!

Sherri