It came, the day we were all dreading....the first Angelversary of Joshua's death. It actually started about 10 days earlier when I felt those old feelings of forgetfulness, loss of appetite, I couldn't sleep, was listful, and felt just a general uneasiness. I noticed my brood was behaving in a very similar matter.
I wasn't sure how Saturday would go since it was a year ago that I got up, baked some cinnamon rolls, tidied up the basement after the boys, and went to wake my child and found he was gone. I will always remember it as Saturday, a family day....he died on my watch.
Sunday came and I wasn't sure how it would go since Brad considers Joshua's Angelversary to be November 20th which fell on a Sunday this year. He feels more towards the date than the day. I never thought about it before but I imagine we are not the only ones who have such struggles with what should be the simplest thing to know...when someone you love died.
The four of us went to church together athough the girls chose to remain in the lounge area instead of entering the sanctuary..it's still really hard on them to enter the sanctuary where their brother's funeral was held. I walked in to see the beautiful altar flowers that Brad dedicated to Joshua, and I opened the program, saw the words "flowers...in memory of Jo" and slammed it shut. I couldn't bear to read those words.
The service began and I realized our minister was remembering our sweet Joshua before the congregation. As he spoke all I could do was nod in response since words were of no use and the tears flowed. Then I noticed his voice caught and he took a few seconds to regain his composure. I knew from talking with him and his lovely wife that Joshua's death and the circumstances of it were exceptionally hard for him even as a man of God. He had walked into an ordinary house on an ordinary Saturday with all the smells of a ordinary day, and found complete chaos and despair as he was called to offer comfort to a family who had witnessed death claim their sweet 12 year old boy within the same house. The experience remains with him, and I am touched by the catch! I looked over to Brad who had dissolved into complete heartbreak. What a surreal moment! Someone wake me up from this nightmare!
The day was a blur as we greeted several friends after church, and took the altar flowers to Joshua's grave. It was such a peacful place, and the moment the lovely bouquet was next to his stone, I knew it was right.
Friends arrived early bearing dinner Sunday night. A Jewish remembrance candle was lit by our dear friend Jerrold. I feel honored that he would share a lovely tradition with us.
Glowing green balloons began to appear in the dark living room, and all of a sudden, they began to arrive.... our friends and Joshua's friends. Those who sat with us that very day a year ago, those who have called and cared for us over the last year, those who loved our little boy dearly were there. The house was bursting yet they still came. We thought maybe about 20 would come, but we were close to 70 snd I felt the love!
The moment arrived as we shared a few special thoughts along with a journal entry Josh wrote following the Colts vs Redskins game he went to with his Dad October 2010. He was such a Peyton Manning fan and was thrilled when he saw Peyton come out before the game to survey the crowd and field. He was 10 feet away from his idol. He had a great time which was apparent as his journal entry ended with "I will never and I mean never ever forget that game. It was an amazing experience for me. I hope you can have one just as amazing as mine" and with that simple amazing moment in life, dozens of soft glowing balloons were launched into the nighttime sky. How beautiful and peaceful. A moment of peace!
The next morning when I woke up, I prepared for work and as soon as I put the car in reverse, the full rush of pain hit full force. All the emotion I was able to suppress over the weekend had me by the heart and would not stop. I pulled the car back into the driveway and cried a deep sorrow for my sweet ornery boy. I cried for the last year, I cried for those who were touched by our sweet boy, I cried for the love I have felt over the last year, I cried for what should be, I cried because this is a terrible way to find out who your true friends are, I cried the cry of a mother who has lost her child.
Once the cloud of sadness began to roll away there was a quiet knock on the door. I answered with full puffy eyes and saw a friend with a knowing look on her face holding a cup of tea. She walked in, looked at me and said, Someone told me you needed me.....
How I am truly blessed. Even in my darkness I am sent Love!
May you find peace and love even in the darkest night!
Hugs,
Sherri
I wasn't sure how Saturday would go since it was a year ago that I got up, baked some cinnamon rolls, tidied up the basement after the boys, and went to wake my child and found he was gone. I will always remember it as Saturday, a family day....he died on my watch.
Sunday came and I wasn't sure how it would go since Brad considers Joshua's Angelversary to be November 20th which fell on a Sunday this year. He feels more towards the date than the day. I never thought about it before but I imagine we are not the only ones who have such struggles with what should be the simplest thing to know...when someone you love died.
The four of us went to church together athough the girls chose to remain in the lounge area instead of entering the sanctuary..it's still really hard on them to enter the sanctuary where their brother's funeral was held. I walked in to see the beautiful altar flowers that Brad dedicated to Joshua, and I opened the program, saw the words "flowers...in memory of Jo" and slammed it shut. I couldn't bear to read those words.
The service began and I realized our minister was remembering our sweet Joshua before the congregation. As he spoke all I could do was nod in response since words were of no use and the tears flowed. Then I noticed his voice caught and he took a few seconds to regain his composure. I knew from talking with him and his lovely wife that Joshua's death and the circumstances of it were exceptionally hard for him even as a man of God. He had walked into an ordinary house on an ordinary Saturday with all the smells of a ordinary day, and found complete chaos and despair as he was called to offer comfort to a family who had witnessed death claim their sweet 12 year old boy within the same house. The experience remains with him, and I am touched by the catch! I looked over to Brad who had dissolved into complete heartbreak. What a surreal moment! Someone wake me up from this nightmare!
The day was a blur as we greeted several friends after church, and took the altar flowers to Joshua's grave. It was such a peacful place, and the moment the lovely bouquet was next to his stone, I knew it was right.
Friends arrived early bearing dinner Sunday night. A Jewish remembrance candle was lit by our dear friend Jerrold. I feel honored that he would share a lovely tradition with us.
Once the cloud of sadness began to roll away there was a quiet knock on the door. I answered with full puffy eyes and saw a friend with a knowing look on her face holding a cup of tea. She walked in, looked at me and said, Someone told me you needed me.....
How I am truly blessed. Even in my darkness I am sent Love!
May you find peace and love even in the darkest night!
Hugs,
Sherri
Just catching up on reading....how beautifully written. Thanks for sharing...and know you have many out there praying for you and your family! P.
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